Who Should Pay for Dates In a Blended Family Situation?

Hey Everyone,

How does one handle the check when it comes to different family dynamics and dating?

I guess I can start off by using myself as an example (and for those who have listened to my same stories for years, thank you for enduring!)

I don't have any kids, but once upon a time, I dated a single dad who had 3 kids (2 at home, 1 on visitation.) It was so long ago that I can't remember all the details of our first dates and how the checks were covered, but when we did eventually decide to go on "family dates," (kids included,) I would wind up footing the entire bill. I would also buy the kids gifts for Christmas, birthdays, big events, etc., as well as contribute to their basic needs (food, clothes, daycare, etc.)

This isn't to somehow pat myself on the back in anyway. For those of you who know me, you know the other part of the story -- the father spent most of his money on cigarettes and alcohol (I neither smoke nor drink,) so I felt an absolute responsibility to look after these kids.

I haven't been in the dating pool for a very long time, but if I jump back into it, I'm no longer sure how I would handle this type of situation. I would want to be able to be honest about how I felt, but yet reach an agreement that seemed "fair" to both of us, because I know there are lots of responsible, loving single fathers out there. I mean, if you decide to get married, I realize for most Christians, it's a no-brainer -- the kids are now your kids as well and you just take care of your family together.

But what about thebeginning stages in which you're just starting to date?

Even if you're just staying at home, it's going to cost money to buy an entire family pizza and beverages.

How do the rest of you all feel about these scenarios?

* If one person has no children and the other one does, how does the bill get split or paid on a family outing?

* What happens if, let's say, one of the persons involved has 1 child, and the other person has 3 -- how does the check get covered?

* In the case of an adults-night-out date, who pays for the babysitter? If one person doesn't have kids, should they offer to pay half of the babysitting costs for the one who does? And again, if one person has 1 child and the other has 3, how do they split the cost of a babysitter then?

I often find it... amusing... when some people seem to tell us singles that if we want to find someone or just "put ourselves out there," it's as if all we have to do is just "put our minds -- and prayers -- to it," and it's as easy as that.

As if (and I say this often) marriage is just a bag of chips that you can go pick out at the grocery store any day you want.

For anyone who has done any time in the shark pool of dating, you know that this is just one of the many issues that will come up.

What are your thoughts and experiences, whether married now, or still dating?

I would like to add some further questions... to this list of questions:

* At what point would the person with no or fewer kids be expected (or not) to buy Christmas and birthday gifts for the other children?

* How would things like daycare and schooling costs be handled? Are dating partners expected to share these things during some point of their relationship before marriage, and how is that determined?

* Even if the "kids" are in college, goodness knows there are a myriad of bills to be paid. If one parent is helping their kid(s,) with college, at what point would the other person be expected to help?

If it was me, I would pick up the bill for my date and my children. I would also not expect her to buy them gifts, but she can accompany me while I am shopping for them

Until such time you think about them as "your kids" I don't know if you have any financial responsibility towards them. If the guy expect this from you he is wrong

Same answer, as soon as they are "your kids"

I can only give my own opinion here, and I hope it's one that is based on good principals.

Concerning dating (or whatever you want to call it), That would be a decision for the 2 people involved.

Regarding being in a marriage where there are children (without going into a thousand variables) from a previous relationship I would have to say that by entering that marriage you also take on responsibility for the children within that marriage yours or not.

In regards to dating someone with kids, it's basically the same as above although you don't have the responsibility.

I've been here, so I can say I had no problem in paying for pizzas, clothes etc, even when dating before marriage.

In a nutshell when you date, then marry someone with Kids you take on the responsibility of the whole package. And that's a good thing to do.

It can be hard to answer these sorts of questions as there can be a thousand variables involved but the above would be my understanding without going into minute details.

Was drinking my cup of tea and still thinking on this question..

How do we view money in marriage..is it 'my money' or is it 'our money'?

If your still just dating then it's still your own money and no one elses. How you spend it on others only comes from good stewardship and the heart.

Me and my wife have one bank account.......

Same here. Both of our names all on all financial accounts and also all of the financial obligations.

Date the date first. If you guys can't work out dating with the limitations that having children imposes on your potential partner while they shoulder the cost of the children, then it's pretty much over but no one can feel ill used on account of the children.

Assuming you get that far, then I would say the first few outings with kids should go something like, normal activities that the family would do regardless of dating should be paid for by the parent. Special activities (especially expensive ones) intiated by the date should be partially or completely funded by the date.

If and when the date is included in family holidays, birthdays, celebrations then they should bring food or gifts as appropriate for a member of the family being included in such occasions.

And should you get all the way to marriage, then yeah once you marry you're part of the family and share equally in any childcare expenses, any other attitude is just going to breed scorekeeping and resentment.


I the childless, dateless internet entity have spoken. Your mileage as living breathing human beings may vary.

As one with no kids of my own, dating someone with kids I tend to think of things this way.
I am dating her, not her kids. Thus my primary focus is on her. Be it financial or personal. I do what I can to endure she is in a place to take care of her children, as part of the responsibility I take on with her.
As time goes on I'm more prone to help more directly with the kids, again, either financial or personal.
In terms of gifts for holidays, I'm fine with providing a single gift each, for her kids.
Essentially I try to let things progress on their own, rather than define timelines.
If anything big enough were to arise, and I was able to help, I would.

Actually my gf and I came to deal with financial issues a while back. She was wanting to fly in to visit. But she insisted on paying. Knowing she has 2 kids I, naturally, offered to pay. Or at least help, but she refused.
Knowing it would be expensive we came to an agreement where she pays for her own flight, but I would cover everything when she arrived, food, lodgings, etc... That way neither of us had to take such a big hit.

Now my views come from someone that doesn't believe in random dating. Or going on dates to get to know people, but rather having friendships first where you already know the person and their situation before things turn romantic.
This also helps spare me from such dilemmas as the one presented in the OP.

Note my statement of "I'm dating her, not her kids" does not mean I disregard them, but rather that She is my focus, not them. As time goes on and I become more familiar with her kids, I grow into a different type of relationship with them that is more natural and not so forced. And is more genuine.

I have not been in this situation, but I think especially during the dating phase the person with the kids should pay for the family dates more often. In the case of adults only nights out, the parent should work out the details/pay for babysitting.

um, not been in situation that you speak of but if any time you thnk you 'should' do anything rather than 'want to' it becomes something else, this applies to most things in life, the Bible talks about how you need to be a cheerful giver.

regarding the expense of dating, that a lot of people skirt around the issue because its basically becomes a rich persons perogative where they can buy their way into a relationship (think of dowries, bride prices etc)
and how its shown on tv with all those dating shows where do you think they get all the $$ from to go on all those fancy dates? Theres no way they could afford to dress up like that or go dine at all these fancy restuarants and get to all these scenic locations in real life because the TV company PAYS for it all.

I'm the same with dating. Am not saying at the moment because of my issues with abuse and complex ptsd but if in were dating, i would much prefer to know the person well and see them as someone I could hang with than date a stranger .

Speed dating and dating strangers seems to be for those who are really wanting a relationship or marriage , whereas I don't believe marriage is necessary unless you are someone who needs or wants it. If I don't get married I won't be heartbroken but I know some people who really feel they are made to be a husband or wife. Like my sister so she is trying online dating.

Regarding the OP, I think I'm terms of paying for things , going Dutch (sharing expenses) makes more sense than one person paying for everything all the time

When women didn't work and have money of their own it made sense for the man to pay. Times are so different now!