When you have to suppress yourself to be friends

They instead wrote about things that never made sense, and they gloated that they were so blessed in knowing the knowledge they did, even though they could not share it with me.

Based on what you have written in the OP - I would say...

Too many red flags - especially this:




I think you probably did the right thing by breaking it off.

Don't feel bad.

BTW - I like your user name.

I ended up leaving the friendship.

Howdy beammeup and welcome to the forum. (Unfortunately there's no intelligent life here either.)

You may have been trying to get a cup of ant milk. In other words, you may have been trying to get something out of the online conversation that was not there to get. Some people are not effusively profuse in any kind of communication. You may have been looking for a deep, meaningful connection that was just not there to find.

I have an online friend for about 1 1/2 years. We have had some great moments during this time, but generally I started to feel very unhappy and no longer wanted to reach out to them. The main point being is that I was suppressing myself and conforming to them. The reason was because it hurt too much to be rejected all the time. My friend is very different than I am. They are quite closed in share a little; write a little. For instance they would write one sentence about something and that's pretty much all. They ever, if rarely, ask me about myself, and if they do it's always on a shallow subject level. They tell me that I can write about/share/complain about whatever I want, that's it's not problem for them, but most often if not all of the time, they never respond to my comments. It's like I never said anything. I used to ask them questions, maybe 1, 2 at the most, to show my interest in them as a friend, it was sincere since I am curious to learn/know more about them. I would say about 95% + of the time, the don't answer my question. I find it VER rude, personally, and it makes me feel very stupid when my question isn't answered; I feel like a fool.. This has gone on more or less since i have been their friend, however, they were much better in the beginning, and it seemed to drop off after 4- 5 months, or so.

During this time i have not been shy to tell them several times that we are very different communicators. I am very open and they are very closed. I am very curious about them and they don't demonstrate much curiosity or interest in/ about me. I have expressed as well that they don't write enough to keep the relationship going, as I can't be the only one to keep it going but nevertheless, am I really, if they don't respond to me.. It feels very much like talking to a wall. However, having said that, they have demonstrated at various times they do appreciate me and they do like me. .. at one point saying that I made them happy. I'm not sure... sometimes I 'feel' this person is very manipulative. and they are laughing behind my back. I don't know if it is true or not, but sometimes I think they are a sick person.

Recently things came to a head where I asked them some questions about their faith, when they prompted me that they wanted to friendly debate something. I agreed and when I did, they backed down and didn't answer any of my questions. They instead wrote about things that never made sense, and they gloated that they were so blessed in knowing the knowledge they did, even though they could not share it with me.

I ended up leaving the friendship. I told them again before I left that we were very different communicators, that they never answered my questions (and I asked 2-3 times) and that I didn't think there was a fix for it. What exacerbate the problem for me, is that they didn't even try to have a conversation about that - maybe by explaining why they were the way they were, or trying to dispel any wrong impressions I may have.. This all so that I could gain an understanding, at the very least. But no, they never did at all, and this just verifies the lack of connection this produces.

My point in writing is to get it off my chest because sometimes writing releases or gives new insight, but I just feel so darn bad for leaving them.
It's not an easy thing these days to have and acquire friends, and I am not a person who lets go easily. I am a very loyal person, almost to the end. H However, if I feel I am abused, I eventually have enough. But having said that as Christians, shouldn't we be patient and long suffering and shouldn't we bear each others burdens. None of us is perfect and each of us have many flaws.. It's hard to know what to do.. I am curious to know what others would do in my situation. Thank you in Advance, and Happy Easter!

I have an online friend for about 1 1/2 years. We have had some great moments during this time, but generally I started to feel very unhappy and no longer wanted to reach out to them. The main point being is that I was suppressing myself and conforming to them. The reason was because it hurt too much to be rejected all the time. My friend is very different than I am. They are quite closed in share a little; write a little. For instance they would write one sentence about something and that's pretty much all. They ever, if rarely, ask me about myself, and if they do it's always on a shallow subject level. They tell me that I can write about/share/complain about whatever I want, that's it's not problem for them, but most often if not all of the time, they never respond to my comments. It's like I never said anything. I used to ask them questions, maybe 1, 2 at the most, to show my interest in them as a friend, it was sincere since I am curious to learn/know more about them. I would say about 95% + of the time, the don't answer my question. I find it VER rude, personally, and it makes me feel very stupid when my question isn't answered; I feel like a fool.. This has gone on more or less since i have been their friend, however, they were much better in the beginning, and it seemed to drop off after 4- 5 months, or so.

During this time i have not been shy to tell them several times that we are very different communicators. I am very open and they are very closed. I am very curious about them and they don't demonstrate much curiosity or interest in/ about me. I have expressed as well that they don't write enough to keep the relationship going, as I can't be the only one to keep it going but nevertheless, am I really, if they don't respond to me.. It feels very much like talking to a wall. However, having said that, they have demonstrated at various times they do appreciate me and they do like me. .. at one point saying that I made them happy. I'm not sure... sometimes I 'feel' this person is very manipulative. and they are laughing behind my back. I don't know if it is true or not, but sometimes I think they are a sick person.

Recently things came to a head where I asked them some questions about their faith, when they prompted me that they wanted to friendly debate something. I agreed and when I did, they backed down and didn't answer any of my questions. They instead wrote about things that never made sense, and they gloated that they were so blessed in knowing the knowledge they did, even though they could not share it with me.

I ended up leaving the friendship. I told them again before I left that we were very different communicators, that they never answered my questions (and I asked 2-3 times) and that I didn't think there was a fix for it. What exacerbate the problem for me, is that they didn't even try to have a conversation about that - maybe by explaining why they were the way they were, or trying to dispel any wrong impressions I may have.. This all so that I could gain an understanding, at the very least. But no, they never did at all, and this just verifies the lack of connection this produces.

My point in writing is to get it off my chest because sometimes writing releases or gives new insight, but I just feel so darn bad for leaving them.
It's not an easy thing these days to have and acquire friends, and I am not a person who lets go easily. I am a very loyal person, almost to the end. H However, if I feel I am abused, I eventually have enough. But having said that as Christians, shouldn't we be patient and long suffering and shouldn't we bear each others burdens. None of us is perfect and each of us have many flaws.. It's hard to know what to do.. I am curious to know what others would do in my situation. Thank you in Advance, and Happy Easter!

A relationship is meant to be reciprocal, not one sided. Sounds like you made the right decision.

LOL to your first sentence Yes that's true I do look for deep meaningful conversation. .. I don't mind shallow talk, it can be silly and fun, and it's good to have to balance heaviness out. There's a time and place for everything. I have had some really good friendships with people online in the past, but each time they failed because the other person wasn't a Christian, and they were always offended when I brought up my faith, even though I respected their New Age or Hindu faith, or whatever they believed.

For this past one, we are just not compatible. .. If my friend would have answered my questions, and was interested in my comments, I would still have stuck around no matter our differences, but I just think that is really rude. I would never do that. I don't want to be treated like that, it's very hurtful. because then they would reply with something about themselves, like I had never asked a question.. . I then ended up not asking any questions at all, and writing very little - I was suppressing myself, and I became very unhappy. I guess at least I did tell them several times in a kind way, but they never really responded to help me understand them.

It's too bad it's so hard to find friends. I remember when I was in elementary and highschool, I had so many friends it was so much fun, and now as an adult it's so hard to find friends. .especially now with the covid.

All that I can say is that you sound like my Siamese twin...we must have been separated at birth.

My whole life has been like what you just described.

By nature, I'm very deep, open, and honest , and it's been an extremely rare experience when I've found someone who was interested in more than just a shallow conversation.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but I honestly feel like you made the right decision in breaking off the "friendship". I put "friendship" in quotes because it really sounds like it was a one-sided relationship, and that's not what friendship truly is.

In that situation I would do exactly what you did, talk it out, and be upfront with what my expectations are going forward. I would want to rule out that it was a fluke and their behavior is just a symptom of something they're going through while giving them a chance to explain themselves.

If we came to an understanding that we have similar goals in the friendship then I would start looking for them to be forthcoming with more conversation.

If they teased me with privileged information then withheld it when I showed interest I would probably think they wanted to manipulate me. I would probably try to dig it out of them, but if they refused I think the dynamic of the friendship would change like how yours did.

There should be trust, respect, and sharing in a friendship and it sounds like you gave him chances to get involved and he decided not to.

I think you made the right choice.

I went through something similar to this lately. I made the same decision as you. I don't feel bad. It was better to just part ways.

Thank you Gary, I really appreciate your reply.. I do.

What was it about that comment that especially called out to you as a red flag? As a backstory my friend is a Christian, and they attend a small church where they teach a very rare doctrine, that is heretical. It seems very cultish to me. I asked them a few questions most of them were yes/no answers, and they couldn't answer them. This was after they told me that they were the ones who came up with the interpretations themselves and then said how blessed they were that they knew how to rightly divide the Word. In the next reply they tried to give me verses and descriptions but didn't answer the questions.. It was kinda shocking but it had no relevance to my questions at all. They then asked me if maybe I wasn't saved.. I guess because I said their teachings were heretical based on that I found some answers on Google. They then said that if I would go on skype with them and the pastor (their brother(s) in the church they would answer and then later sent me a video of their brother preaching. I refused, and said that I didn't want to be indoctrinated, I just wanted to basically understand their doctrinal beliefs.

Ha ha that's funny Siamese Twins It's so nice to finally meet you! I have been like this my whole life, too.. In fact, this is really crazy.. I recently read my diary when I was in Grade 7 and Grade 10, and I was shocked to read that a certain best friend that I had was not my best friend so much anymore because they were not open and honest with me.. It just hit me that I have been like that in craving deep connections since I was a child.. I really didn't remember that!

Thank you for your analysis and advice, I really appreciate it. It did feel to me, definitely, like it was one sided. I used to have these thoughts that they were laughing at me behind my back whenever they didn't answer my question, or when they told me I could freely write or complain as much as possible about something, that they liked it even, but then they never responded and instead replied with something shallow from themselves. It made me think that maybe I didn't know that person at all. ..

Because of my knowledge of occult / esoteric things...

Also, and more to the point - as a rule - any 'knowledge' that someone is so 'blessed' to have - is worth sharing.

Simple as that.

Can you give any [more] specifics about their beliefs - especially, that which you find to be contradictory to the Bible?

What verses did they show you?

Do you have a link to the video?

Whatever you do, don't ever suppress yourself from being yourself.

I did that for much of my life, and I actually went through a period of time when I actually hated myself, but didn't know why.

After much prayer, the LORD revealed to me, in more ways than just one, that the reason why I hated myself was because I wasn't being myself.

I recently shared a poem here that I penned the day that I was finally set free.

You can read it here if you're interested:

https://christianchat.com/christian-poems-poetry/freedom-from-the-fear-of-man.197946/

More in line with the title of your thread, I remember one day when I was in church many years ago, shortly before I wrote that poem, and I recall crying out within my spirit for God to show me what was wrong with me. Just at that moment, someone stood up in the church and brought forth what I believe was a word of knowledge. Basically, the word was that there was someone there that night who was like a bottle of cologne with a strong scent (not like BO...lol), and that he was afraid to take the cap off because he was afraid that his personality would be too strong for others to bear. I knew instantly that I was that someone, and I'm no longer "bottled up".

Anyhow, I believe that you made the right choice, and I hope that you make some like-minded friends here.

Either take what is offered or move on. If all a friend wants to do is play online chess and not talk about anything EXCEPT chess, either play and talk chess or move on and find somebody else to talk to.

From what you already said, it seems like you chose move on. All I'm trying to say at this point is, be more philosophical about moving on.

Well, I think we are really Siamese twins.. as I have struggled with the fear of man for most of my life. It has been the most prevalent fear that has kept me down, and it has hurt me the most in my life. I would gather to say, maybe.. that you are a gentle and sensitive soul? I would describe myself as a chameleon, too.. I can fit and form into whatever the other person I think expects from me.. i don't like conflict, and I too have been frightened by my own personality and it's suffocating to be like that. It's true, when I suppress I hate myself.. Yes, I started to hate myself with this friend.. I couldn't do it anymore, amidst the guilty feelings. I think that if one suppresses themselves somehow people sense it and take advantage of you, and I have had lots of that. .

Your poem is beautiful, I completely get you! It's so wonderful that God wants us to be ourselves and accepts us completely as ourselves, and that He wants to hear everything on our hearts and that He never tires.. . That is very healing. I find that I have gotten much better over the years, and the Word of God has been the primary reason, but I still struggle with it, even in some faint form. It's a learned behavior, I think, that becomes a habit - a way of coping.. I believe mine stems from childhood trauma. So much of who we are was formed in our early years.

Thank you for sharing, it was very helpful for me.. . and a reminder to never suppress myself again... that it's an alert signal that something is very wrong.. . I am so happy you were freed from this..