Just my tale.

Thank you.

BTW, one thing I meant to mention in my previous post that I forgot... in response to the person who pointed out that if you live in fantasy, you're basically not living in the present reality, well....

I really feel you hit the nail on the head there, because... in some ways, that's part of what happened. I got so fixated on a fantasy daydream that somehow or other, the target of my obsessive infatuation was going to live in a house with me someday... that by some magic, I could get to Norway alone (or maybe with the aid of someone not in my family so I could get away from my family, back when I was resenting them) and circumstances would allign so that my Norwegian crush and I could be in the same place and away from both of our parents.

In a lot of ways... the fantasy was actually very much like that of a 12-year-old wanting to place house.

I... did end up being rattled a few times, because.... even as the months went by, and the months became a couple of years, well... I stayed stagnate, lost in the moment where he and I played that one game together and voice-chatted together during one weekend. I also held onto vague promises of "maybe later, we'll...." as if it meant something significant. When in some ways, they were prolly only passing thoughts of what MIGHT maybe happen later, before he got busy with life.

I was pretty pitiful for a long time, doing nothing but spending long periods of time staring at his username and profile on Steam and Facebook, maybe like some teenager from an old sitcom sitting next to a landline wondering why the apple of her eye isn't calling her.

Eventually, I found out purely by chance that he apparently had his own cabin... when did that happen? How did it happen? I'll prolly never know cuz I never initiated with him that much or kept up with his life directly enough to ask. I think in some ways, he also kept some stuff from me because he was trying to be nice, cuz he knew I was struggling with depression and didn't need to hear about how his life was advancing while mine was remaining the same.

Then he told me rather casually at one point that he had been to the cons, Dragoncon and such. It was like... WHAT? I thought he had told me that if he ever came to America (which he never had before) I might be one of the first to know, and especially if he maybe made arrangements to meet a mutual friend, he might later arrange to come see me face-to-face. And this was literally the first I'd had heard that he'd not only been to the cons, but several. And it was literally news to me. When did that happen? Why wasn't I included in on ANY of those plans when I had originally been told I would be? What happened to our close friendship?

Though... again, part of that is probably on me, because... well, I had been told later that he did have a lot going on and he found it exhausting to have to be the one who was expected to keep initiating... especially since I only wanted to keep talking about the same old things every single time a convo did start.

But then... when it reached the point where he announced he had gotten a job, it shattered me and I had an absolute meltdown because it represented that the "last holdout" of my old social circle had sold out, and moved on like the rest of the world. Maybe in some ways, it was also a significant SHOCK to me, because.... for the longest time, the males I'd known in my life who had the greatest impact on my family (my grandfather, and my dad) were just... types who'd never held down a job. Or even if they did, they never kept one for very long during my younger years. So... I guess in a lot of ways, especially since my Norwegian friend had some similar traits as them, I honestly believed that he would follow the same trend as them by trying a little, and then return to his life of being on the computer all the time and... yeah, be with me.

But no, it completely shattered the fantasy. And reality came crushing down on me, and it effected me so deeply that I made a complete idiot out of myself, broke off friendship with him in the worst way possible, and I had to spend a few weeks a therapy forum just to become more stable again.

To be fair though... I guess the biggest part of the reason why, in some ways, my grandfather and dad were able to stay at home so much was because each of their wives ended up taking over in the workforce to keep the bills paid. They had the luxury of being married if it wasn't working out for them during those periods of time... the difference with my Norwegian friend, I suppose, is that he's single and had nobody else to turn to or lean on if he truly wanted to get out of his parents' place, so he learned to buck up, get therapy and get a job. Cuz... he's single and he likes being single, apparently.

Maybe... even if it sounds completely stupid, I was disappointed that he took so much initiative because 1: it made him into a different person than what I was used to. 2: It destroyed the original dynamic I had with him and took him away from me. 3: It completely oblitherated that ridiculous fantasy I had, where we'd get to move out of our familiies' homes and move in together, if only magical circumstances could've allowed it.

And... since I wasn't really used to being around men who could get their rear in gear despite having depression and get a job and really get somewhere, I was shocked and disappointed only because.... I wasn't used to seeing it, it was new to me, and... well, it was a shock.

In the end... I suppose my point is... yes, I can definitely see how if you live in a fantasy, you totally become oblivious to everything that is moving on all around you because you're staying stuck in one moment. Maybe in a way, your mind is TRYING to move forward, but only through private extension of what your imagination is trying to develop and grow out of an internal daydream... which isn't gonna happen especially if you just assume it's gonna happen and you haven't even communicated/shared it with anyone.

And sometimes, depending on how deeply entrenched you get in it, especially if you don't have anything else going for you... it can be enough to temporarily shatter your mind and spirit when you finally get slapped with the proof that, not only is it never gonna happen, but certain potential doors that might have been slightly ajar for you have long since shut because you ignored chances or invitations to participate in some things while waiting for a very specific fantasy to come to pass.

well, seems to me that you fixated on one person and expected them to be your everything. But thing is, nobody is really that way. We all have our own lives. Even if you do marry someone, you are not going to be doing every single thing together at all times.

The only exception seems to be the parents/child relationship, particularly mother and child, espeically mother and daughter, where the mother, since she had you in her womb, thinks she knows everything about you, from even BEFORE you were born. lol

But a mothers wisdom is NOTHING compared to God as He sees EVERYTHING. WHen you are sleeping, eating, whatever, You cant run away from Him.

I... guess I would like to ask something then, which I have been wondering for some time now. How come it seems like, every time I HAVE tried to shift things over to make Jesus the center of my fixation and life to the exclusion of all else, that doesn't work out very well either?

I think you try to control everything (dont take this the wrong way, lots of people are like this with God, and try and tell Him what to do)

Thing is we need to humble ourselves and then He will lift us up. Gods grace is sufficient. So you gotta step back a bit and let God do what He wills for you in your life.

Yeah... you may have something there.

I also just know that... well, there were a couple of times during my youth where I was really depressed and I enjoyed some of the warm fuzzies that I got from God sometimes, so... I tried to fixate on God, lie in bed, and ignore everything as much as possible. That... never worked out very well.

And... there were other times in my slightly older years where I felt like, "I thought God should be pleased if I'm trying to ignore everything that I might idolize and try to force myself to read the Bible. So why doesn't He seem pleased? Why don't I feel good? Why do I still gotta deal with life?"

I know that probably sounds rather childish, but it's still one of the things I kinda... deal with. Maybe because it was never resolved and those questions were never answered.

If you are dyslexic, than welcome to the crowd. You don't seem dyslexic, but that's just my take. I usually can tell if someone is dyslexic, by just talking to them.

Many people think George W. was dyslexic. This guy wasn't exactly a word smith, but he was hilarious when giving speeches. I think he did his best and tried humor to cover up his short comings. That's a trait I use also. Our brains are just wired differently.

I have never been diagnosed with dyslexia, but I have read about the symptoms, and they match quite well.

Are you, or were you a slow reader in school?

Do you say things backwards, or mixed up?

Do words move around while you are reading?

Horrible at spelling?

I hit these symptoms with flying colors. If you are dyslexic you are in great company. Probably 10% of the population are dyslexic. Cross lateral exercises are suppose to be good for people suffering with dyslexia.

Some people who I think are dyslexic. The guy who did the Peanuts cartoon (Charles Schultz), Richard Branson (Virgin Records), Scott Adams (Dilbert cartoon) and Kurt Cobain (frontman of Nirvana). Many others who are dyslexic have lived very productive lives.

If you are dyslexic, you may be super creative, but reading/comprehension, and spelling isn't your best strength. You don't know how many times the CC spell check gives me false alarms, but I check the spelling anyways.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dyslexia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353552

Being a loner could just mean you are an introvert.

As far as aspergers are concerned, don't know much about it. I hear people who have aspergers do terrible in normal schools. I just didn't really try to hard in school, so that's why my grades suffered. Was still an A-/B+ student in college. Why do homework, when there was surfing to do?

Anyways, here is your aspergers information page. Try to focus on your abilities, rather than your disabilities.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/autism-spectrum-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352928

In enjoyed your OP very much and hopefully you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. We all have a story and thankful for sharing a chapter of yours. Keep in mind that there is a lot of your story that is yet unwritten. Glad to have you join our family. Welcome to CC.

You have given some good counsel on this thread. I consider you to be one of the real people.

I don't believe that you are cold, calloused, unfeeling and uncaring at all and find your accounts to be most refreshing. One reason that I love Christian Chat is for the opportunity to get to know the members, who they are and what they are about. You are definitely worth knowing. Thank you for your honest and candid posts.

Some Swiss Miss might make a good loaf of sourdough. No wait a minute. That's cocoa. Right now I'm thinking mini-marshmallows.

You describe yourself as a loner that loves their personal space yet still craves human contact. There's a word for that. Introvert. Most people misunderstand what that term means.
I, too, am an introvert, needing time alone. But also needing friendship. It's nothing new or weird. But it does take finding someone who understands and accepts you're that way. Or is that way themselves.
But also remember marriage is all about compromise.

As far as helping with your brother, that seems reasonable to expect if it's already something you do. Sometimes in families that happens, where someone needs being taken care of.

Integrating well into your family is also reasonable, but sometimes that simply doesn't work. So you'll need to decide ahead of time how important that is. What if you begin dating someone and your family dislikes him and he's unable to get along? Will you dump them? How long of a chance will you give them to work things out?

I am 45 and never married. I originally planned on being married in my early 20s. My cousin was 60 before his first marriage. It happens that way for some people.

As far as not having kids, that will make it harder to find someone. But not impossible. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.
But what happens sometimes is a person feels that way until they meet and get close to someone, then they suddenly find they have began having thoughts of having a baby with this one person. Just be aware.
Though I had a friend who had been married almost 10 years and didn't want kids. And now it's been 20 years and still no kids.

What I've found is we can feel a certain way and have certain plans, but life has a way of changing things. Nothing about my life now is as I planned it to go. So don't get too stuck on too much. Be ready to go with things as they change.

You need to work, for things to work out. Are you not able to work?

Everyone deals with life, the trick is to have the right perspective.

A really recent lesson I learned, was to send all your concerns to God. Pray about it and forget it, sort of thing. Whatever happens you can thank God for it all.

It seems every time I worry about something endlessly, it is solved, but than there is something else to worry about. God is trying to teach me something maybe. lol

Look back at your life and see all the blessings you have. O.k. your love is gone, but what do you still have? You have some depression and anxiety, but do you think your the only one? Everyone is affected by this crazy time.

You can look back at your past and see a disaster, or you can look to the present, and see the possibilities. Every time I think I'm being short changed in life, God surprises with a new adventure, not to mention blessing after blessing. If you don't think we are all dealing with some stuff, your not listening.

Everyone I talk to is going through stuff, everyone.

Another lesson I'm learning is, do I trust God, or do I trust money?!?! God wants to be our treasure, our savings, our emergency fund, our everything. God wants to be the God of your life, he doesn't like to be in second place. We just have to trust that their is a plan, and the plan is good. Don't doubt, just trust.

It's... interesting for you to ask me whether I trust God or money (I'm assuming you're applying that question to me, too) because... that is something I have been struggling with lately. In fact... there was one time when I had a bit of a silver collection, and I ended up selling it off and using the money for something fun because I felt like I was idolizing it and using it as a potential "what if" for in case anything happened in the future when God wanted me to put that trust in Him instead. And... every single time I have needed anything, it was given. And anytime I wanted something... I have tended to take it for granted when it was given.

Honestly... I strongly feel that one thing a lot of people in this day and age don't really seem to get is... well, they seem to automatically assume in some cases that if you're living with your parents, you're a lazy bum. If you aren't making your own money, you're a leech who isn't even trying to make your own way in the world and benefit society.

The thing is... well, there are SOME areas where I can honestly say I have been a leech, because I am definitely guilty of taking advantage of people's genorisity at times throughout my life, and not using what I have been given very wisely. But on the other hand....

I feel like what some people fail to realize in this day and age is that there are ways to be invaluable even if you've never gone to college or make no money. You can look after an apartment while your parents work fulltime because your presence might dissuade robbers, and you can look after your handicapped brother while they work. You can also cook for your parents and brother so they have less to do when they get home from work.

It's just... always been a bit of a pet peeve of mine, when some people (namely my grandmother, one of my aunts, and some friends of the past) basically make it sound like you're nothing if you aren't actively paying bills yourself or making your own money. There are just... some situations where maybe you can't work, at least not yet, and you're quite valuable in other ways despite not working.

I watched this video two times a few days back. It was a blessing, maybe it will help you.

I would say some people project way too much on others.
for example, the ones that asked me most about being unemployed when I was unemployed didnt have any jobs to offer me, or they were retired and got their own pension and seemed rather smug and self satisfied that they were doing alright.

The ones most worried about me seemingly not paying bills never actually paid their own bills...their husbands did.

Unfotunately if you are not well off and single, staying at home and doing housework is the best option, because you are keeping the home fires burning as it is, but people seem to have this idea that jobs are always plentiful out there and paying someone elses mortgage (by renting a place) is really cool when Its not, its a trap.

The dyslexia thing - there are actually books printed on dyslexia friendly paper - its more of a creamy colour.
The fonts are bold and the spacing is far apart. Or what you can do is use a sheet of paper to cover lines as you read, so that you are not confronted with a sea of text.

There are also glasses with coloured lenses you can buy that can help I dont think its anything to do with intelligence its actually seems like its more of a vision problem. So dont put yourself down for it.

some of us are more coordinated at things than others and some less. Just have to find different ways to do things thats all.

Yeah... I have been guilty of projecting too much onto others sometimes. My friend said during her lecture to me that I've had a way of placing any guy who would give me enough attention on a pedestal, and then projecting my disappointment onto them. I guess... in some ways, I've always had an image of a perfect, strong mate who would fit a certain mold and make me happy 24/7. Buuuut in the end.............. especially during my teens and twenties, I never had any thought whatsoever about how I could make the other person happy or what I could do for the other person. It was always about me being happy, and I did act like quite the obnoxious brat at times when the other person hurt my feelings or made me feel anything less than happy.

I also find it interesting when you say those things about those people you mentioned.... it sounds to me like those people didn't actually care. Perhaps in some way, the ones who were "most worried" about you not paying bills were actually feeling a bit guilty because they wanted to do more to pay their own bills? I dunno.

Either way... I dunno. I actually find that in many cases, most people actually don't care that much and just want to stick their noses into things and render some kind of judgement, or make a subconscious comparison to make themselves feel better. I have been guilty of this too, and in one former social circle I used to be in years ago, I was once called an incurable gossip (rightfully so, I was) and I was ultra-judgemental, thinking I could act as other people's pre-judge and jury for the afterlife on behalf of God, even if i wouldn't have wanted to see it that way back then.

These days... I still do get a bit gossipy sometimes. Buuuut.... I am really trying to curb that habit, and I've also made the decision to just not bother certain people or not ask them how they're doing in some cases, cuz.... in a way, this may sound cold and harsh, but the reality/truth is... if I am not really asking some people something because I actually care, but rather because I'm just being nosy/curious or maybe I want to just use it as an opening to talk about myself, or maybe I want something else altogether... I shouldn't disgrace them with my presence. I should leave them alone to their life, and just do stuff for myself.

I still remember reading a post on Quora once, "True altruism doesn't exist and nobody but your parents really care about you." And... I am an incredibly self-absorbed introvert, and perhaps... I have gotten a bit too worldly and somewhat seeped into liberalism. I'm not even sure where altruism exists anymore, if it even does, or where it fits in trying to be an example for Christ. Is anything truly genuine when every heart is fallen?

On the topic of houses and rent....

I agree that paying someone else's morgage through rent is a trap lol. Though in many cases it's the only thing anybody can afford. One thing that my parents and I have sorta sometimes talked about is how, back in the 1800's, it was possible to just plunk down on a chunk land and build a house.... the point being, these days, it seems like it is almost illegal to live in any place that is not properly set up with electricity, indoor plumbing, etc etc.... yet our ancestors did not even HAVE any of that, and many of them were able to survive.

I am probably a bit of a hypocrite here, because I love the benefits of modern technology and, while I don't have as much as some people might, I value the microwave and the fridge. At this point, I couldn't imagine living without any of it. But at the same time... even if power outages are VERY rare, my Mom has pointed out time and again that... well, what if something ever happens where you DO lose the power for a long period of time? You never know what could happen oneday, and all that precious stuff you have stored in your freezer might go bad, and you could freeze during the Winter if you don't have electric heat and don't have a fireplace or woodstove.

I guess... sometimes, I just think some people in this day and age are a bit... silly and over-reliant on some modern stuff, and I can actually speak from experience because I grew up in a very rural, remote place where we had to use a generator for power and we didn't even have indoor plumbing. We had to rely on wood we cut ourselves for warmth. It was hard, and I wouldn't want to return to that life because I prefer living in suburban areas as I do now, but the point is... we survived.

And I sometimes worry about the future of America, and possibly some other countries too, because... the new generations have no idea what skills some of the previous generations did on a regular basis to keep up their stamina and survive, and keep doing things for themselves... and in a few more generations, I do wonder if half the population would starve to death or be easily conquered in some areas if something ever happened where they lost the internet or there was a year-long world-wide power outage or something.

point is we cant live like baby boomers lived as we just are not in the same circumstances as they were.
They had cheap housing, free education, govt subsidies, etc. govts actually encouraged them to have children. . Mothers got milk money. Husbandscould earn enough that there was enought to raise an entire family on one income. Jobs were plentiful and easy to get. Unskilled jobs paid well. There was more land available.

thats is simply not the case now.

I think in this day and age, especially with covid, the best thing we can do is work from home. Now women have been doing this for centuries, unpaid ...but now men have to do it as well lol.

One friend I used to hang out with a lot said that, in her opinion, part of the biggest problem in this day and age is that there are too many people.

I... can't help but wonder if there is some truth to that. More people means less land and other things to go around, and more... greediness to go around. Plus the world's population has increased significantly since WW2.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was always taught that God considers each and every human being unique and He crafted a soul for each individual person. It's just... when it comes to the topic of overpopulation, and how too many careless humans can destroy our own habitats, I can't help but feel there is SOME truth to that. All I have to do is step outside my own apartment building and I always see coffee cups, soda bottles and cigarette butts scattered in places out there. (Seriously, have these people never heard of trash cans? That's why there are these things called trash containers outside, duh.)