"Women Only Want Money"; "Men Only Want Sex." How Do You Cope With These Assumptions?

Hey Everyone,

I don't know about you all, but as a long-time single in the Christian community, these two statements seem to be the most prevalent pre-conceived notions that I see in the dating world:

1. "Women Are Only Out for Money."

2. Men Are Only Out for Sex."

Here is an excerpt from a post I made in another thread:

Stereotypes are so plentiful that I would have to contemplate that maybe it takes active work to try to not buy into them.

A long time ago I seemed to be on this streak of meeting guys who said they were Christian, but one wanted me to meet him at a house where we'd be alone (on a first date,) and another, whom I actually liked and would have gone out with again -- except that he started texting me to ask how soon we could "start sharing bodies" -- after the first date.

Despite this, I didn't get to a point where I expected or thought all men would be like that. However, I did let myself believe that any guy I liked would just soon replace me anyway, so I didn't put in much effort. Fortunately, I had a couple of close friends who were willing to take on the challenge of flat-out telling me, "You need to change your attitude." What really hit home to me was when a close female friend wrote me and said, "Whenever you start talking about guys, I absolutely cringe, because I can assure you, none of the men in my family are like that."

And that's when I knew I needed to seriously repent and ask God for help (though I still admit, part of me still expects to be replaced and braces myself for it, or keeps some distance.)

I also know that the biggest belief I seem to have to fight against as a single woman is that women are only out for money. I have sat through many a (first and only) date in which the guy would tell me his entire dating history of all the women who had done him wrong, which usually involved his bank account. Now I understand that completely -- we've all been hurt, and many of us were hurt in the same way repeatedly.

But the turning point for me is when they turn it into a personal challenge and make the implication: "Prove to me that YOU'RE any different." I always, always offer to pay my own way on a date. But the minute that stereotype shows up in full force and gets projected onto me, I try my best to politely listen the rest of the time, ask the waiter for the full check for both of us so that I can pay, thank him for his time, and go on my merry way.

If someone is convinced that I'm going to be like everyone else and thinks that I have to somehow prove myself, that is the one and only time I'll make the effort to do so.

And it has also made me hyper-aware that I have to actively work against doing this to anyone else -- I can't assume that they are going to be like X (or exes,) and try to make it their job to prove that they are somehow the exception, because I don't want anyone else to do that to me.

How about all of you?

* What previously-held beliefs do you or have you thought about others when dating? What assumptions have they made about you?

* When someone assumes something about you, do you feel a need to work to prove that you are different? Do you mind feeling a need to do so, or does it leave you feeling resentful?

* How do you handle it if you assume something about someone -- and are proven wrong?

I'm guessing that most everyone in the dating community runs into these kinds of situations, and I am very interested in hearing about how the rest of you react to it.

I know I took considerable time to explain my own frustration with the belief that a woman is only out for a man's wallet...

One of my hopes for this thread is that we'll also get the chance to hear the counterpoint -- men who are fed up with being seen as only being out for sex, what they feel they have to do to counteract/disprove that belief, and the frustrations they may feel because of it.

I think that's a huge part of the reason I stay out the dating scene. One of the downsides of our modern culture is that when women and men have the ability to be friends and buddies, it's hard to see what the difference between friendship and dating is except for the wanting to have sex part (and I hear that in some circles even that isn't a good defining line anymore).

I remember when I first was going out with guys in my 20s and I didnt know anything, (about dating) and I would go to pay whatever it was...food or something, but the guy was like I'll pay for you and I'm like why Im not broke.

Oh how I would love to be able to subvert all stereotypes.. and be a guy who is only in it for the money!

For some reason this thread reminds me of certain managers who have spoken to me as though I was a recalcitrant teenager... because they usually work night shift and deal with a lot of recalcitrant teenagers. They have dealt with them for so long that they started defaulting to that mode out of habit. On night shift it is usually the only way to get anything done. Since that is what usually gets results for them, it saves time to automate their thought processes by just assuming that is the method they should use.

What does that have to do with dating? If somebody made assumptions about me as a man on a date, I would immediately start speculating what has happened in her past to make her assume these things about me. Given my straightforward nature I would probably ask her directly about her past related to her assumptions about me.

So if you ask about all the potential problems in your date's past..... is it fair to complain that they spent the whole date complaining about their exes?

Usually...
First dates are not a decent or accurate sample of who a person truly is.

Everyone is nervous, worried and paying attention to anything and everything other than what they are supposed to.

Sure, first impressions count...but that's the reason you got the date to begin with. The real test of a possible real relationship comes around the fifth date or so.

And generally speaking, if all the summation of your dating life can be boiled down to a stereo type...there's a problem and it isn't the opposite sex.

Either your behavior is attracting the wrong sort or you are wearing colored glasses that color everyone with the same perceptions.

Single, available Christian men without huge red flags of vice or massive issues to overcome are almost Unicorns in status. These mythical creatures actually do exist but in numbers so small that they are thought to not exist whatsoever.

But then when one actually does walk through the door they get discounted publicly so much for various reasons... mostly to get the competition to not compete. But the guy hears these things as insults instead of how things really are.

And I agree that it's scary out there...

But a guy walking into a Methodist or Baptist Church is not going to be like a Fundamentalist Mormon and expect to have a dozen wives who stay home barefoot and pregnant.

However, the guy should be wary of the dozens of women in church who have a form of Terets and fibro-mialgia linked together. (Joke)

A guy walking through the church doors who doesn't wear lace boxers or a parson's collar is a huge rarity...

Sorry, but that's the breaks.

But it's definitely weighted to the guys at the moment. Any woman with huge amounts of problems is going to have a difficult time competing for a guy's attention. Huge amount of money problems, overloaded with time commitments, and overly emotional are real detractors for any guy.

How do you respond to these statements? Just ignore them. Every individual is different from others, so each person must be assessed on their own merits.

They expect me to always be on point. (As I’ve told you many times, Kim)

A joke machine with a positive outlook on everything. Which is mostly how I’m like. Always up and energetic in all ways. Life moves on tho and after awhile l have normal emotions and problems

(so if her expectations are still high after months of dating) l sit her down to chat and say...

“You met my representative. I sent him home and now you have to deal with plain, normal energy, not always doing odd bits Mikey. So sorry.....Oh, and it’s not always sunny,... so there. ”

Slowly over time I’m
(Mr...funny, you crack me up!)
but slowly and surely
“Mr. Funny”
turns into
(Mr. occasional outbursts of laughter, lots of giggles)
turns into
(Mr. hahaha, 3/4 smile, small giggle)
turns into
(Mr. giggles/ pity smile)
turns into
(Mr. you’re silly /while giving me a half smile, 1/2 giggle *could be forced?)
turns into
(Mr. half smile, whisper loud type chuckle, eye roll, no teeth showing smile-smirk)
turns into
(Mr. smirk/one “heehee” a face palm, eye roll, and walks away)
turns into
(Mr. blank stare/ with occasional fist clench, *varied results depending on joke material used)
turns into
(Mr. More blank stares and occasional annoyed eye twitch)
turns into
(Mr. get some new material, Mikey! walks away, eye roll, head thump on kitchen table)
turns into...

Throwing things at me.

Just sort of jumps to the throwing things stage unexpectedly. Odd but true. As you can tell from how detailed my description and experience was described...it’s happened to me more than a few times.

I know that rerun by heart.
It’s just best if she skips this show overall and looks to see what else is on Netflix.






(Funny thing is, this post wasn’t completely written just to be funny...it’s odd, it’s the only way l can explain my life at times, 🤷🏻‍♂️
... if you did chuckle that’s cool too)

Also excerpt from as yet unpublished attempt at me writing a dating profile:
I'm really low maintenance and will be as protective of your hard earned money as I am of my own.

If guy can read that and think his amount of money is going to be an important factor for me. Guy will be dumped because his lack of reading comprehension will annoy me.

A guy cracks a few jokes and is expected to be a non-stop comedian...

That's her issue... unrealistic expectations. Most people who crack a lot of jokes are usually pessimistic...but they are often pleasantly surprised. People who are optimistic usually can find silver linings if they can get over the non-stop disappointments.

Yeah but the guy living under the 8th ave overpass will think he has a great chance too.

Oh boy, so not coool! I'm happy that they're exes now! 😉👍

No he won't think that. Mostly because there is no overpass on 8th avenue. And it does very subtly imply (I know guys tend not to get subtleties) that I do expect him to have some hard earned money of his own.

So true. Even after you meet somoene...date, and then eventually get married there will always be new facets of that person you haven't seen yet. Always learning about them won't end because we are all uniquely made 🙂. Not to mention let's face it, no ones perfect whether you are a man or woman and we all fall short, but that's why compatibility is important because what you bring together with one another can compliment🙂. Dating is barely scratching the surface, but its a good start 😉👍. What about dating to get married and not just dating to date? I see that alot now and days.. that people just want to date around, but the foundation of wanting to date to get married is hardly around anymore. Call me 'ol fashioned, I guess lol, but I admire that notion😊👍.

Interesting.
Pessimistic?
They draw from their pain in life for material? (or so l hear? 🤔)

Maybe l shouldn't set the bar so high when l first meet them? Be the opposite and slump over in my chair and complain about petty things like my Facebook acct freezing up on me a lot?... only lets me post 100 selfies a day?

One could say that maybe l see the funny side to everything. Maybe too much? And that has to stop. A nice balance of rage and anger is healthy?

But in your experience... wouldn't you agree that most funny people have the "Tears of a Clown" syndrome?

They cover all their sadness that they bottle up inside sucking every little bit of possible drops of energy to wake up and face another repetitive day of grinding out the same old motions and routines of life?




...hmmm, umm, or so l hear that's what they tend to do?

When I used to be single. (Very happily married currently)

One of the best things I ever did was listen more to how a person said what they said things about whatever... especially other people. What questions did they ask when talking?

What they said wasn't so relevant in discovering who they are...but how they said things was...

Hi interesting thread..Unfortunately men have a two fold struggle.One of them unfortunately is that in the world we live in it's mostly men who commit sex crimes...it's mostly men who are only after one thing...we hear of politicians,presidents,pastors,husbands alike falling into sex scandals of various kinds...plus its mostly men who are into pedophilia/child porn you name it and unfortunately this does give men as a gender a particular type of labelling.The second one is a degree is presumption this can cause when it comes to dating as I have heard of some churches that have strict rules where a guy cannot approach a woman if he likes her but must 1st chat with the pastor and explain how he feels about her,his intentions towards her..if he is looking for a wife...does he work..can he provide for her..bla bla bla...but he has no idea if the woman in question even likes him yet..Some guys are seen in such a negative light as having no self control that they are not allowed to be alone with who they are dating but must always be among others.I do understand the wisdom in this too...yet there us no actual evidence to suggest he has inappropriate intentions at all in many cases..Its just assumed that a guy can't be trusted.

Personally I hate such labelling coz we all know that no every guy is like that..and many of us have sexual struggles for sure but that doesn't mean we're gonna wanna fornicate with who we're dating or like ect..I personally hate sexual sin coz it causes so much pain and damage and is so deceptive.Funny enough I have met women who seem to like the ideas that guys are at times seen to want to be after sex coz it gives them feel self righteous and I have heard some even say that "you guys are all weak..."..being told to guys who they have no real evidence to be labelling as sexually weak.
I have never come across dating a woman who has been after my money.Often I come across those who try to control me or play mind games and many times the gift of discernment is stronger when is in a relationship or like someone whereby I begin to spirtually react to what's behind it all.

I love the idea of going out for a meal and paying for the meal at times...naturally thing would be 50/50 on other dates ect...I live in England and there are some women who wanna be treated like a queen but don't wanna treat the guy like a king.I think it's horrible for any woman to like a guy and date him only to realise that he is only after sex and some guys will manipulate..flatter ect just to woo her into bed..Its a terrible thing to happen and I know it happens among Christian too.
I have had a woman once presume I was like other guys and wanted sex....and even tried it on but she soon realised she wasn't getting anywhere and yelled "I hate you!"😂
I think it's blessing to have our presumptions proved wrong and I would really cherish a woman even more if my presumptions of being controlled or mind games being played I have are proved wrong...man...its time to rejoice..💕

Stereotypes exist for good reason: because many people experience them. Many men are looking only for sex, and many women are looking for money. Sadly, many people who claim to be Christians have not submitted their base natures to Christ, and continue to seek sex (respect/acceptance) and money (security). Only when we see that in Christ, those underlying needs are fully met, can we stop looking to other humans to meet them.