Why Doesn't Anyone Talk About Believers Dating Unequally Yoked Believers?

Hey Everyone,

True Believer's recent thread reminded me of something I think about often in the Christian Singles community. We singles are always, always adamantly told to never, ever be unequally yoked in romantic relationships with unbelievers -- and I completely understand that. I am certainly not trying to argue the Bible's wisdom regarding believers marrying only other believers.

But on the flip side (and IToreTheSky's post touched on this,) why doesn't anyone talk about believers who find themselves unequally yoked with other Christian believers?

Let me give you 2 examples.

1. Story #1 -- Molly believes in infant sprinkling baptism, while Matt believes that a believer should be able to request baptism (full submersion, just as it was done in the Bible,) as an act of faith when they are old enough. They both hold true to the basic tenants of faith (salvation through belief in Christ as their Savior,) and since baptism isn't a "major" issue of faith, they decide they'll work around it, respect each other's beliefs, and just get married anyway.

After some time, their son Max is born. Molly, according to her beliefs, wants a full-on christening (infant baptism and naming ceremony) at church, as this is a big part of her beliefs about raising a child in a Godly way, as well as her family expecting them to carry on what they see as a sacred act.

Matt is very uncomfortable with this and doesn't want any of this for his son. He wants Max to be able to choose full submersion baptism as a consenting, acknowledging believer when he is old enough. Molly's family is whispering in disapproval that Matt must not care for the spiritual welfare of his son. After all, what if something happened to little Max? While Molly's family church would never say for sure if a baby would go to heaven or hell (because they would admit to not knowing,) they believe that infant baptism invites the Holy Spirit into the child's heart, and if the child should die before being old enough to understand, this would greatly "up" their chances of getting into heaven.)

Molly and Max find themselves arguing all the time over this, because it's not something they can just keep overlooking.

How do these two young parents resolve this?

2. Story #2 -- Sara has been a believer all her life. She's had a lot of ups and downs with her Christian walk, but she's had the time to experience a lot within her faith. Sam is a relatively new believer who came to Christ 2 years go. He is totally on fire for God and is happily giving away money and belongings to help anyone he encounters who has a need -- after all, he's read it right in the Bible that he should not turn anyone away empty-handed when they ask. However, Sam is running into some trouble himself. He's finding himself a little short on cash because he's giving away so much. But Sam wants to please God with all his heart, and truly believes he's doing the right thing.

Sara loves Sam's giving heart -- it's part of why she falls in love with him -- so they decide to get married. However... Problems begin to emerge because Sam is constantly giving away money and trying to help people. They're short on rent because Sam was trying to help a co-worker who has a drug problem. Sara warns Sam of possibly enabling this person, but Sam tells her God gives everyone a second chance. Sara also tries to talk to Sam about setting a budget and making sure they have enough first, but Sam says that God would say that they should put others before themselves.

Sara has had a long, tumultuous history with trying to help others, and she has learned that boundaries must be set and adhered to for a reason. She also knows that sometimes believers get caught up in works and wind up enabling others to make poor choices. However, Sam won't listen because he hasn't gotten to that point himself and believes he is doing the work of God. In fact, he is talking to her about giving away their car, because they could just get bicycles.

Sara doesn't know what to do. They are falling further into debt, and she doesn't want to undermine his role as the husband and leader of the family. But Sam says that "God will provide," and doesn't think twice about the growing pile of "Past Due" bills on their counter. And it is tearing their marriage apart. Sara no longer feels secure, and wonders if Sam is going to give them away right into homelessness.

Both of these examples are taken from incidences in real life.

I know this thread could easily dissolve into arguments of how to handle baptisms and budgets. However, personal beliefs about these issues are NOT the point of thread. The point of the thread is identifying with one or more of the characters in the story and telling us how you would work this problem out in a peaceful way with your own wife or husband if it were you.

When answering this thread, the questions to focus on are:

* What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you approach the subject in a loving, respectful manner with your spouse?

* What advice would you give to other singles on dating believers who are "equally yoked"?

Frankly, with everything there is to try to "match up" as far as "dating compatibility" goes, I know it must be a humongous miracle ANY time God puts two people together who find a way to make it work.

Our married friends here are more than welcome to tell us how they have handled these matters personally.

I'm looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts, both single and married.

Please remember, this thread is not about posting your position on baptism or finances and trying to convince everyone of what they should believe about them. Rather, it's about overlooking differences in another believer (maybe they're so good-looking, methods of baptism seem to go right out the window at the time,) and how to deal with them on the day of reckoning.

The problem is actually kind of self-cancelling. I will explain later (if I can remember my train of thought..) right now I have to finish these lovely $1 tacos.

Don't marry if you don't interpret scriptures the same way. Don't marry if you or they are not financially responsible. Don't marry if you fight about anything. Don't marry if they disagree with you about anything. Just don't marry. Problem solved.

The problem is actually kind of self-cancelling. I will explain later (if I can remember my train of thought..) right now I have to finish these lovely $1 tacos.

That's a bit unfair to say. You can find out a lot beforehand, but the problem is that a lot of these things only get found out after you get married... unless maybe if you've dated for years, which is unlikely. You can't fully know someone until you start living together. Should now Christians be living together with their love interests so they can find everything out before marriage? Most of us would agree, that this wouldn't be a good Christian practice.

I believe people should pray a lot before getting married, but also, God isn't a micromanager - as long as He is obeyed and followed, we have a lot of freedom in our choices. He leads to specific choices at times, but I have personally come to realize that God will not give out laundry lists that we sometimes expect from Him: choose this specific vocation, apply for this specific job, move to a specific place, marry this specific person. He really only cares that the Way of Christ is upheld in our lives. Whatever we choose, besides that, we are free to choose, and to deal with the consequences on our own.

I suppose, that if a person is afraid of a bad marriage and not ready to risk, they probably shouldn't marry. I am just saying that this isn't "problem solved". It's more admitting one's own inability to solve the problem, or declaring that the problem is unsolvable, and choosing to run away or giving up instead.

dont marry...

got it.

I like that Soulweaver calls it 'concession' rather than compromise, I hear so many people say marriage is a compromise, that I kind of wonder how good it can be if you have to compromise ALL the time.
Compromise might be meeting halfway, but half way feels kind of half hearted. Isnt a marriage you just go all in, give your all to the other person and the other person gives their all to you.


dating...you dont have to date someone all the time. You can just date them a few times and then stop if you dont think you are on equal footing. I dont want to be dragged along or the one that has to pull someone else, even if we have the same faith, I think we are all given a measure of faith, and the disparity will show up sooner or later.

But like the virgins with their oils, you get it beforehand you dont say you dont have any then go steal it from someone else. I witness a lot of marriage like that. Of course the person giving at first seems happy to until they themselves run out so you both end up with less. You need to get the oil from God FIRST not each other.

That's a bit unfair to say. You can find out a lot beforehand, but the problem is that a lot of these things only get found out after you get married... unless maybe if you've dated for years, which is unlikely. You can't fully know someone until you start living together. Should now Christians be living together with their love interests so they can find everything out before marriage? Most of us would agree, that this wouldn't be a good Christian practice.

I believe people should pray a lot before getting married, but also, God isn't a micromanager - as long as He is obeyed and followed, we have a lot of freedom in our choices. He leads to specific choices at times, but I have personally come to realize that God will not give out laundry lists that we sometimes expect from Him: choose this specific vocation, apply for this specific job, move to a specific place, marry this specific person. He really only cares that the Way of Christ is upheld in our lives. Whatever we choose, besides that, we are free to choose, and to deal with the consequences on our own.

I suppose, that if a person is afraid of a bad marriage and not ready to risk, they probably shouldn't marry. I am just saying that this isn't "problem solved". It's more admitting one's own inability to solve the problem, or declaring that the problem is unsolvable, and choosing to run away or giving up instead.

Hey Everyone,

True Believer's recent thread reminded me of something I think about often in the Christian Singles community. We singles are always, always adamantly told to never, ever be unequally yoked in romantic relationships with unbelievers -- and I completely understand that. I am certainly not trying to argue the Bible's wisdom regarding believers marrying only other believers.

But on the flip side (and IToreTheSky's post touched on this,) why doesn't anyone talk about believers who find themselves unequally yoked with other Christian believers?

Let me give you 2 examples.

1. Story #1 -- Molly believes in infant sprinkling baptism, while Matt believes that a believer should be able to request baptism (full submersion, just as it was done in the Bible,) as an act of faith when they are old enough. They both hold true to the basic tenants of faith (salvation through belief in Christ as their Savior,) and since baptism isn't a "major" issue of faith, they decide they'll work around it, respect each other's beliefs, and just get married anyway.

After some time, their son Max is born. Molly, according to her beliefs, wants a full-on christening (infant baptism and naming ceremony) at church, as this is a big part of her beliefs about raising a child in a Godly way, as well as her family expecting them to carry on what they see as a sacred act.

Matt is very uncomfortable with this and doesn't want any of this for his son. He wants Max to be able to choose full submersion baptism as a consenting, acknowledging believer when he is old enough. Molly's family is whispering in disapproval that Matt must not care for the spiritual welfare of his son. After all, what if something happened to little Max? While Molly's family church would never say for sure if a baby would go to heaven or hell (because they would admit to not knowing,) they believe that infant baptism invites the Holy Spirit into the child's heart, and if the child should die before being old enough to understand, this would greatly "up" their chances of getting into heaven.)

Molly and Max find themselves arguing all the time over this, because it's not something they can just keep overlooking.

How do these two young parents resolve this?

2. Story #2 -- Sara has been a believer all her life. She's had a lot of ups and downs with her Christian walk, but she's had the time to experience a lot within her faith. Sam is a relatively new believer who came to Christ 2 years go. He is totally on fire for God and is happily giving away money and belongings to help anyone he encounters who has a need -- after all, he's read it right in the Bible that he should not turn anyone away empty-handed when they ask. However, Sam is running into some trouble himself. He's finding himself a little short on cash because he's giving away so much. But Sam wants to please God with all his heart, and truly believes he's doing the right thing.

Sara loves Sam's giving heart -- it's part of why she falls in love with him -- so they decide to get married. However... Problems begin to emerge because Sam is constantly giving away money and trying to help people. They're short on rent because Sam was trying to help a co-worker who has a drug problem. Sara warns Sam of possibly enabling this person, but Sam tells her God gives everyone a second chance. Sara also tries to talk to Sam about setting a budget and making sure they have enough first, but Sam says that God would say that they should put others before themselves.

Sara has had a long, tumultuous history with trying to help others, and she has learned that boundaries must be set and adhered to for a reason. She also knows that sometimes believers get caught up in works and wind up enabling others to make poor choices. However, Sam won't listen because he hasn't gotten to that point himself and believes he is doing the work of God. In fact, he is talking to her about giving away their car, because they could just get bicycles.

Sara doesn't know what to do. They are falling further into debt, and she doesn't want to undermine his role as the husband and leader of the family. But Sam says that "God will provide," and doesn't think twice about the growing pile of "Past Due" bills on their counter. And it is tearing their marriage apart. Sara no longer feels secure, and wonders if Sam is going to give them away right into homelessness.

Both of these examples are taken from incidences in real life.

I know this thread could easily dissolve into arguments of how to handle baptisms and budgets. However, personal beliefs about these issues are NOT the point of thread. The point of the thread is identifying with one or more of the characters in the story and telling us how you would work this problem out in a peaceful way with your own wife or husband if it were you.

When answering this thread, the questions to focus on are:

* What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you approach the subject in a loving, respectful manner with your spouse?

* What advice would you give to other singles on dating believers who are "equally yoked"?

Frankly, with everything there is to try to "match up" as far as "dating compatibility" goes, I know it must be a humongous miracle ANY time God puts two people together who find a way to make it work.

Our married friends here are more than welcome to tell us how they have handled these matters personally.

I'm looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts, both single and married.

Please remember, this thread is not about posting your position on baptism or finances and trying to convince everyone of what they should believe about them. Rather, it's about overlooking differences in another believer (maybe they're so good-looking, methods of baptism seem to go right out the window at the time,) and how to deal with them on the day of reckoning.

If I were to say, do not banndy words with an imbecile, nor microwave a hotdog for a master chef. Would that make any sense, whatsoever? But I suppose, that would fall into the pre yoked category.

The "you're not making me happy" syndrome.
I am guessing that the key to successful marriages are two mature people who know how to be happy in Jesus independently and then who also know how to be nice and polite at all times no matter the circumstances. Like perfect examples of Christian civility, kindness, politeness and hospitality 24x7. But that's just my guess. I am probably wrong.

The "you're not making me happy" syndrome.
I am guessing that the key to successful marriages are two mature people who know how to be happy in Jesus independently and then who also know how to be nice and polite at all times no matter the circumstances. Like perfect examples of Christian civility, kindness, politeness and hospitality 24x7. But that's just my guess. I am probably wrong.

The problem is actually kind of self-cancelling. I will explain later (if I can remember my train of thought..) right now I have to finish these lovely $1 tacos.