I live with my family. I went back to school after a few years. That's part of my current issue. I want a decent career, a place to call my home and a family. All my friends have that and I struggle because it's something I've wanted since I can remember. My family can't help with tuition. The place my dad was a manager at closed and my mom wants to leave her job.
I called my Uni because last semester I was in counseling there. They told me I was really bad off, but they had no room. I was told to pet a stuffed animal and shower because she assumed I hadn't showered in weeks. (I shower nightly.) I've pulled myself out of the ditch I was in when I called them by God's grace, but things are still rocky. Sleeping is difficult and eating is a day by day thing. Sometimes I eat nothing, other times I want everything. Depends on how the depression hits.
When it comes to the vision, it came shortly after I began speaking tongues. It's something that I can't see/remember. There are moments where I start to remember it and then I get hit with an overwhelming feeling of faint/nausea. God brought up the story in Daniel about the angel bringing the vision but having to go through the prince of the region (controlling demon). In it scripture says "My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. 9 Then I heard the man speak, and when I heard the sound of his voice, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground."
Since I deal with the same symptoms that Daniel did, I assumed it was of God and sought the Lord for truth. When I began to question if it was of God (because of something someone had once said to me. Which side note: he was running a small group that I was involved in. He mentioned that He didn't think it was of God and then right after his wife and he announced they'd be gone for a few months to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and group stopped so... He mentions he doesn't think it's of God and the group where I'm getting fed stops...), things started spiraling. I had to rush my dog to the vet, spilled an entire cup of water on my new laptop, and lost my job all on the same day. From there, I was sick the entire next day. Then my Uni classes the day after were set on discussing Rona for 6 and a half hours instead of teaching. The more I picked at this thread the more things go downhill, my tuition became an issue, the guy stopped talking to me, my friends have mostly gone silent, Uni can no longer help me with counseling, I'm struggling with my senior Uni project (I'm 8 months out from graduation). The list goes on.
As for the guy, it's an odd situation. When I worked there, he really was attached to my hip. Other people noticed and thought it was odd. He was always making sure I was taken care of. He constantly reminded me of 1 Corinthians 13 (which that verse annoyed me until I saw it play out like that). What's more, is the way Jesus loves us was and is mirrored in how he treats me. I don't know the level of his relationship with Christ but I know it's there. He wouldn't ever tell me why he cared. When I asked once, he got all red in the face and changed the subject. He wasn't a fan of customers flirting with me. He didn't like when I mentioned other guys. God has shown up in that relationship like I've never seen. With guys I've liked, it has never been God speaking so outright. At one point, God asked me if I was sold out him and then the guy did all these little things that reflected the love of Jesus. My biggest prayer became that all that is hidden will be revealed between us. When I was furloughed in March, I didn't think I'd ever talk to him until I went back, whenever that would be. God spurred me on to trade numbers and the guy gave me his number. There was one point where we stopped texting for a few weeks. Since then, we text every week a few times and normally he responds immediately. If he doesn't, he apologizes and explains why. He doesn't initiate texts, but in person I never initiated and God keeps reminding me that I do have to put work into a relationship as well. When I went from furloughed to terminated I text him and thanked him for everything. He didn't respond. Three days later I said I hope we could still be friends. I thought it was over but God kept saying "It's not over. Do you trust me?" God then gave me the verse 1 Corinthians 4:5 "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring light to what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God." (Which plays into the demonic attack I've been overwhelmed with as well as my request to God for all that is hidden to be revealed)
The guy wrote the next day and said he was sorry he hadn't responded, he'd been busy. I know he doesn't like discussing emotions from what I've witnessed. God also showed me how I will forget to text people, especially if it's something that's really difficult, like losing a coworker who's a friend.
With all that said, sorry it was a bit lengthy. In writing this though, I realized I am under a massive attack that all links together. And I'm worried I cannot fight it. I know I'm exhausted and I'm doing my best to worship and praise (which just heightens the attack). I think there's a part of me that fears it will never end. I don't have any small groups to join. Like I mentioned earlier, the one I had is disbanded for the time being. Uni doesn't offer such things. There's an agenda there and it's not of God. I just want to cast out whatever this demon is that's plaguing me. I know it's there but I don't know how to be delivered from it. It's fighting harder than any other demons that have been cast out of me and it's exhausting me to the bone.
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