Advice available

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How would you rate your "romantic relationship with the opposite sex" knowledge?

  • I've got some of the basics I think, but I've got a long way to go yet

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    9
  • Poll closed .

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,729
1,921
113
#41
yeah, discernment.......
something A LOT of people here claim to have, but obviously don't. You want to hide behind "typos" from someone who is known to say things to get people worked up who then goes and uses a very old, sick joke just to see what type of sympathy and reactions they can get from it. I am willing to bet that he is sitting back, reading the replies and laughing at all of you.
But whatever :rolleyes: it's all on the user who wrote it and the gullible repliers.

1ofthem> 1 of who? people who speak one thing but show different? Yeah, it's me in my pic? I'd LOVE to know what you have to say..........
Jealous much? or should I say 'judgmental much?"
Seriously now...discernment you say....hahaha. What is your concern with it, either way?

The sick thing is doing what you did on that thread... totally sick. Pretty evil if you ask me.

Anyways, is that you in the picture? Or are you just trolling, Missy? ;)

Wonder if I should call you out and link that pic for everyone to see? :unsure:;)
 
S

suzzyQ

Guest
#42
Or are you just trolling, Missy? ;)

Wonder if I should call you out and link that pic for everyone to see? :unsure:;)
looks to me like you are the one who is trolling, following a person (me) around on threads to continue making comments.........
shall I start following you around on your threads?
We all have past....... you wanna dig mine up?
Looks like the pot calling the kettle black here........

hey mr. @Cephas_rock :
you wanna give advice:
What's your advice here?
Someone joins a so called "Christian" site looking for answers to this thing called "Christianity" looking to start fresh and anew, and gets treated no different by "Christians" than non christians?

yeah missy that's about you.......
you really are 1of them.........
one of them that talks......
just makes me wanna :sick: no different than people I am trying to get away and break ties from, but I guess if you put the word "Christian" around it than it makes it ok.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,729
1,921
113
#43
looks to me like you are the one who is trolling, following a person (me) around on threads to continue making comments.........
shall I start following you around on your threads?
We all have past....... you wanna dig mine up?
Looks like the pot calling the kettle black here........

hey mr. @Cephas_rock :
you wanna give advice:
What's your advice here?
Someone joins a so called "Christian" site looking for answers to this thing called "Christianity" looking to start fresh and anew, and gets treated no different by "Christians" than non christians?

yeah missy that's about you.......
you really are 1of them.........
one of them that talks......
just makes me wanna :sick: no different than people I am trying to get away and break ties from, but I guess if you put the word "Christian" around it than it makes it ok.
Well, I don't have all day to play games with you....Stop disrespecting people who recently had a child die...Grow up Missy...Isn't that your name. If not then I'm assuming that is not your pic.

I'm 1 of them with a little discernment :p....Shall we see which 1 of them are you?

To link or not to link....that is the question?????;)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,725
9,656
113
#44
1ofthem, suzzyQ, could you please keep this in the thread where it started? it has nothing to do with either this thread or the original thread, but the least y'all could do is not muddy up TWO threads with this crap.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,725
9,656
113
#45
Never mind... It would probably be better to keep it in this thread. It wasn't going anywhere anyway. Better to leave the thread about personal loss alone, as y'all have already done more than enough damage there as it is.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,729
1,921
113
#46
1ofthem, suzzyQ, could you please keep this in the thread where it started? it has nothing to do with either this thread or the original thread, but the least y'all could do is not muddy up TWO threads with this crap.
Sorry but no, It's not appropriate for that thread at all.

I'm finished with it anyways. Shouldn't have even brought it on this thread either, though... Just didn't want to disrespect the thread of someone who has lost a child, and I thought it strange reading this thread and saw that he/she was worried about other people's discernment. Still you're right no need for it here, either. So I apologize for that... my bad :)
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,729
1,921
113
#47
Never mind... It would probably be better to keep it in this thread. It wasn't going anywhere anyway. Better to leave the thread about personal loss alone, as y'all have already done more than enough damage there as it is.
What???? How about we call a spade a spade?

Wait...never mind. This is really about people who don't have discernment now, right....lol
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,467
2,704
113
#48
the only advice i have is...

follow the Holy Spirit. He is faaaaar better at leading us than we ourselves. :)
 
Sep 25, 2020
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#49
seems to be a lot of that floating around this site

so, cephas_rock,
are you some type of self help author or counselor or something like that?
Because reading ALL your replies I feel like I'm either reading a boring book or attending a boring self help class.
And there's a lot I'd LOVE to say here, but not if I'm going to get this lecture/seminar type responses.
It's my style of expressive writing SuzzyQ. I'm just someone who's had a very "interesting" life, who is empathetic and is good at communication, and who enjoys helping people. If my style doesn't suit you - and clearly it doesn't - then, that's OK. We each have styles we enjoy. I'm a super details person - have been most of my life. I'm sorry I bore you, but the people who like my style find it very engaging and helpful. Perhaps it's best if you refrain from adding to the discussion if you don't like the way I do things, as I see a few here are more interested in just cutting me down rather than listening to what I have to say. Who knows - I might have something useful to say? I learned a long time ago that everyone can potentially have wisdom - if I don't like the way a person communicates, I just leave them to it rather than spending my time slinging mud at them and criticizing them. I do engage better with people closer to my age group - younger ones tend to lack the discipline, focus and stamina for my style of delivery.. :p;)

Disclaimer: I did do 1 year of teaching English in China, ran my own business for 11.5 years where I did regular, one on one computer training for home users, taught a government computerized office skills course for 6 months back in 1992, and have generally enjoyed being someone who gathers up, processes, and redelivers information to those interested in listening, on a range of topics that interest me, relationships being one of my top interests. I have no formal qualification beyond high school certificates and some online Coursera and GoSkills, but I also don't put a lot of stock in the socialist indoctrination system that has masqueraded as "education" in the west over the last 30-odd years...
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,725
9,656
113
#50
So, Cephas_rock... this has been a rocky thread so far. First derision from all sides, then an acrimonious thread derail. Somebody should probably explain what has happened to your nice thread.

First, the derail. As you may have already gathered, the trouble started on a different thread. 1ofthem made a speech-to-text or autocorrect typo, then he corrected it, but not before suzzyQ saw it. She tried to call him out on it as being intentional. The bickering totally ruined a thread about grief over a lost family member. Then they migrated here and continued back and forth.

1ofthem, for the record I can understand why you would relocate. Good call, I think.

Derision in the next post:
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,725
9,656
113
#51
So, Cephas_rock, about the derision you have been getting in this thread...

This is a drama we have seen many, many times. We recognize it from the first lines and we can tell how it will most likely end.

ACT I
A Self Appointed Guru (SAG) sweeps into the forum and sets himself up as a source of advice. (SAG is closely related to SAP, the Self Appointed Prophet. Second cousin I believe.) The more brazen SAGs will start a thread to broadcast their offer of free advice. The more subtle SAGs will wait until somebody has a question, then swoop in with their advice... though the subtle approach is more time consuming, requiring reading many, many threads. SAGs can be recognized by two inevitable calling cards: First, they always give a long list of their credentials and proof that their advice is valid every time they make a post; second, they give advice that is generic and can be applied to just about anybody, but is often not applicable to the situation they are trying to address and the person they are trying to advise.

ACT II
People start noticing the endless spiel of credentials the SAG goes through and the hit-or-miss advice and begin questioning whether the SAG is really the G (guru) he claims to be. This irritates the SAG because he does not like being questioned and even more strongly dislikes being told he is wrong. The SAG begins debating with people, trying to prove his advice is correct and universally applicable. Usually these debates become tangential at best, and completely off-topic at worst.

ACT III
The SAGs presence on the forum degenerates into a never-ending string of arguments that he insists on believing he is winning, while everybody else is just shaking their heads in disbelief at the multiple train wrecks the SAG is driving all at once. The SAG finally has enough and quits the forum entirely, after one last, long, quite vituperative tirade in each of the argument threads.

ACT IV?
Occasionally the SAG will return under another nick and try again. It never works because people instantly recognize the style of his posts and call him out as "that guy who used to go by (the former nick.)"


So Cephas_rock, you see why we are skeptical. Once again a person joins the forum and starts offering advice to people who don't really need it. Once again he puts a long paragraph in each post about his qualifications for giving advice here. Once again his advice seems rather hit-and-miss. (I should be more bold and forthright? Really? If I were any more bold I'd be a lion tamer.) :p

Can you really blame us for thinking you're yet another SAG?
 
Sep 25, 2020
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#55
Hi Peter,

Thanks for taking the time to give your answers to my questions... I'm mostly asking because I'm interested in learning about your beliefs and stances, etc.

So here's the second round. :)

* When you say that you've counseled hundreds of couples and people, what age range do you usually work with? Do you find that age matters much? (In case you were wondering, most of the people answering you in this particular thread are in their 40's, but the actual range for those who have posted is around 30's to 60's.)

* What are your beliefs about divorce and remarriage? This is an extremely hot topic here. You'll find a wide range of beliefs on this forum -- some believe that the divorced are never allowed to remarry (and shouldn't be in the Singles forum at all); some believe that only virgins are eligible for marriage (which excludes anyone that has ever had sex); some believe those divorced may remarry under certain Biblical principles, etc.

* In your original post, you said that you had chosen to pull the plug on a dead marriage, and you have my sympathies for what you went through. When do you personally define a marriage as being "dead," and when do you believe it's Biblically allowed to divorce? (Some on the forum do not believe the divorce is ever allowed, even in cases of abuse -- just to give you and idea of the gamut of beliefs you will run into here.)

When you have you counseled other couples, at what point do you (if ever) advise them to follow suit and pull the plugs on their own "dead" marriages? Do you ever consult with a pastor/spiritual leader when counseling others, to confirm your guidance? (I just ask because this was something I was taught in a past church.)

And, what are your beliefs on the Biblical statement that God sees remarriage as adultery? (Matthew 5:31:32.) Some believe that there are Biblical exceptions... What do you believe?

I am not in any way trying to criticize your beliefs -- I'm just seeking more information in order to discern where you stand, and what advice you give to couples in troubled marriages/relationships. I'm hoping you might find this information useful as well in getting to know your audience. :)

One of the things we talk about a lot here is the fact that marriage is a lifetime commitment, and how far God calls us to honor that commitment when we make it, even amidst a myriad of reasons that the world would tells us to leave behind in order to seek happiness with someone else.
Thanks for your reply soulsearch. I'm still marginally hopeful to salvage something useful on this thread, despite it quickly devolving into Quora-esque rancor and needless unpleasantness, but, we'll see how it goes. I'll do my best to answer your questions, but make no promises to not being long-winded. Anyone else reading this who finds me boring or uninteresting - move along, nothing to see here, don't waste your breath dumping on me. This is an adult's conversation, designed for those who don't have "goldfish attention deficit" :D;):p

So, lemme speak to your questions one at a time:

* When you say that you've counseled hundreds of couples and people, what age range do you usually work with? Do you find that age matters much? (In case you were wondering, most of the people answering you in this particular thread are in their 40's, but the actual range for those who have posted is around 30's to 60's.)

The age range has been incredibly broad. From late teens when I was working in China (so I also had the cultural differences to account for, which was REALLY challenging), right through to those my own age (which over the years has obviously gone up as I've aged, ha ha). I'm not aware of anyone I've helped above my age, which is currently early 50's, but it's possible I have as some of the people I've helped on Quora could've been older - but, I suspect not. I do very much find that age matters hugely, in a variety of ways - from attention span, to understanding of basic concepts, to willingess to be challenged and accept someone else's advice - lots of things.

I find those in the older brackets less inclined to follow advice that I'm SURE is good for them, but it does depend on the topic. Attitude is everything: a person open to listening - really listening - usually benefits from what I have to say. That may sound arrogant, but I haven't decided to try helping people just because I'm bored, having nothing else to do, or am a busy-body. I genuinely see the Lord's Hand on my life, the lessons He's taught me and is still teaching me, and the very poor state of relationships, of all types, around me. At the end of the day, if people want to just carry on their merry way an live in sub-par relationships, so be it.

I still have 3 "full time" counselees, who are now friends, that I help off and on each month - they are all female, between the ages of 28-32. I had a couple of regular young men around the same age I was helping back at the end of 2018 and into 2019, but they just suddenly disappeared without a word of thanks or goodbye, so I have no idea what happened to them. The 3 women I help have all grown over the 2-5 years I've been helping them, but none of them have really been prepared, yet, to address their base spiritual needs that are driving their poor relationship choices and the situations they keep getting themselves into. :rolleyes:

* What are your beliefs about divorce and remarriage? This is an extremely hot topic here. You'll find a wide range of beliefs on this forum -- some believe that the divorced are never allowed to remarry (and shouldn't be in the Singles forum at all); some believe that only virgins are eligible for marriage (which excludes anyone that has ever had sex); some believe those divorced may remarry under certain Biblical principles, etc.

That's a very good question, and very relevant. I've done a lot of reading about this - both extra-biblical works by renowned authors I respect, and the Bible itself. I've watched good teaching videos. I've listened to pastors I trust and believe are "onto it" preach about it. I can see clearly how one can come to either of the "main" conclusions - that is, that either one must stay single after divorce because the Lord does not "permit" remarriage, or that one can remarry after a divorce due to unfaithfulness / the other person up and leaving and shacking up with someone else (as there are one or two verses that strongly appear to support this).

What is my definitive position on this? Well, looking back over my own life, and seeing the damage that divorce has done to me, and the spiritual consequences that follow, I'm inclined towards the position that remarriage is only possible where one's spouse has forsaken the relationship and all avenues for reconciliation have been explored. Looking at the Lord's intent, He says very clearly "I hate divorce", and again "Moses only allowed it because of the hardness of your hearts". When I read those words, I hear the Lord's desire for marriage to be sacred and permanent. It's the joining together of two people at the soul / spirit level. It's a "serious" business that many really don't understand properly.

For myself, I think I've only really begun to understand marriage well in the last 10-15 years, most notably over the last 5-7 through various things, including my 2nd wife cheating on me, refusing all attempts at reconciliation, and leaving me for another man. As for virgins-only marrying - my thought there is that sex before marriage is fornication, which is forgivable as is any sin, so other than the mess of ungodly soul ties and such that one would have to deal with, I can't see any reason why a person who hadn't repented of fornication with one person be "allowed" to marry someone else.

At the end of the day, my primary interest now, that I'm older and wiser, is trying to understand the Lord's heart and intent on it all. The bible does warn quite seriously that in the last days "the love of many will grow cold" (and that has all kinds of meanings and implications, especially for relationships and selfish behaviours), and since we are provably in the last days, that has a lot of bearing on people / relationships.
 
Sep 25, 2020
25
14
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#56
Hi Peter,

Thanks for taking the time to give your answers to my questions... I'm mostly asking because I'm interested in learning about your beliefs and stances, etc.

So here's the second round. :)
Part 2:

* In your original post, you said that you had chosen to pull the plug on a dead marriage, and you have my sympathies for what you went through. When do you personally define a marriage as being "dead," and when do you believe it's Biblically allowed to divorce? (Some on the forum do not believe the divorce is ever allowed, even in cases of abuse -- just to give you and idea of the gamut of beliefs you will run into here.)

Good question again, and as much as it pains me to answer it, as I made serious blunders there, I will do so. The story is more involved than me "simply" bringing a marriage to an end. It needs context. So, strap in!

I met my first wife at church. I wasn't specifically "looking", but we got along quite well, and after a short period of time (a length of time that me of today would consider WAY too short and ill-advised, ha ha), we became an "item". We were an "OK" match, but in my early 20's I lacked much of the wisdom and understanding about relationships I now have. Sigh - oh for hindsight to be foresight! Looking back, I think I was still above average in relationship matters even at that age compared to my peers, but, yeah, almost from the start there were warning signs. For my part of the "problem", I had serious rejection issues (which I'm still trying to get a handle on almost 30 years later :mad:...) and other feelings of being unloved and unwanted, plus I had a desperation thing going on in terms of thinking no one would ever want me as a husband. As a result, I allowed myself to be blinded to my first wife's major issues that were clearly going to be a problem in the medium to long term.

Anyway, we ploughed on through things for 18 months, got engaged, went through some very good premarital counseling - which is when the alarm bells really started ringing. I could see clearly I was in for a rough ride, and that, ideally, I should back out of things right there. Even the counselor intimated as much. But, I'd started paying for her wedding ring by the time the counseling was done (even though the wedding was a few months out by then), we'd paid for most of the wedding itself in advance, the deposit was down on a house - I felt carried along on a river I felt powerless to escape. Of course, I could've escaped any time I wanted, but the young version of me lacked the courage and perspective to know that. We had "fooled around" sexually while we were engaged - stupid, I know, and very regrettable - but weren't living together.

Anyway, come the wedding night, we sat on the end of the bed in the motel (a good metre apart, no less), preparing mentally to fly out to the honeymoon the next day, and looked at each other without a word: we knew we'd made a big mistake. There was a palpable "We just did something really foolish" in the air. No sex that night: two strangers sharing the same bed. Which set the tone for the entire honeymoon. She was grumpy, cold and distant the whole time, and even flirted with some bronzed boat-hand on the ship we took out to the Great Barrier Reef with 30 or 40 other people. It was a horrid honeymoon. There were no 'nasty' things said, but it was cold and perfunctory, and she was often very 'short' with me.

That pretty much was the way things stayed for the next 2 years - I can count on one hand the number of times we were sexually intimate - she'd became frigid. I'd never experienced anything like it. My Christian walk took a major nose-dive, I fell into severe depression - it was a living nightmare. On top of it all I changed jobs to one that was massively more stressful, she barely lifted a finger around the house, our house, that needed lots of work done on it, preferring instead to watch TV most of the time. What little commonality we'd originally had was largely gone within a year.

I began going to counseling, as I knew I was at least partly to blame, and I was desperate to make things work. I don't do well when I feel unloved, doubly so when I feel rejected. She refused to go to the counseling for quite a while, only grudgingly coming along towards the middle of the 3rd year of our marriage. She was super defensive the whole time and would accept no responsibility for her behaviour or attitudes. We were both a right mess, and had no business being in any kind of relationship, either with each other or anyone else. I paint a grim picture - and it was grim - but there were still moments of fun and levity. So much so that no one outside our relationship knew just how bad things were.

The area we lived in was infested with people who insisted on blasting their music at all hours of the day and night, and I don't cope well with that kind of selfish, boorish behaviour, and my brain locks onto bass-beats that I can't not-hear. So, I put the house up for sale at the start of the 3rd year. Come July of that 3rd year, I was ready to call life quits. No hope was visible, work was hectic, I felt I had no one to talk to, and my relationship with the Lord was non-existent. Out of the blue, my first serious GF turned up in my life after not having spoken to me for almost 4 years, wanting to put things to rest in her mind between us so she could move on. Like a drowning man going under for the last time, I foolishly grasped at that opportunity. I'd already been planning to end things with my "wife", but lacked the courage and strength to do what I ought.

Now that an old flame had resurfaced, even though she wasn't trying in any way, shape or form to get me back (quite the opposite), I used that as the motivation I needed to pull the plug on things. It was an awful thing to do, sitting my wife down no the couch and telling her we were through. She knew I had bad news for her, she later told me, as all the colour had drained from my face and I looked as white as a ghost. All true. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Despite not having any connection with the Lord at the time, I still had some basic Christian thought and principles in place - at that time, I believed there was no grounds for divorce except for unfaithfulness or persistent abuse, so it was a huge step for me to take. Miraculously, once I had told my "wife" of my intention to end us, life started to turn around. Within days, the house sold after no one showing any interest for 6 months. I suddenly became aware of my sinfulness for the first time in my life and had what I consider to be my actual conversion experience.

I'd promised to marry my ex-GF when we were together, and in fact we had considered ourselves to be married while we were together even though we had no legal piece of paper (that's a whole other story), so I saw the whole situation as providential "evidence" I'd been with the wrong woman all along, that the Lord hadn't honored my "marriage" because I was "technically" married to my ex-GF in His eyes. It was only after I told my "wife" that I was ending things that she really start to pull herself together and WANT to have counseling, being prepared to sort her own stuff. But, it was too little, too late.

I went on to marry my ex-GF a few years later, and believed for many years that I'd never actually been married to my first wife - until my 2nd wife, the ex-GF who had actually began nagging me to legally marry her despite reservations I ended up having about her, cheated on me and left me. Leaving me realizing I'd just squandered 25 years of my life on two women who didn't deserve my herculean efforts, and that it had all been a massive series of lies and deceptions Satan had used to rob me blind: of money, time, health, spiritual blessings, honour, reputation - all of it.

I realize that's a VERY long answer to your question, but without that context, my answer would be meaningless. So when did I fully realize the marriage to my first wife was 100% dead? I'm not sure there was a definitive moment - it started from the wedding night and just went downhill from there. I suppose my decision to sell the house grew out of a 'knowledge' that things were never going to work - the nasty neighbourhood was also a big motivator, though.

When you have you counseled other couples, at what point do you (if ever) advise them to follow suit and pull the plugs on their own "dead" marriages? Do you ever consult with a pastor/spiritual leader when counseling others, to confirm your guidance? (I just ask because this was something I was taught in a past church.)

I've never counseled a couple to end a marriage. Mostly because I've had few married couple ask for advice. Most of the people I've helped have either been Christians thinking about marriage, or people in non-marriage "carnal" relationships, or backslidden Christians shacked up with someone but not married to them. A good percentage of those I've counseled have already left a relationship and are grappling with the fall out - probably 50-60% of people fall into that category. Having not been faced with a couple who's marriage - Christian or otherwise - is on the rocks, I haven't been in a position of even considering what advice I would give. Were I to come across a counseling situation where I knew I was out of my depth (and despite the confidence I have in my advice-giving ability / knowledge, I'm not so arrogant to assume I know everything - I don't. But I do know a lot more than the average person I've met throughout life, that's been clearly obvious to me), I would most definitely refer a person on to someone more "qualified".
 
Sep 25, 2020
25
14
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#57
Hi Peter,

Thanks for taking the time to give your answers to my questions... I'm mostly asking because I'm interested in learning about your beliefs and stances, etc.

So here's the second round. :)
Part 3

I regularly get help with my own issues from the pastor at my own church (who has a specialized ministry dealing with inner healing and heart issues), which includes seeking his advice for others I might be helping. All that said, I weigh all advice I get against my own standards, the Bible and my prayer life before deciding what to keep, what to use, what to discard. I'm sure I still make mistakes, I'm sure I still have much to learn, I'm sure there are new perspectives and understandings the Lord has yet to give me. But I can't sit around waiting until I "arrive" to help people (that'll never happen, at least not in this life) - the Lord expects me to use the gift He's given me now, prayerfully, carefully, and to adjust and change how I give advice as I learn more. Other than the pastor at my current church, where I've been for 3 years, most of the pastors I've sought relationship advice from over the last 20 years have been below my level of knowledge and understanding, and have proved "unhelpful". That's not to say they aren't good pastors in other regards, but being good at relationships takes a certain kind of person - which I am, and they weren't. They taught me other stuff about the spirit life, but I learned pretty much nothing from them in terms of relationships (at least from the period of 2005 - 2017 ish).

While I believe pastors have a role and function in The Church, unlike some, I don't see them as having "Papal infallibility". They are supposed to be mentors and guides and teachers, and some other things, but the Lord is supposed to be our well-spring of connection and revelation, in concert with the Bible, and the Holy Spirit in our lives; at the end of the day I am responsible for what I say and do, and I won't always hang my hat on what a pastor says I should do if I firmly believe his/her advice is not right. I stand before the Lord on what I do, not him/her. I don't mean to down-play the role or position of pastors, but at the same time I'm not a "pastor groupie" like some I've seen in churches over the decades. Whether that's good or bad, only the Lord knows for sure, ha ha. ;):p

And, what are your beliefs on the Biblical statement that God sees remarriage as adultery? (Matthew 5:31:32.) Some believe that there are Biblical exceptions... What do you believe?

Yet another great question! I've noticed there are a number of seeming "contradictions" throughout the scriptures. I won't get into those, but there are some classics. However, those contradictions are always resolved when looking at the Bible as a whole, rather than finding "cherry-picked" answers or rebuttals to some position or another. I often think of Dr Chuck Missler's quip about the Calvinist / Armenian debate - "They're both right in what they assert and wrong in what they deny". :D:D I think the answer to your question partly boils down to whether the "questionable" verse portion, about marriage being allowed after infidelity, is actually canon, or not. I think also of Paul talking about husbands / wives who become saved after they are married, but their spouse chooses not to. Paul says of that in 1 Cor 7:15 (AMP) "But if the unbelieving partner [actually] leaves, let him do so; in such [cases the remaining] brother or sister is not morally bound. But God has called us to peace." So in that case, we can see God's grace at work, not compelling a believer to have to stay "bound" (I've always read that to include "married") to an unbeliever. This being the case, we already see an "exception" to the verses in Matthew, which coincidentally contain the "caveat clause" I allude to earlier, "except on the grounds of unfaithfulness (sexual immorality)".

One thing I've learned over the last 5 decades is that God is all about relationships. With Him. With each other. His heart is towards excellence, purity, uprightness, love, togetherness. He's never "for" any kind of discord or death, and divorce is clearly a kind of "death". I need to do more prayer on study on this, as it's something that still bugs me. On the one hand, God says He hates divorce and His plan is for couples to stay together - always. Not as a curse, but as a way of honouring something God-ordained (Gen 2:24), "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Marriage is supposed to be the "creation" of a new person, two people becoming one. The Lord knows the awful tearing, shredding and death that comes with divorce (and regrettably, so do I). On the other hand, He's not a God to test us beyond our limits and to keep us in a place of cursing, so the thought there is why would He be "happy" with a person staying in a violent, nasty, destructive relationship with a person who refuses to change? We can argue the toss that it's "OK" for a person to leave an abusive relationship, but perhaps the greater blessing comes to those who then remain unmarried? That's something worth discussing, and something that is gaining "appeal" to me in the last couple of years as I take stock of my "train wreck" love life, ha ha. I've already decided that if things go pear-shaped with my fiancee, I will remain single until the Lord calls me home.

One of the things we talk about a lot here is the fact that marriage is a lifetime commitment, and how far God calls us to honor that commitment when we make it, even amidst a myriad of reasons that the world would tells us to leave behind in order to seek happiness with someone else

I totally agree with you on that one my friend. We humans have got far too comfortable making excuses for our behaviour, looking for the easy way. Pandering to our appetites. Not really seeking the Lord in fullness of trust and conviction. I say "we" and very much include "me" in that, because I can see all those things very much at work in my life over the last 50-odd years. One thing that really interests me is the idea of being engaged to someone. It used to be a very serious thing. In fact, many cultures, especially the Jewish one, view engagement as "marriage". I take that view. So when I look at my fiancee, I see my wife. Not my GF. Not "only" my fiancee who I can ditch because I've "changed my mind", but my wife. For a time, she also took the same view, but at the start of this year Satan got into her thinking and now she's doubting things. So, yeah, this whole topic of marriage, engagement, relationships, commitment, and where the Lord is in it all is VERY relevant and important to me.

I want to thank you, seoulsearch, for being respectful and engaging me in true, useful conversation and dialogue. I miss being able to have deep conversations with people where I'm not being cut down and run into the ground. The toxic nature of our "always online" world in 2020, and the readiness with which the "twitter generation" just let it all hang out, makes having really good, meaningful conversation difficult at best, impossible at worst. Thank you for valuing me and honouring a brother in the Lord who is keen to do his best to make the world, and himself, a better place.

Bless you, seoulsearch, in Jesus' Name.

Now that I've spent 3 hours on this reply, I best have breakfast before it's lunchtime!
 
Sep 25, 2020
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#58
So, Cephas_rock, about the derision you have been getting in this thread...

This is a drama we have seen many, many times. We recognize it from the first lines and we can tell how it will most likely end.

ACT I
A Self Appointed Guru (SAG) sweeps into the forum and sets himself up as a source of advice. (SAG is closely related to SAP, the Self Appointed Prophet. Second cousin I believe.) The more brazen SAGs will start a thread to broadcast their offer of free advice. The more subtle SAGs will wait until somebody has a question, then swoop in with their advice... though the subtle approach is more time consuming, requiring reading many, many threads. SAGs can be recognized by two inevitable calling cards: First, they always give a long list of their credentials and proof that their advice is valid every time they make a post; second, they give advice that is generic and can be applied to just about anybody, but is often not applicable to the situation they are trying to address and the person they are trying to advise.

ACT II
People start noticing the endless spiel of credentials the SAG goes through and the hit-or-miss advice and begin questioning whether the SAG is really the G (guru) he claims to be. This irritates the SAG because he does not like being questioned and even more strongly dislikes being told he is wrong. The SAG begins debating with people, trying to prove his advice is correct and universally applicable. Usually these debates become tangential at best, and completely off-topic at worst.

ACT III
The SAGs presence on the forum degenerates into a never-ending string of arguments that he insists on believing he is winning, while everybody else is just shaking their heads in disbelief at the multiple train wrecks the SAG is driving all at once. The SAG finally has enough and quits the forum entirely, after one last, long, quite vituperative tirade in each of the argument threads.

ACT IV?
Occasionally the SAG will return under another nick and try again. It never works because people instantly recognize the style of his posts and call him out as "that guy who used to go by (the former nick.)"


So Cephas_rock, you see why we are skeptical. Once again a person joins the forum and starts offering advice to people who don't really need it. Once again he puts a long paragraph in each post about his qualifications for giving advice here. Once again his advice seems rather hit-and-miss. (I should be more bold and forthright? Really? If I were any more bold I'd be a lion tamer.) :p

Can you really blame us for thinking you're yet another SAG?
Thanks for your, uh, thoughts Lynx. You are tactless and blunt, but at least you're honest. Perhaps you and the Apostle Paul will get on well together when you meet up in the next life? :p

I've read through your post, and the take away I got from that is this: you and others here consider this whole forum to be your personal playground, and you are the gatekeepers. You're not. This is a public forum. Unless you personally have a financial stake in Christianchat.com, you have no business telling me or anyone else what they can or cannot post.

Coming at things like a bull in a China shop as you and others here seem quite happy to do - very unChristian behaviour, I might add - you overlook the fact that it could be the Lord Who sent me here to help people. Ever think of that? I've got WAY better things to be doing with my time than getting into mudslinging matches. You don't like the fact that a genuine, brother in Christ has "muscled his way in on your patch"? Fine, I can't change that, and yes, I find it offensive as I came here with genuine intent. What's in it for me? Glory? Fame? Money? No. Connection. That's it. The chance to bless other brothers and sisters with advice and wisdom and insight the Lord has given me, as He gives to everyone, to help people avoid mistakes I"VE made.

I've got an idea: why not just leave this particular thread and go play somewhere else, Lynx, if you're so butt-hurt about me having a tiny little piece of the "action". This thread is now all muddied up and largely ruined, thanks very much, possibly denying genuine, humble seekers of advice and truth the chance at insight and knowledge. You aren't the gatekeeper. And if you are a self-appointed gatekeeper (a SAG... :p;)), you're doing a lousy job - lousy.

Anyway, that's my piece said. I won't be "casting my pearls before swine" on this thread any more, but I will reply to those who actually want to engage in useful, helpful, mature, adult conversation. Believe it or not, I have a very busy life here with important things to attend to. Please don't waste my time being combative and furthering Satan's agenda.

Other than that, I bless you in Jesus' Name and forgive you for your bad attitude and pridefulness, as we are called to bear with those still growing and maturing.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,729
1,921
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#59
So, Cephas_rock... this has been a rocky thread so far. First derision from all sides, then an acrimonious thread derail. Somebody should probably explain what has happened to your nice thread.

First, the derail. As you may have already gathered, the trouble started on a different thread. 1ofthem made a speech-to-text or autocorrect typo, then he corrected it, but not before suzzyQ saw it. She tried to call him out on it as being intentional. The bickering totally ruined a thread about grief over a lost family member. Then they migrated here and continued back and forth.

1ofthem, for the record I can understand why you would relocate. Good call, I think.

Derision in the next post:
@Cephas_rock I am sorry for derailing your thread. I am going to try to read it later and maybe make some legitimate posts.

Lynx, I'm a she not a he, but once again that is irrelevant here...lol

Really though, I shouldn't have brought this on this thread. It started in another thread about a father losing his son and asking for prayer. She called the father who had just lost his son out for making a typo. She said he made a typo, but there is not even a typo there...so IDK...but it was really nasty.

She was on there talking about discernment, and then I saw her on here talking about people not having discernment and being rude to the OP and others here too. So that's where it all came from.

Once again, sorry to all you guys and for derailing the thread. That was wrong of me. Big apology to @Cephas_rock. :oops::oops::oops:
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,725
9,656
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#60
I've read through your post, and the take away I got from that is this: you and others here consider this whole forum to be your personal playground, and you are the gatekeepers. You're not. This is a public forum. Unless you personally have a financial stake in Christianchat.com, you have no business telling me or anyone else what they can or cannot post.
No no no, I'm not telling you to go away. I'm just explaining the lack of enthusiasm you have seen regarding your generous offer of advice, and telling you what you can expect and why you can expect it. You are free to stay as long as you want, and post anything you want (as long as it is not cussing or anti-Christian.)

Anyone else reading this who finds me boring or uninteresting - move along, nothing to see here, don't waste your breath dumping on me. This is an adult's conversation, designed for those who don't have "goldfish attention deficit" :D;):p
This is a VERY good example of what I mentioned in my previous post. It does accelerate the timetable a bit though, and I will have to revise my estimate for when Act III will begin.