My wife

So I've been married for just barely 3 years now. My wife in the beginning was on fire for God but has changed. She doesn't agree with most of the Bible, thinks abortions are a women's choice and tries to convince me that it's right I disagree, thinks that preaching the gospel is shoving it down peoples throat and so fourth. She completely stopped coming to church, but I still go. My wife had some sexual encounters in the past that were abusive so I'm told. In our first year of marriage the intimacy was pretty good until I decided to sneak one in without the use of a condom, got in some trouble because of that, but its been well over 2.5 years and I've never done any thing like that again and yet I feel she still has not forgiven me. Says she feels disconnected, even took one for the team by getting fixed. I use to make moves on her regularly but gave up because of the rejection. Its been 6 months since my wife and I been intement. She pulled me aside today and said its not you but because of my past I feel dirty and don't want to engage in intimacy. I asked if she wanted to go see a Christian counselor and she immediately said no because she feels that the counsilar we judge her according to the Bible based on God's plan for the husband and wife. Things are looking up for me, still actively at work, I'm more than half way completed my training at the volunteer fire department in my community, I'm helping more at church. I believe that marriage is for better or for worse. I told my wife I'm here and ill support her anyway she'll let me. Any advice would be appreciated as I don't know what to do at this point.

Hi LoveJoy.
I am so sorry for the pain that you both are in right now. Is she desiring any kind of counseling at all? Has she ever wanted to get counseling for her past abuse?

She is getting counseling and has been for some time, but she hasn't exactly told the counselor everything, according to what she's told me.

It sounds like she is very wounded and has difficulty trusting anyone including her counselor. Trust takes a very long time to build, especially with a past of abuse.
Something major is missing between being on fire for God and where she is right now. Was it a spiritual nose dive, or a more gradual thing?
Would you consider going to the Christian marriage counselor on your own? This is a difficult situation for yourself, and you may benefit from the counseling personally. Also, there could be valuable things that you would be able to bring back to her and share, or maybe you would receive counsel that would give you insight and wisdom. God will strengthen you as you go through this difficult season. She definitely needs a touch from the Lord and for Him to win her heart as only He can. That would be the greatest and most blessed miracle here.
Do you have Christian brothers who you can share your struggles with and receive support and prayer? Without the emotional and physical intimacy, you definitely could become an enemy target. Good thing to have brothers who have your back right now. Jesus loves you dearly and will pour into you everything you need. What a friend we have in Him.

Not an expert as I'm not married. It seems there are two separate issues....views about God/Christianity and lack of intimacy due to past abuse. On the lack of intimacy issue just be patient and keep in mind that it may take a long time for her to become intimate again. If you have a timeline that she has to be intimate by x amount of time, you might be disappointed. On her recent views about God, there is not much you can either except pray but you should continue to attend church etc. I know a few people at church their spouses do not attend on Sundays but do come to certain events; it is good to keep them connected even in a small way.

You married a woman with sexual abuse in her past, then broke her trust, sexually. It's no wonder she doesn't want sex with you any longer. People coming from abused pasts are very fragile, at least in some areas. And people with sexual abuse in their past often struggle with sex and intimacy.
Then, in an area she's very fragile you tried to ignore her boundaries and be dishonest and sneaky, thereby teaching her you cannot be trusted sexually.

And even some of the language you use in regards to your wife sounds iffy. You "make moves on her" sounds more like a college frat boy trying to get laid more than a loving husband. Or "sneak one in". Then you express zero regret, only that you "got in trouble". And even that comes across as if you think yourself innocent.
But seriously who breaks the trust of their wife by doing such a thing? That was a completely selfish act that disregarded her entirely.
If you find such behavior acceptable it's no wonder your marriage isn't working out. Marriage is about self sacrifice and when you disregard your own wife's opinions and feelings in an attempt to take advantage of her, after she's already been sexually abused, is anything but selfless. It's no wonder she doesn't trust you sexually anymore. You gave her every right.
Also she didn't "take one for the team" (eyeroll over more poorly chosen words). If i had to guess she did so to protect herself from someone that's tried to willfully disregard her wishes, in a dishonest and deceptive way, so that if you ever tried it again she can't get pregnant by someone, yet again, taking advantage of her sexually.

"So I'm told" seems to suggest you doubt what she's told you. You paint her as the sole problem and you the innocent victim of a woman that changed without warning, but there are elements about the way you talk that makes me doubt things are as clear cut as you make them sound.

So my advice to you is to stop focusing on what your wife is and isn't doing and look at yourself as you clearly have issues of your own that you don't seem to recognize.

"Be the best example you can be, and hope her emotional issues become less troublesome.
Let us be reminded, often we need to take a good inventory of ourselves, believe it...I learned
years ago to fix my own issues first, and then things came about for a better relationship...Thank God."
And, look to God...always."

At that point in time I did not know about her abusive past. I know what I did was wrong, but don't shove that in my face nor judge.

Has she had her hormones checked and there may be something like female equivalent to Viagra ..

Sorry for your pain and struggle. Your wife, was she a non-Christian, most of her life, then tried it and didn't like it, or a Christian most of her life and recently started to question the precepts? Do you both get along where intimacy isn't involved, like general compatibility? Sex is such a big issue because it hits us on all fronts. It is a biological instinct, like hunger that drives desire. It's a measure of sorts to our self worth. As well, it is emotional adhesive, connecting a man and wife in exclusivity. Also it's too often used as a manipulation tool, or a bargaining chip. Our culture has programmed us to glorify sex. It dangerously defines us. Becoming naked with someone, bares more than just your tan lines. We make ourselves vulnerable. When that trust is broken, it's like eating something that made you sick.

There are things that cause women to increase desire. Primarily, women are drawn to power, good genetic stock. Just as men gain desire for certain shapes, and looks. There is good scientific reason that the "Fifty Shades of Grey" books caused women of every age to become sexual. The character was the Ultimate Alpha, completely dominant. To gain companionship, women are naturally more sexual. Once they get married they again get sexual when maternal instincts heighten, and again around 40ish when their estrogen drops. Aside from those biological markers, desire is based on other things, like if it is extremely pleasurable, or it makes her feel more loved and accepted, or for some other gain. My advice; don't tie your value to something as unreliable as your wife's libido. Lower your expectations in the bedroom. Find things that make you happy and do them. There's more to life than sex. It's unfortunate I know.

I've been married for 42yrs. (showing my age, lol) I am definitely not qualified as a marriage counselor but your post tugged at my heart, I think the reason being it took me back on our earlier years of marriage (amazing but I can still remember back that far They were for us, difficult years, I was young in the Lord and my husband didn't have a solid footing in his faith.

Yet as the years progressed with of course a lot of trial and error between us Steve (husband) and I, God's grace, mercy and love prevailed as we "let go and let God" which provided a deeper walk with Him.

If I may make a suggestion, as often as you are able (daily if possible) read God's Word - pour out your heart to Him sharing all your inner-most thoughts, cares and concerns with Him. Even though God is well aware of them I believe it will continue to establish a stronger relationship and bring you into a deeper realm of peace.

This may take time, BUT DON'T GIVE UP. This is one thing I had to learn over a period of time. With God's leading I found specific verses of Scripture that gave me a great deal of hope, strength and peace. I will continue to keep you and your wife in my prayers.
God Bless,
Sherry

Thank you sherry!

what do you mean by this?

Ouch.
Well its hard to really know someone.
Most people are outwardly who they wish they where, not who they really are.

What can I say, without believing in the cleansing blood you feel dirty because you are dirty.
I can suggest the obvious, prayer.

I can suggest to do a word study in the bible with her on being clean.
Not looking to convince but listening to understand one another and understand God.
Do all the things you can do to build the intimacy of truly knowing one another completely, the good and the bad and the ugly and the dirty. Not everyone is capable of going there, fearful of being known but to the extent someone is that could help.

is she perusing sexual pleasure in a self centered way? Ask her, and if so ask her to stop and stop yourself if you are.
Make a deal with one another, either together or not at all
To the extent both are comfortable with a thing do that.
Little steps to build up trust and intimacy.

Was it just your actions that one time, if she cant forgive and let go of, that is on her.
Has she cheated on you, was she raped and is not saying anything? why the sudden change?
Is it more then her past?
Is there something she needs to confess to you and be forgiven of?

Either the person you knew was not who she really was or something happened or something she was hiding has finally overcome her.

The point is go discover your woman...
Find out every little detail she is willing to give you and understand her, then wash her clean with the water of the word, daily speak Gods word to her fears and hurts and filthiness.

It is the job of a husband, if she trust in you to do it then its on you to do it for her.
If she is not willing to submit to your authority to help her in this way, then the outcome is all on her.
All you can do is pray and do what God says.

My bet is that she's having an affair.

A woman with a strong Christian faith is miles apart from a woman with feminist tendencies. In this case there is a woman who is abandoning her Christianity (if she ever really was a Christian) in favor of feminism. Feminist women are predictable because they're all the same:
When they'e young they go to bed with lots of guys because they look good and they like the dopamine rush of being wanted.
When they get a little older, they all pride themselves on being strong, independent women.
They will probably get married as they find some sucker to provide for them even after they wasted their best years on their whorish ways.
She will inevitably despise this guy that marries her, and she'll immediately be on the lookout to level up.
It's amazing how almost all feminist women follow this basic pattern. It's like they're not even human anymore. It's pretty tough to keep them from jumping ship. But here's my best advice when dealing with a feminist wife/girlfriend.
1. Always show her that you are a high tier alpha man. Get in good shape, make good money, etc.
2. Let it be understood that if she leaves you, that you'll be just fine. You'll have plenty of women lined up in about a half a day.
3. Don't be a good boy around a feminist. You'll never get anywhere.
4. Do NOT get suckered into carrying her purse, buying her tampons, or anything remotely like that. These should always be seen as tests. If you start giving in and failing these tests, she's going to see you as low tier, and it'll make her want to jump ship immediately.

If you have the rare gem of a real Christian women, then you have truly been blessed by God. They're so much more interesting and nuanced. It's harder to give advice for dealing with them since every one of them is different. I do think that all women are susceptible to feminism, so the above advise is still applicable but you can dial it back about 80%. Here's what's worked well for me and my strong Christian wife for almost 30 years:
1. Keep her laughing. Don't let her get bored.
2. Keep her sexually satisfied.
3. Keep earning her respect.
(and FWIW I've never bought tampons for her.)

Not a native speaker so kind of skimped over it at first, but now I looked at it again, he talks about his wife as if people talk about an animal. People say for a cat or dog, that they got them fixed, when they get them spayed or neutered. That is not the expression used for a human. So she had her tubes tied, or something to that degree.

Not even human?
You had me at "high tiered alpha man."
I think we have a troll in our midst.

The problem is she does not want to do Bible studying or go to church. I always invite her, but is the same answer no. She does not like how the scripture talks about God's plan for men and women. Her problem is being submissive to her husband. She is a feminist not the high dollar one that spends her life savings on julery and makep. I have been wo during if she's having an affair. I've actually set up a ca.era inside the house to see if she brings another man in. I hope not. I'm wondering at this point if my wife is narcissistic. She seems to only care about herself. I do everything as gar as keeping the bills paid, cleaning and maintenance on the house. My parents and brother even stayed that she is selfish, but was not like this at all when we were dating. I know what the Bible says about divorce and is unacceptable unless one spouse is unfaithful. Like I said she had a strong desire for God, but that fire has completely disappeared.

something changed then, see if you can find out what?
What was her position on abortion when you meet?
Perhaps she has had one recently or someone she loves has had one.
That would make a major shift in ones view of God and the bible.
You can ask her why the change of heart.
Ask her why is she not the woman you married anymore?
If she starts talking, just listen and ask questions to know more and understand, don't judge, don't try to turn an intimate emotional moment into sex, just let her get it all out. Let her see she can trust you with the real woman, then perhaps you might have a foundation for moving forward in some positive directions.
Just be super careful and super patient with her and learn her heart.
Stop with the stereotypes, the prejudging.
So what if you pay the bills or take are of the house.
You can have those and still have no relationship at all.
Loving someone is about knowing them not doing for them.
The state can provide for orphans but it an not love them.
The works of the law is doing for God, the works of Faith is getting to know God.


Show her Grace, long-suffering Grace, don't be selfish, be sacrificially gracious.
Give it three or four years of you like that and see if you don't get some good fruit out of it.
As a husband you are to be a Christ to her.
If you are going to obey God that is your only real choice.
Even if she is nothing more then a narcissist feminist self-justification for divorce.
Eventually an unfruitful tree gets cut down but don't give up so quickly it takes years to grow and produce good fruit.
Perhaps after years of Grace and nothing, you will finally stop and she will come looking for it.