Hello, brothers and sisters! I am about to do something that I rarely ever do, and that is ask for prayer for myself. I am opening up on here about something that is very personal to me, and quite sensitive. I ask that everyone, if they choose to respond, is kind and gentle-hearted regarding my issue. I carry much guilt and shame over this situation, and I am truly inviting people to be supportive, lend advice, and just pray for me. So, please keep this in mind.
I have been in a relationship now for about a year and a half ~ Everything was good when it started, but things quickly began to fall apart. Emotional and mental abuse began to creep in and for a long time now, I have just pushed it aside, swept it under the rug, and have ignored it. From insults to name-calling, I have dealt with a lot of emotional damage and breakdown for a while now. I have lost friends and a lot of my life has changed because of the relationship. Many people question why I haven't just walked away, and the answer to this is: when someone beats you down so much emotionally, that your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect completely disappear, it makes it almost impossible to muster up the strength to walk away. Abuse is a whole other ball game that I don't think people truly get until/unless they experience it themselves.
I am not going to go into detail, but I am asking IMMENSELY, to all you prayer warriors our there, to please, please, pray for my wellbeing and
pray that God gives me the strength to walk away. During COVID-19, I have been at home, reflecting, praying... and God really has opened my eyes to just how awful my situation is. He has really shown me that I deserve more and I deserve better because I am a daughter of God who is ordained in His eyes and Spirit. Before this, I was in denial about the abuse and always made up excuses for my partner's behavior, but I feel differently now. I see that it isnt okay and I actually want to do something about it. For some reason, though, I am having SUCH a HARD time walking away from the relationship. The HARDEST time. I have always been a giver, not a taker... one who is constantly doing what I can to mend, fix, satisfy and fulfill my relationships. It is just who I am.
Please pray that God continues to keep my eyes open to the issues and that He works in me so that I can effectively walk away for good from the abuse. I know it is what needs to happen, but I just am finding it hard to get myself there...and I know I can only do it with God's strength. Leaving is going to be incredibly hard for me ~ it is going to be lonely and sad and I am going to have a lot of healing to do for myself. But, I always stick to what my favorite passage says ~ that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
I appreciate you... if you have made it to the end of this post and were willing enough to hear me out in the midst of my sorrow. Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless!
P.S. If anyone feels they have expertise or personal advice to give or would like to hear more details of my story, I can provide my email or vice versa and we can chat privately.