Is There a Way to Stop Seeing Singles as "The Enemy"? (Part 1.)

Why do married people bother wearing wedding rings when they could be handcuffed to each other? Then they cant get away.

Dont people know that most people see marriage as a ball and chain. If you dont want to be tied down, then dont marry. I think maybe some married people are just envying a single persons freedom.

Happily married people don’t envy singles.

Christian singles have significant challenges others lack. The absence of companionship, limited suitors, and restrictions on divorced believers creates a different environment.

There’s a greater emphasis on singleness in Christian circles than I encountered when addressing relationships with other groups. The difference being; the belief by some they’ll never have a partner versus the thought it hasn’t happened yet.

Christians were more likely to articulate the probability of being alone, needing to accept their fate, and acknowledging a lack of relational experience far more than others.

If the grass was greener on this side you wouldn’t have so many trying to join the married camp. No one in a happy relationship wants to trade. That’s a fallacy.

One ring to rule them all,
one ring to find them,
One ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them

And they shouldn´t. After my divorce I can tell you it is in no way enjoyable to be single again. But I also think that some christian let great people fall through the cracks by riasing the bar so high that it is sheer impossible to be that person so, I do not accept being alone but I will also not let someone tell me, that I am not good enough because they narrowly interprete whatever creed they follow or because they are looking for some lottery ticket that will never come their way

I'm not dangerous at all.

I hear that said a lot and it baffles me. Lowering the bar doesn’t equal satisfaction or contentment. It’s better for them to pursue what they seek than settle with someone and resent what he lacks. If she’s looking for broccoli and you’re asparagus move on to the next.

People like what they like. You need one who signs on. Not a crowd. That’s easier to find when you set aside the should’s and isms. Look for common denominators in the women you’re attracting versus the ones you want.

Great is subjective. We’re not dating ourselves. It’s important to understand how the opposite sex views our qualities and shortcomings. People overlook the latter when they’re getting what they want elsewhere.

In the land of matrimony where the shadows lie.

easy for you to say. Lowering the bar does not mean to decrease quality. If anything, it means getting off the high horse and let the superficiality pass. the majority of reasons are either looks, money or some other BS that nobody could even fathom how to pass because christian dating is game were outsiders and even people in it, dont know the rules but are disqualified anyway because they are not being explained to play it fairly. if anything it is akin by having to pick up every piece of oat someone dispersed into grass and having to get done before sunrise without being able to miss even one. that is what some women do. has nothing to do with standards. it is a fallacy.

Your verbiage is very pointed. What does a “high horse” have to do with dating? Is it your consensus that preferences are not appropriate? Do you accept everyone who crosses your path?

Do you extend the same to your sex? Meaning, is it wrong for a man to desire a woman who’s physically attractive with the requisite height and weight balance? Do you chide them on their bias or let it slide?

The women you’re describing have standards they’re unwilling to bend. Are you implying they’re wrong and should give others a chance?

Who would want to be someone’s charity project or sympathy date? That’s really demoralizing. Most people want to keep company with someone who desires their company. Worrying about the behaviors of those who fall outside that circle is pretty wasteful.

They’re not interested. No amount of complaining will change that. And anyone with a morsel of dignity wouldn’t take that course. They’d want to be valued for who they are. If that isn’t enough too bad. They’ll find someone who appreciates all of them. That’s the rational step.

well, since you see it that way. Let put this way then. Looks over character, money over substance and suave over kindness. That is basically how that high horse works. Besides, you so ardently defend that people should have shopping list where they objectify the living crap out of people, judging them already for what they are not ( rich, tall, handsome) before even seeing what they have. your disdain is pretty disheartening.

I know a lot of jackasses who let a lot good women fall through the cracks because they want to date a christian super babe. and so is the same for sisters wanting a christian super hunk. so before you go around telling me I am all wrong because it does not fit with your frame of reference or experience.
consider this : yes, I think they are wrong because they are superficial ( same for men) and yes we are all diamonds, but diamond only gains value when being cut and that can only be done by another diamond.

and I have to say, you must ( and that is an assumption on my part, to be fair) already look down on people if you call people who would not be worth a glance a charity project or a sympathy date. the latter one is even rather outright insulting. you keep yourself in your circle and miss out on good people. that is indeed wasteful.
if they are not interested then they should stop playing around, asking people to be friends ( why really let someone go in dignity if you can dangle that juicy bait in from of them ) and deport them straight to friendzone.
you talk dignity? well, I wonder how many you deported there and call them "friends" self respect does not mean to loiter with someone who laid his heart open to you and gets it kicked while you receive the "grace" to remain.

You know I get it, a christian woman wants in the ideal case have a handsome hunk, that earns enough to allow her to be a home maker or take care of the kids while he dutifully shows up every sunday with her in church, while he also gets to be fantastic elsewhere while she basks in status. Why waste your time with the subhumans that could not match that high horsed expectation because bottom line, that is what it is all about. exceptional "soulmates" because the average is not good enough for contentment.
everything else, according to you is a charity project or a sympathy date.

I dated and have been with all sorts of women, thin, thick, short, tall, with a pounds too many on some places, pretty, not so pretty considered by others and I was all the richer for the experience because they appreciated a sincere interest and appreciation for the consideration. It me was me that was wanting. I had myself not sorted out at that juncture and it would not have been my place to burden them with the things that ailed me at the time.

They were not pity dates or disrespected them to call it charity.
I didn´t even lower my standards, I saw them as human beings as sisters that need to be loved and appreciated without a caveat. There no checks to be made, no evaluation Just the treasure of their company and the experience of a lifetime to get close to someone.

If you call that lowering standards, I gladly will even go lower.

I get what you trying to say. I avoid talking to married men. It has do with not sending the wrong message to either the wife or the husband. It is a way of guarding my reputation.
It is difficult in the church as I went from being a married woman who was included in all aspects of church life to being suddenly in a group that is treated as suspect. I even had one elder's wife say to me, "Well you can't expect to be invited to dinner parties for 8 when that would leave an uneven number. You wouldn't have your own partner to talk to so then you might be chatting with the husbands and the wives have to protect their own homes. " I was stunned. How did I go from being a bible study host, group leader at the women's ministry mornings and friend to having suspect morals and a potential homewrecker.
My response? "I am shocked that anyone would think that of me. I wish these women would approach me and I could reassure them that I would want their black sock and sandal wearing husbands." Probably not my finest moment, and I was in tears.
It is not fun to be a single middle aged woman in a church full of married couples but I keep myself to my women friends. It is what it is.

This honestly reminds me of just bad relationships with trust issues, if people aren't mature enough to maintain relationships. I come from an Eastern European country and guess what my parents, their cousins, aunts, uncles did, they all hung out together as singles, couples, sometimes with each-other separately, and nobody cheated on anybody.

It seemed back then people could actually be friends with the opposite sex, but given the way the world is today I could understand people being freaked out about it, but at the end of they day it's all self confidence, trust issues, or maybe you chose the wrong spouse if you can't trust them to put up their own boundaries if things get out of line?

Imagine this behavior continued in heaven? We're technically all brothers and sisters including our spouses, it's like telling someone don't speak to your brother / sister of the opposite sex lol.

I think the 3rd wheel stuff happens often especially if you don't have a friendship things in common with both spouses christian or non christian, and it's just building maintaining relationships in general. It's like hanging out with a group of friends where some people don't have strong relationships or things in common, it gets weird and awkward haha.

@enginseer true all is vanity, myself included I just happen to be a highly visual person, I know my friends who call some girls "hot" or 10's where I think what are they smoking, but I have lowered my "standards" in the past in probably all relationships I've been in. I have limited experience with Christian dating (as I wasn't a Christian in high school, and a really long relationship), but I think I know exactly what you are speaking about.

I think mostly people who grew up "Christian" their whole life, have the beam in your own eye mentality, and let's face it with like a thousand denominations and "holier than thou" a lot of people will let good people fall by the wayside. Then eventually remain single forever, or are forced to choose based on vanity and make horrendous decisions, where they marry the superhunk that cheats all over them.

Listen man you can try reverse "friend zone", heard it works in both directions haha

Thats weird about the dinner parties obviously they never been to a real chinese banquet where theres heaps of food and we dont have elaborate table settings its just like a shared meal whoever is hungry you have a bowl and you just eat till you are full.

Ive invited married couples to my home for dinner and they didnt think I was splitting up their marriage? and married couples have invited me. so...? what kind of world do you live in???? its sounds really weird that people would think that way....???

I appreciate the interest in some of these older threads.

I wrote this thread about a year ago, and since the title says Part 1, there must also be a Part 2 floating around somewhere. Unfortunately, I don't have time to go back and look at all the old posts, but it might be helpful for me to explain the inspiration for this thread (and for 99% of my threads, when I think about it.)

People have often asked me where I get my ideas for threads, and it's almost always from either an article I've read, a news report I've seen on TV, or from conversations I've had with other people.

So what starts out as a bit of information turns into personal reflection: "How can I relate to this?" I know this often gets interpreted into something I'm going through personally, which then results in some people giving opinions over what I should or should not do, but that's not the point of original post. The whole point of most of these threads is to say, "Hey, I was thinking about this, and this is my experience with it. What's yours?"

From some of the last few posts, I feel a need a clarify that I do not make it a habit of hanging around married people except for family members, 2 close (female) friends, and fellow Christians at public church events.

When I was a young single, people often patted me on the head and told me I'd have no problem finding someone and that I'd had plenty of time. It's been interesting to see what happens over about 25 years. While people STILL pat me on the head and tell me I'm just a baby, I have seen some devastating changes in the lives of some of the married people I've known. Some of the married people who were trying to give me advice about how to be single (and how to get married) are now finding themselves trying to adjust to single lives themselves.

The inspiration for this particular thread (and its sequel) was seeing couples who have been married all their lives follow through on their promise, "'til death do us part," and once their spouse has been called home, the lifelong friends they'd had their entire married life (because of course, it's solid Christian advice for married people to have only married friends) have now turned their backs on them and shut them out of their group, because that person is no longer married, but "single", and (in the minds of those still married) might possibly try to steal someone else's spouse.

I always have an interest in the "reality" of the Christian walk. I hear all kinds of "good Christian advice" repeated over and over, but how do good Christian people who follow good Christian advice deal with the fallout that still comes from doing all the right things?

What happens when good people get married, do the right thing and are friends with other married people, then are immediately shunned by all their married friends after the death of their spouse, because marrieds are told not to have close ties to singles (lest it feed some kind of temptation)?

These are the kinds of questions I am trying to start discussions about in the threads I write.

Thanks very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences as well.

Yes, part 2 is probably in the same place that my reply to your email questions are..

ok, but that doesnt actually sound Christian to me, it just sounds like a subculture of exclusive upper middle class society that thinks that way.

I hang out with all sort of people some are divorced some have never been married some are married, some are widows in churches I go to there are all kinds of people with all sorts of backgrounds. I dont judge them on whatver status they have its just life circumstances.

why would you listen to peoples advice or 'good crhristisn advice' when you hadnt even asked for it? Why not just look in the Bible!!!

A lot of your threads are he says she says stuff with no scripture at all relating to it at all. Its evident that something missing here. How about praying and asking God Himself about all these issues.

you mention 'good people' well there is no such thing as 'good people' really, even Jesus said dont call me good only God is good. So you need to really focus on God here and not how 'good' people are.

This is exactly my point.

Christians are told (and you will see this advice given here in the Singles and Family forums) that when they get married, they should have friendships with other married couples and not have too close of associations with singles. It's practical advice, and I'm not arguing the wisdom behind it, but I don't know of any Scriptural doctrine that declares this (and if there is one, please post the reference, as I'd be interested in reading it myself.)

Part of what I'm trying to ask in my threads is how we as Christians apply Scriptural principles to situations that are not specifically mentioned in the Bible.


Lanolin, I have to be honest with you.

I really don't think you understand any of what I'm trying to say in almost every one of the threads I post. You always tell me I'm being too paranoid, too this, too that or that there's something else I should be doing. When I tried to make a humorous thread about an adult-themed coloring book, you came in and told those who posted that they must not have a life.

I understand that you have your own experiences and perspectives (and the point of these threads are to try to encourage people to share them,) and I understand that you are probably trying to be helpful by giving what you see as suggestions.

However, I always feel as if you are asking me to explain and defend absolutely everything I write down to the last word, which I don't have the time or energy to do, so I'll just have to conclude by saying, you and I are obviously going to see things differently at times, and I wish you the best.

I'm sure you will have further comments, questions, and suggestions in the future, so please don't think I'm ignoring you if I don't answer every concern. My style of writing includes a lot of sarcasm, and you take almost everything I say literally, when in fact, I am often trying to be satirical. I understand that you don't pick up on that -- everyone has their own sense of humor and apparently, mine isn't on your radar -- and that's ok. We all have our own style of communication, and it might not be for everyone.

I could be wrong in my assessment, but you seem to criticize what people say at every turn. However, in reading your posts, it seems that you've grown up around a lot of criticism and maybe that's just your own style of communication.

Feel free to continue to share your thoughts from your own point of view -- I apologize in advance that I just might not always be able to reply or explain things as thoroughly as you need.

I meant that as a joke of course. I do feel bad about not emailing you back yet..