The Virgin Porn Addict -- Why Do We Differentiate So Much Between Sins of the Heart and the Body?

So you're saying that looking at porn is the same as cheating?

If so, is wanting to murder someone the same as actually committing murder? Do you think God views actual murder just as bad as someone only thinking about murder?

Pretty sure my parents were both virgins. it was common in those days. then they 7 kids.
sorry that might irrelevant here.

God looks at the heart. I also am concerned with a man's heart aswell as the manner in which he lives his life outwardly. Obviously the physical act of murder has much more serious implications than the desire to do it, however, that desire could come to fruition eventually if it is in the heart.
The point is, this thread is about sexual sin, not murder. So what I am saying is that for me, the implications are that I could not be with a spouse who looks at porn; I would have to separate myself from them; ultimately if I was certain they had overcome the problem then there would be the potential for reconciliation; whereas if the spouse had actually committed the act then there would be no reconciliation only divorce. So yes the consequences are more far reaching if the act has been committed, however it is still spiritual adultery in the heart and it is still an action that would have serious physical consequences.
You cannot get a murdered person back and for me personally, the same applies to a marriage where there has been adultery. At least there is a chance for repentance before it gets as far as these acts being committed, but I guess Jesus is showing that there is a real danger of these things happening if they are in the heart. And for someone to look at another with lust in their heart means that they have already committed the act in their heart, which is why it would have the consequences I described. It's about truth isn't it.

Some may differentiated.. But the Bible doesn't and i don't.. Sin in thought is equal to sin in deed.. Jesus established this with his teaching::

Matthew 5: KJV
27 "¶ Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: {28} But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

In modern-speak: "If the only reason you're not doing it is because you're afraid you'll get caught, but you would do it if you could figure out a way to do it without getting caught, to God that's just as bad."

Just hating a brother is equivalent to murder..

1 John 3: KJV
15 "Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him."

Well if you meant someone with a porn addiction, then I totally understand. I thought you meant you couldn't be with someone who looked at porn even once.

I feel it's once it's adultery in the heart.
I would leave.

How many times do they look and lust before it's addiction?
Am I not enough that they need to list after someone else even once?
It is unfaithfulness in the heart- unfaithfulness to me and to God and it needs truly repenting of; trust would be damaged, my heart would be broken; it would take time and prayer before I could go back.

So if a man caught his wife looking at porn once and she begged for forgiveness, he has a biblical excuse to leave?

I asked a Christian counselor about this once... he confirmed, having counseled many women whose husbands had done both, that the feelings are the same.

Unfortunately, "begging for forgiveness" is not repentance, despite what a lot of Christians seem to think. Repentance is an acknowledgement of the wrongness of the action and a subsequent change in behaviour. Any sinner will beg for forgiveness when caught and threatened with unpleasant consequences. This goes for men and women.

Yes. I think as women we can probably logically and rationally understand they aren’t exactly the same thing, but the pain that results from both feels very similar if not the same.

Agreed assuming this is a course of action they would take.

For myself, watching porn is a dealbreaker. If we aren’t married, I would break up with the person so they can work on this with the Lord. If I was married to someone who was watching porn, at the very least, we would separate and seek counsel. It might result in reconciliation, but it might not.

I have broken up with people over this because eventually it always comes out. The Lord reveals what is hiding in the dark.

Satan loves to kill steal and destroy and I’m sure he uses porn to do that. I really don’t understand why a married person or couple would partake in that when God gave them each other. Love and focus on your spouse it’s so much more meaningful.

There is no justification for sin, period.

Viewing porn is one sin among many that damage a marriage. It is stereotypically a male problem (though is increasingly common among females), and it is in this context that I'm addressing it. My comments regarding males and females are generalities, and as such, there are always exceptions.

The sin that men commit, such as physical violence and viewing of porn, does damage to their wives, and I'm not arguing that. However, the sin that women commit, such as emotional adultery, manipulation, disrespect, and refusing sex, do damage to the same degree to their husbands. Such behaviour will tear holes in his confidence, identity, and self-worth, and will push him away from you. It is exactly the opposite of the edifying behaviour that would strengthen the marriage.

If you as a wife are watching soap operas, reading romance novels, and "going out with the girls", are you any better than the husband who looks at porn? Are you not looking for something in others that you don't find in your husband?

When we consider the sin of the other person as "worse" than our own, we basically justify or excuse our own; that is not repentance, and it certainly won't heal a damaged marriage. Better that we each look to Jesus, measure ourselves against His standard of righteousness, and seek His help to treat our spouse as He desires.

Hopefully my comment didn’t come across as I view myself as sinless and could do no wrong. I completely agree with what you said here. Women can do things that can make a man feel disrespected in the same way that can cause a lot of pain as well. Guys could have similar dealbreakers such as she puts me down and disrespects me in front of my friends, which can be just as damaging to a man.

I was just addressing porn because that was brought up.

As a virgin, it's a little disheartening to think that my future spouse has probably already had sex with someone else. Maybe even several others. That makes me so sad.

I was taught as a teen in youth group, that once you have sex with someone, you become one with that person. So it kinda annoys me that my future husband might have become one with someone else.

One of the scariest parts of sex for me is that he may compare me to previous lovers. With pornography, well what can he compare? Maybe that I don't look like the women in the videos...which is concerning too. But when the man or woman has already had sex, well there might be more comparison. I'm afraid he might think "So and so was better at this" or "So and so was more pleasing." LOL I feel gross just typing this here but I'm trying to make a point.

With pornography it's just a daydream. With sex, it's actually real and they did become one. That's part of their shared history together. There was touching, kissing, exchanging of fluids, holding, cuddling etc. It makes me so nauseous to even think about. lol But I do agree that pornography and pleasing one self is a sin and should be stopped. I believe they too cause many issues in a marriage.

I'm not saying I judge those who have had sex. I think my hang ups are more my own problem. I am very insecure and very anxious. And very jealous! lol

I have prayed to God about this and he basically told me that I am not waiting for my husband. I am waiting for Him, for Christ. I saved myself because that's what my Father in heaven wants from me. I didn't save my virginity for a man. And in a way, that made me feel much better. It made me realize that I was being prideful. I shouldn't expect something so difficult from my future spouse.

I wanted to add...
I would much rather marry a man that has been with many women and has his heart out for Jesus now, than a man who is a virgin and is addicted to porn.