Hi Bill,
I hope you do not mind, but is this anxiousness incident based, ie something happened to trigger it
or from the trauma of going from being a teenager to a man.
I ask because I know of many who break at the ages 16-25 which is probably the most testing any
of us go through. Some suggest this is a biological shift, ie your systems cope or they go into some
set position that might never shift. I know of and have read people who learn mitigating strategies,
ways of counteracting their biology, which helps some.
It is also interesting some believers think we are all the same and with the same challenges.
Clearly this is not true. Part of my therapy was my wife, and the love we share.
It also appears in some way we can be partly built vessels, who we work around.
I found my pain lifted, my heart became free, I saw the blessing of each day and the worries I commited
to the Lord. I wonder if the Lord will remake pathways in our brains so we can resolve some of these
issues. For me I know my pain is often linked to conceptual success or failure, so it is partly self defined.
Another part is founded on things I cannot control, and that I commit to Him.
I also know things like this move slowly, sometimes at a pace we can barely see, but it is unmistakable
over time. And that always gives me hope, because Jesus is always open to us acting in faith,
God bless
Something did happen to trigger it but I'm not sure it was the trigger.
My upbringing was shocking.
Will try to keep it short.
You probably are aware but others may not be.
My mum did want me.
Fell pregnant out of wedlock. Was on the abortion table. She never went through with it so was forced to marry.
She shamed a Muslim family, by getting pregnant.
I never knew my dad. Only a couple of memories.
One when broke into our flat and started beating my mother up.
He missed with one punch and smashed my face.
Came around to seeing him beaten to a pulp by the police.
Anyway for the 14 years she took it all out on me.
Beatings and names for those years.
Not once did she tell me she loved me. She even tried to pit me against my granny who did love me.
She got remarried and divorced again.
I had to look after my 2 brothers.
My step dad did not like me.
As a youngster my cousin who I stayed with sexually abused me twice.
When I was staying again over the weekend I asked him "Will you do that thing with your willy again.
My Uncle and Aunt just brushed over it.
I never stayed again.
My step dads wife had sex with me when I was 15.
She threw me out at 14 and I was fostered by a Christian family.
The next 5 years my foster dad sexually abused me.
When I told my foster mum about it, it turns out that he spent time in prison for previous.
He promised not to do it again.
I did not have the heart to tell her.
She is the one who led me to Christ.
I foolishly told my mum about it (I still had to visit once a week)
The days before the anxiety started and it was so severe. Couldn't eat or sleep.
Anyway CID turned up at my foster parents and asked to speak to me.
She begged me to say no, she knew what was coming.
So they asked and then was presented with the following dilemas.
If I said yes then,
I have to back to my mum. Not an option.
Therefore I have to go to a children's home.
He gets sent to prison and his wife a kid are on there own.
I said no because at the time it was the best of the worst.
At least I would still be fed and clothed.
Fast forward I go to college to study.
Ended up in a Baptist church.
Got engaged to a girl. After a while I came to realise that actually I did not love her and didn't want to get married (side note she cheated a couple of times on me before we got engaged, not having sex but secretly going out with another guy(s)
Now this is the day and occasion when knocked for 6, battered and broken.
SEVERE SEVERE ANXIETY.
Sat in church Sunday morning.
My thoughts were "O.K we will get married, have kids, get divorced but a least I get to see the kids at the weekend"
Once I finished that thought the severe anxiety started.
I could not even look at her.
I broke the engagement off that day.
We tried to make it work over the next few weeks but it became apparent she was dating another guy.
Now that severe anxiety was exactly the same as when I used to go and see my mum.
I ran away from God, ended up where I am now.
I could not get close to a girl, when it looked like a relationship was forming I would run a mile.
I met my wife when I went back to church. I broke it off because I just couldn't cope.
When we were to meet I would sweat, get really hot, curl up in a ball on my bed.
Praise God we celebrated 25 years of marriage last month.
Our courtship was not normal.
But one day and we did not know it at the time but revealed to us individually "This is your partner for life"
When we realised this we got back together.
She made me work for it though.
We got married within 6 months.
Just so you all know.
My mum and my relationship has been fully restored.
And every time we meet or talk she tells me she loves me and she means it.
So do I when I reciprocate.
I went through the process of forgiving my foster dad (and boy that's a story in its own right)
I was at his bedside before he died, praying over him and for him.
I sorted out his estate.
Why on earth I was ever allowed to get past social services to be fostered I do not no.
But I came to realise that God does not allow anything to happen to us without his consent.
In a sense I now rejoice in what happened because
Romans 8:28-30
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
I see he says that he works things together for good to those who love him.
It's a shame people stop at the verse and interpret is God making all things good.
He cannot make good of the evil things done.
Sexual abuse cannot be made good, but he can work good in it
IN ORDER
To conform us to the image of Jesus
Ephesians 2:8-10
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
To walk in the good works prepared for us.
I rejoice in that, walking in that with others and the fallout as a result. Addictions, sleep visitations, footholds and so on.
Sorry for the long post that I tried to keep short.
I hope it encourages some to know that there is hope and stability even with this.
Some I have walked with have been released from it.
I'm not jealous but just thank our saviour for it.
He knows best and how to work in us and through us.
Alas though I still suffer with the anxiety.
If that is my lot then I will rejoice in it and walk with it.
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