I feel lost, and I don’t know what to do.( it’s really really long, sorry)

Hey, (warning this is going to be a long one... so click away if you wish, just needed to get this of my heart, I cannot seem to tell anyone)

I’m really confused whether my father is a good man or not....
He seems so friendly and genuine, but does so many things that contradict those actions. He really seems to care about family but I don’t know

He can be really nice to me and other people, he is sometimes kind and he is a Christian, mostly attends Church on Sundays. But I don’t want to be around him at all or his family.

A quick summary of our history, he and my mother slept together young, and I was born when he was 21, he wasn’t very present in my life up and till 6, and my earliest memories of him are, partying and having many girlfriends. I was mostly raised by my mother( they never got married), and he is currently married to my stepmom, with his 2 kids.

There are some good times we have had, but I never seem to be able to recall them, I only remember the bad experiences and memories. He mostly leaves me when I need to study, but if not he forces me to spend time in the living room with everyone else, I am mostly ignored.

My father, he always tells me regarding my marks that what ever I get is my best and he’ll be proud, even if it is a fail, if it was my best effort he’ll be proud. But when the marks do come, he tells me that I could do better. He expects me to be the person he wants me to be, always look neat, because I am female, and if I dress a certain way I like he’ll tell me, that is not how a woman should dress. I used love wearing my hair down, but it is not “neat” so I always have to tie it, and now I hate my hair down. He never called me directly fat, but always mentions stuff how about it’s not healthy being fat, and how it’s not pretty being fat, no one likes fat people, and when I was younger when it would come to dinner, he’ll say grownups then round stomachs, I always dished last. We don’t talk much at all, and we don’t have the best relationship, he once blamed me for our bad relationship, and he once told me that other people’s happiness should always be put above my own. He communicates through me to speak to my mom, despite my moms efforts to try and talk to him. When my mom didn’t have a job, he refused to give her more money to be able to feed me, despite having the funds. The first time I told him what I want to study, he told me I’ll never be able to do it, because I’ll be terrible at it, and I’ll never get the marks for it. He still believes children should be seen and not heard, but tries to speak to me during dinner(sometimes). I don’t have full depression, but I do have slightly, he told me depression doesn’t exist because I have God in my life. He is abusive to our dogs, and it really hurts me, I try my best to try and stop it, but I don’t push it to far, afraid if the backlash. Last year, half way through I dropped drama, and accounting for science and biology, my marks weren’t the best, seeing as half the years work I missed. He told me he was severely disappointed and I’ll get nowhere in life with these marks, I believe he tried to manipulate me, by telling lies about my mom( which I have managed to disprove) during an emotional stage. I can’t cry, and keep my emotions bottled up, because he once told me( I was 8) that I’m grownup and I shouldn’t cry. I’m a introvert and struggle to talk to people I don’t know, he told me that I shouldn’t be so shy, and should talk more to people, so that I don’t come off as rude, even though I’m still friendly. I am a totally different person around my father, I’m the person he wants me to be. I try and not make him mad, because I’m afraid of what he’ll say to me.

My stepmother, she was always friendly and nice in the beginning, know she is cold and mean. When I great her, she greets me back rudely, I am always the one to great her first. She ignores me totally, and blames my mom for our bad relationship. When I have a visit with friends, and she and my father have plans, she’ll come shout at me in my room, pretending to look for clothes( I sleep in the guest bedroom, I have 1 shelf for all my things). She finds it an inconvenience to fetch me from school, because she is “busy”. She prefers her kids above me, and when they blame me for braking something, she gets angry at me. I quit violin, because she found the sound terrible, resulting me no longer to be able to practice. I can’t practice piano, because it bothers her and she always has a headache, she usually turns her music really loud, when I start to practice. I once dound some free time to help with dinner, I cut up all the veggies for her, and she didn’t thank me, just said I would of done it myself, and you did it wrong. When I decide to wear a dress, she gives me this horrible look, and all my confidence disappears. She is also a Christian. She talks about me behind my back, and is only friendly around company. When I was younger and I really didn’t want to be around my father anymore, she told me he cries himself to sleep because of me( and he told me he doesn’t, currently she’s denying ever saying that)

My Mother, she is really big Believer, she’s kind, sweet, unselfish. She is the best mom I could have. But....
You know when you are in those moods? You’re irritated with everyone and everything. I don’t know why I sometimes feel that way, but she usually tells me to stop acting like a b*tch. It hurts me, when I told her this she just said it happens to her to, and people call her a b*tch and she isn’t hurt by it. When I’ve had a bad day at school and someone called me names and I tell her, she just says I shouldn’t let words hurt me. I understand that, but it still hurts. I was molested when I was younger, when I told her she just gasped and said that’s terrible, and we never spoke about it again, and I don’t have the courage to tell her again.

I don't want my father and his family in my life, I just want to get away from him. I’m seeing my father soon again, after not seeing him in a long time( finally got the courage to tell him, I don’t want to spend so much time at his house, that is after he told me he won’t be mad, but being mad when I told him). So in conclusion...... am I a bad person for not wanting to be around him?

No, you are not a bad person at all and you have valid reasons for not wanting to be around him. Pray also for God to soften his heart. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

God commands us to honor our father and mother. It's one of His chief commandments. So, try to understand what "honor" means and how it might apply to you and your circumstance. The first thing is that parental relationships are always complicated. There's a ton of baggage and turmoil mixed with love and long term relations. That always makes for a volatile elixir.

Honor means you hold someone in distinction and in tribute, fame, and renown. He has a place of importance in your life. In reading your post, I think you've fulfilled these tributes. Your dad is important to you and holds a place in your heart. He shows concern for you even though you might understand it differently. He makes mistakes and acts dishonorably, and this is where it gets difficult and why God instructs us to HONOR our father and mother.

You have to understand that God knew this commandment would be hard. That it would be almost impossible in some cases. But the act of honor (used as a verb) means to keep an agreement. By honoring God's commandment, you agree to keep God's commandment and by doing so, the miracle of change is a seed you bury in your dad's heart. See, if you treat your dad with honor and respect, he will slowly try to live up to your honor and respect. This is the miracle of God's change.

Remember that you are not in the heart changing business. That belongs to God. But you are in the business of following God's word.

No you're not bad. In fact I don't blame you. Your father sounds like a selfish, insensitive jerk. And it sounds quite likely he's the reason your stepmother changed how she acts towards you as well.
It's sad when parents are so insensitive towards their kids and it sounds like both of your parents are insensitive. Just don't let those negative traits rub off on you. Be the better person and don't become like them.
It's good to note that when people have a lot of negative behaviors and actions and also a lot of good the negatives often mean more and you should see those as red flags.
Naturally we can all have a bad day here and there, but if a person is like that frequently then no matter how good they are the rest of the time, the bad will outweigh it.
And don't let the crap they spew at you affect you. Based off of what you've posted in here you are a perfectly normal teen. You seem intelligent and sensitive (sensitive in a good way). And making mistakes or bad judgment calls doesn't make you any less of a person. So don't let those criticisms get you down. I definately made some mistakes as a student as well. It's ok to mess up. Just try to learn from it.
And you spoke up and said you wanted to spend less time at your dads, even though you were afraid. That was a brave thing to do. It can be scary for many of us to go against our parents, sometimes even as adults. You clearly are a stronger person than you realize.
Hopefully you'll find a way to handle all this stuff until you can get out. And be able to see more of the positives about yourself as well.

Thanks for taking the time of reading and replying, I’ll definitely take the advice into consideration, and it really made my day. I’ll pray, and try to honor my father. I’m glad I found somewhere I can give my thoughts, and receive non-biased advice. Thanks a bunch

Hi NoName! Can I call you Charlotte? I love that name and don't get to use it often enough.

All kidding aside, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Your dad is being (at best) very insensitive towards your feelings. He told you not to cry? Jesus cried. It's in the Bible, Jesus wept. There's nothing wrong with crying. I believe God made humans to cry as a healthy emotional release.

It's a lot better to let things out, than keep them bottled up. But there are other ways to do that besides crying, the number one way being prayer.

Your dad sounds like he makes you feel like he doesn't care how you feel or what you want, but if you've accepted Jesus, you have another Father who loves you and cares for you more than I could possibly put into words. God wants you to tell Him how you're feeling, and I mean all of it! Every happy, sad, angry, thankful, frustrated feeling, you can tell Him about it. It's one way of giving God your burdens, and when you give Him your burdens, He will carry them for you.

I know you're preoccupied by trying to be the person that your dad wants you to be, but ask Jesus to turn you into the person He wants you to be. I promise, that person is smart and kind, just like the young lady that I can see shining brightly in the posts you typed. But Jesus wants to give you more peace and joy, and He doesn't want you to hate your hair or feel depressed. It will help to ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit, and to guide you along the path that He wants you to take.

It sounds like you're turning a lot of your dad's and stepmother's comments into opportunities to be down on yourself or hate yourself, which is understandable, but it's also not a good thing. There's nothing in the world wrong with your hair. God made it and gave it to you on purpose, and of course I don't know what it looks like, but I know that it's beautiful. I'm absolutely positive of that.

Your dad has his own problems and issues, and he definitely makes plenty of mistakes. You do need to love him, and forgive him, and honor him. But honoring him doesn't mean becoming what he wants you to be in every way. For example, the crying thing. Is crying wrong just because your dad said it was? Do you believe your dad, and consider it sinful? Or do you see in the bible where Jesus Himself wept when he lost His friend, even though He would see him again? Do you believe that it's not okay to have your hair down, because that's what your dad said? Or do you see in the Bible where it says that a woman's long hair is a glory to her, and believe that instead?

I know that all of this is much easier said than done, especially if you might get punished for crying and other things like that. But if your dad told you to stop breathing, would you do it? Should you do it? Is it fair? No, no, no. Of course not.

As difficult as this season must be for you, please lean into Jesus and ask Him to help you handle it all the way HE wants you to. I promise that He can use all of this for good, and He loves you very much.

Feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk. God is for you, not against you! Don't push Him away.

😂 yes, you may call me Charlotte.
Thanks, I’ll definitely try and tell God all about my day, more often, not just thanking him. I’m really grateful for this community, and all the advice I’ve been receiving

Trust me, I understand where you're coming from here. The best we can do is pray for those around is and pray for the strength and patience to deal with them. I'm trapped in a home of unsaved people and the clashing of beliefs, attitudes and behaviours is extremely volatile. What gets me through, however, is the power of prayer and the strength God gives me. I'd recommend praying for something similar, because there is power in prayer!