How Many of You Have Gone Through "The Single Ladies Christian Book Phase"?

Hey Everyone,

I was talking with some friends today about the books singles often read regarding Christian dating (such as the infamous "I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which I have never read.) This book seems to be mentioned so often that I have purposely chosen not to read it (but hey, I might change my mind... someday.) I'm just someone who tends to run in the opposite direction when everyone says, "You need to read/see/do this!", because I usually find material like this to be a bit of a passing fad.

I think there comes a time in every Christian single's life when they are lovingly bombarded with a well-meaning list of Christian books regarding dating/romance/finding a purpose that would easily rival the Library of Congress.

And so, whether it be out of hope, obligation, or desperation, many of us finally give in - with, I'm guessing, mixed to sometimes downright frustrating results.

For instance, we talked about the absolutely insane "advice" some of these books give, such as, "Marriage will be A LOT easier if you marry the right person." Because of course, it takes at least 3 PhD's in chemistry, biology, and rocket science in order to figure that one out . Surely, NONE of us singles would EVER have enough brains to be able to see that on our own.

As we were discussing various titles we had either chosen to read or had been nearly forcibly subjected to, one woman summed it up perfectly, "Oh, I've been through that 'Single Ladies Christian Book Phase,' too."

It's the time in nearly every single Christian's life where they eagerly scoop up any Christian dating/romance/marriage/family book they can get their hands on, all hoping to meet their "right one" before they even finish page 2 (which happens to be the Introduction.)

And when you find that reading all that good Christian advice (which starts repeat itself around page 7) STILL hasn't landed you the Godly Person of Your Dreams, you pick up yet another title, only to find it's like a Never-Ending Christian Infomercial that carries you around the dating merry (marry)-o-round... all. over. again.

And so, you find yourself with nothing else to hold on to... except, of course, the next Recommended Reading title at the end of the book you just finished.

Have you gone through "The Single's Christian Book" phase, too? How did it go, or how has it been going, for you?

PLEASE NOTE, I AM BY NO MEANS TRYING TO CUT DOWN OR CRITICIZE THESE BOOKS OR ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO READ THEM. Maybe you can recommend some titles or aspects of these books that have truly been inspiring to you, which I'm sure would help the rest of us as well.

But as someone who's been part of the singles scene for a few years, I have to wonder if I'm the only one who gets more than a little frustrated by the same (and frankly, not very helpful) "Christian" material that is constantly being repeated, repackaged, and re-preached into yet another "bestseller" that we are told to add to our ever growing "must-read" list.

How about the rest of you?

* What books about love, romance, dating, marriage, etc. from a Christian perspective have you read?

* What books/advice did you find helpful, and what things (if any) made you feel that your time and money could have been better spent elsewhere?

* Do you find these books to be very realistic? What aspects of dating/single life do you think they gloss over, and that really need to be addressed?


I'm looking forward to your recommendations and reviews!

And please, if you have a different view or opinion about the books/materials that have been discussed here, feel free to share how and why you see things differently. We all connect in different ways, so your point of view might be speaking to someone in a way that no one else could.

And, you might just convince me to read that Christian dating book I've never taken down off the shelf, simply out of the sheer stubborn belief that it won't state something I've already heard about 777 times.

I read about 20 books on marriage... after mine ended.

Hi there.

Thought I'd way in since the chat seems to be down tonight.

I'm a guy, first of all.

I haven't had Christian books thrown at me, though I own the one you mention and the rebuttal, "I Gave Christian Dating a Chance." Haven't read either, though I skimmed the first. The content is basically that dating is a broken institution based in the flesh that will never lead you to your mate because dating is not spiritual.

So, something called "courtship" is advocated in which you go out in big groups and get to know each other that way. Not bad advice. Nothing wrong with it.

I don't recall how you transition from courtship or whatever the book calls it to one-on-one dating.

I think he dismissed dating because he never got a good shake out of it, and each person he went steady with, he left a piece of his heart with. To me, kids, you have to take a risk if you're going to win anything.

So I guess I'd be somewhere in the middle on that one. I'm certainly not against going out with a girl and having a good time. It's probably a good idea to spend a long time -maybe a year, depends on your age and circumstances- just getting to know someone before you get too physically intimate. Which is a whole other ball of wax.

I don't know about you, but I'm in a period where I just can't get a date to save my life. There are attractive Christian girls around of the right age (some of them), but for one reason or another, I'm sitting here alone on a Thursday night when I'd like to be in the company of some attractive godly woman. And I'm a nice-looking guy, active at church, etc. I guess part of it is I'm at a church where there aren't a lot of people my age (48) in the first place, and I haven't really been pressing the issue of trying to find a date. It's time I do, I think.

So I've been frustrated for a while, but open to the possibilities and in a point where I could fall in love again. I lost hope in that for a while.

Have a great day.

Well I may have a few too many of the christian chick / romance books on my shelf (some of which I even actually paid good money for), which I'd say in the way they portray relationships and how they form can be just as much hindrance as help (usually because there is some completely unrealistic situation that brings the couple together and that's usually the part most of us singles need the most help with, also because as some other person talking about romance books in general said the guys in romance books are often created and written by women (who know much better than poor real life guys in relationships, what women wish their men would be like). As to the single christan book phase I'm not sure I've been through too much of that, mostly because well the whole dating for the sake of not being alone never made much sense to me (I'm very comfortable alone) so generalized advice didn't always seem so applicable.

But in the course of my book reading over the years, I do have kind of a top 3 books about being a Christian single and dealing with the romance / marriage or lack thereof side of things:

Singles at the crossroads by Albert Hsu - an IVP book that I got in college it was a great book that starts with the premise that instead of treating singleness as the problem we should take the view that singless has the potential for singleness problems just like marriage has the potential for marriage problems. It also contains my favorite romance / happily ever busting line: " So what do Snow white and prince charming do after they've been riding off into the sunset for five or ten years? A refinanced mortgage, three kids, dirty diapers and credit card bills?"

Your Single treasure by Rick stedman - Most memorable is the story about the thrift store table that he opens with about how a thrift store owner had a nice dining room table with a $400 price tag on it, customer came in and tried to talk her down to $300 and she argued back that it was worth every penny of the $400. Her argument with the customer eventually convinced her to change the price.... to $600 and she was convinced that to let it go for anything less would be cheating herself. Starting from there he really sets out a paradigm for viewing sexuality as a way to both guard and impart value to people and recommends that the best way to reclaim the feeling of lost value from promiscuity is to engage in a voluntary period of extended celibacy. This one really helped me transition from the youth group mindset of "follow the rules so God gives you someone good" to celibacy is something you do to guard your own value and store it up so you can add value to people in many different kinds of relationships.

The Sacred search by Gary Thomas - I believe this one was recommended by someone right here in the CC singles forum. But seriously his discussion of marriage / relationship styles is well worth getting the book.

Of course I did. I read many of them. The Eric and Leslie Ludy books were my favorites.

This is what I've heard from a few pastors, but unfortunately, I never adhered to it. I do think it's the best way to go-if feasible.

I never read any books on dating, and I also find it terribly annoying when folks say, "oh, you need to read (insert book title)". They have no idea if I "need" to read such-and-such.
However, I HAVE read a number of Christian books, and a decent book about an experience (such as "The Hiding Place" or "There's a Sheep in my Bathtub") will generally include a bit of how the person or other folks in the story "caught" their spouse, so you get input from others that way .
I think I'll stop there to leave myself time to post in another thread, Kim.

The only books I’m reading are Bible based or gardening and horticulture 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Now I know why I’m single. I’ve been missing the dating books !! DOH ! LOL.

Actually I’ve not heard of the dating books and have no interest in them. I think I need to date a gardener or landscaper 👍😂

Seoul,
Your questions are never short or simple! 🙂 Always multifaceted!

Any way, I never went through the "Single ladies phase" but I did read the book you mentioned.
That was probably 20 years ago and I wasn't really impressed. I was really unimpressed after he started giving parenting and marriage advice though he was neither married or had children.

Just my thoughts.

Great thread, @seoulsearch

I haven't read any Christian dating book but I have read ones on others. I tried to read "Boundaries in Dating" by Cloud & Townsend but I never completed it.

The book that I read and really appreciated is "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It's not a book specific to singles or Christians or even dating but it has helped me understand how to express my views in a more compassionate way.
Since communication and conflict resolution is a big part of relationships, I found it very insightful in that context.

Thanks!

I'm pretty sure that all my childhood pastors, teachers, and Sunday School instructors formed a support group years ago - and are still recovering.

Every now and then, my parents try to distract me with food.

Thank you Rachel (and welcome back!)

Thank you so much for posting about this book! I might have to pick it up myself.

You make an excellent point I forgot to mention in the OP - for the most part, the books that have helped me the most haven't had anything to do with dating.

I've long-said that the two most influential books I've ever read besides the Bible are, "Disappointment With God," and, "Where Is God When It Hurts?" by Mr. Philip Yancey (who was kind enough to even answer a letter I wrote him after reading both books twice.)

I should really go back and re-read them. It's been several years, but one thing that stands out was that Mr. Yancey had visited a town in which a church had lost several members (if I remember correctly) of a missionary team in a plane crash.

Mr. Yancey attended the following Sunday's sermon in which the pastor led the congregation in a prayer of thanks to God for the saving and bringing back the members who had survived the crash, and yet there was no mention of those whose loved ones had been killed in the very same crash. (Growing up in the church, I could relate to these kinds of bi-polar scenarios all too well.)

"Why," Mr. Yancey asked, "Does God get all of the credit (for the ones who survived), but never any of the blame (for the ones who died)?" As a spoiler (and something else I greatly admire,) Mr. Yancey never considers turning away from God nor does he advocate rebellion, but rather, digs his heels in, goes straight to the Bible, and has a very Job-like heart-to-heart personal study with the Lord.

For whatever reasons, those books (that told me it was ok to tell God what I REALLY had on my mind) helped me a hundred times more than any dating advice I've ever come across.

I'm not a woman and I don't read books unless they have lots of pictures in them..

Some of the related books I have read:

1. Boundaries in dating
2. Cupidity
3. What to do until love finds you
4. Quiet and gentle spirit
5. Things men know but wont tell you
6. Think like a man act like a lady
7. Inside my heart
8. I kissed dating goodbye
9. Boy meets girl
10. Five love languages
11. Captivating
12. Wild at heart
13. Toxic men

I like to read books about human behavior and psychology. It helps to better understand myself and others but human interaction is still superior when it comes to learning about human behavior. When you are faced with a human, you tend to forget what you learned while reading those books. Lol!

"I kissed those dating books goodbye. (I'm shacking up with romance novels these days.)"

Hope that one won't get me banned...

Unfortunately that's the only relevant thing I have to contribute to this thread. I've never read any books on how to fix the problem of being single or how to be single and like it.

I do like that title though, in Tink's list. "Cupidity." Gotta love it.

I don’t read much.

Regardless of how many dating books you have read, Christian or otherwise, eventually you have to take a calculated risk, toss the dice and let the chips fall where they may. Or you can remain alone and read even more books on the art of dating.

I am fine being alone but I've had enough of the books on the art of dating. Lol!

I am sure that there are numerous books on the art of marriage too. Not to mention the many books on dealing with divorce. Altogether too much reading material on relationships. I do recommend Proverbs for sound, practical, spiritual counsel on successful satisfying relationships. My theory is to have a better relationship you must first have a better 'you'. The whole relationship experience is really quite an adventure that is worth living.

I might have read a book or two.. or not - don't recall reading any book on Christian dating to be honest with you.

Personally, the source of 'Christian dating' has been the Bible:

Genesis 2:18-25 (18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.)
This basically lays down that God just won't provide me with a wife simply because it's not good for a man to be alone (and I feel lonely) but rather would have him go through some process before providing a wife who was taken from the man after completion of the said process.

Proverbs 5:15-23 (18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.)
This paints what man need to hold fast to - be faithful to his wife alone, be satisfied and mesmerized by her beauty and love, and again be faithful to her only)