How Many of You Have Gone Through "The Single Ladies Christian Book Phase"?

[Hamarr]

I have read a couple of books on dating that were written by Christians. I guess I was more looking for the ones that were discussing why the models of dating, or the ideas/suggestions that are usually throw around aren't helpful. The main one was "Courtship in Crisis", which was written in response to the whole "I kissed Dating Goodbye" thing, and was advocating for old school casual dating where you date around to get to know people before deciding which one you want to "go steady" with.

The other was "Where Have All the Good Men Gone?" which was complaining about there not being enough men in the church or that those men won't "man up" or are otherwise "unmarriageable". I think I like to torture myself with books or articles like this sometimes. To the author's credit, she did try to show the men's side of things, but it is obviously taking more of the side of women who are the intended readers.

Oh yeah, I did pick up "True Love Dates", which is...okay. I like the author's blog and have listened to a couple of her podcasts. I got as far as "you need to sort out your own crap before attaining a relationship", which she calls "dating inward". I've been working on that inner stuff for awhile anyway.

I haven't seen too many aimed at guys. Or if they are out there, don't seem to be that useful. Most of the advice I have seen in Christian books/blogs are the usual unhelpful if not shaming things you see in Christian circles. I find secular books to be more useful. I read one recently that is about finding a woman that matches your values, and how to identify if she is mature and has the skills to handle problems.

 

[tourist]

I have read a couple of books on dating that were written by Christians. I guess I was more looking for the ones that were discussing why the models of dating, or the ideas/suggestions that are usually throw around aren't helpful. The main one was "Courtship in Crisis", which was written in response to the whole "I kissed Dating Goodbye" thing, and was advocating for old school casual dating where you date around to get to know people before deciding which one you want to "go steady" with.

The other was "Where Have All the Good Men Gone?" which was complaining about there not being enough men in the church or that those men won't "man up" or are otherwise "unmarriageable". I think I like to torture myself with books or articles like this sometimes. To the author's credit, she did try to show the men's side of things, but it is obviously taking more of the side of women who are the intended readers.

Oh yeah, I did pick up "True Love Dates", which is...okay. I like the author's blog and have listened to a couple of her podcasts. I got as far as "you need to sort out your own crap before attaining a relationship", which she calls "dating inward". I've been working on that inner stuff for awhile anyway.

I haven't seen too many aimed at guys. Or if they are out there, don't seem to be that useful. Most of the advice I have seen in Christian books/blogs are the usual unhelpful if not shaming things you see in Christian circles. I find secular books to be more useful. I read one recently that is about finding a woman that matches your values, and how to identify if she is mature and has the skills to handle problems.

Based on my years of experience I would say that the best way to learn about dating is to simply do it. I agree with you though that secular books would be more helpful in providing practical advice rather than Christian books on dating and marriage. Waiting on God's perfect timing is usually code for fear of rejection or commitment. You also have to realize that sorting out your own crap first may be a lifelong process. You have to accept that you will not be perfect and neither would be your perspective spouse. The best counsel that I can provide is to never date someone that you would not consider marrying thereby avoiding needless hurt and a waste of time, which, as you get older becomes a precious commodity.

 

[RodB65]

Well, I'm not part of the "Single ladies Christian book phase", but I did read "The five love languages" and go through the "Fireproof" book/program thing. So I do get some points for that I think.

 

[Rachel20]

I saw this yesterday.

The author who wrote "I kissed dating goodbye" now disagrees with its view and asked the publisher to discontinue its publication.

Quoting from wikipedia [which has references]:

By the late 2010s, Harris reconsidered his view that dating should be avoided, apologizing to those whose lives were negatively impacted by the book and directing the book's publisher to discontinue its publication

https://www.christianpost.com/news/...ill-be-discontinued-apologizes-for-flaws.html

https://joshharris.com/statement/?f...LdSIwjteHZGA78scTkVwdnbTcypMGpJ5ptrHvLPS1Tj3k

Here is a quote from his personal statement. TL;DR - doesn't agree with original views

I no longer agree with its central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner. I recommend books like Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and True Love Dates by Debra Fileta, which encourage healthy dating.

There are other weaknesses too: in an effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices (not dating, not kissing before marriage) and concepts (giving your heart away) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, it instilled fear for some—fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken. The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.

 

[Miri]

I can honestly say, I’ve never read a single,
“single christian” book or a
“How to do marriage” book.
Or a “dating” book.

.... that’s unless you count Enid Blyton Famous Five serious! Lol.

 

[zeroturbulence]

How about a book on how to even get a date in the first place.

I can honestly say, I’ve never read a single,
“single christian” book or a
“How to do marriage” book.
Or a “dating” book.

Me neither. I never had trouble dating so I don't see what's so complicated. I ask her out, if she says yes we go on a date. And if things go well we go on another and another..

 

[AuntieAnt]

When I was married, I read books recommended by church leadership at that time: husband/wife relationships and raising up children. Since my husband passed, I never read anything on dating. I figure if I don't know something about men/women relationships by now, I never will. And at this stage of my life, God is my only Counselor.

 

[LittleMermaid]

I saw this yesterday.

The author who wrote "I kissed dating goodbye" now disagrees with its view and asked the publisher to discontinue its publication.

Quoting from wikipedia [which has references]:



https://www.christianpost.com/news/...ill-be-discontinued-apologizes-for-flaws.html

https://joshharris.com/statement/?f...LdSIwjteHZGA78scTkVwdnbTcypMGpJ5ptrHvLPS1Tj3k

Here is a quote from his personal statement. TL;DR - doesn't agree with original views

This makes me really annoyed. He made a huge hype about his book and told people to read it. Now he says "oh yeah...it's not Biblical, so pretty much everything said on there was not right. Just forget about it!"
Dude! If you're going to recant what you say, then obviously you're not being led by the Spirit. Maybe Joshua Harris should just be quiet from now on...
Sorry ya'll, I just take my books very seriously and I find it a bit offensive for him to do this. If you're not 100% sure about something, then maybe don't publish it.

LOL as ya'll can see, I'm STILL on the Single Ladies Christian Book Phase!

 

[zeroturbulence]

How about a book on how to even get a date in the first place.


Me neither. I never had trouble dating so I don't see what's so complicated. I ask her out, if she says yes we go on a date. And if things go well we go on another and another..

Whoa, that top line isn't supposed to be there! I guess once you type something without posting it, it stays there even if you close the browser and come back hours later..

 

[cinder]

This makes me really annoyed. He made a huge hype about his book and told people to read it. Now he says "oh yeah...it's not Biblical, so pretty much everything said on there was not right. Just forget about it!"
Dude! If you're going to recant what you say, then obviously you're not being led by the Spirit. Maybe Joshua Harris should just be quiet from now on...
Sorry ya'll, I just take my books very seriously and I find it a bit offensive for him to do this. If you're not 100% sure about something, then maybe don't publish it.

LOL as ya'll can see, I'm STILL on the Single Ladies Christian Book Phase!

There's actually a documentary I watched about that, and I think you should watch before you judge him too quickly. Here's the link https://www.isurvivedikdg.com/ . They want your e-mail address, but it's otherwise free.

Bottom line is that although that book was pretty influential and he got a lot of fame for it, he was a 22 (I think, 20 something at least) year old kid who had been steeped in those ideas by the broader church culture. I think that's one point he even makes in the documentary something about "maybe you shouldn't think a college age kid is an expert on relationships and just believe everything he says" And he married like a year after it was published so he wasn't so much living through the consequences of the ideas he put forth in that book as they impacted the rest of us. He also talks about how it might not have been the book that was needed and truly helpful, but it was a book that at that time the broader church culture really wanted because a lot of times we like rules and methods more than the messiness of real life.

Most of us probably don't agree with all of the opinions we held 20 years ago, but it takes a lot of courage to go back and honestly look at the damage done by your work and publicly recant it.

(For the record, that was one of the books I didn't read but the courtship movement was pervasive enough that I have a pretty good idea of what it taught.)

 

[Lynx]

Whoa, that top line isn't supposed to be there! I guess once you type something without posting it, it stays there even if you close the browser and come back hours later..

It auto-saves every little bit. If your computer crashes or something you can reboot, come back to the thread and it's still there... hours or even days later.

You can also save it yourself to come back to later. At the top of this box I'm typing in, at the far right, there's a floppy disk icon for saving drafts.

 

[LittleMermaid]

There's actually a documentary I watched about that, and I think you should watch before you judge him too quickly. Here's the link https://www.isurvivedikdg.com/ . They want your e-mail address, but it's otherwise free.

Bottom line is that although that book was pretty influential and he got a lot of fame for it, he was a 22 (I think, 20 something at least) year old kid who had been steeped in those ideas by the broader church culture. I think that's one point he even makes in the documentary something about "maybe you shouldn't think a college age kid is an expert on relationships and just believe everything he says" And he married like a year after it was published so he wasn't so much living through the consequences of the ideas he put forth in that book as they impacted the rest of us. He also talks about how it might not have been the book that was needed and truly helpful, but it was a book that at that time the broader church culture really wanted because a lot of times we like rules and methods more than the messiness of real life.

Most of us probably don't agree with all of the opinions we held 20 years ago, but it takes a lot of courage to go back and honestly look at the damage done by your work and publicly recant it.

(For the record, that was one of the books I didn't read but the courtship movement was pervasive enough that I have a pretty good idea of what it taught.)

I don’t know. Now I feel like I shouldn’t waste any more time on Harris. He is clearly confused.
In another decade or so he might go back to his original views. Lol

 

[LittleMermaid]

This makes me really annoyed. He made a huge hype about his book and told people to read it. Now he says "oh yeah...it's not Biblical, so pretty much everything said on there was not right. Just forget about it!"
Dude! If you're going to recant what you say, then obviously you're not being led by the Spirit. Maybe Joshua Harris should just be quiet from now on...
Sorry ya'll, I just take my books very seriously and I find it a bit offensive for him to do this. If you're not 100% sure about something, then maybe don't publish it.

LOL as ya'll can see, I'm STILL on the Single Ladies Christian Book Phase!

I don’t know. Now I feel like I shouldn’t waste any more time on Harris. He is clearly confused.
In another decade or so he might go back to his original views. Lol

I really liked "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." So having the author recount what he said in it, felt like a stab in the back to all his fans. So I reacted a bit emotionally to the news that he didn't agree with his original book anymore.
I'm sorry if I was rude. I read that book when I was a teen and it's really helped me out. I have never given my heart or body to anyone. I have never been in love. And that feels really great! LOL that sounds harsh but I don't have any "what ifs" about guys from my past because I didn't love any of them. The book says to get to know people as friends first...then if things get more involved the man can ask the woman if they would like to court. I personally think that's beautiful and way better than the dating we have today where people go on one or two dates and expect to have sex with you!

I was being a bit harsh and rude in these replies. While I was at church today I was thinking about this. I thought about how everyone deserves a second chance, even pastors...or maybe that should read especially pastors. I don't know...I need to read more about this and watch that documentary on the topic. But I do apologize if I was rude.

 

[melita916]

i've read i kissed dating goobye, boy meets girl, when God writes your love story. i'm sure i read one or 2 other books as well, but i don't remember the title.

did they help me? maybe. i don't remember much of what they said lol

 

[Hamarr]

Based on my years of experience I would say that the best way to learn about dating is to simply do it. I agree with you though that secular books would be more helpful in providing practical advice rather than Christian books on dating and marriage. Waiting on God's perfect timing is usually code for fear of rejection or commitment. You also have to realize that sorting out your own crap first may be a lifelong process. You have to accept that you will not be perfect and neither would be your perspective spouse. The best counsel that I can provide is to never date someone that you would not consider marrying thereby avoiding needless hurt and a waste of time, which, as you get older becomes a precious commodity.

I'm still deciding if that is what I want long term. Part of me does want to get married at some point and maybe have kids. I'll see.

I do need to focus on school and losing weight. Fixing everything will take a lifetime, but addressing the core issues will only take awhile. I have already made a ton of progress in the last couple of years.

 

[Didymous]

After a lot of thought, I remember reading a book my double ex had. I don't remember what it was called, though.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I really liked "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." So having the author recount what he said in it, felt like a stab in the back to all his fans. So I reacted a bit emotionally to the news that he didn't agree with his original book anymore.
I'm sorry if I was rude. I read that book when I was a teen and it's really helped me out. I have never given my heart or body to anyone. I have never been in love. And that feels really great! LOL that sounds harsh but I don't have any "what ifs" about guys from my past because I didn't love any of them. The book says to get to know people as friends first...then if things get more involved the man can ask the woman if they would like to court. I personally think that's beautiful and way better than the dating we have today where people go on one or two dates and expect to have sex with you!

I was being a bit harsh and rude in these replies. While I was at church today I was thinking about this. I thought about how everyone deserves a second chance, even pastors...or maybe that should read especially pastors. I don't know...I need to read more about this and watch that documentary on the topic. But I do apologize if I was rude.

Actually it could be viewed as a positive on his end that he was humble enough to let go of something he had invested so much in and built his reputation on. To put his reputation on the line by acknowledging he was wrong at risk of such great loss speaks quite well of him.
Just a little extra to add to consider.

 

[LittleMermaid]

Actually it could be viewed as a positive on his end that he was humble enough to let go of something he had invested so much in and built his reputation on. To put his reputation on the line by acknowledging he was wrong at risk of such great loss speaks quite well of him.
Just a little extra to add to consider.

Yeah, I guess you are right. I was reacting a little emotionally, because I really liked his book. To the point where I was recommending it to friends. So now I feel like I'm wrong and the funny thing about humans...we don't like feeling like we're wrong.
I need to read and see why he feels the way he does. Maybe I will be enlightened.

The problem with Christian books is that Christians sometimes see them as truth just b/c they have verses in them. We have to remember that books about the Bible could be flawed. Only the Bible is not.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Yeah, I guess you are right. I was reacting a little emotionally, because I really liked his book. To the point where I was recommending it to friends. So now I feel like I'm wrong and the funny thing about humans...we don't like feeling like we're wrong.
I need to read and see why he feels the way he does. Maybe I will be enlightened.

The problem with Christian books is that Christians sometimes see them as truth just b/c they have verses in them. We have to remember that books about the Bible could be flawed. Only the Bible is not.

Wrong again. I LOVE to be wrong.


-.-

 

[Princesse]

No one presented me with a list of suggestions. I’ve read many on my own to gain insight on the biblical approach to marriage and relationships. I cover difficult subjects to learn how they overcame the challenges and moved forward. I continue to read Christian and secular titles on occasion.

In no particular order:

5 Stars

The Meaning of Marriage
The Mingling of Souls
Beautiful in God’s Eyes
Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams
Winning Him Without Words
The Wait
His Needs, Her Needs
Happy Wives Club
The Dating Manifesto
Kingdom Man
Love Leads
Prayers of an Excellent Wife
When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography
God is a Matchmaker
The Sacred Search
Winning Your Husband Back Before It’s Too Late
The Power of a Praying Wife
The Power of a Praying Woman
Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
Kingdom Woman
For the Love
Wait and See
Disciplines of a Godly Woman
In Search of the Proverbs 31 Man
Love Does
Prayers that Rout Demons
Safe People
Marry Him
Never Go Back
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship

4 Stars

The Excellent Wife
Letters to My Daughters
10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife
Your Knight in Shining Armor
Humble Roots
The Argument-Free Marriage
This Momentary Marriage
Deal Breakers
Making Marriage
Insecure in Love
The Path Between Us
Love and Respect
Through a Man’s Eyes
Holiness for Housewives
Every Woman’s Battle
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World
A Woman of Strength and Purpose
Women Living Well
Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce
Pulling Back the Shades
Living Beyond Your Feelings
Eve in Exile and the Restoration of Femininity
Made Like Martha
The Bridge to Forgiveness
Cupidity
Listen, Love, Repeat
The Respect Dare
Conflict Free Living
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Your Heart’s Desire
The Power of a Praying Husband
The Four Loves
Sacred Waiting
Encouragement
For Married Women Only
Prayers that Activate Blessings
Sacred Mundane
Loving Him Without Losing You
Boundaries in Dating

3 Stars

7 Things He’ll Never Tell You But You Need to Know
Love Busters
Messy Beautiful Love
More Love Less Conflict
Like the Shepherd
Love Defined
The Masculine Mandate
Single Servings
Keep it Shut
Speak Love

Read in the Past

I Kissed Dating Goodbye
When God Writes Your Love Story
What to Do Until Love Finds You
Secrets of an Irresistible Woman
Secrets to a Man’s Heart
The Power of Being a Woman
The Battlefield of the Mind
The Five Love Languages
The Five Love Languages for Singles
Sacred Marriage
The Love Dare
Captivating