I'm new, Closet-Christian.

Hello, I'm new.. I grew up an atheist, yet my foster mom, prayed sometimes (when I was younger) with me.
I've tried searching other places to fill the void, women, drugs, alcohol, to satisfy myself.
I've been clean for 1½ years now, (I decided to stop after I Overdosed: A bit after my moms death)
It's only now, that i've been reflecting on everything that had happend, and i can't help but "know" it is not me that stopped with my addictions, it was God who put the strenght in me to stop.
Im at this point, where I'm scared to go to hell, scared that people who sin will go to hell, and i cant help but feel crazy.
For an example: I smoke cigarettes, a couple of months ago (and the previous years) I wouldn't think twice about it, in fact i would be like "well i've stopped with drugs and alcohol, one thing at a time) But I cant help but think things like "why did i even start to smoke?"
After some reflecting, I came to the conclusion that- I started to smoke cause it was the only thing that didnt "let me down" that was always there for me, and how cynical is that? How spirtual broken is that? The only thing that didnt let me down, was the one thing that will kill me eventually..
I don't need it, I only need God, I only wanna praise Jesus, but I am scared, I think mainly because if I do "Believe" - then I will be confronted with my own actions, and the consequences, living in fear. - and the other reason is because I've been brainwashed my whole life to the atheistic view.
I've always felt the truth when I've picked up the bible, but been scared.
Sorry long introduction, but I hope I will find good friends on here.

Also, i dont know if this is allowed, (posting a YouTube link) But this is only so people can get the kind of thoughts im struggling with; (A video I made, expressing sorrow, I disagree with the things I sang and wrote singing 'How can we know what happens when we die, when we're not even sure of' what is happening while we're alive" but i wrote that.

You don't seem to have yet come to the knowledge of salvation..

Meaning you seem not to have come to the knowledge that Jesus suffered death on the cross to pay the penalty for all the sins of people who believe Jesus and trust in that payment he made ( called the Atonement ).. You also seem to not understand that this Atonement is a true loving gift that Jesus is offering to all people..

Salvation is the easiest thing to receive and keep.. All we must do is believe Jesus and trust that His Atonement saves us from the consequence of our sins and persist in that belief and trust till the day we die..

I hope you do find friends in here..
Remember a true friend will tell you the truth.. even if it hurts..
A false friend will tell you anything they think you want to hear..

Thank you, that is good advice on what a true friend is. Will strongly keep in mind.
And you are right-That hasnt "clicked" perhaps, because its hard to grasp that someone would love us sinners that much.. i still have an earthly mind.. I will read about it, thank you.

Hello, I'm new.. I grew up an atheist, yet my foster mom, prayed sometimes (when I was younger) with me.
I've tried searching other places to fill the void, women, drugs, alcohol, to satisfy myself.
I've been clean for 1½ years now, (I decided to stop after I Overdosed: A bit after my moms death)
It's only now, that i've been reflecting on everything that had happend, and i can't help but "know" it is not me that stopped with my addictions, it was God who put the strenght in me to stop.
Im at this point, where I'm scared to go to hell, scared that people who sin will go to hell, and i cant help but feel crazy.
For an example: I smoke cigarettes, a couple of months ago (and the previous years) I wouldn't think twice about it, in fact i would be like "well i've stopped with drugs and alcohol, one thing at a time) But I cant help but think things like "why did i even start to smoke?"
After some reflecting, I came to the conclusion that- I started to smoke cause it was the only thing that didnt "let me down" that was always there for me, and how cynical is that? How spirtual broken is that? The only thing that didnt let me down, was the one thing that will kill me eventually..
I don't need it, I only need God, I only wanna praise Jesus, but I am scared, I think mainly because if I do "Believe" - then I will be confronted with my own actions, and the consequences, living in fear. - and the other reason is because I've been brainwashed my whole life to the atheistic view.
I've always felt the truth when I've picked up the bible, but been scared.
Sorry long introduction, but I hope I will find good friends on here.

Also, i dont know if this is allowed, (posting a YouTube link) But this is only so people can get the kind of thoughts im struggling with; (A video I made, expressing sorrow, I disagree with the things I sang and wrote singing 'How can we know what happens when we die, when we're not even sure of' what is happening while we're alive" but i wrote that.

Welcome, brother Sophrosyne.

Hey, awesome talent you got there. Your music is beautiful! And the video is intriguing and compelling. By the way, kudos on the unique username! It's the Greek word σωφροσύνη used in I Timothy & in Titus, meaning self-control, temperance, sound mind.

Jesus desires that we put down that heavy burden of trying to be good and just rest in Him. The more we walk along with Him, learning about Him, the more we become like Him. You don’t have to worry about changing yourself. Our attitude conforms to Christ day by day. It's not by might or power, but by His Spirit. That’s the miracle of salvation and sanctification!

Jesus says, “Believe in Me.” That’s it. As you read His Word, the Spirit will give you supernatural understanding and you will see clearer and clearer the more you talk with Him. But I know you already know that in your heart of hearts. Else you wouldn’t be restless and striving to break out of that religious cycle of trying to be good enough in your own strength.

Just rest in the Lord, my friend. Learn about Him, nothing else. Don’t be afraid of how you look to God. You are the apple of His eye, you are His beloved son and precious friend. You are perfect in His sight. It’s written in Isaiah 54 that God will never be angry at you or abandon you. Never. His Word is true and the foundation of all life. The Law of the God’s Love is an absolute. You can safely trust in Him.

I pray you let God prove to you the liberty and peace He has given to you thru Christ Jesus. You can rest, son. Nothing will ever separate you from the love of God, not even your fears. He is so faithful.

DOH! I should have recognized Dylan. LOL

If you're interested in finding friends on this site, I recommend you post in the Christian Singles Forum. It's filled with wonderful young adults who can relate to your struggles and offer true friendship. They are a real blessing! Even to an old gal like me.

Welcome, brother Sophrosyne.

meaning self-control, temperance, sound mind.

.

but I am scared, I think mainly because if I do "Believe" - then I will be confronted with my own actions, and the consequences, living in fear. - and the other reason is because I've been brainwashed my whole life to the atheistic view.

Hello, I'm new.. I grew up an atheist, yet my foster mom, prayed sometimes (when I was younger) with me.
I've tried searching other places to fill the void, women, drugs, alcohol, to satisfy myself.
I've been clean for 1½ years now, (I decided to stop after I Overdosed: A bit after my moms death)
It's only now, that i've been reflecting on everything that had happend, and i can't help but "know" it is not me that stopped with my addictions, it was God who put the strenght in me to stop.
Im at this point, where I'm scared to go to hell, scared that people who sin will go to hell, and i cant help but feel crazy.
For an example: I smoke cigarettes, a couple of months ago (and the previous years) I wouldn't think twice about it, in fact i would be like "well i've stopped with drugs and alcohol, one thing at a time) But I cant help but think things like "why did i even start to smoke?"
After some reflecting, I came to the conclusion that- I started to smoke cause it was the only thing that didnt "let me down" that was always there for me, and how cynical is that? How spirtual broken is that? The only thing that didnt let me down, was the one thing that will kill me eventually..
I don't need it, I only need God, I only wanna praise Jesus, but I am scared, I think mainly because if I do "Believe" - then I will be confronted with my own actions, and the consequences, living in fear. - and the other reason is because I've been brainwashed my whole life to the atheistic view.
I've always felt the truth when I've picked up the bible, but been scared.
Sorry long introduction, but I hope I will find good friends on here.

Also, i dont know if this is allowed, (posting a YouTube link) But this is only so people can get the kind of thoughts im struggling with; (A video I made, expressing sorrow, I disagree with the things I sang and wrote singing 'How can we know what happens when we die, when we're not even sure of' what is happening while we're alive" but i wrote that.

Hello, I'm new.. I grew up an atheist, yet my foster mom, prayed sometimes (when I was younger) with me.
I've tried searching other places to fill the void, women, drugs, alcohol, to satisfy myself.
I've been clean for 1½ years now, (I decided to stop after I Overdosed: A bit after my moms death)
It's only now, that i've been reflecting on everything that had happend, and i can't help but "know" it is not me that stopped with my addictions, it was God who put the strenght in me to stop.
Im at this point, where I'm scared to go to hell, scared that people who sin will go to hell, and i cant help but feel crazy.
For an example: I smoke cigarettes, a couple of months ago (and the previous years) I wouldn't think twice about it, in fact i would be like "well i've stopped with drugs and alcohol, one thing at a time) But I cant help but think things like "why did i even start to smoke?"
After some reflecting, I came to the conclusion that- I started to smoke cause it was the only thing that didnt "let me down" that was always there for me, and how cynical is that? How spirtual broken is that? The only thing that didnt let me down, was the one thing that will kill me eventually..
I don't need it, I only need God, I only wanna praise Jesus, but I am scared, I think mainly because if I do "Believe" - then I will be confronted with my own actions, and the consequences, living in fear. - and the other reason is because I've been brainwashed my whole life to the atheistic view.
I've always felt the truth when I've picked up the bible, but been scared.
Sorry long introduction, but I hope I will find good friends on here.

Also, i dont know if this is allowed, (posting a YouTube link) But this is only so people can get the kind of thoughts im struggling with; (A video I made, expressing sorrow, I disagree with the things I sang and wrote singing 'How can we know what happens when we die, when we're not even sure of' what is happening while we're alive" but i wrote that.

Thank you all I really appreciate the warm welcome!!

thank you all for being so awesome