Finding a church home

It isn’t always an easy thing, but I’d say don’t give up. A good Bible-believing church is a blessing. I’d say try and get involved in the church’s men’s Bible study or attend some sort of event if you can to get to know people. I know it isn’t always easy to open up, but I believe if you stay consistent, you’ll begin to. And who knows what all can come out of that

Do you have difficulty finding a place to fit in? This is something that I kind of struggle with. Last night, I found myself reading a different message board and couple of linked articles. Those were all about feeling out of place at church if you were single. Some mentioned either being seen as potential threat for stealing a husband, or feeling like a creeper if you were a single guy in your 30s and 40s.

I've been wanting to isolate less, but I have to admit church hasn't seemed like the best place to get out and meet people. Unless I already know some regulars, I find myself maybe shaking hands with an usher before plopping on a pew by myself and then taking off after the sermon. I used to make more of an effort to find something to talk about when I was younger. I have read a number of comments from other guys about heading out into the wilderness to seek God instead.

Do you have difficulty finding a place to fit in? This is something that I kind of struggle with. Last night, I found myself reading a different message board and couple of linked articles. Those were all about feeling out of place at church if you were single. Some mentioned either being seen as potential threat for stealing a husband, or feeling like a creeper if you were a single guy in your 30s and 40s.

I've been wanting to isolate less, but I have to admit church hasn't seemed like the best place to get out and meet people. Unless I already know some regulars, I find myself maybe shaking hands with an usher before plopping on a pew by myself and then taking off after the sermon. I used to make more of an effort to find something to talk about when I was younger. I have read a number of comments from other guys about heading out into the wilderness to seek God instead.

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that the majority of churches have developed a certain value system that says God prefers people who are married, musical, extroverted, relationally oriented, and avoid causing trouble. Broadly I'd say that the more of those categories you fit into (or at least aspire to), the easier it will be to fit in in church. Needless to say there's plenty of space for this introverted, task oriented, logical single to feel frustrated and disillusioned.

After nearly 2 years at the church I currently attend (that I settled on because I got tired of looking and it seemed to be the best place I'd found), I'm still torn between thinking of it as my church and thinking that I should pack up and go looking again because I just don't connect with this place at all. And yet the thought of leaving becomes difficult because I have developed some connections there: the couple who have a child and grandchildren on a very difficult mission field, the older gentleman who thinks my bible knowledge and my really blunt delivery of it is great, the gal who I got to know because she was coming to church alone because her husband was working a lot at the time and had to work sundays (and yes she thought nothing of talking to the single gal about how lonely and difficult it was to have her husband gone so much and how she wanted to do things together so she wouldn't have to do them alone) but now she's developed some health conditions that make life even more stressful and difficult and though there's no reason I can think of to like her (except maybe she was one of the first to say hi to me repeatedly) I do care. Sometimes I wonder if one of the key ingredients for community is having been around long enough for things to be familiar.

But oftentimes I have a hard time seeing the value of Sunday mornings as well, and I would in a heartbeat consider my long walks on the beach or through the woods alone with God far more valuable to my personal faith than much of my corporate faith practice. And I wonder what's the point of church, what is it that makes gathering together a mandatory and necessary part of practicing our faith? And right now the two things I think I really get from my involvement in church are 1) positive peer pressure and maybe some motivation towards internal accountability and 2) interactions with other people's life situations and struggles that keep me from becoming very myopic and self focused in my opinions and challenge me to keep developing them

I started typing up something about finding a way to serve in church and then deleted it, but I like what you said about attributes sought after in members. That's something I've been thinking on a bit. I guess just attending is not enough for me I would like to get involved more. I am musically inclined so I could try for a worship band, but like David Murrow says in "Why Men Hate Going To Church" most of the opportunities to serve in church aren't in most guy's wheelhouse.

The fellowship thing for me is something I get stuck on. There's a good chance I may not be getting any when I go, especially if I don't know anyone. A lot of churches I have gone to are not very welcoming unless you already know a member. Like at some point they quit being growth minded and welcoming and start becoming more focused on the current members. To be honest, I find more fellowship in outside groups that are more recovery related where people have lots of varying beliefs. I often feel more connected to them.

It does sound like you have made some friends there, though.

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that the majority of churches have developed a certain value system that says God prefers people who are married, musical, extroverted, relationally oriented, and avoid causing trouble. Broadly I'd say that the more of those categories you fit into (or at least aspire to), the easier it will be to fit in in church. Needless to say there's plenty of space for this introverted, task oriented, logical single to feel frustrated and disillusioned.

After nearly 2 years at the church I currently attend (that I settled on because I got tired of looking and it seemed to be the best place I'd found), I'm still torn between thinking of it as my church and thinking that I should pack up and go looking again because I just don't connect with this place at all. And yet the thought of leaving becomes difficult because I have developed some connections there: the couple who have a child and grandchildren on a very difficult mission field, the older gentleman who thinks my bible knowledge and my really blunt delivery of it is great, the gal who I got to know because she was coming to church alone because her husband was working a lot at the time and had to work sundays (and yes she thought nothing of talking to the single gal about how lonely and difficult it was to have her husband gone so much and how she wanted to do things together so she wouldn't have to do them alone) but now she's developed some health conditions that make life even more stressful and difficult and though there's no reason I can think of to like her (except maybe she was one of the first to say hi to me repeatedly) I do care. Sometimes I wonder if one of the key ingredients for community is having been around long enough for things to be familiar.

But oftentimes I have a hard time seeing the value of Sunday mornings as well, and I would in a heartbeat consider my long walks on the beach or through the woods alone with God far more valuable to my personal faith than much of my corporate faith practice. And I wonder what's the point of church, what is it that makes gathering together a mandatory and necessary part of practicing our faith? And right now the two things I think I really get from my involvement in church are 1) positive peer pressure and maybe some motivation towards internal accountability and 2) interactions with other people's life situations and struggles that keep me from becoming very myopic and self focused in my opinions and challenge me to keep developing them

maybe this time i'll be brave enough to talk with peoples.

there were no make out songs for Jesus or Jesus is my boyfriend stuff

What?

I think he's probably talking about those songs often sung in worship that you could pretty much change to a lovesong on the radio if you replaced the word Jesus with baby or darling or some such term of endearment. And I'd have to agree that most of our modern evangelical churches tend to sing a whole lot more of those type of songs than songs that remember Christ's death or talk about the majesty, power, sovereignty of God. My personal pet peeve (or at least one of them) is songs that repeat the line we worship you or we love you or some such, like merely saying it is the same thing as doing it.