Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

It’s smack in the middle of the night and I’m wide awake because two drunken guys are getting loud in the street. Oh good, they took their business elsewhere lol.

Nighty night!

bump................................

Bump not, lest ye be bumped.

Speaking of which, what happened to GOP? I haven't seen his pellucid prose lately.

You talking about GOP or The GOP? Or Be Bop? A Lula?😊

So today I had to look back at a recent post when someone liked it to remember what I wrote. Makes me feel like I'm doing absentminded posting. On the bright side, I don't think I've ever looked back at a post I wrote and disagreed with myself so that's good.

Have you ever run into a post of yours from 2014 or so and you can't remember saying that?

But yeah, at least I didn't disagree with what I seem to have written back then... at least the forum claims it was me who wrote it... but what I (allegedly) wrote makes sense, so whatever.

Wait till you get to my age, trying to remember what you wrote a couple days ago. That is why I keep a three word processor files with whatever I said over 50 words recorded. Being searchable, they help me keep track of myself.

I don't even remember posts I made 10 minutes ago.

Neither do I.

Did I write that?

Lately I've been angry with God. It's been this way a long time, actually. The past few days, especially, I've blasted God. I have said the worst things to and about Him i could think of. Things that would not repeatable on this site if said about anyone at all. I've been convinced the past few days i was done with God since i felt He was done with me. I'm not one to believe salvation can be lost (please don't turn that into an argument) but after the things i've said the past few days i am wondering now.
All my life i've wanted to feel close to God. I never have. I would see people say how they needed God, loved God. I never felt that way. I've wanted answers, direction and help from God but felt like they never came. And if anything did come from God it seemed like a tease. I've spent 10 years sick with stream of health problems. Some permanent. So i don't have any friends locally because it's not easy for me to do much physically. And i'm broke, so i couldn't go anywhere if i wanted to.
10 years ago my bad health really started. I was homeless before that and felt that after 4 years of it i would just move back home. Months after moving back home i was told i would need to start dialysis soon for renal disease and need a kidney transplant. Once i connected my sudden desire to move and no longer be homeless with my health needs i realized it was God that had caused me to move. I would've never had the help i have now, when i was homeless. And that sounds all great on the surface, but my life has been meaningless since. 10 years of spending most of your time at home or at doctors/hospitals doesn't make ones life seem like it was worth continuing. Lots of pain, stress, anxiety, depression and a huge romantic heartbreak. My future seems bleak and lonely.
So i can't understand why God keeps me here. He never feels close. My life is miserable. My future looks hopeless. I am defeated and beaten down at every turn. And so i was so frustrated at God i said the most evil things i could think of to/about Him. I figured why follow God if He wasn't doing anything in me. I was pretty much on my way out the door from following Him, but it's not what i want. Not really. All i want is to be close to God. Personal. I've prayed so many things for so long, even begging God for guidance, answers and it seems He ignores me. I feel as though He has simply given up on me. Of course i sometimes wonder if He ever started.
Things are definitely different the past few days. I do feel different. Not in a good way. While i was reluctant to admit it to myself i do feel worried about it. I did tell God to leave me alone. In anger. I hope He hasn't left me though, and ignored my outburst. But i'm not so sure.
And i know all the answers Christians give. I know because i've given them countless times for almost 30 years myself.
Perhaps just lots of prayers.

Ugly - I was moved by your testimony and thanks for your candor. You'll probably blow this off, but I was moved in such a way as to reply (when I should be working). I'm Catholic and I know how you feel about Catholics, but please know my heart goes out to you and hear my inner thoughts on a Godly relationship.

The word "supernatural" bothers me a little. I realize God is omnipotent and supernatural, but I don't believe He works in those ways. I think we live in a supernatural world but it seems all completely natural to us. We don't consider things supernatural until something happens that "seems" supernatural and even those (in my opinion) are natural and way the God made things in the beginning. Even as Ecclesiastes says that there's nothing new under the sun, God works with the natural ways He built all this and doesn't deviate neither from His plan nor His buildings.

In that respect, I believe God works through us in ways that we would consider completely natural and in those natural ways, we are either a recipient of good things or a victim of bad things as it rains on the just as it does the unjust. Raining on the unjust does not imply punishment, but it does imply "placement". We know it's better, for instance, to have shelter during a storm, but if one has no shelter, then they're more likely to get wet. And having that shelter - the toil and the labor to build it - is exactly what God tasked us with as He did with Adam. In other words, God expects ACTION with all the things He built. In the same way He expects the tree to bear fruit, He expects us to grow and to seek and to understand Him which requires the aforementioned action.
One of the most tragic impositions God bestowed on His people was when the tower of Babel in the land of Shinar was felled and we lost communication through language. One of our greatest tools was taken away and though the tower could be rebuilt and rebuilt again, our communications have never healed. Even in our own language we can't convey the message we want and it causes heart break and anger - even war. This is why action - our daily work -is so important. Our action is how we mold ourselves either in the Way our God has provided us through His Torah and through Christ His Son, or in a myriad of other ways that leaves us, ultimately without shelter.

What I'm saying is that God provides everything and we can use everything, but in my own personal life, I've never "felt" a holy Presence. I've never experienced that - not because I don't have faith, but rather I think this Presence is already there! It's a natural thing that I can easily overlook because of the very fact that it IS natural. I don't consider His Presence in my life as a supernatural occurrence, but rather a natural and on going relationship. There's nothing new, Ugly, under the sun.

I probably didn't make myself clear, but I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers - which is another thing altogether. We simply don't know what all prayer actually does. It may very well has forces akin to gravity or the wind, or heat of the sun to make change and to create action. It's a supernatural world we live in here in a natural way. I think this is why God loves children so - because they look at the world with such wonderment.

@17Bees
Thank you for taking the time to write so much and putting genuine thought into it. Some of it I will definitely be pondering. Thanks again.

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I've never been where you are. (God has graced me with good health.) But I would like to share some thoughts, if you don't mind. I hope they are not platitudes.

1) You need more faith. - That sounds like a platitude doesn't it. ;-) But wait, there's more. - I believe faith is defined in Hebrews 11:6 where it says roughly "Without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." My take away from that is that faith is believing that God is worth seeking and then earnestly seeking Him. True faith seeks God in the midst of every circumstance. You have some overwhelming circumstances to navigate through. Are you seeking the person of Jesus in your life? Do you want to know Him better personally? Faith is believing it is worth your time to seek Him and then seeking Him no matter what you are facing.

2) It isn't easy to be where you are, but God trusts you SO MUCH that He has given you situations that the rest of us could not endure. He has done this in love because He knows you are able to handle it through Him. He wants a deep and intimate relationship with you and going through the fire you are going through is His way of blessing you in eternity. In John 9 Jesus said a man was born blind so he could glorify God in his life. For the last 2000 years or so, do you think that man has been bitter at God because God had him be born blind? Or, do you think he now worships God for trusting him so much that he allowed him to be born blind so Jesus was glorified in his life?

Do you blame God for putting you in the difficult situations you are in? Can you imagine yourself in eternity praising God for allowing you to go through such difficulty because it brought you closer to Jesus because there was nothing else you could cling to? Do you think the "average" unchallenged Christian would have the motivation to draw close to God that you do? Isn't that something to thank God for; for the opportunity to draw close to God with all your heart mind soul and strength? I invite you to start thanking God right now for all the difficulty you have in your life. This demonstrates that you are trusting God to be glorified in your life through all that you are going through.

3) Sometimes we have to go through the fire in order for God to accomplish what He wants to happen in us. This is not a platitude. It is what Jesus demonstrated by His torture and death. Do you think God could not have demolished the earth for what we did to His Son? Why didn't God deliver His Son from the insane torture and death he went through? Can you imagine any other father allowing his one and only son to go through torture and murder if he had the power to stop it? Why didn't God deliver His infinitely beloved Son from torture and murder? BECAUSE there are some things that can only be accomplished by going through the fire. If there were any other way in all of creation for man to have been delivered from sin, God would have done it. There wasn't. Jesus had to go through the fire so we could be redeemed.

Why doesn't God deliver you from the fire that is your life? Because there are some things that can only be accomplished in your life by you going through the fire. Thank God for trusting you so much that He has given you so much potential to grow into.

4) For a large building to be built, a large foundation must be dug out. These trials you are going through are like the heavy machinery that moves the dirt out of the way so a larger building can be built. God wants to do great things in your life, but He has to work in your heart to get the dirt out of the way. Regularly, that can only be done by going through difficult situations and learning to trust and love God, and by learning how to rejoice even in the midst of overwhelming difficulty.

5) It is important that we do not seek God in our own power. Seeking God by mans power is religion. Allowing God to work in us as we focus on Him is, as I understand it, the true nature of Christianity. For instance, how do you love God more? I really don't think it is by working at it in our own life. I think it comes from understanding His love for us better. To love God more, learn more about how much He loves you, and then reflect His love to the world around you. If you want to learn more about how much God loves you read the Gospel of John a few times, even out loud, if you like. Focus on how much He loves you and then love Him back.

Lord God in Heaven, the user named Ugly is going through a difficult time in his life, perhaps for most of his life. Father, I lift him up to you to work in his heart, mind, soul, and strength to glorify yourself in his life. Father, give him an eternal perspective. Help him focus on you and your Son, Jesus. Father, grant him the faith to seek you with all of his heart, mind, soul and strength. Grant him a supernatural understanding of how much you love him and help him love you back for all he is worth. And, Father, I ask you to give him joy and peace in the midst of the trials he is facing. Grant him obedience to your will so he can glorify you forever. I ask this in Jesus' name amen.

P.S. Ask God to give you the wisdom to navigate this life for His glory and honor.
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I had been working in the mission in Oakland for about four years. I had trained as a mainframe computer programmer and was working at that for two years. This was about early 1990 and my health just started falling apart. It started with carpel tunnel syndrome, my hands would start feeling numb and painful. It got so bad the doctor had to medicate me in order to get any sleep. This started compounding the problems as I could not shake off the medicine to get alert enough to be creative at work. That caused stress and then came the digestive problems. I had GERD from a hiatal hernia and it just eat away my esophagus. Shortly after that, I came down with Peroni’s disease which halted my sex life. That added even more stress. Then the ringing in my ears got worse and I had to get a hearing aid. That only helped a little.

By mid-summer we had caught up at work and my supervisor told me to take as much time as I needed to get my surgeries done. First up was the hernia repair. They checked me in to prep for surgery and discovered my red blood cell count was so low that I should be dead. They refused to proceed that way thing were, so they transfused me with fresh blood and sent me home to build back up my blood. I had been on a liquid diet, but they then out me on a clear liquid diet for two weeks. It feels like you are starving. I finally got that problem settled and had to schedule for two carpel tunnel surgeries. We scheduled the first and was about to do it when I got a notice from work that I had been terminated for too much sick leave.

The doctor doing my hands asked about that saying he thought they gave me enough time off. When I confirmed they did, he got mad at them. The doctor had a lawyer friend he said could set things right. We then started the process of suing my employer for wrongful termination. We did the other surgery and waited out the suit. It took most part of a year when we finally got a settlement for about a year’s pay. Trouble is I did not get my job back, they claimed that they wouldn’t do it. I agreed to the amount with the stipulation I would get my job back. It wasn’t near enough money with the circumstance. Having lost my job for medical reasons and filing a lawsuit, it amounted to a black-ball from any new employment. Nobody would hire me. I got bitter towards God for letting so many things happen to my health while I was doing His work. What did He do? He pulled the rest of it from me.

Then God started drying things up for us in the mission work. First, the men’s home burnt down. The women’s home wasn’t doing very well either. We had five kids from one mother we were trying to adopt. They were black, and a new worker and supervisor was put on the case and they put a block on the adoption. It seems they were worried they would lose their black cultural heritage if adopted by whites. It became apparent that wasn’t going to go through also. Here we are in a city with rent about $1000 a month, with no job and other things drying up. We had no choice but to start planning a move to someplace cheaper to live. It turns out that my mother was selling the house in San Bernardino and moving everything to Arkansas where she had about three properties. We made arrangements to have the kids picked up. We told the missionary head she would have to get another second officer. She said her daughter would do it. We then loaded up and headed to San Berdoo and then Arkansas.

We had moved in with family, which didn’t honor our religious beliefs very much. I had no choice but to stay there because my digestive system was a mess. I had incapacitating gas problems that kept me down. It took three years but I finally got my Social Security Disability insurance approved in Arkansas. God would not let me do anything for Him for the next 30 years. I am much more humble that I was then. I finally started writing some books on what God has taught me. I had trouble getting a publisher after writing two. Four years after copyrighting the first, I was living in a nursing home getting my knee joints replaced. While there a new Christian publisher started advertising. I made arrangements to move in with my youngest son and I applied to this publisher. They approved both books and I started getting the publishing done. The first one is done, paid for and published. The second is about done, should be early this fall. Most of my present life amounts to pain management for severe arthritis and a plethora of other pills for digestive and heart problems. When God does talk to me, He says “My grace is sufficient for you.”

I have since dealt with my bitterness and depression over my health issues. I still believe everything God has taught me. God claims He is preparing me for a great work in this last hour. There are many others going through the fire like you and I. He has need of us that will not trust the flesh to do His bidding. You are on my prayer list.

I don't have the answers, I'd like to, but I just don't. And I'm probably going to poorly articulate the ideas half baked inside my head, but here it goes. As I think about the stories of the Bible, as I think about the history of the church and the realities its lived under, it seems like there were many people for whom by worldly standards following God was a detriment and a costly foolish decision. Joseph, Moses, Abraham, Job, Hosea, Jeremiah, Elijah, Paul, those executed by Rome for their faith, and still today there are those for whom following Christ means their society and family turn against them. And I wonder what it is that they see and find in Christ and his story that makes him worth all the suffering and sacrifice. I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I am becoming more sure that there is something I'm blind to.

But I also know that sometimes anger and lashing out at God is a sign of faith, if you didn't believe he was there you wouldn't waste your breath on him. And I'm pretty sure that God can take our anger, especially when he knows it's born of pain and disappointment and frustration. Sometimes I think that it's only after we've gotten all the anger out, that we can get quiet enough to listen and to hear what God is trying to say to us. And I pray that that will be your experience over the coming weeks, that on the far side of anger you will find a quiet where God can speak to you and reveal to you what he's doing and the reasons for hope in what appears to be a hopeless situation.

Me neither. Ancient history.

I would like to eliminate everything I wrote about before June 2017