Lately I've been angry with God. It's been this way a long time, actually. The past few days, especially, I've blasted God. I have said the worst things to and about Him i could think of. Things that would not repeatable on this site if said about anyone at all. I've been convinced the past few days i was done with God since i felt He was done with me. I'm not one to believe salvation can be lost (please don't turn that into an argument) but after the things i've said the past few days i am wondering now.
All my life i've wanted to feel close to God. I never have. I would see people say how they needed God, loved God. I never felt that way. I've wanted answers, direction and help from God but felt like they never came. And if anything did come from God it seemed like a tease. I've spent 10 years sick with stream of health problems. Some permanent. So i don't have any friends locally because it's not easy for me to do much physically. And i'm broke, so i couldn't go anywhere if i wanted to.
10 years ago my bad health really started. I was homeless before that and felt that after 4 years of it i would just move back home. Months after moving back home i was told i would need to start dialysis soon for renal disease and need a kidney transplant. Once i connected my sudden desire to move and no longer be homeless with my health needs i realized it was God that had caused me to move. I would've never had the help i have now, when i was homeless. And that sounds all great on the surface, but my life has been meaningless since. 10 years of spending most of your time at home or at doctors/hospitals doesn't make ones life seem like it was worth continuing. Lots of pain, stress, anxiety, depression and a huge romantic heartbreak. My future seems bleak and lonely.
So i can't understand why God keeps me here. He never feels close. My life is miserable. My future looks hopeless. I am defeated and beaten down at every turn. And so i was so frustrated at God i said the most evil things i could think of to/about Him. I figured why follow God if He wasn't doing anything in me. I was pretty much on my way out the door from following Him, but it's not what i want. Not really. All i want is to be close to God. Personal. I've prayed so many things for so long, even begging God for guidance, answers and it seems He ignores me. I feel as though He has simply given up on me. Of course i sometimes wonder if He ever started.
Things are definitely different the past few days. I do feel different. Not in a good way. While i was reluctant to admit it to myself i do feel worried about it. I did tell God to leave me alone. In anger. I hope He hasn't left me though, and ignored my outburst. But i'm not so sure.
And i know all the answers Christians give. I know because i've given them countless times for almost 30 years myself.
Perhaps just lots of prayers.
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I've never been where you are. (God has graced me with good health.) But I would like to share some thoughts, if you don't mind. I hope they are not platitudes.
1) You need more faith. - That sounds like a platitude doesn't it. ;-) But wait, there's more. - I believe faith is defined in Hebrews 11:6 where it says roughly "Without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." My take away from that is that faith is believing that God is worth seeking and then earnestly seeking Him. True faith seeks God in the midst of every circumstance. You have some overwhelming circumstances to navigate through. Are you seeking the person of Jesus in your life? Do you want to know Him better personally? Faith is believing it is worth your time to seek Him and then seeking Him no matter what you are facing.
2) It isn't easy to be where you are, but God trusts you SO MUCH that He has given you situations that the rest of us could not endure. He has done this in love because He knows you are able to handle it through Him. He wants a deep and intimate relationship with you and going through the fire you are going through is His way of blessing you in eternity. In John 9 Jesus said a man was born blind so he could glorify God in his life. For the last 2000 years or so, do you think that man has been bitter at God because God had him be born blind? Or, do you think he now worships God for trusting him so much that he allowed him to be born blind so Jesus was glorified in his life?
Do you blame God for putting you in the difficult situations you are in? Can you imagine yourself in eternity praising God for allowing you to go through such difficulty because it brought you closer to Jesus because there was nothing else you could cling to? Do you think the "average" unchallenged Christian would have the motivation to draw close to God that you do? Isn't that something to thank God for; for the opportunity to draw close to God with all your heart mind soul and strength? I invite you to start thanking God right now for all the difficulty you have in your life. This demonstrates that you are trusting God to be glorified in your life through all that you are going through.
3) Sometimes we have to go through the fire in order for God to accomplish what He wants to happen in us. This is not a platitude. It is what Jesus demonstrated by His torture and death. Do you think God could not have demolished the earth for what we did to His Son? Why didn't God deliver His Son from the insane torture and death he went through? Can you imagine any other father allowing his one and only son to go through torture and murder if he had the power to stop it? Why didn't God deliver His infinitely beloved Son from torture and murder? BECAUSE there are some things that can only be accomplished by going through the fire. If there were any other way in all of creation for man to have been delivered from sin, God would have done it. There wasn't. Jesus had to go through the fire so we could be redeemed.
Why doesn't God deliver you from the fire that is your life? Because there are some things that can only be accomplished in your life by you going through the fire. Thank God for trusting you so much that He has given you so much potential to grow into.
4) For a large building to be built, a large foundation must be dug out. These trials you are going through are like the heavy machinery that moves the dirt out of the way so a larger building can be built. God wants to do great things in your life, but He has to work in your heart to get the dirt out of the way. Regularly, that can only be done by going through difficult situations and learning to trust and love God, and by learning how to rejoice even in the midst of overwhelming difficulty.
5) It is important that we do not seek God in our own power. Seeking God by mans power is religion. Allowing God to work in us as we focus on Him is, as I understand it, the true nature of Christianity. For instance, how do you love God more? I really don't think it is by working at it in our own life. I think it comes from understanding His love for us better. To love God more, learn more about how much He loves you, and then reflect His love to the world around you. If you want to learn more about how much God loves you read the Gospel of John a few times, even out loud, if you like. Focus on how much He loves you and then love Him back.
Lord God in Heaven, the user named Ugly is going through a difficult time in his life, perhaps for most of his life. Father, I lift him up to you to work in his heart, mind, soul, and strength to glorify yourself in his life. Father, give him an eternal perspective. Help him focus on you and your Son, Jesus. Father, grant him the faith to seek you with all of his heart, mind, soul and strength. Grant him a supernatural understanding of how much you love him and help him love you back for all he is worth. And, Father, I ask you to give him joy and peace in the midst of the trials he is facing. Grant him obedience to your will so he can glorify you forever. I ask this in Jesus' name amen.
P.S. Ask God to give you the wisdom to navigate this life for His glory and honor.
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