My boyfriend cheated, what should I do ?
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Apple, I"m very sorry for you--everyone in this post has told you his cheating is a WARNING and to 'cut and run'' and fortunately you have not married him. I truly wonder if you have any real faith because you seem to care more about this man's love than considering that God may be saving you from him. if you are a Christian I'm sorry to say you have a whole lot of maturing to do because it's obvious by saying "I'm afraid there won't be anyone else" that you don't trust God to give you someone who will be faithful to you.
Nope...not even.
And yes...there will be someone else. You are just too heartbroken over all you have invested into this relationship to think clearly at the moment. And your self worth is destroyed instead of being built up.
Relationships are about being more than the sum of the parts. Not being someone else's accessory. (Which is what he made you into when he cheated)
These are hard and firm boundaries you must have if you want to be happy, healthy and whole. It's what we really want out of a marriage. And with all that he has perpetrated...he has had a pattern of behavior for a reason. It's not going to change until the pain gets worse than the cure.
I get the pain you are feeling...but you also need to feel angry for being lied to and stolen from. He is a con artist who has stolen something precious. (Your heart) And if it were possible he should pay for his crime in prison..but as it is the price is his job and you.
And yes...there will be someone else. You are just too heartbroken over all you have invested into this relationship to think clearly at the moment. And your self worth is destroyed instead of being built up.
Relationships are about being more than the sum of the parts. Not being someone else's accessory. (Which is what he made you into when he cheated)
These are hard and firm boundaries you must have if you want to be happy, healthy and whole. It's what we really want out of a marriage. And with all that he has perpetrated...he has had a pattern of behavior for a reason. It's not going to change until the pain gets worse than the cure.
I get the pain you are feeling...but you also need to feel angry for being lied to and stolen from. He is a con artist who has stolen something precious. (Your heart) And if it were possible he should pay for his crime in prison..but as it is the price is his job and you.
Everyone has value... including you!
You aren't a piece of property!
You aren't just another pretty face and figure or a receptacle for men to deposit whatever into.
You are a valued half of a relationship you have yet to discover. One that you don't need to live but instead choose to give of yourself to be part of something more.
This comes about by not only supporting yourself but others as well as a normal accepted part of life.
Everyone has talents and gifts given to them by God. Arts and crafts and organizing and analyzing and nurturing and encouraging and storytelling and etc etc etc...
I've never known God to not give gifts to anyone. And it's high time to stop suppressing those talents and gifts and to use them...using self discipline to make them valuable to everyone who sees the fruit of them... whatever they are. Of course others will try to discount those talents and gifts... because most people suck. (Tallest nail gets pounded...always)
People belittle others so that they appear to stand taller... even though most aren't that tall themselves. And if you allow others to define you.... you are never going to like the results. God has defined you as someone quite different than everyone else has.
Let's get real...if someone starts giving you a bunch of compliments your natural reaction is first to blush with embarrassment but then you wonder what it is that they want from you.
That's normal.
What's abnormal is believing that what a con artist has demonstrated with his actions is truth in your life.
If you were one of the super rich and one day you realize that someone is desperate in trying to con you into giving him five dollars...they are obviously pulling out everything in their pathetic repertoire to cheat you out of a pittance... what would you think of that person?
First thing is that they are poor and pathetic to begin with. That they have no idea who you really are. They are not really worth dealing with. (You have people for dealing with people like this)
This is the same situation just slightly different. He really wasn't worthy of being your friend much less having a place in your heart. He is the liar... you didn't lie. Your heart is true...he is cheating everyone he deals with. You want to be generous and give to everyone...he wants to cheat everyone out of something he doesn't even believe in.
And yet you feel worthless?
Can you see the illogical conclusions yet? He is the thief...a leech on society. You are the citizen of society. Your only fault was in believing his lies. It happens to the best of us. Look at the Theranos trial...that woman conned people out of billions of dollars...many of whom were financial sharks themselves. But they are not any different than you. (Except they are getting their pound of flesh)
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...all these feelings you have are normal and building to some real fury. Just aim it appropriately when it finally comes out.
You aren't a piece of property!
You aren't just another pretty face and figure or a receptacle for men to deposit whatever into.
You are a valued half of a relationship you have yet to discover. One that you don't need to live but instead choose to give of yourself to be part of something more.
This comes about by not only supporting yourself but others as well as a normal accepted part of life.
Everyone has talents and gifts given to them by God. Arts and crafts and organizing and analyzing and nurturing and encouraging and storytelling and etc etc etc...
I've never known God to not give gifts to anyone. And it's high time to stop suppressing those talents and gifts and to use them...using self discipline to make them valuable to everyone who sees the fruit of them... whatever they are. Of course others will try to discount those talents and gifts... because most people suck. (Tallest nail gets pounded...always)
People belittle others so that they appear to stand taller... even though most aren't that tall themselves. And if you allow others to define you.... you are never going to like the results. God has defined you as someone quite different than everyone else has.
Let's get real...if someone starts giving you a bunch of compliments your natural reaction is first to blush with embarrassment but then you wonder what it is that they want from you.
That's normal.
What's abnormal is believing that what a con artist has demonstrated with his actions is truth in your life.
If you were one of the super rich and one day you realize that someone is desperate in trying to con you into giving him five dollars...they are obviously pulling out everything in their pathetic repertoire to cheat you out of a pittance... what would you think of that person?
First thing is that they are poor and pathetic to begin with. That they have no idea who you really are. They are not really worth dealing with. (You have people for dealing with people like this)
This is the same situation just slightly different. He really wasn't worthy of being your friend much less having a place in your heart. He is the liar... you didn't lie. Your heart is true...he is cheating everyone he deals with. You want to be generous and give to everyone...he wants to cheat everyone out of something he doesn't even believe in.
And yet you feel worthless?
Can you see the illogical conclusions yet? He is the thief...a leech on society. You are the citizen of society. Your only fault was in believing his lies. It happens to the best of us. Look at the Theranos trial...that woman conned people out of billions of dollars...many of whom were financial sharks themselves. But they are not any different than you. (Except they are getting their pound of flesh)
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...all these feelings you have are normal and building to some real fury. Just aim it appropriately when it finally comes out.
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@Apple7456
Why are you here?
Let's break down what you're really doing here. You're not here for advice, you're here to find people to tell you to stay with him. Because despite nearly everyone telling you to leave him all you've done is disagree and argue against that idea.
But you know deep down inside somethings not right about staying with him, but you want to ignore that part.
You're in turmoil over this, that is its own warning sign. This man has placed you in turmoil over this relationship. That's not how good relationships should go.
Apologies.
Want to know the key to an apology? Action. The words "I'm sorry" hold zero value unless there is a clear desire to change and actions taken. Otherwise you could replace the words "I'm sorry" with any other two words.
Being alone.
What you're saying in your posts are "I'd rather be in a bad relationship than in no relationship". And because you think that way he will cheat again and again. Because he knows he can get away with it with you. The fact that you are so desperate to be in a relationship sets you up to be mistreated. And not just by him. Men that take advantage will spot you from a mile away.
And, frankly, you're lucky it's only cheating. Women that speak the way you do often end up in more physically abusive relationships.
Marriage.
Marriage is Not a magic cure all. The very fact that you think him getting married will magically change him shows how poor your understanding of marriage really is. Change comes from a desire within oneself to be better. If he doesn't have that desire now getting married won't change that. In fact it could make things worse.
Now he'll know your leaving him is much less likely, thus he'll feel he can get away with more.
Marriage is not meant to fix him, or you or your relationship. Marriage is about being selfless. It is about a symbiotic relationship where two people give up themselves for the sake of the other. And that isn’t achieved by just having a ceremony and taking some vows (vows that he's already proven he can't keep).
Cheating men.
Not all men cheat. Anytime someone tells you that all of a certain group does something, know they're wrong.
Forgiveness.
This does not mean you pretend someone's wrong actions, especially repeated wrong actions, are forgotten. It means you don't hold any ill will against them for it.
But you can still use wisdom to see and avoid a problem person.
And it doesn't always happen immediately. Sometimes it's a process that happens over time as you grow and mature.
Can you be sure?
You've found him to be flirty a few times and had sex with another woman. But these are only what you Know about. Can you be positive there aren't more?
What if he changes?
If he moves on to someone else and stops cheating (which is extremely unlikely) so what? Perhaps him knowing he can get away with cheating on you is part of why he was doing it?
And how would you know either way? Or care? You'll be broken up. You should be moving on anyways.
People with the mindset of being a victim always find an excuse to stay with people that victimize them. Exactly as you're doing here.
How about "what if we stay together and he Doesn't stop cheating?". Why are you not asking yourself that instead?
Are You ready?
By reading your posts I'd say the problem here is You are not ready for a relationship. You are desperate to cling on to someone who has already mistreated you. Even to the point of considering marriage.
You have a false notion that marriage fixes people, you don't understand marriage.
You have no belief in yourself, which opens you up to further mistreatment.
You'd rather be in a relationship and cheated on than single, that is an unhealthy mindset.
Forget what he's done, You're not ready. The two of you continuing will inevitably be a nightmare, and you'll be the one to suffer most.
Instead you need to get out on your own, grow, mature, strengthen, learn and enrich your life as a single. Then, one day, if you meet someone that's actually good, you'll be in a place where you can make healthy decisions and have right motives.
Remember, your choices can't be undone. Bad choices can leave a lifetime of regret, and let me tell you from experience, that is a miserable way to live.
Why are you here?
Let's break down what you're really doing here. You're not here for advice, you're here to find people to tell you to stay with him. Because despite nearly everyone telling you to leave him all you've done is disagree and argue against that idea.
But you know deep down inside somethings not right about staying with him, but you want to ignore that part.
You're in turmoil over this, that is its own warning sign. This man has placed you in turmoil over this relationship. That's not how good relationships should go.
Apologies.
Want to know the key to an apology? Action. The words "I'm sorry" hold zero value unless there is a clear desire to change and actions taken. Otherwise you could replace the words "I'm sorry" with any other two words.
Being alone.
What you're saying in your posts are "I'd rather be in a bad relationship than in no relationship". And because you think that way he will cheat again and again. Because he knows he can get away with it with you. The fact that you are so desperate to be in a relationship sets you up to be mistreated. And not just by him. Men that take advantage will spot you from a mile away.
And, frankly, you're lucky it's only cheating. Women that speak the way you do often end up in more physically abusive relationships.
Marriage.
Marriage is Not a magic cure all. The very fact that you think him getting married will magically change him shows how poor your understanding of marriage really is. Change comes from a desire within oneself to be better. If he doesn't have that desire now getting married won't change that. In fact it could make things worse.
Now he'll know your leaving him is much less likely, thus he'll feel he can get away with more.
Marriage is not meant to fix him, or you or your relationship. Marriage is about being selfless. It is about a symbiotic relationship where two people give up themselves for the sake of the other. And that isn’t achieved by just having a ceremony and taking some vows (vows that he's already proven he can't keep).
Cheating men.
Not all men cheat. Anytime someone tells you that all of a certain group does something, know they're wrong.
Forgiveness.
This does not mean you pretend someone's wrong actions, especially repeated wrong actions, are forgotten. It means you don't hold any ill will against them for it.
But you can still use wisdom to see and avoid a problem person.
And it doesn't always happen immediately. Sometimes it's a process that happens over time as you grow and mature.
Can you be sure?
You've found him to be flirty a few times and had sex with another woman. But these are only what you Know about. Can you be positive there aren't more?
What if he changes?
If he moves on to someone else and stops cheating (which is extremely unlikely) so what? Perhaps him knowing he can get away with cheating on you is part of why he was doing it?
And how would you know either way? Or care? You'll be broken up. You should be moving on anyways.
People with the mindset of being a victim always find an excuse to stay with people that victimize them. Exactly as you're doing here.
How about "what if we stay together and he Doesn't stop cheating?". Why are you not asking yourself that instead?
Are You ready?
By reading your posts I'd say the problem here is You are not ready for a relationship. You are desperate to cling on to someone who has already mistreated you. Even to the point of considering marriage.
You have a false notion that marriage fixes people, you don't understand marriage.
You have no belief in yourself, which opens you up to further mistreatment.
You'd rather be in a relationship and cheated on than single, that is an unhealthy mindset.
Forget what he's done, You're not ready. The two of you continuing will inevitably be a nightmare, and you'll be the one to suffer most.
Instead you need to get out on your own, grow, mature, strengthen, learn and enrich your life as a single. Then, one day, if you meet someone that's actually good, you'll be in a place where you can make healthy decisions and have right motives.
Remember, your choices can't be undone. Bad choices can leave a lifetime of regret, and let me tell you from experience, that is a miserable way to live.
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You don’t feel angry instead of hopeless. You feel relief! This goofball showed exactly who he is. He is using you. He used the other girls. He needs a constant affirmation that he is desirable. This emptiness inside him won’t be filled by your forgiveness. I was sort of like him. I never cheated on a girlfriend but I used my fair share of girls to puff up my ego. After the conquest I felt barely anything for them. I’m telling you, not only is he empty regardless of appearances, he’s also unfaithful. You don’t need the heartbreak this loser will continue to serve. Break up with him. I guarantee within a month he will be in another relationship. He’s poison, trust someone who knows.
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I’ll be honest, I used to be extremely confident but now I just keep second guessing myself. I just left but I remember all the good times we had and I miss them and I don’t want to feel jealousy if he moves on to another I want to not care but it’s hard when you’ve loved someone for so long. I want to get on on my own and grow like you said above but I don’t know how? What activities or things do I do to strengthen myself? I know it sounds like I’m defending and arguing but this relationship is all I’ve ever known. I want to feel like I’m worth more then I think about the good times and i think we’ll if he didn’t love me then he wouldn’t have done that nice thing or this nice thing. I want to stay away just hard.
Apple, there is no one who says you shouldnt forgive in these posts. We have all agreed that you should break it off with him—- ask God to heal your heart and give you the courage to turn away— you need to let go so you are free for someone who will be faithful to you. Forgiveness is often a process— hurt and anger are natural responses to being cheated on. Those emotions serve as a warning and protection.
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There's a reason why healthy relationships include independent community involvement...this can be everything from bowling leagues to the Junior chamber of commerce (Jaycees) or some other hobby group you engage with in a social capacity...and if course you should have active involvement with a group of friends at your Church. Even if the other person gets the church in the breakup. You still have people that you personally connect with there.
You can't haul a person off to the corner away from the rest of world and expect to have a healthy relationship with them. Sure my wife is my quarantine buddy(gratefully so) ...but we both miss our friends terribly...I miss mine and she misses hers.
Then there's the other groups that we usually have that have formed from our various interests. Old friends, new friends and family friends and of course family members. My Brother-in-law is upset because he lost his parents when he got divorced...(he too was a cheater) but not really....it's just that his parents didn't approve of his behavior and have a solid relationship with ex-daughter in law.
I'm sure that there's something that you like to do...from RC Airplanes to quilting or knitting or sewing or something that you can enjoy.
I enjoy a WIDE variety of hobbies and interests that form groups...and I'm quite happily married. But if anything ever happened and I lost my spouse there would be an army of support coming... unless I was a jerk and caused it to happen.
I couldn't stand much of that though as I detest being a victim or having victim status. And I ain't much for the guilty feelings either so I try not to be a perp either. Just saying...
You can't haul a person off to the corner away from the rest of world and expect to have a healthy relationship with them. Sure my wife is my quarantine buddy(gratefully so) ...but we both miss our friends terribly...I miss mine and she misses hers.
Then there's the other groups that we usually have that have formed from our various interests. Old friends, new friends and family friends and of course family members. My Brother-in-law is upset because he lost his parents when he got divorced...(he too was a cheater) but not really....it's just that his parents didn't approve of his behavior and have a solid relationship with ex-daughter in law.
I'm sure that there's something that you like to do...from RC Airplanes to quilting or knitting or sewing or something that you can enjoy.
I enjoy a WIDE variety of hobbies and interests that form groups...and I'm quite happily married. But if anything ever happened and I lost my spouse there would be an army of support coming... unless I was a jerk and caused it to happen.
I couldn't stand much of that though as I detest being a victim or having victim status. And I ain't much for the guilty feelings either so I try not to be a perp either. Just saying...
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People can do nice things for people without loving them, especially when there are ulterior motives. Do we as adults not all realize that sexual gratification is one of the greatest tempters of all time, motivating people to do all manner of unseemly things? I have not read this whole thread, but based on what little I have seen and my own experience in abusive relationships, the best way to start moving on is to take personal responsibility. Since you say you have left the abuser, try taking your focus off him. If your current activities' level is not great enough to accomplish that end, pick up the pace a bit, which I understand can be somewhat difficult during these covid times. Nobody would expect you to be able to get over him "just like that" meaning in a flash, so give yourself some time, as it is possible you may never completely erase him from your memory banks, and you know what? That should be a good thing, as in, lesson learned the hard way with him, and therefore, do not repeat, for you already know what comes after. Have you ever attended any 12 step groups? I ask because co-dependents anonymous may be suitable for you.
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Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.
The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship.
You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.
Low self-esteem.
Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
People-pleasing.
It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
Poor boundaries.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.
Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
Reactivity.
A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
Caretaking.
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
Control.
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
Dysfunctional communication.
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
Obsessions.
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
Dependency.
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
Denial.
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
Problems with intimacy.
By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
Painful emotions.
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb. Source
The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship.
You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.
Low self-esteem.
Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
People-pleasing.
It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
Poor boundaries.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.
Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
Reactivity.
A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
Caretaking.
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
Control.
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
Dysfunctional communication.
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
Obsessions.
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
Dependency.
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
Denial.
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
Problems with intimacy.
By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
Painful emotions.
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb. Source
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Cheating is just a nice word for being betrayed! And as unsure about your relationship with the Lord,you now are unsure about whom you have selected to be your boyfriend.A friend does not betray. At least you are honest sis!! I wonder if he is truly sorry,or just sorry you caught him?
Since you now will never be secure with him after this,and why should you be,you have to ask yourself this question. Will I continue to live in doubt, or am I just better to do without?This only you know,and this you must decide. Most women hope against hope that their man will change,and many believe that if they hang around long enough they can change their man.
In some cases they are right,but in most cases they find themselves to be taken down a long slide and fall into the dirt. Men like him just look to hide better, so you will not catch them again.( Matt 26:24) BUT!!!! You know him far better then anyone here,I just am not a trusting soul. You have my prayers and it is time you place your trust in someone who will never betry,and his name is Jesus Christ! We all need support sis,find a good Church and stick with a proven winner! THEN!!!! He will give you the wisdom you seek. Blessing sis!
Since you now will never be secure with him after this,and why should you be,you have to ask yourself this question. Will I continue to live in doubt, or am I just better to do without?This only you know,and this you must decide. Most women hope against hope that their man will change,and many believe that if they hang around long enough they can change their man.
In some cases they are right,but in most cases they find themselves to be taken down a long slide and fall into the dirt. Men like him just look to hide better, so you will not catch them again.( Matt 26:24) BUT!!!! You know him far better then anyone here,I just am not a trusting soul. You have my prayers and it is time you place your trust in someone who will never betry,and his name is Jesus Christ! We all need support sis,find a good Church and stick with a proven winner! THEN!!!! He will give you the wisdom you seek. Blessing sis!
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