...I did not pay very close attention to it, and now I can't find the threads.
Back in... 2014 I believe it was, one of her devotionals was "talking" to me. What I mean by that is, after I prayed for the night, I'd open one of her books, and every other day or so I'd get not one sentence, but a paragraph in response to something I had prayed about. It started to get to the point where I began to say, "Okay, what am I going to hear today?" And, lo and behold, there was another "response".
This went on for about 2 or so months until I had to put her books down. Why? The overall message of her devotionals seems to be, "This life's going to suck. But, hold on to Me, and console yourself knowing that relief will come with an eternity in MY presence!" And, I seemed to be reprimanded more than once as well. What's wrong with that?
Well, here's my dilemma. These messages became very heavy to keep reading. They gave no hope for this life. The prospect of (possibly) another 30+ years on this earth, with no relief from the things I deeply want relief from (a crappy, unfulfilling work life, loneliness -- no friends / buddies here in Arizona, and no prospects at all for a wife and a holy sex life), is not relieved a whole lot by the prospect that it may take several more decades to end my need / desire for such things.
I have not learned to be totally content in God despite circumstances. I am praying for that. But, even as I do, and even as I try to thank Him for the circumstances out of which He promised to bring good, I still battle with my desires for those aforementioned things.
The reason this is getting to me is because I recently picked up one of her devotionals again. I've been reading it each night for a few months. I thought that maybe God might have been displeased with my putting them down in the first place, and so I thought I'd try again. The result has not been the same sense of "talking" to me, but that same message of hope for the next life, with little mention of any for this life, persists. I've punched the book once, slammed it another, grieved for the lack of hope and the end of my simple dreams more than once.
What do you think? I'm an idolater, yes? Yet, I cannot get past it. I cannot make myself see this life the way God seems to want me to see it. And, I remain sad and depressed because there does not seem to be any message of hope that my circumstances will change, and the spiritual progress I seek is very slow in coming as well.