Husband addicted to Porn

[goodthingswillcome]

I'm so lost right now! My husband has been dealing with porn for as long as I have known him. He is secretive about things that I don't agree with him doing (buying lottery tickets when we don't have any money, watching pornography on his phone, even little things that shouldn't even matter). I have become a very overbearing while due to my lost of trust of him. My heart is literally broken, Im dealing with depression due to this. He use to talk with me about this issue and for awhile I believed he was being honest with me. But, then he started to become more distant. I bring it up and he just doesn't answer my questions, he wont even discuss it. Whenever we would have any sexual relations it was all about pleasing him immediately. There was absolutely no satisfaction, or even sense in pleasing me. I have loved my husband since the first day I met him, we have two beautiful children together. But, I can't live like this. If he is not willing to change, when should I say enough is enough? He absolutely refuses counseling due to being embarressed, he doesn't believe it is anyone elses business.

 

[shekaniah]

Do you have a church family? If you do, can ask for prayer and support for you.

I will be praying for you and your family. May God sanctify and bless all of you!

 

[TD14]

This is coming from a sex addict and one of my drugs of choice is porn. I'm 19 and been an addict since i was 12. I'll tell you this right now. It ain't an easy addiction to quit. It took me till i was 17 to even admit i had a problem and 18 and 1/2 to seek help. I started going to 12 step meetings and that has helped me a lot. It helps to find a smaller meeting in my opinion the larger ones aren't as personal. The best advice i have is to have your husband seek help. This is a battle that can't be fought alone. Addicts like to lie to ourselves and think we can fight it but i'm telling you right now we can't alone. I had almost a year clean and i lost my soberity. Then i had 1 and 1/2 months and lost it again. I have been in a downward spiral of using for the last 2 or 3 weeks and i'm doing just what i said we like to do, lie to ourselves. Now that i quit college i'm hoping to get a grip on things. I want you to know that it's not that your husband doesn't love you or doesn't want to be involved with you, most likely he does. He is probably feeling so much shame and guilt right now though that he feels as though no one on earth would want him. I have went through bouts of deep depression and paranoia linked to my addiction. So the best advice i have is to somehow get him help. I wish he lived near me because i would gladly befriend him and take him to the meeting i go to. If you go to google and search Sex Addicts Anonymous you will be able to find groups near you. Some have groups for spouses that maybe you could go to so atleast you can have some help and support in dealing with this. Sex addiction is not a pretty thing and it can tear a family apart. I hope and pray that doesn't happen to yours. It's hard to love an addict but it's like a sickness or disease. In your vows it said in sickness and health and he is sick. That being said eventually if nothing can be done to fix the situation sadly you may have to evaluate your options and cut ties. I hope and pray though that don't happen. Feel free to ask me questions or pm me. If you don't want to ask in public i'm more then open to pm. I'll tell you this right now though, you are a strong woman for even seeking out help. I have seen and heard so many stories where the wife gives up and does nothing. So major credit to you for seeking out help.

 

[VikkiKate89]

I would lay down an ultimatum. Tell him either he agrees to go with you to marriage counseling or you're leaving because by not putting his pride aside and going he obviously doesn't love you or care about the marriage enough to try to fix it.

 

[djness]

I would lay down an ultimatum. Tell him either he agrees to go with you to marriage counseling or you're leaving because by not putting his pride aside and going he obviously doesn't love you or care about the marriage enough to try to fix it.

Kate is spot on.
A friend of mine got married and found out about a year later her husband was addicted to porn. She flat out told him you love me or porn, but you are only going to stay married to one. He chose her and got all the help he needed to be free.

 

[Saul_Durian]

I have to kind of disagree with that ultimatum thing unless you are really ok with him leaving. Most men, will say one thing and then totally do another. And if you lay down that "my way or the highway" line, are you really prepared for him to leave? Sometimes that backfires.

Now if you are ok with him leaving, then go for it. Nobody is worth living your short life in misery.

 

[Jordache]

Rather than calling it an ultimatum which can be controlling, you need to set a boundary. Its not acceptable that he refuses to get help. Yes, its hard to not be controlled by shame. Its certainly a point of compassion, but allowing him to make shame or any other feeling an excuse to avoid getting help, is just enabling his addiction. More than for the sake of yourself, but for the sake of your kids, you cant accept this. As the saying goes, you get what you tolerate.

 

[Helloimandrewyo]

I have to kind of disagree with that ultimatum thing unless you are really ok with him leaving. Most men, will say one thing and then totally do another. And if you lay down that "my way or the highway" line, are you really prepared for him to leave? Sometimes that backfires.

Now if you are ok with him leaving, then go for it. Nobody is worth living your short life in misery.

I agree, laying down any kinda of "law" on your husband i can really only see having negative impact. Either a guy will do it so there spouse will leave them alone, or they really want to, but it is harder then just sayingokay i am done. Having been in the drug scene most of my life, i can tell you a lot of addicts hate that they are addicted and want to be free. Saying my way or the highway, doesn't really seem to be the best way of fixing problems.

 

[CC_Bride]

Please read this:

| The Resurgence


Its a free ebook called 'porn again christian'. First you read it so you agree with it, then have your husband read it as part of your altimatum.

The other thing that also worries me about what you said is not just that he has a porn issue but a gambling issue, I mean c'mon, buying lottery tickets while you're in poverty? Thats not on! Hes not being a responsible husband nor father. Both gambling and porn are quick fix addictions.
I sincerely hope you're connected to a church family. If not get one!! Make sure they teach the bible well and if your husband 'claims' to be a christian, then be prepared to seek godly male led discipline against him. You do not have to be stuck in this situation and this is not "your cross to bear" your husband is being a weak passively abusive coward by the sounds of it, BUT stay married to him for now and get the support YOU and your children need, pray for him and get men around him. After all that, if he is still in denial then seek biblical counselling and perhaps a christian lawyer

 

[CC_Bride]

Marriage and Men | Mars Hill Church

Also please watch this sermon so you understand how precious you are as Gods daughter and what minimum standard you deserve in a husband according to the bible. And if your husband is willing, make him watch it even if you have to lock him in somewhere lol. Its for his own good.

 

[shekaniah]

Marriage and Men | Mars Hill Church

Also please watch this sermon so you understand how precious you are as Gods daughter and what minimum standard you deserve in a husband according to the bible. And if your husband is willing, make him watch it even if you have to lock him in somewhere lol. Its for his own good.

I have seen this, it is good. They also have one titled Marriage and women.
I say watch both!

 

[unicorn22]

jesus weeps as we do, porn is such an addiction in the world. maybe you can talk to him about how he would like it if his daughter or son were into pornography. Pray for him anf yourself to stay strong and be willing yourself to follow gods will whatever sacrifice he requests of us is for our joy and health in the long run good luck and god bless unicorn 22

 

[JoyintheLordinNY]

It might help to find a celebrate recovery meeting near your home. Celebrate Recovery It can help you sort through the difficulty, figure out what you can and cannot change, as well as find encouragement and accountability. It is not an easy position you are in however, there is victory in Christ. If you begin your journey toward healing, you may be pleasantly surprised by what solution the Lord brings about in your life. Trust him. God speed.

 

[Ronnie]

It's an addiction. As strong as any drug. Ultimatums don't work. Understanding, patience, support and prayer will help. He's not out of love, he's addicted to a drug that he can't beat on his own. He knows, deep inside, that he has a problem. It's about pride now. It's too easy to just quit on someone.

 

[omid_mankoo_author]

Re(YOUR SOLUTION IS HERE): Husband addicted to Porn

I'm so lost right now! My husband has been dealing with porn for as long as I have known him. He is secretive about things that I don't agree with him doing (buying lottery tickets when we don't have any money, watching pornography on his phone, even little things that shouldn't even matter). I have become a very overbearing while due to my lost of trust of him. My heart is literally broken, Im dealing with depression due to this. He use to talk with me about this issue and for awhile I believed he was being honest with me. But, then he started to become more distant. I bring it up and he just doesn't answer my questions, he wont even discuss it. Whenever we would have any sexual relations it was all about pleasing him immediately. There was absolutely no satisfaction, or even sense in pleasing me. I have loved my husband since the first day I met him, we have two beautiful children together. But, I can't live like this. If he is not willing to change, when should I say enough is enough? He absolutely refuses counseling due to being embarressed, he doesn't believe it is anyone elses business.

if you take me seriously, you will have the solution to his problems in your hands
Yes, he is right. It is no body else's business. He more than likely is trying to figure out on his own what is happening to him. meaning why he is so strongly attracted to the porn images. Problem is, is that he does not have the necessary info to help him. various sexual presentations trick the mind, making or twisting sex to seem something abnormal, and naughty. therefore one is embarressed by it, and one canot , or has a real difficult time finding help. the mind of the person who is fixated (i would not use the term addiction to describe a person who is addicted because it is has such a negative connotation in the public eye - people are seen as perverted and sick individuals) SO please understand why , and with good reason the afflicted like to not be stigmatized and branded as perverts. it is a kind of thing that deos not go away. so back to what i was saying: the ind of the fixated often is filled with sex, and after the sexual arousal is gone, the mind is filled with guilt, and a sense of having done smotheing wrong against one's wife, against God, against oneself, etc. there are few moments where his mind experiences peace. What is very important is for you and him to know that in various sexual presentatins ceratin tricks are used to manipulate the ind and impact it strongly. people wathcing porn usually have no idea that they are being mentally tricked. it is not his fault. he and you both need to understand what tricks they are using (to quote a bible verse, you need to be as wise a s serpents, because when you are wise to how the tricks are done, you can figure out how to defend against them) so again:
1.you need to know what tricks they are using
2. learn how the mind works (how and why the mind is so powerfully affected)
3. learn how to cut the influence of these cunning deceptions from the mind, leaving the mind in peace
So, should you decide to follow up on gaining access to this freeing info follow this link which has more info on the book.
BOOK: OPEN TO BLISS Sage Hope's 1st Gift to Humanity The Definitive & Complete Solution Manual to Sexual Attraction & Addiction by Omid Mankoo
Sage Hope's 1st Gift to Humanity | The Definitive & Complete Solution Manual to Sexual Attraction & Addiction
how he and you are ought to read the book is by going immediately to insiht 1 then read insight 2 skipping the explanations after each insight. God is a Blessing
Note, I used to be strongly fixated on sex, and I got over it completely, if I could get over it anyone can. just look into the knowledge in the book, it is straight forward, common sense.

PLEASE TELL OTHERS ABOUT THE TRUE NATURE OF THE PROBLEM AND POINT THEM TO THE SOLUTION AS WELL, SINCE countless people are in a desperate situatino about this same problem, and tey have no idea wher or whom to turn to for practical information. AND TELL THEM TO TELL OTHERS AS WELL.

 

[Chiefofsinners]

He needs to get saved, and filled with the Spirit....and then God will have something to work with. If he doesnt stop it will get worse and worse the flesh never gets enough to satisfy the hunger it has. He must replace it with something else. Try taking him to church or getting him to fellowship with some Spirit filled Christians. Go fishing or hunting or bowling or somthing with some Christians on a regular basis then the Spirit will convict him and his desires will change.

 

[JuliaGoolia]

I can totally identify with this. Although I am divorced now. That wasn't the reason. But that's another story.

My ex was the same way, very selfish, very secretive, and no interest in pleasing me whatsoever in the bedroom. It was always about him.

What I can tell you from what I've read is that it sounds like your husband is addicted. The thing about addictions is, they are selfish. Because the addicted party puts their addiction over everyone and everything else in their lives.

I think you should seek help from an outside party, preferably a man who he respects. This is not something he may have the strength to just give up on his own.

Ultimatims DON'T work. You'd think they would. But they don't. Like with any addiction, the person has to reach their own bottom before they will be willing to change. It's possible that he would be willing, if he thought it would cost him the marriage. But putting it to him like that will only cause him to go on the defensive and likely any promises he makes as a result won't stick.

 

[daughter_of_a_king_89]

if your husband truly wanted help he could go to God would gladly break him free from this addiction. He has set me and millions of others free.its a matter of choice if your husband wants to change or not.And it is not fair to you to live this way. Remind him of his vows and the hurt hes causing you and tell him if you want to change ill stand by you and we will take this matter to God. God is the only one who can fix this problem.If he is truly unwilling tell him you need a seperation for a short time so he can truly evaluate the situation and see whats more important his addiction or his wife. Continue to pray and love thats all you can do.But dont give up trust in God!!!!

 

[GodsavemeifyoureallyExist]

The first time i saw porn

“omg is this legal?!”

Now its just like:

this was my reaction to discovering it existed there was always some pretty blondie with fake boobs

but i havent veiwed it in so long that ive forgotten what it looks like now

i just grew bored of it seeing the same thing over and over again lolz it gets boring

when he gets bored he will stop worked for my dad and me it will for him also give it time

 

[GodsavemeifyoureallyExist]

I satisfy my man so i dont have to deal with situations like this but if it was me i would take all his porn and i

would sell it then i would replace his porn with myself and i would satify all his sexual needs so he

would never think about another women again even in his dreams he would not beable to see any

other women but me its like my mom always told me keep your man satisfied he will never lust after other

women and he would never cheat i had to know her secret to taming dady because my dad doesnt go after

other women they chase him he doesnt chase them when they ask he always says no im happy married and

shes the only women that i will ever need glad my mom shared her secret now we both 2 happy girls *giggles*