SNL Weekend Update: Charlie Kirk Assassination Coverage
COLIN JOST: We have some updates on the September assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk. According to reports, bomb-sniffing dogs were initially unable to locate the rifle used in the shooting on September 10th. But then the FBI sent in a rookie cop who found it immediately.
MICHAEL CHE: (deadpan) Oh, so the dogs couldn't find a gun that was just fired? That's convenient. What were they, like, DEA dogs? "Sorry, we only do marijuana. Rifles aren't our thing."
JOST: The gun was reportedly left in a wooded area near the university—
CHE: In the woods. Where nothing has ever been successfully hidden before. But sure, let's send in Officer First-Day-On-The-Job to crack the case. (shakes head) Man, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this whole thing sounds—
JOST: (interrupting quickly) Moving on! It's also been revealed that Charlie Kirk had discovered suspicious financial activity at Turning Point USA just a week before his death and had called for a "DOGE-style audit" of the organization.
CHE: Wait, wait—he found something suspicious at his own organization, wanted to audit it, and then a week later... (makes throat-cutting gesture)
JOST: When asked about this, a TPUSA spokesman said, quote, "This is no longer relevant now that we found the kid who shot Charlie."
CHE: (stares into camera) "No longer relevant." Case closed, everybody! Don't worry about the financial irregularities. We got a 22-year-old! Investigation over!
JOST: That's not all. A text message has surfaced showing that Charlie Kirk texted TPUSA officials Dan Flood and Andrew Kolvet the night before his assassination saying, quote, "They are going to kill me."
CHE: (long pause) ...The night before.
JOST: The night before. When reporters asked for comment, they were told to—and I'm quoting here—"shut up and stick to the official narrative from the FBI."
CHE: (laughing) "Stick to the narrative"? They're not even pretending anymore! That's like if the Warren Commission just came out and said, "Listen, we've got a story, it involves one magic bullet, don't ask questions."
JOST: There's also been controversy over a claim made by TPUSA spokesman Andrew Kolvet that the attending physician, Dr. Lee Trotter, said Charlie Kirk had a quote "superman neck," which is supposedly why the 30-06 bullet didn't sever it.
CHE: A superman neck.
JOST: However, Dr. Trotter has stated he never said this. TPUSA is now alleging the comment actually came from Charlie's widow, Erika Kirk.
CHE: (incredulous) So they just... made up a medical opinion? And blamed it on the dead guy's wife? That's cold. Although I gotta say, "superman neck" is a hell of a thing to lie about. Like, why not go all the way? "He also had Wolverine ribs and Spider-Man reflexes."
JOST: When reporters asked about another leaked text message showing Kirk saying he was abandoning the pro-Israel cause just days before the assassination, they were told, quote, "Shut up, this story is bad for the midterm elections."
CHE: (to audience) Y'all hearing this? They're not even denying anything anymore. They're just like, "Yeah, that's true, but can you not? We've got races to win."
JOST: But it's not all bad news! On a happier note, Turning Point USA has moved forward with their annual AmericaFest conference, complete with a massive pyrotechnic show—
CHE: Because nothing says "we're grieving" like fireworks.
JOST: The opening speech was given by Ben Shapiro, apparently indicating that the rift between him and Charlie Kirk has been completely resolved.
CHE: (sarcastically) "We worked it out. I mean, one of us is dead, but... water under the bridge."
JOST: Charlie's widow, Erika Kirk, also sat down for an interview with Nicki Minaj, signaling a complete reconciliation from when Charlie previously said Nicki was "not a good role model for Black girls." She's now apparently being presented as a good example of Christian values.
CHE: (laughing) Nicki Minaj! The woman who raps about—you know what, I'm not gonna say it on network TV. But let's just say the last time Nicki Minaj and "Christian values" were in the same sentence, it was probably in a sermon about what not to do.
JOST: And finally, as a sign that TPUSA has truly moved on in the grieving process, they've set up a replica of the tent where Charlie Kirk was assassinated so that conference attendees can take selfies and, quote, "relive that moment for themselves and preserve their cherished memories."
CHE: (long beat, staring at Jost) I'm sorry, what?
JOST: A selfie tent. At the assassination site. Complete with a ring light.
CHE: (to camera) A RING LIGHT! They put up the murder tent with a ring light so you can get good lighting for your trauma tourism! That is INSANE!
JOST: The tent includes the slogan "Prove Me Wrong"—
CHE: (laughing in disbelief) Man, I can't even think of a joke! They've got people lining up like it's Space Mountain! "Hey honey, get a picture of me where the activist got shot! Make sure you get my good side!"
JOST: Several MAGA figures have called the display disturbing—
CHE: Ya think?! Even they're like, "This is too much!" When you've gone too far for the MAGA crowd, you've really achieved something special.
JOST: Colin Jost, Michael Che, everyone!
CHE: (shaking his head) This country is cooked, man. We're absolutely cooked.
JOST: Weekend Update!
[FADE OUT]
[Disclaimer: This is a satirical sketch based on the premise provided and does not reflect SNL's actual coverage or views.]
