How Many More People Would Be Married Right Now If It Wasn't For Long Distances?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

A few months ago, I was able to catch up with a couple I know who met online, but were in different countries across the world from each other. They are married now, but after listening to their story, I marveled at all the time, patience, prayers, and resources (travel costs, endless fees, court documents, etc.) that were needed to make this marriage happen. While they are very happy together, I think they would be the first to admit that it was a pure string of miracles from God that allowed them to be together.

Many of the other singles I talk to these days have either: been or are interested in someone who is very far away; have attempted or are attempting a relationship with someone who is a long distance away from them; or, were/are still in a long-distance relationship and trying to figure out a way to be closer to each other or even marry.

With the internet making it possible to literally meet someone from anywhere in the world, it seems that many single people who spend much time chatting online have met someone they were interested in -- but distance got in the way.

I have often wondered if this is God's current intent for many singles -- does God really want us to meet someone we could potentially marry, but have that person be literally half the world away? (And of course, for some people, living even an hour away from each other might be as challenging as living on opposite sides of the galaxy.)

Does God expect us to trust Him to overcome all these hurdles (time, transportation, trust, major expense, etc.) and marry anyway? Or does He want most of us to cut away the heartstrings we've accumulated, sometimes after years of connection, and just keep going until we meet someone... closer?

I don't think there are any right or wrong answers here (but I could be wrong.) This thread is just meant to start a discussion about thoughts and experiernces such as:

* What do you define as being a "long distance", and have you or would you try to make a long-distance relationship work?

* How much would you put into a long-distance relationship and why? (I realize this depends on how serious it is, but that's also a big component to this topic -- if you're interested in someone far away, how much time, effort, and money would you have to put into getting to know them in order to KNOW that it was "serious"?)

* Do you think you would you be married now if it wasn't for distance? Are you still hanging on, or did you have to let a long-distance situation go?

* Has distance ever worked in your favor? (Did God save you from a bad relationship or situation because it was so far away?)

I am also going to include a poll that will hopefully give us an idea of how many readers/posters have been affected by distance in their quest to find a spouse. Poll answers will be multiple choice and anonymous, so any answers you give will be private. However, I hope you'll come back and share your stories in the thread!

All thoughts are welcome and thank you in advance for sharing!

 

[NightTwister]

I dated a Turkish gal who lived in Munich, Germany a few years ago. She said she understood English, but I later learned she really didn't. We used Google Translate to communicate. In the end, it turned out she was much better from afar.

 

[Karlon]

none of the above for me but back in the mid 80's, i had a long distance girlfriend for about 5 months. it was a 2 hour & 10 minute ride, 1 way, to see her.

 

[seoulsearch]

I dated a Turkish gal who lived in Munich, Germany a few years ago. She said she understood English, but I later learned she really didn't. We used Google Translate to communicate. In the end, it turned out she was much better from afar.

I had a friend who was "dating" a woman in another country via the internet -- long before the days of Google translate and at a time when online catfishing was just beginning to be exposed.

He went all the way there to meet her, only to find she didn't speak any English. She'd been using a friend to help her talk to him, and who knows what the money he sent her for "English lessons" actually went to.

Eventually he did marry a terrific woman from another country but I think most couples who date/marry internationally are not prepared for what it's actually going to take.

I've known a few couples in this situation and they've gone through a myriad of legal challenges that have left them drained in every possible way. It also usually meant that the "imported" spouse unable to legally work for years, leaving them reliant on just the host spouse's income for a very long time, if not indefinitely.

Then of course, there are all the cultural issues (the working spouse might be expected to send money to the international spouse's family, and/or pay for their mother-in-law to come live with them for some time after the first child is born, etc.) I knew of another young guy -- the youth pastor at my parent's old church -- who married a girl in another country, but he had to come home without her -- and was still fighting to be able to bring her here 2 years later, with no end to the legal battle in sight. In the meantime, whether due to legal issues or cost or both, he was not able to go back to see her.

I can't imagine getting married, being forced to come home without my spouse, then going through years of legal expenses -- only to wonder if I'd ever see my own spouse again.

I give kudos to all the couples who have navigated this successfully, but I think most who push for the "find yourself a good traditional spouse in another country" don't really know what they're up against.

It's ironic to me that there seems to be a strong call to find women with "old-fashioned family values" in other countries -- but don't seem to realize that having someone maintain those good family values will mean making sure they can stay close with their families. This means providing regular contact and visits with their family, especially when children come along. International travel and getting the time off to go on these family visits is far from cheap.

I understand why Western men are fed up with Western women draining their wallets -- but I don't think they realize that an international bride might winding up costing them several times more.

 

[tourist]

none of the above for me but back in the mid 80's, i had a long distance girlfriend for about 5 months. it was a 2 hour & 10 minute ride, 1 way, to see her.

Sounds like an average round trip commute to work in Orlando, Florida. That amount of time is negligible unless you lacked transportation.

 

[NightTwister]

I had a friend who was "dating" a woman in another country via the internet -- long before the days of Google translate and at a time when online catfishing was just beginning to be exposed.

He went all the way there to meet her, only to find she didn't speak any English. She'd been using a friend to help her talk to him, and who knows what the money he sent her for "English lessons" actually went to.

Eventually he did marry a terrific woman from another country but I think most couples who date/marry internationally are not prepared for what it's actually going to take.

I've known a few couples in this situation and they've gone through a myriad of legal challenges that have left them drained in every possible way. It also usually meant that the "imported" spouse unable to legally work for years, leaving them reliant on just the host spouse's income for a very long time, if not indefinitely.

Then of course, there are all the cultural issues (the working spouse might be expected to send money to the international spouse's family, and/or pay for their mother-in-law to come live with them for some time after the first child is born, etc.) I knew of another young guy -- the youth pastor at my parent's old church -- who married a girl in another country, but he had to come home without her -- and was still fighting to be able to bring her here 2 years later, with no end to the legal battle in sight. In the meantime, whether due to legal issues or cost or both, he was not able to go back to see her.

I can't imagine getting married, being forced to come home without my spouse, then going through years of legal expenses -- only to wonder if I'd ever see my own spouse again.

I give kudos to all the couples who have navigated this successfully, but I think most who push for the "find yourself a good traditional spouse in another country" don't really know what they're up against.

It's ironic to me that there seems to be a strong call to find women with "old-fashioned family values" in other countries -- but don't seem to realize that having someone maintain those good family values will mean making sure they can stay close with their families. This means providing regular contact and visits with their family, especially when children come along. International travel and getting the time off to go on these family visits is far from cheap.

I understand why Western men are fed up with Western women draining their wallets -- but I don't think they realize that an international bride might winding up costing them several times more.

I never sent money. I did fly to Munich and met her in person for a couple of days before I continued on to Italy & Spain. This is when I found out she really didn't speak English. Interesting fact, Germans cannot say the word "squirrel." The visit went well, and I ended up flying her out to stay with me for a couple of weeks during the Christmas holidays. That also went well. Late the next Spring I traveled out to Europe again to do a two-week driving tour of Italy with her. This is where the wheels fell off. She turned out to be a very mean, awful person. I ended it after I got home from that trip.

 

[Edith]

Hello Seoul
hope you are doing well dear.
I have never had a long distance relationship.

But if it would take that for me to finally have my soulmate, so be it.

 

[Edith]

I never sent money. I did fly to Munich and met her in person for a couple of days before I continued on to Italy & Spain. This is when I found out she really didn't speak English. Interesting fact, Germans cannot say the word "squirrel." The visit went well, and I ended up flying her out to stay with me for a couple of weeks during the Christmas holidays. That also went well. Late the next Spring I traveled out to Europe again to do a two-week driving tour of Italy with her. This is where the wheels fell off. She turned out to be a very mean, awful person. I ended it after I got home from that trip.

oh no it started off well

 

[Edith]

In the end, it turned out she was much better from afar

She turned out to be a very mean, awful person. I ended it after I got home from that trip.

For a long distance relationship it is necessary to READ IN BETWEEN THE LINES. please this is not good in human relationships but for long distance it is good because people always reveal their true self when they speak. Behind the words of a person stands the true version of that person.

If you go through the everyday chat here you will discover who every one is, not at 100percent but at least you will be able to decern.

 

[NightTwister]

For a long distance relationship it is necessary to READ IN BETWEEN THE LINES. please this is not good in human relationships but for long distance it is good because people always reveal their true self when they speak. Behind the words of a person stands the true version of that person.

If you go through the everyday chat here you will discover who every one is, not at 100percent but at least you will be able to decern.

When there's a language barrier like there was with this one, there's a lot of opportunity to misunderstand. Phrases don't translate 1:1, so you have to take a lot of care. People can pretend to be someone else for a while, but eventually they can't keep hiding who they really are.

 

[Edith]

When there's a language barrier like there was with this one, there's a lot of opportunity to misunderstand. Phrases don't translate 1:1, so you have to take a lot of care. People can pretend to be someone else for a while, but eventually they can't keep hiding who they really are.

yeah you are right

 

[seoulsearch]

When there's a language barrier like there was with this one, there's a lot of opportunity to misunderstand. Phrases don't translate 1:1, so you have to take a lot of care. People can pretend to be someone else for a while, but eventually they can't keep hiding who they really are.

This would be my biggest concern with a long-distance relationship -- especially one overseas.

How much time, money, and heartache will it take to determine someone really is who they say they are? And even then, we all have quirks, moodiness, values, etc. that will only reveal themselves in time.

It's easy enough to hide a lot of things even when it's not long-distance. I've been listening to stories of people who have dated someone for months -- only to eventually figure out they're homeless -- and are latching on to someone for survival (with no intention to work or help in anyway.)

I can't even imagine trying to figure all the complications out behind a keyboard and across continents.

These days, if I should meet someone where there is a mutual interest, I'll try to pray that God would show what we each needed to know about each other that would be a make it or break it issue, because no one wants to waste their time or resources on a no-go.

 

[cinder]

Let's see questions first:

I think there's two levels of long distance: level one - you can pretty easily arrange it to spend weekends together, but if you end up together one of you is going to have to pack up leave your life and start your day to day life over in a new place this is anywhere from about 90 minutes to 6 hours apart depending on personal temperments. level two - a distance so far that you find it difficult to spend much time together on a regular basis so all the challenges of level one plus you don't even get to see that much of each other in person.

As for how much I'd put into a long distance relationship - I'm a pretty serious person and wouldn't see the point of getting into an LDR if I wasn't pretty serious about it. But my level of serious would probably involve figuring out how to move or get the SO to move so that the relationship was no longer long distance; gotta guard my heart at least a bit until that happens.

I've never been close to being married and I don't think distance is the main reason for that (spending my mid 20's to mid 30's focused on missions trips instead of settling down might be the main reason for that). But since I'm still rather ambivalent the combination of me and marriage, doesn't seem like a big loss.

 

[NightTwister]

This would be my biggest concern with a long-distance relationship -- especially one overseas.

How much time, money, and heartache will it take to determine someone really is who they say they are? And even then, we all have quirks, moodiness, values, etc. that will only reveal themselves in time.

It's easy enough to hide a lot of things even when it's not long-distance. I've been listening to stories of people who have dated someone for months -- only to eventually figure out they're homeless -- and are latching on to someone for survival (with no intention to work or help in anyway.)

I can't even imagine trying to figure all the complications out behind a keyboard and across continents.

These days, if I should meet someone where there is a mutual interest, I'll try to pray that God would show what we each needed to know about each other that would be a make it or break it issue, because no one wants to waste their time or resources on a no-go.

I met my 3rd wife in church. It was 12 years before I found out she had 19 personalities. I still tried to make it work but when she physically attacked one of our kids I ended it. It cost me a lot for years, but it was worth it to protect my kids. There are no guarantees, unfortunately.

 

[seoulsearch]

I met my 3rd wife in church. It was 12 years before I found out she had 19 personalities. I still tried to make it work but when she physically attacked one of our kids I ended it. It cost me a lot for years, but it was worth it to protect my kids. There are no guarantees, unfortunately.

I always appreciate what you share, NightTwister.

It seems like we singles are so often told, "Just pray about it! Be sure you pick the right person! Let God choose your future spouse! Find someone in church!" As if we all couldn't figure that out on our own, and as if it's sure-fire, because if anything goes wrong, our whole life is analyzed and picked apart to point out all the things we did wrong that caused a split.

But no matter how "perfectly" any of us try to do something, as you demonstrate here, there are no guarantees -- especially with things like substance abuse (how many people are addicted to prescribed substances at that,) and mental illness running rampant.

I am definitely of the belief that if staying is a danger to me or others involved (most especially children,) I am leaving as soon as I can, and will just have to deal with whatever punishment God has for me because of it.

(I add this because many Christians believe that abuse/danger to family well-being isn't specifically mentioned, God doesn't allow it as a reason to divorce.)

I would just have to let God decide, and deal with me accordingly.

I am very sorry for your loss, but also very glad that you got yourself and your children to safety.

 

[NightTwister]

I always appreciate what you share, NightTwister.

It seems like we singles are so often told, "Just pray about it! Be sure you pick the right person! Let God choose your future spouse! Find someone in church!" As if we all couldn't figure that out on our own, and as if it's sure-fire, because if anything goes wrong, our whole life is analyzed and picked apart to point out all the things we did wrong that caused a split.

But no matter how "perfectly" any of us try to do something, as you demonstrate here, there are no guarantees -- especially with things like substance abuse (how many people are addicted to prescribed substances at that,) and mental illness running rampant.

I am definitely of the belief that if staying is a danger to me or others involved (most especially children,) I am leaving as soon as I can, and will just have to deal with whatever punishment God has for me because of it.

(I add this because many Christians believe that abuse/danger to family well-being isn't specifically mentioned, God doesn't allow it as a reason to divorce.)

I would just have to let God decide, and deal with me accordingly.

I am very sorry for your loss, but also very glad that you got yourself and your children to safety.

Abuse is abandonment. Period. Full stop. The abuser is not a Christian. You are never bound in this circumstance.

 

[Lynx]

You're so far away

Long ago I reached for you
And there you stood
Holding you again
Could only do me good
How I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it
Being close to you

But you're so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
It doesn't help to know
That you're so far away

-Carol King

 

[Edith]

You're so far away

Long ago I reached for you
And there you stood
Holding you again
Could only do me good
How I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it
Being close to you

But you're so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
It doesn't help to know
That you're so far away

-Carol King

i wish someone will send me this kind of poem not the long distance thing just a poem. I turn to feel very lonely during the Christmas season. And I am spending this Christmas alone. Lynx please tell carol to write another one for me that says oh lonely Christmas

 

[OLDBUTNEW]

OR: I'm already married!

 

[Lynx]

i wish someone will send me this kind of poem not the long distance thing just a poem. I turn to feel very lonely during the Christmas season. And I am spending this Christmas alone. Lynx please tell carol to write another one for me that says oh lonely Christmas

Oh Randy Stonehill wrote that one. Christmas at Denny's.

Denny's is a cheap restaurant here in the USA. The song is about some people who don't have any family to spend Christmas with, so they go eat supper and hang out at the local Denny's. It's rather a depressing song.

And I'm dreaming about
A silent night
A holy night
When things were all right
And I'm dreaming about
How my life could have been
If only
If only
If only

But somewhere down the road
I gave up that fight

Merry Christmas
It's Christmas at Denny's tonight