What's the story about dating?

[AnOldLady]

What does dating mean? What does it accomplish? What ways could dating be improved to be more effective?

I'm an old lady re-entering a field of singleness and (lol) man-hunting (using that term after recent posts that I found hilarious). I had to face the fact that I'm clueless about dating. I lived most of my life not dating, other than those crazy teen years when your parents first allowed me to double-date and it was usually to a movie with my best girlfriend and two male classmates, with all of us being clueless as to how the rest of our lives was supposed to proceed.

Could we use this thread to explore ideas about what works and what doesn't? I appreciate analytical thinking as well as humor, so have at it, friends.

 

[Levib]

In the 2000’s we started with, ASL?

 

[Lynx]

In the 2000’s we started with, ASL?

Ah, memories...

Back in the day I had an automated pop-up that replied to ASL? requests with "2047/Neutral/Xyphos, a planet in the Antria Nebula."

They would of course automatically question this. That started a whole conversation where I explained that there were actually four genders on Xyphos, but none of them correspond directly to the male/female that you humans have. And Xyphos spins around its primary star so fast that our "year" is a good bit shorter than your year, so I'm only somewhere above 20 in your earth years.

Theh underlying message was that I don't give out my ASL because that's a cruddy basis for determining whether you will talk to somebody in an online chat room. If you won't talk to me unless I'm the right age, the opposite gender and close enough to date, I don't want to talk to you anyway.

 

[Levib]

In the early days we couldn’t share pictures/video so there was less to eliminate people with. No politics ect…

 

[Edward429451]

In my day we had to go into the wild and find our own. There was no automated application leave your info and breast size and your call will be returned! It took a bit of cash to go girl hunting but now I suppose a guy could stay home and screen them online for free now, and I've never clicked on any of that. But there's 1001 more lies to wade through than in person I bet!

There isn't any way that I would seek a wife and companion on some dating site where you can expect nothing to be real and it's all about the money. Dating is not Courting any more and it can't be done online for sure. Every time I've went out looking for girls (in my youth) I always met girls but never the right kind! It was always when I wasnt looking for girls that I'd accidently meet nice girls, so I married that one lol. Are us babyboomers the last generation to hunt mates in the wild? I wasn't looking for a mate when I found my (ex) wife. I was working making money. I ran a Hot Dog cart and we was at the 4th of July fireworks display, and she was there to help her Polish friend (and mine) that worked there too. So when I seen her I said hey Jerzy introduce me to your friend! So he went over to ask her if she wanted to meet that boy over there? And pointed me out but she thought he meant a different boy so said yes! And here I came over instead of the guy she liked, lol. And once I was there, there was no defense to my romantic charm. So I spilled some of my beer on her shoes cuz I was a little tipsy, and married her! Our first date was to go shooting 22 rifles and she had a blast and stayed for 26 years then jumped ship, Americanized lol.

But I had a good marriage so I noticed how peaceful the house is when for pushing 30 years of loudness and family crises of the day. Nope, I don't even want to consider marriage again. If God wants me to be married again then he's going to have to have her knock on my door. I've been asked out by women 4 times since I moved here, I must look like a guy with a job? Lol. So I toned down my dress and dress poor. It's like a disguise I think. Hasnt happened lately!

There aint no way any female I meet online could ever step in my house. Dating & Courting is done in person and not anyway else. Look me in the eye sweetheart when you talk! There's a spiritual dynamic that happens between boys & girls if it is in person, body language and personal space become a connection with the other spirit and will be either negative or positive. I noticed the difference while still young and played on it for fun. It's not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. But with over 8 billion people on earth there will be lots of no's and lots of yes's so never be discouraged and step up there into the girls personal space and look her in the eye and her spirit will likely freak. They love that stuff. But remember! You aint romantic until girls say it off the cuff and you're not really an expert until they tell you that you are.

Ah the good ol' days, the 80's was good to me.

 

[seoulsearch]

What does dating mean? What does it accomplish? What ways could dating be improved to be more effective?

I'm an old lady re-entering a field of singleness and (lol) man-hunting (using that term after recent posts that I found hilarious). I had to face the fact that I'm clueless about dating. I lived most of my life not dating, other than those crazy teen years when your parents first allowed me to double-date and it was usually to a movie with my best girlfriend and two male classmates, with all of us being clueless as to how the rest of our lives was supposed to proceed.

Could we use this thread to explore ideas about what works and what doesn't? I appreciate analytical thinking as well as humor, so have at it, friends.

Hi Lady,

We are happy to have you here! I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.

When I joined this site in 2009, I think the average ages of people posting in Singles was around mid-20's to (gasp, because this seemed old to them at the time,) maybe 50's. I'd guess most back then were right around 30 or in their early 30's. It's been interesting to see the landscape shift over time. I could be wrong, but now days I think posters in Singles are around 35 - 60's+, with most being close to 40's - 50's.

I heard a fascinating sermon a few months ago in which the (married) pastor said it's projected that a time is coming up fast when 60% of people in churches will be single -- whether due to death, divorce, or having never been married -- and that if the church doesn't learn to adapt, it won't survive.

But what I appreciated most is that he stated up front that the single 20-something is in a much different situation than the single 70-something. This is one of the most frustrating things I find as a single who is also getting older -- we're always patted on the head and given the same "pep talks" as those in their 20's -- as if we're all the same.

I think God kind of built me for this time of meeting people digitally. I grew writing paper letters to people -- then meeting some of them in person -- and this was long before the days of the internet, before you could do any background checks. So to me, getting to know people online, albeit over LONG periods of time (several years,) then going to meet them in person, feels natural to me. It's just something I've been doing in one way or the other all my life.

I've always hated the phrase, "only date to marry." It always made me uncomfortable because, and we're all adults here -- if someone is "dating you to marry," they're also looking you up and down, sizing you up forwards and backwards -- and wondering if they would be happy having sex with you. I've always hated that, because I do NOT want to be thinking in that direction -- or for THEM to think about ME in that way -- when I barely know the person and am just starting to learn more about them.

I don't even really think about "dating" as a term anymore -- I just try to go where God wants and do what He's leading me to do -- and if I meet some cool people in the process, I'm just living out my life. And if I meet someone special I want to know more about, and he wants to get to know/spend a little more time talking to me, praise God and I hope it will go His way.

I am thankful that God has sent me on a few adventures over the years, but so far, it's all resulted in friendships -- which have been wonderful blessings that I would never wanted to have missed out on. All I want to do is be able to be myself around people as I go about life.

Sometimes I do get very depressed about being alone -- but I usually ask God to send me on another adventure (which is usually just talking to someone who needs a listening ear, or participating in some kind of new-to-me area of serving.)

Most times, He keeps me busy enough that I don't have time to think about being quite so sad. But when I am, I'm thankful to have other singles I can talk to who can relate.

Please keep posting, Lady!

It's awesome that you're posting your own threads -- most don't do that -- and I'm looking forward to seeing more of what's on your mind.

 

[AnOldLady]

In the 2000’s we started with, ASL?

I had to look this one up. My first thought was Amerian Sign Language, but that didn't fit the context. Thanks for teaching me a new acronym.

 

[AnOldLady]

Hi Lady,

We are happy to have you here! I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.

When I joined this site in 2009, I think the average ages of people posting in Singles was around mid-20's to (gasp, because this seemed old to them at the time,) maybe 50's. I'd guess most back then were right around 30 or in their early 30's. It's been interesting to see the landscape shift over time. I could be wrong, but now days I think posters in Singles are around 35 - 60's+, with most being close to 40's - 50's.

I heard a fascinating sermon a few months ago in which the (married) pastor said it's projected that a time is coming up fast when 60% of people in churches will be single -- whether due to death, divorce, or having never been married -- and that if the church doesn't learn to adapt, it won't survive.

But what I appreciated most is that he stated up front that the single 20-something is in a much different situation than the single 70-something. This is one of the most frustrating things I find as a single who is also getting older -- we're always patted on the head and given the same "pep talks" as those in their 20's -- as if we're all the same.

I think God kind of built me for this time of meeting people digitally. I grew writing paper letters to people -- then meeting some of them in person -- and this was long before the days of the internet, before you could do any background checks. So to me, getting to know people online, albeit over LONG periods of time (several years,) then going to meet them in person, feels natural to me. It's just something I've been doing in one way or the other all my life.

I've always hated the phrase, "only date to marry." It always made me uncomfortable because, and we're all adults here -- if someone is "dating you to marry," they're also looking you up and down, sizing you up forwards and backwards -- and wondering if they would be happy having sex with you. I've always hated that, because I do NOT want to be thinking in that direction -- or for THEM to think about ME in that way -- when I barely know the person and am just starting to learn more about them.

I don't even really think about "dating" as a term anymore -- I just try to go where God wants and do what He's leading me to do -- and if I meet some cool people in the process, I'm just living out my life. And if I meet someone special I want to know more about, and he wants to get to know/spend a little more time talking to me, praise God and I hope it will go His way.

I am thankful that God has sent me on a few adventures over the years, but so far, it's all resulted in friendships -- which have been wonderful blessings that I would never wanted to have missed out on. All I want to do is be able to be myself around people as I go about life.

Sometimes I do get very depressed about being alone -- but I usually ask God to send me on another adventure (which is usually just talking to someone who needs a listening ear, or participating in some kind of new-to-me area of serving.)

Most times, He keeps me busy enough that I don't have time to think about being quite so sad. But when I am, I'm thankful to have other singles I can talk to who can relate.

Please keep posting, Lady!

It's awesome that you're posting your own threads -- most don't do that -- and I'm looking forward to seeing more of what's on your mind.

I enjoyed your reply, Seoulsearch. I just upped the average age by 10 years, lol!

 

[Edward429451]

Hi Lady,

We are happy to have you here! I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.

When I joined this site in 2009, I think the average ages of people posting in Singles was around mid-20's to (gasp, because this seemed old to them at the time,) maybe 50's. I'd guess most back then were right around 30 or in their early 30's. It's been interesting to see the landscape shift over time. I could be wrong, but now days I think posters in Singles are around 35 - 60's+, with most being close to 40's - 50's.

I heard a fascinating sermon a few months ago in which the (married) pastor said it's projected that a time is coming up fast when 60% of people in churches will be single -- whether due to death, divorce, or having never been married -- and that if the church doesn't learn to adapt, it won't survive.

But what I appreciated most is that he stated up front that the single 20-something is in a much different situation than the single 70-something. This is one of the most frustrating things I find as a single who is also getting older -- we're always patted on the head and given the same "pep talks" as those in their 20's -- as if we're all the same.

I think God kind of built me for this time of meeting people digitally. I grew writing paper letters to people -- then meeting some of them in person -- and this was long before the days of the internet, before you could do any background checks. So to me, getting to know people online, albeit over LONG periods of time (several years,) then going to meet them in person, feels natural to me. It's just something I've been doing in one way or the other all my life.

I've always hated the phrase, "only date to marry." It always made me uncomfortable because, and we're all adults here -- if someone is "dating you to marry," they're also looking you up and down, sizing you up forwards and backwards -- and wondering if they would be happy having sex with you. I've always hated that, because I do NOT want to be thinking in that direction -- or for THEM to think about ME in that way -- when I barely know the person and am just starting to learn more about them.

I don't even really think about "dating" as a term anymore -- I just try to go where God wants and do what He's leading me to do -- and if I meet some cool people in the process, I'm just living out my life. And if I meet someone special I want to know more about, and he wants to get to know/spend a little more time talking to me, praise God and I hope it will go His way.

I am thankful that God has sent me on a few adventures over the years, but so far, it's all resulted in friendships -- which have been wonderful blessings that I would never wanted to have missed out on. All I want to do is be able to be myself around people as I go about life.

Sometimes I do get very depressed about being alone -- but I usually ask God to send me on another adventure (which is usually just talking to someone who needs a listening ear, or participating in some kind of new-to-me area of serving.)

Most times, He keeps me busy enough that I don't have time to think about being quite so sad. But when I am, I'm thankful to have other singles I can talk to who can relate.

Please keep posting, Lady!

It's awesome that you're posting your own threads -- most don't do that -- and I'm looking forward to seeing more of what's on your mind.

The way I figure it, everything on earth is types and shadows of things in heaven. Including Marriage Covenant and relationship! I was married once on earth so I got my lesson in how to treat people and be married. So I don't really need another one at this point. I miss her cooking, lol! But that's all and I'm not lonely. Me and my dog and the Lord is all that lives here besides a few Angels also so who's lonely? There's bigger fish to fry and time is short.

Right now all a new wife could give me is drama and distraction from the Lord and I learned that during those years and it would be the same again if I got married because of the Official Obligations that wives bring. (That sure was a lot of Yes, Honey's all those years. Lol!.

I'm free now. This morning I took a whizz with the door open and didn't get yelled at!

 

[AnOldLady]

The way I figure it, everything on earth is types and shadows of things in heaven. Including Marriage Covenant and relationship! I was married once on earth so I got my lesson in how to treat people and be married. So I don't really need another one at this point. I miss her cooking, lol! But that's all and I'm not lonely. Me and my dog and the Lord is all that lives here besides a few Angels also so who's lonely? There's bigger fish to fry and time is short.

Right now all a new wife could give me is drama and distraction from the Lord and I learned that during those years and it would be the same again if I got married because of the Official Obligations that wives bring. (That sure was a lot of Yes, Honey's all those years. Lol!.

I'm free now. This morning I took a whizz with the door open and didn't get yelled at!

Somehow, my dear Edward, the concepts of the kingdom that marriage is a type and shadow of in heaven juxtapositioned with a man whizzing with the door open remind me of a line from Sesame Street where the puppets sang about "one of these things is not like the other." Other than that, you made good sense in your post and I can appreciate your opinion.

 

[Edward429451]

Somehow, my dear Edward, the concepts of the kingdom that marriage is a type and shadow of in heaven juxtapositioned with a man whizzing with the door open remind me of a line from Sesame Street where the puppets sang about "one of these things is not like the other." Other than that, you made good sense in your post and I can appreciate your opinion.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset any of you ladies and you're right, it has nothing to do with the point I made. That was just me thinking back to my marriage. She used to yell at me when I did that.

 

[Lynx]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset any of you ladies and you're right, it has nothing to do with the point I made. That was just me thinking back to my marriage. She used to yell at me when I did that.

Keep preaching brother! That's the part that hit hardest for me. When you're not just unmarried, but truly alone, you can feel the freedom whenever you want.

I know this one guy who clipped one end of a hose pipe right under his workbench in his shop, and epoxied the other end directly into the local sewer line. Whenever he needed to go, he didn't have to go back in the house.

My father just moved back down here from kentucky. We are now both living in the same house. You know one thing we never have any drama about? Who left the toilet seat up! We both have eyes, we both have arms and we can both look at the situation and adjust to what we need whenever we need it. Put it up, put it down, put it up, put it down...

 

[CarriePie]

I've always hated the phrase, "only date to marry." It always made me uncomfortable because, and we're all adults here -- if someone is "dating you to marry," they're also looking you up and down, sizing you up forwards and backwards -- and wondering if they would be happy having sex with you. I've always hated that, because I do NOT want to be thinking in that direction -- or for THEM to think about ME in that way -- when I barely know the person and am just starting to learn more about them.

Ugh, yes! The "only date to marry" thing is definitely one of the biggest reasons I have never looked for a relationship or joined a dating site.
For me, I think it's due to more reasons than them wondering if they'd be happy having sex with me. It just seems like way too much pressure for various reasons.

 

[tourist]

Dating is the process of checking out a prospective relationship in regard to compatibility, shared views, intimacy, romance, etc. What it may or may not accomplish is a relationship that leads to marriage. Dating can be improved if you get your own life in order in regard to what you may have to offer to the one of your future heart's desires. Prayer is of paramount importance.

I was higher in years also when I re-entered a field of singleness. I was not really clueless as I learned a lot from my previous two marriages. Met my current (and last wife) on this site. It's been wonderful so far and more than I hoped for.

You reach a point in your life on whether you know what you want or you don't. My own personal policy is to never date someone that I would not consider marrying. To do so is a waste of precious time and resources. I don't believe in long engagements either, because, as I have said, you either know what you what or you don't.

If you know that you are ready to explore the possibility of ending your singleness don't waste more precious time waiting for Mr. or Ms. perfect as such a person does not exist.

Very important to accept the person for who they are and what they are about. Don't expect any major change in how a person thinks or acts. If you can't accept this then that person is probably not suitable for you.

Most important is for the two of you to be in agreement on the major spiritual and biblical points. In other words, you both must love God and realize that ultimately you were placed on earth to serve God. A husband and wife do this in a major way in taking care of each other, putting the other's needs above your wants.

Again, don't wait until the situation is absolutely perfect in all ways, waiting for all the lights to be green, and all of the I's dotted and T's crossed. If so, prepare to spend the rest of your life alone.

It has been quite an adventure and journey for me since I remarried and now have a wonderful, spiritual wife who loves God with all of her heart. She loves me too. We both have love in our hearts that was provided by God to share with each other. We will be celebrating our 11th anniversary on Thanksgiving Day. We both have a lot to be thankful for.

You just never know who you are going to meet. Pray for God to be ready to act decisively if such an opportunity should present itself.

Matters of the heart are not for those that are tentative and timid.

Entering a relationship is a calculated risk. You have to shake the dice, let 'em fly, and let the chips fall where they may. It's all in the wrist (risk). For me, it was well worth the cost of admission. Perhaps, it will be for you too.

Maybe you will have quite the adventure too. Many such journeys are possible.

Safe Passage.

 

[tourist]

In the 2000’s we started with, ASL?

Age - Sex - Location

 

[tourist]

I had to look this one up. My first thought was Amerian Sign Language, but that didn't fit the context. Thanks for teaching me a new acronym.

American Sign Language can come in handy for those quite conversations. Some girl gave me the finger once. I got the message for sure and left in a hurry.

 

[Lynx]

I've always hated the phrase, "only date to marry." It always made me uncomfortable because, and we're all adults here -- if someone is "dating you to marry," they're also looking you up and down, sizing you up forwards and backwards -- and wondering if they would be happy having sex with you. I've always hated that, because I do NOT want to be thinking in that direction -- or for THEM to think about ME in that way -- when I barely know the person and am just starting to learn more about them.

Uh...

...

...

Hmm...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. That presupposes people are marrying only for sex.

To me "only date to marry" means "don't go out on dates with people you definitely have no intention of marrying, just as a way to pass the time." Some people think they have to have a date to go see a movie or try out that new restaurant. So they will grab any date who will go out with them, just for company. Personally I would feel that kind of date is a waste of my time and hers.

As for sex - I can only speak for myself of course, but that is not going to be a make or break for me in a relationship. If I meet a nice lady who is a quadriplegic and we decide we like each other, I would marry her. At the risk of being crude... I can take care of that need by myself if I have to. So if I ever do start dating a lady, sex is not one of my priorities. I will be far more interested in how she treats the waiter when he gets her order wrong.

 

[Lynx]

I should add: I am aware that it is the most common viewpoint. I do know that the vast majority of people who are going on a date are probably in fact sizing their partner up for whether they would be happy having sex with them.

But it's still just such an alien viewpoint to me. There are more important things in life... And I know so many people who have wrecked their lives marrying for that reason.

Oh well. Maybe someday I will meet the lady at the edge of the bell curve who is right for me. Or hopefully still be at least close enough to see the bell curve.

 

[cinder]

What does dating mean? What does it accomplish? What ways could dating be improved to be more effective?

I'm an old lady re-entering a field of singleness and (lol) man-hunting (using that term after recent posts that I found hilarious). I had to face the fact that I'm clueless about dating. I lived most of my life not dating, other than those crazy teen years when your parents first allowed me to double-date and it was usually to a movie with my best girlfriend and two male classmates, with all of us being clueless as to how the rest of our lives was supposed to proceed.

Could we use this thread to explore ideas about what works and what doesn't? I appreciate analytical thinking as well as humor, so have at it, friends.

Well I wanted to give you a overly analyzed not at all real world tested response, but here are some of the factors I think are at play and making things complicated about modern dating:

1) Too many choices - pre internet it was much more difficult to meet and date someone from far away, so you had all the people you and your siblings went to school with, people at church, and family friends and that was your dating pool. With such a small pool it made sense to lock in your best option quickly. Now the internet will serve up 50 new people from all corners of the world every day and you can be paralyzed by FOMO when it comes to deciding that someone is the best you can do.

2) Gender Role expansion and growth of services - This has two implications. Women no longer need a man to provide for them, they can go out and work most of the same jobs men can (and you don't see women lining up to be construction or oil rig workers) and men can hire people to cook and clean for them and decorate their homes. But also now our lives are more intertwined, a lot of people have a rule about not dating co-workers because if things don't work out you have to be around that person and work closely with them every day after the breakup or else breaking up also means leaving your job.

3) More social crossover - Along with some of the points mentioned above, men and women also mix much more often socially meaning that it's more difficult to know if an invite to a social event is a sign of interest or just someone being friendly and trying to include you with the group. Which means that our concepts have shifted from the event of going on a date as dating to the idea of being in a relationship with some sort of implied beyond friends status (which may not be the same between people) as dating. So people aren't asked on a single no strings attached date with a person, they're asked to choose a person to date repeatedly right off the bat.

4) Changing view of marriage - as alluded to earlier in the conversation "date to marry" makes a lot of sense when it's assumed that everyone wants to get married and marriage is the goal. But in a world that now accepts co-habitation and where far too many people have seen and experienced the disastrous outcomes of bad marriages, a lot of people are much more comfortable with playing married (living together and sharing a household, bed, etc) than they are being actually legally locked in to a marriage. Along with that far too many people have lost the idea that marriage is forever, which means they're more likely to bail when things get tough.

That's a lot of my pieces of diagnosis. I may post my personal solutions (what there are of them) in another post in the not too distant future.

 

[tourist]

I will be far more interested in how she treats the waiter when he gets her order wrong.

You raised a key point. If she treats others badly, she will most certainly treat you badly. Rudeness and mean-spirited would be deal breakers for me.