Question for ALL Of the Singles???

[33Michael33]

I Would Like to Hear from ALL Who are Comfortable to Share. Where are You at With being Even Remotely Comfortable with Dating after Going Through Whatever has Brought You to Christian Singleness???
For Me, I Opened Up My Heart Without Boundaries. And at 48 Years Old, I Have Realized that the Only Boundaries that I Have Ever Even Set for Myself in a Relationship was Monogamy. Even in Marriage. And so of Course, Even as a Grown Man, I Allowed Myself to be Treated like a Doormat. Which I Can Still Not Believe that I have Not Only Treated Myself that Way. That I let Others Treat Me that Way. And Also How I Have Treated Others as I Do not Claim to be Innocent. I Am a Person that Accepts ALL Of the Blame for Everything. And So it Seems Almost Impossible for Me to Open My Heart Up Again. And More Importantly to Me, The Last Thing that I Want to Do in this Life is to Ever Hurt Anyone Else Ever Again. I Know that God Knows My Heart. And When He Sends Me the Woman that He Has for Me, I Am going to have to be Convinced that He Sent Her. And She is going to Have to Convince Me as Well. I Thank Everyone in Advance that is Willing to Share...

 

[tourist]

My heart has been broken once or twice too so please know that you are not alone in this.

 

[JohnDB]

A good question is: How high demanding are you of a spouse?

How smart do they need to be?
How many talents do they need to have?
Do they need to be able to cook from scratch well?
How well do they need to be functional in social circles?
How often do they need to be with you at social functions?
Do they need to be able to travel a LOT?
Domestic or international?
Income level?

Theological compatibility?
Do you need them to bend to your denomination?

 

[33Michael33]

A good question is: How high demanding are you of a spouse?

How smart do they need to be?
How many talents do they need to have?
Do they need to be able to cook from scratch well?
How well do they need to be functional in social circles?
How often do they need to be with you at social functions?
Do they need to be able to travel a LOT?
Domestic or international?
Income level?

Theological compatibility?
Do you need them to bend to your denomination?

Honestly, None of those Boxes Have to Be Checked for Me. A Pure Heart for Jesus. Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty. And Everything Else Falls in to Place when God Brings us Together. To Love, And to Be Loved Equally.

 

[33Michael33]

A good question is: How high demanding are you of a spouse?

How smart do they need to be?
How many talents do they need to have?
Do they need to be able to cook from scratch well?
How well do they need to be functional in social circles?
How often do they need to be with you at social functions?
Do they need to be able to travel a LOT?
Domestic or international?
Income level?

Theological compatibility?
Do you need them to bend to your denomination?

This Actually Reads like this is what You May Be Looking for???

 

[33Michael33]

Honestly, None of those Boxes Have to Be Checked for Me. A Pure Heart for Jesus. Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty. And Everything Else Falls in to Place when God Brings us Together. To Love, And to Be Loved Equally.

And I Would like to Add that I am Not New to Relationships. I have been in a 2 Year, 4 Year, 6 1/2 Year, 18 Year, 15 Years of that Married. And a 3 Year after the Divorce. So, I like to Think that I Know something about Relationships. However, I Am Always still Learning...

 

[seoulsearch]

I Would Like to Hear from ALL Who are Comfortable to Share. Where are You at With being Even Remotely Comfortable with Dating after Going Through Whatever has Brought You to Christian Singleness???
For Me, I Opened Up My Heart Without Boundaries. And at 48 Years Old, I Have Realized that the Only Boundaries that I Have Ever Even Set for Myself in a Relationship was Monogamy. Even in Marriage. And so of Course, Even as a Grown Man, I Allowed Myself to be Treated like a Doormat. Which I Can Still Not Believe that I have Not Only Treated Myself that Way. That I let Others Treat Me that Way. And Also How I Have Treated Others as I Do not Claim to be Innocent. I Am a Person that Accepts ALL Of the Blame for Everything. And So it Seems Almost Impossible for Me to Open My Heart Up Again. And More Importantly to Me, The Last Thing that I Want to Do in this Life is to Ever Hurt Anyone Else Ever Again. I Know that God Knows My Heart. And When He Sends Me the Woman that He Has for Me, I Am going to have to be Convinced that He Sent Her. And She is going to Have to Convince Me as Well. I Thank Everyone in Advance that is Willing to Share...

Hi Michael,

I hope you won't be discouraged if people aren't answering your questions as much or as soon as you would like. Unfortunately, over the years, the forums here have slowed down (so much competition from other sites and chat apps); it's also earlier in the week (many people are busy with work and usually answer more towards the weekend,) and many of the singles who have been here a while have talked about these points so much, they might not say much else about it.

I just wanted to explain this because I'm always sad to see newcomers try their best to start integrating with the community, only to get (understandably) discouraged and leave if they don't think anyone is hearing them.

Many of us here are in very different stages, and as you spend time here, you'll get to know several people and their stories.

As for myself, my heartbreak was years ago but in some ways is ongoing. I kind of gave up on the dating scene to be honest, as I don't have many encouraging stories to share about it, lol, but the one great thing is that I've made some awesome friendships along the way. I know that might not seem encouraging to those hoping to find a spouse, but right now, it's the only answer I have.

We really never know what God may have for us though. Over the weekend, I talked with a wonderful married couple who met on this site but are no longer here -- I'm just thankful we have remained friends. They are very joyfully married BUT, it hasn't been easy. They've gone through a world of hurdles (which is their own story to tell) and I can't say I could have dealt with all that they've been through even half as well as they have.

So... There are never any absolutes. I've known a lot of married couples who have been through so much heartbreak (and are still going through it,) that it actually sometimes makes me glad to be single.

One thing most of us here do understand is the loneliness, confusion, and sometimes utter despair we find ourselves in waiting for the Lord. I'm learning that this is why the Bible tells us that God wants us to learn to be content in all seasons and situations of our lives, which is wonderfully practical advice -- but so often, heartbreakingly difficult to actually live out.

I wish you all the best and hope that you'll find some comfort in navigating your single journey right along with many of us here.

 

[33Michael33]

Hi Michael,

I hope you won't be discouraged if people aren't answering your questions as much or as soon as you would like. Unfortunately, over the years, the forums here have slowed down (so much competition from other sites and chat apps); it's also earlier in the week (many people are busy with work and usually answer more towards the weekend,) and many of the singles who have been here a while have talked about these points so much, they might not say much else about it.

I just wanted to explain this because I'm always sad to see newcomers try their best to start integrating with the community, only to get (understandably) discouraged and leave if they don't think anyone is hearing them.

Many of us here are in very different stages, and as you spend time here, you'll get to know several people and their stories.

As for myself, my heartbreak was years ago but in some ways is ongoing. I kind of gave up on the dating scene to be honest, as I don't have many encouraging stories to share about it, lol, but the one great thing is that I've made some awesome friendships along the way. I know that might not seem encouraging to those hoping to find a spouse, but right now, it's the only answer I have.

We really never know what God may have for us though. Over the weekend, I talked with a wonderful married couple who met on this site but are no longer here -- I'm just thankful we have remained friends. They are very joyfully married BUT, it hasn't been easy. They've gone through a world of hurdles (which is their own story to tell) and I can't say I could have dealt with all that they've been through even half as well as they have.

So... There are never any absolutes. I've known a lot of married couples who have been through so much heartbreak (and are still going through it,) that it actually sometimes makes me glad to be single.

One thing most of us here do understand is the loneliness, confusion, and sometimes utter despair we find ourselves in waiting for the Lord. I'm learning that this is why the Bible tells us that God wants us to learn to be content in all seasons and situations of our lives, which is wonderfully practical advice -- but so often, heartbreakingly difficult to actually live out.

I wish you all the best and hope that you'll find some comfort in navigating your single journey right along with many of us here.

Thank You for Your Genuine Compassion and Kindness. I Understand and Thank You for the Transparency Regarding the Site. Some Have Shared Even More than I Have to Help Me Through Their Testimony. And I Am Very Grateful. I do not want to try to rush anything anymore as I Know Exactly where that leads. Doing things my way instead of Gods way. This is the First Time in My Life that I am Actually learning to be patient and Fully Trusting in God for His Timing. And I Agree, As Much as I want the Lord to bring Her to me now. I also see the Peace that is in my life when I am content with Jesus without All the other distractions that come along with a relationship. Even if it is ALL GOOD. I Know that He has Brought Me to Singleness so that I can Become Closer to Him than Ever Before. When I do get out of My head long enough, The Magnificent Presence of the Holy Spirit is a Feeling of Peace and Protection like No Other. And I Have No Words to Describe how that Feels as I Know that I Am Not Worthy. I Thank God for His Neverending Grace. I need Jesus Every Second of Every Day. AMEN

 

[Edith]

A good question is: How high demanding are you of a spouse?

How smart do they need to be?
How many talents do they need to have?
Do they need to be able to cook from scratch well?
How well do they need to be functional in social circles?
How often do they need to be with you at social functions?
Do they need to be able to travel a LOT?
Domestic or international?
Income level?

Theological compatibility?
Do you need them to bend to your denomination?

I like the phrase theological compatibility. it is this point that has kept me this long in Singlehood. having that one person who beliefs like me and who does what I do or who is ok with what I do.

 

[Edith]

I Would Like to Hear from ALL Who are Comfortable to Share. Where are You at With being Even Remotely Comfortable with Dating after Going Through Whatever has Brought You to Christian Singleness???
For Me, I Opened Up My Heart Without Boundaries. And at 48 Years Old, I Have Realized that the Only Boundaries that I Have Ever Even Set for Myself in a Relationship was Monogamy. Even in Marriage. And so of Course, Even as a Grown Man, I Allowed Myself to be Treated like a Doormat. Which I Can Still Not Believe that I have Not Only Treated Myself that Way. That I let Others Treat Me that Way. And Also How I Have Treated Others as I Do not Claim to be Innocent. I Am a Person that Accepts ALL Of the Blame for Everything. And So it Seems Almost Impossible for Me to Open My Heart Up Again. And More Importantly to Me, The Last Thing that I Want to Do in this Life is to Ever Hurt Anyone Else Ever Again. I Know that God Knows My Heart. And When He Sends Me the Woman that He Has for Me, I Am going to have to be Convinced that He Sent Her. And She is going to Have to Convince Me as Well. I Thank Everyone in Advance that is Willing to Share...

Hello Micheal,
I have not been in many relationships but the ones I have been in were not bad but they didn't yield expected result. they all break my heartbut I picked them slowly and for about 10years I have dated no one and strangely I am stronger, however there are days the need to hold and to be held is stronger. sometimes I share them sometimes

 

[JohnDB]

I like the phrase theological compatibility. it is this point that has kept me this long in Singlehood. having that one person who beliefs like me and who does what I do or who is ok with what I do.

Now without a wagging finger or trying to beat you with my eyebrows. (Which are unfortunately growing more substantial day by day)

And also being understanding of some things you just can't compromise upon....

I'm only going to caution you to not be like so many and not extend grace for minor points of theology.

Like the whole preterist vx rapture vx pan millennialists.

The pharisees were so into their hand washing ceremonies that they measured the water they used to ceremonial washed their hands with. Of course they argued about how much water they should measure out....how many strokes on the front and backs and between the fingers or not. There was of course scriptural support for hand washing too.
But Jesus said "bah humbug, I ain't washing my hands" which was never gonna get him the much coveted Rabbi of the Year award that came with a gold plated Phylactery. Woo Hoo....

Now to be fair and honest....
I'm very very difficult to please with a spouse. I have a demand list that is extraordinarily long and difficult for most to fill. My items are all about compatibility. Like super high intelligence on a wide range of topics and logic skills surpassing most people. Then the talents are non-standardized as well. I'm a chef so cooking for her is out beyond basics in the modern era (heat and eat mostly). But she definitely needs other talents to bring to the table of this ministry tour I'm on. (Dead weight is not allowed)

And as far as theological compatibility, we weren't the same when I met my wife. But as I explained the scriptures she understood and was in agreement with the things I explained. I'm not demanding of her except for one thing. We go to church on Sundays. We make friends there and make it a integral part of our life. What am I gonna do after she fulfills my long and difficult list of demands that she needs to do naturally?

She is my best friend.....and love covers a lot of rough spots. During the quarantines we had a great time. Trapped inside our apartment...we didn't fuss. We had a LOT of fun doing things together.

We have projects we do together as well as independently...although both contribute what we can to the individual projects.

Just saying....I have an extremely long and unique list of demands that are simply described as non-standard. Not a Barbie, with a huge bust and an empty head. But, she has become just like me as the years have gone by. And we were talking about my demand list after church the other day. She didn't have one when we met. But she does now. There's a thing about fidelity....there's literally no one else out there that has anything we want. No one can fill my shoes for her and no one can fill her shoes for me. That's how it's supposed to be.

 

[JohnDB]

This Actually Reads like this is what You May Be Looking for???

Oh I found her....
Or
She found me.

You know how it is....you chase the girls until one of them catches you.

It's OK though....I got what I really really wanted and needed all along. I was fine with going it alone. But then one day.....

 

[JohnDB]

Honestly, None of those Boxes Have to Be Checked for Me. A Pure Heart for Jesus. Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty. And Everything Else Falls in to Place when God Brings us Together. To Love, And to Be Loved Equally.

Well,
Unless you are a soulless automaton without personality....you do require things out of a spouse.

You like particular foods, you dress with a particular style. You live in certain neighborhoods you find comfortable. No different than anyone else. You have preferences. There is nothing wrong at all with that.

We are talking about a life partner....someone whom enjoys your leadership as you two chase after Christ in your unique fashion and talents you bring to the table. You want her talents to compliment yours....however that may look like.

You may not have a list....because you never really thought about "WHO" you are in respect of others. How you customarily behave. Are you a home-body or always out meeting people? These things matter to life partners. You may not think in these terms but your friends can and will and your mamma will too sometimes about some things. (My parents were fairly dysfunctional and never really had a clue as to who I became once I was out from under their thumb)

Your list is fairly short....and you may not wish to share a more complete list on the internet. But there are some personality tests available that can help with identifying compatibility.

 

[kqr_anointed]

name me another book more christian than songs of solomon

 

[Lynx]

name me another book more christian than songs of solomon

Ecclesiastes. Definitely.

Actually I feel like both Ecc and SoS have the same root message in different ways. They both talk about different ways we have to address our core lack and need, and the result of those ways.

 

[33Michael33]

Hello Micheal,
I have not been in many relationships but the ones I have been in were not bad but they didn't yield expected result. they all break my heartbut I picked them slowly and for about 10years I have dated no one and strangely I am stronger, however there are days the need to hold and to be held is stronger. sometimes I share them sometimes

Thank You for Sharing. I Have Come to Realize just Recently that My before Overwhelming Desire to Have Someone to Hold is Now Overshadowed by My Even Deeper Desire to Hold the Right Woman that God Has for Me. I had to Accept the Fact that I Am Obviously not Capable of Knowing who She is On My Own. I Am Trusting the Lord this Time. However, I do Not want to Miss My Opportunity Either. Gods Perfect Timing. So, That is what I am Struggling with the most at the Moment. Questions like: "How hard should I try?" "Will God Bring Her to Me, Or Do I Need to Seek Her Out?" "What is the Proper way to know?" As I have chosen wrong apparently, Or was those Relationships set up by God to Mold Me into the Man that I am now to prepare Me for the Right One for Me and I the Right one for Her?

 

[Magenta]

Um, it is difficult to read what you're saying when you capitalize so very many random words.

 

[33Michael33]

Um, it is difficult to read what you're saying when you capitalize so very many random words.

I Understand that some people have issue reading my texts for that reason. It became a habit because I started Emphasizing certain words and then sometimes I just like the way it looks. I have even had women that I was dating tell me that it had to stop or the couldn't text me anymore. And now my autocorrect does it naturally and I have to, "manually autocorrect the autocorrect." I have wiped all learned words before and the still kept doing it. I may start to work on that, But keep in mind that I would be doing it for you and others, not for myself. As most people do not seem to be bothered by it. However, I can understand why and I am honestly surprised that no one else has said anything yet. But I did expect it. Just know that I don't take offense and I apologize if it offends you. That being said, I am not trying to be a hypocrite. When people type in all caps it bothers me. Not because of the so called, Yelling aspect of text. But because it is hard for me to read. So again, I understand. So, I may go back to being conscious of it. Thank You for your Honesty.

 

[Magenta]

I Understand that some people have issue reading my texts for that reason. It became a habit because I started Emphasizing certain words and then sometimes I just like the way it looks. I have even had women that I was dating tell me that it had to stop or the couldn't text me anymore. And now my autocorrect does it naturally and I have to, "manually autocorrect the autocorrect." I have wiped all learned words before and the still kept doing it. I may start to work on that, But keep in mind that I would be doing it for you and others, not for myself. As most people do not seem to be bothered by it. However, I can understand why and I am honestly surprised that no one else has said anything yet. But I did expect it. Just know that I don't take offense and I apologize if it offends you. That being said, I am not trying to be a hypocrite. When people type in all caps it bothers me. Not because of the so called, Yelling aspect of text. But because it is hard for me to read. So again, I understand. So, I may go back to being conscious of it. Thank You for your Honesty.

Thank you for understanding, and I am not offended in the least, it is just difficult to read. A little bit of it
would be okay but after a short while with so much of it, it becomes harder to take in, and for that reason
I had to stop reading. Haha I am kind of surprised nobody else said anything yet either, but it could be that
my age plays some role in this, and younger folks may not find it so difficult.

 

[Lynx]

Thank You for Sharing. I Have Come to Realize just Recently that My before Overwhelming Desire to Have Someone to Hold is Now Overshadowed by My Even Deeper Desire to Hold the Right Woman that God Has for Me. I had to Accept the Fact that I Am Obviously not Capable of Knowing who She is On My Own. I Am Trusting the Lord this Time. However, I do Not want to Miss My Opportunity Either. Gods Perfect Timing. So, That is what I am Struggling with the most at the Moment. Questions like: "How hard should I try?" "Will God Bring Her to Me, Or Do I Need to Seek Her Out?" "What is the Proper way to know?" As I have chosen wrong apparently, Or was those Relationships set up by God to Mold Me into the Man that I am now to prepare Me for the Right One for Me and I the Right one for Her?

Oh yeah... I never addressed the topic of this thread, or even the person who started it.

Ahem...

Howdy Michael.

From context in your first post it's difficult to tell if you are looking for advice or not. But you did ask ALL singles where they are with being comfortable with dating, after whatever happened that brought about their single status. I commented in your thread, but never replied to your question. Sorry about that.

Mine probably won't help you though. I'm 47 and never had a girl. I just never have bothered. I'm happy with my life and don't see any reason to change it. I'm certainly not going to spend time and effort trying to chase romance.

Now if romance finds me, I'll probably be as happily married as I am happily single. Maybe even more happy.

But I am also indolent (read: lazy) and just don't want to bother chasing it when I'm already happy with my life the way it is. Besides, I see a lot of people getting all beat up when they try to chase romance. No thank you! I'll stick with my life until/unless romance finds me.