The real problem isn't that women want to be chaste before marriage, it's the ones who decide to be after.
We all know there could be a plethora of issues going on, but I often contemplate the complications of past sexual abuse, which is why I've written several threads on this topic in the past. I don't think the church has an idea how to prepare abuse survivors for marriage, and whatever methods are being used, it's obviously failing.
I have heard from many married Christians who find themselves in a situation like this:
Bill and Sara have waited until marriage, expecting to have a Godly and very exciting, fulfilling sex life that everyone says it will be because they've been obedient to the Lord.
Both Bill and Sara have been sexually abused in the past. Many sexual abuse survivors cope and react by going to extremes -- some will become addicted to sex, seeking out as much as they can; others will shun sexual contact, because they find it makes them feel dirty, used, and shameful.
Bill had learned to cope with his past abuse by seeking out pornography, but he's really trying to get away from it. He expects that now since he's married, he'll have a Godly sexual outlet and his addiction will fade away, because he's done what the Bible says. He knows it's "better to marry than to burn with passion," and so since he's now married, he thinks he'll finally get better.
Sara has coped with her sexual abuse by shunning all sexual contact, but since she's obediently waited until after marriage to Bill, she expects things will be different. She believes that since she is following God's will, she is going to be healed, and sex is going to be this amazing thing that everyone says it is because she is now someone's wife.
But the reality they find is that Bill eagerly seeks out time with Sara, but Sara discovers that she doesn't feel any different with Bill than she did with her abuser. She feels used, dirty, and ashamed, and she wishes Bill would just leave her alone altogether. Sexual contact with a husband doesn't feel any different than it did with her abuser, and is producing the same emotional response from her, no matter how loving or understanding Bill tries to be.
Needless to say, their marriage is not going well, and the only Christian advice they receive is, "Render what's due to your spouse in marriage," as the Bible says.
Now of course, this is just a very brief example. There could be a myriad of other variations and factors going on. But it's something I don't think a lot of people think about, then find themselves struggling with after they've said "I do."
Then the couple gets divorced, and are slammed with further condemnation because they "didn't have a Biblical divorce."
Well...
How exactly is Bill supposed to tell people, "Sara was raped as a child and now she wants nothing to do with sex," or how can Sara explain, "I had a lot of bad experiences growing up, and now I've found I have no interest in sex -- but I found that out AFTER I got married."
For one thing, it's no one's business. And no one should have to share their personal life with the entire church, let alone strangers in other churches. But EVERYONE will judge them anyway.
It's yet another one of my many frustrations with the church.
I think this is happening a lot more to people than any church is willing to admit, because sexual abuse is running rampant, and no one seems to know what to do about.
I sure don't have the answers but what frustrates me the most is that I think the majority of people wouldn't feel they could even talk about this with someone from the church, let alone try to get help (and there doesn't seem to be much help out there anyway.)
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