If Women Look to Solve "Daddy Issues" With a Husband, What Happens If a Man Has "Mommy Issues?" (Hagmaxxing?)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I was listening to a video about the apparently popular current trend of "Hagmaxxing" -- younger men who purposely seek out older women for dating and relationships.

The video I listened to talked about examples such as 22-year-old men dating 35-year-old women (in this video, "hags" were often seen as women being 30 years and older) and "maxxing" out the great life they imagined it would be -- playing video games on the couch while their hagmaxx brings them freshly microwaved plates of "chicken tendies" all afternoon.

As much as this made me shake my head, it also got me thinking.

In a way, I think the Christian community might teach women to see men as a kind of safety net. If they didn't have a good home life, had an especially turbulent or downright abusive relationship with their father, many women hope to find the nurturing, compassion, and general sense of "I'll take care of you and provide you with a real home" in the form of a husband.

Please note that I am NOT saying ALL women think this way, but I think some do, as this is seen even in the secular world. And how much more so in the Christian community where women are taught that husbands are to provide. A loving, faithful, and hard-working husband might very well help to heal some of the wounds of the past.

But I got to thinking -- plenty of men are suffering from the same kinds of backgrounds -- harsh, critical, abusive or neglectful mothers -- so where are men to look for healing from never having been encouraged, loved, or taken care of while they were growing up?

The host of the video I listened to was a woman, and when she asked around why these young men were looking for older women to look after them, she said that the number one response was, "I have mommy issues."

As Christians, we always have God with us. But, many aspects of our lives, including healing and moving on from the past, is orchestrated through the experiences and relationships that we form.

* If women hope to have a loving, nurturing, but also "I'll take care of you" experience with a husband due to a man who failed to be a father, what do men look to in order to "make up" for not having a "real" mother?

* How does a poor relationship with one's mother affect a man's views towards women? If he sees women negatively because of this, what will change his views?

* If women act out because they didn't feel loved by their fathers but find healing for this in marriage, can men expect the same kind of healing from suffering inflicted by a mother who didn't love them? And do they have to find a woman who "takes care of them" in order to feel whole?

* What are other ways that men and women heal from having abusive or non-existent relationships with their parents?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

 

[seoulsearch]

Another aspect I've been thinking about is the fact that if a woman wasn't really cared for or provided for as a child, she might find that kind of care and nurturing in a marriage. Now of course, if single women who don't marry right away, they will need to live as independent, financially responsible adults.

But I don't think it's quite the same for man (in some cases, at least.)

Every child deserves to have a loving home in which their needs are met. If a woman grows up in a household where her father never provided, maybe she might find that later in a husband, even after being single for a while.

But if a man grew up without ever really being provided for, not only is he missing out on that kind of love, care, and nurturing, but as soon as he becomes an adult, he's expected to learn to provide right off the bat, without really having been provided for. And not only that, but if he wants to marry, he's expected to provide a household for himself, a wife, and their kids. I would think that's an awful lot of pressure, and I wonder what it does to a man emotionally and spiritually.

Without a real childhood, the man never really gets a time where he can kind of "kick back," relax, and have someone else worry about the responsibilities, especially financial. In that sense, I can see why some men might be attracted to the thought of being able to chill out, play video games, and have their "hagmaxx" bring them food, pay the bills, and take care of them -- acting as the mother they never had.

However, I don't think this is the answer.

As @Snackersmom has wisely stated in her past posts, a woman paying most or all of the bills has all the responsibility in the marriage, but none of the authority.

I just know it's a situation I would never want to be in again, if I can help it.

But I do wonder about the many men needing emotional healing from not never being shown security, love, or affection in their most important formative years, and what we as a Christian community can do to help them.

 

[Lynx]

I have nothing to add to this topic. I will just be sitting over here with a notepad.

All I know is, if somebody depends on me to provide healing in a romantic relationship... that's a heavy responsibility to put on a partner. I don't know if I would want to shoulder that burden.

 

[Westward]

Hag is a bit harsh, I prefer the term suga momma.

 

[maxwel]

In the singles forum there's always a lot of discussion about "why" people do things.

The "why" is both irrelevant and often unknowable.
a. We have no ability to either know all the "why's", or fix things if we do.
b. Therefore, the concern should not be "why" people do things, but simply "what" they do.
c. So if someone is too crazy for you... move on. Easy peasy.

And the Bible doesn't give any rules about ages in relationships.



Have a great day everyone.
.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

How does a poor relationship with one's mother affect a man's views towards women?

It should not affect his views towards women at all. Why not? Because his mother is but one woman, and not all women.

In some ways, my mother (who is deceased) helped me much more than any other person in my life. In other ways, my mother stirred up more trouble for me than any other person in my life. In other words, she could be very manipulative, and if I did not do what she wanted me to do (and I am talking about after I became an adult), then she would slander me to just about everybody that I knew in order to apply peer pressure to me, or in order to try to coerce me into doing what she wanted me to do. But that was just my mother doing it. It was not all women doing it, and it would be wrong for me or any man to project what one woman did to him unto other women. In other words, everyone should be evaluated based upon who they are, or based upon what they have done, and not based upon who somebody else is, or not based upon what somebody else has done.

Does anybody here like having what somebody else has said or done projected unto them? I do not like it. In fact, I hate it. Seeing how I hate when people attempt to do that to me, I try my hardest to never do it unto others.

That said, a poor relationship with one's own mother could have horrifyingly evil and long-lasting effects on a child. An extreme example of this would be David Berkowitz, a.k.a. "The Son of Sam" or "The .44 Caliber Killer." Back in 1976 and 1977, Berkowitz terrified the residents of different boroughs in New York through eight shootings that killed six people and wounded seven others. His targets were young women and couples in parked cars. This is what one doctor had to say regarding the motive for Berkowitz's shootings.

https://www.oxygen.com/mark-of-a-ki...n-of-sam-kill-david-berkowitz-programmed-kill

One possible explanation for how Berkowitz turned into Son of Sam can be traced back to his early adulthood, when he found out that his biological mother had not died in childbirth and in fact had given him up for adoption.

“He felt betrayed,” Dr. Bonn said. “And this turned that internal angst into rage. He was empty, and he was constantly looking for something that would give him meaning … He’s looking for recognition and notoriety.”

So, yeah, bad childhood experiences with one's mother, or no experiences at all, could cause deep psychological damage, but my earlier comments were given from the mindset of a Christian. Incidentally, Berkowitz did become a born-again Christian after being imprisoned.

If he sees women negatively because of this, what will change his views?

Learning to not stereotype, or learning that each person is an individual who should be evaluated as an individual. It seems pretty simple to me, but, in my experience, it is not commonplace. Personally, I have no desire to date anybody, nor do I have any desire to get married. One of the reasons for this, but certainly not the only reason, is what I just described. In other words, when I look back upon the women I have dated in the past, I honestly do not know if I ever made it past the first or second date without having something, or some things, that some other man had said or done unto them projected unto me. In fact, I could honestly say that I never even made it to the first date with some women before I experienced the same. In other words, I was getting things projected unto me before I even took the step of asking certain women out, and I ran from that major red flag every time. I am more than willing to be held accountable for my own words and actions, but I will not be held accountable for what somebody else has said or done.

Anyhow, I am guessing that you wanted some input from men here because of the subject matter, and that is my two cents worth on one aspect of what you have written and inquired about.

 

[seoulsearch]

Just to clarify...

The main feeling behind the thread wasn't so much a matter of why, nor was it a discussion of age differences.

The premise of the why was already set forth in the opening post -- people who didn't get what they needed from their original family unit, and how some -- not all, but some -- might look to fill that void with their own future family unit.

For some, this might be an interesting discussion -- for others, it might seem annoying -- and I understand that. Different strokes for different folks. There's always the option to pass on the thread and move on.

What seems like a lifetime ago, I was studying to be a psychologist, and I always felt that as a Christian, it would be part of my job to:

1. Learn about the person's background so that I could understand where they're coming from.

2. Try to do what I could to help and encourage them, if possible, to further their journey to where God wants them to be.

This is still the hallmark of how I think, and usually the main goal of most any serious discussion I start.

For some people, it seems to be easy as pie, and maybe they've made all the right choices, avoided all the wrong people, and stayed on all the right paths without so much as a single bump or a bruise.

But I don't know many people like that.

And I tend to learn the most from the ones who share their own stories.

My threads are for others who learn from other's stories and discussions in the same way, or at least, are interested in reading about them.

 

[MsMediator]

It should not affect his views towards women at all. Why not? Because his mother is but one woman, and not all women.

It depends if he had other good female role models growing up like aunts, grandmas, etc. If his mom was the only woman with whom he had a close relationship, she is going to impact his view of women greatly.

 

[MsMediator]

I have nothing to add to this topic. I will just be sitting over here with a notepad.

All I know is, if somebody depends on me to provide healing in a romantic relationship... that's a heavy responsibility to put on a partner. I don't know if I would want to shoulder that burden.

I agree that a spouse should not take the role of a therapist. The person needs to get individual help from a professional.

 

[MsMediator]

Hey Everyone,

I was listening to a video about the apparently popular current trend of "Hagmaxxing" -- younger men who purposely seek out older women for dating and relationships.

The video I listened to talked about examples such as 22-year-old men dating 35-year-old women (in this video, "hags" were often seen as women being 30 years and older) and "maxxing" out the great life they imagined it would be -- playing video games on the couch while their hagmaxx brings them freshly microwaved plates of "chicken tendies" all afternoon.

As much as this made me shake my head, it also got me thinking.

In a way, I think the Christian community might teach women to see men as a kind of safety net. If they didn't have a good home life, had an especially turbulent or downright abusive relationship with their father, many women hope to find the nurturing, compassion, and general sense of "I'll take care of you and provide you with a real home" in the form of a husband.

Please note that I am NOT saying ALL women think this way, but I think some do, as this is seen even in the secular world. And how much more so in the Christian community where women are taught that husbands are to provide. A loving, faithful, and hard-working husband might very well help to heal some of the wounds of the past.

But I got to thinking -- plenty of men are suffering from the same kinds of backgrounds -- harsh, critical, abusive or neglectful mothers -- so where are men to look for healing from never having been encouraged, loved, or taken care of while they were growing up?

The host of the video I listened to was a woman, and when she asked around why these young men were looking for older women to look after them, she said that the number one response was, "I have mommy issues."

As Christians, we always have God with us. But, many aspects of our lives, including healing and moving on from the past, is orchestrated through the experiences and relationships that we form.

* If women hope to have a loving, nurturing, but also "I'll take care of you" experience with a husband due to a man who failed to be a father, what do men look to in order to "make up" for not having a "real" mother?

* How does a poor relationship with one's mother affect a man's views towards women? If he sees women negatively because of this, what will change his views?

* If women act out because they didn't feel loved by their fathers but find healing for this in marriage, can men expect the same kind of healing from suffering inflicted by a mother who didn't love them? And do they have to find a woman who "takes care of them" in order to feel whole?

* What are other ways that men and women heal from having abusive or non-existent relationships with their parents?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

This is a very complicated issue. I do believe that a person's relationship with the parents affects the person's future romantic relationships, and I've seen evidence of this once I learn more about a person's background. The first step to healing is to acknowledge and accept the loss, and try not to believe you had something where you did not. It is fine to think that you had a bad parent or a bad relationship with the parent. The next step is to acknowledge that no future spouse will fill this void. A spouse does not replace or substitute a parent. When someone has very high expectations of a person, they get dissappointed and that's when problems start.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

It depends if he had other good female role models growing up like aunts, grandmas, etc. If his mom was the only woman with whom he had a close relationship, she is going to impact his view of women greatly.

Perhaps.

When it comes to matters of family and role models, I am probably the worst guy to ask an opinion of...or maybe one of the best guys to ask.

When it comes to possibly being the worst guy to ask, my family members were, and still are, mostly horrible, if not totally horrible. I know that might be hard for some people to believe or accept, but, unfortunately, it is true. With such being the case, I never really had a good role model as far as relatives are concerned.

When it comes to possibly being one of the best guys to ask, I have learned, slowly but surely, and oftentimes painfully, to not give anybody godlike status in my life. In other words, no matter how anybody may have treated or mistreated me, I still am ultimately accountable for my own actions before God, or I am still required by God to treat people in a certain way. With such being the case, I really do not spend a lot of time thinking about what others have done to me. Instead, my primary concern is about what I am doing to others, and that is a full-time job.

In relation to the topic at hand, when I was involved in relationships with women in the past, my focus was always upon what type of man I was supposed to be. I mean, if we are real (remember my username) with ourselves, then we must recognize that we truly have no control over anybody's actions but our own. If each party would focus upon what they are supposed to be bringing into a relationship, as opposed to looking for something in the other party to fill some void or meet some need in their life, then, ironically, I think that more relationships would actually work. In other words, ultimately, God knows what type of man any particular woman needs, and, similarly, he knows what type of woman any particular man needs. If the man and woman are both focusing upon who they are supposed to be before God, then I believe that God will fashion them into exactly what their partner needs.

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

 

[maxwel]

Just to clarify...

The main feeling behind the thread wasn't so much a matter of why, nor was it a discussion of age differences.

The premise of the why was already set forth in the opening post -- people who didn't get what they needed from their original family unit, and how some -- not all, but some -- might look to fill that void with their own future family unit.

For some, this might be an interesting discussion -- for others, it might seem annoying -- and I understand that. Different strokes for different folks. There's always the option to pass on the thread and move on.

What seems like a lifetime ago, I was studying to be a psychologist, and I always felt that as a Christian, it would be part of my job to:

1. Learn about the person's background so that I could understand where they're coming from.

2. Try to do what I could to help and encourage them, if possible, to further their journey to where God wants them to be.

This is still the hallmark of how I think, and usually the main goal of most any serious discussion I start.

For some people, it seems to be easy as pie, and maybe they've made all the right choices, avoided all the wrong people, and stayed on all the right paths without so much as a single bump or a bruise.

But I don't know many people like that.

And I tend to learn the most from the ones who share their own stories.

My threads are for others who learn from other's stories and discussions in the same way, or at least, are interested in reading about them.

Just to clarify:

1.) You have every right to post and discuss whatever is on your mind... and I think that's great.

2.) Lot's of people do enjoy discussing your topics... and I think that's great too.

3.) This might just be a good example of how men and women are so different (which is a great thing.)
a. Women, overall, tend to be more relationship and emotion oriented... as God intended.
b. Men, overall, tend to more pragmatic and results oriented... they want solutions.
c. I realize you and I approach things very differently, and sometimes I probably seem very curt... well... ya know... I'm a guy.
(Last I checked.)
: )

Conclusion:
A.) I think your relationship oriented threads are fantastic for all the people who enjoy those discussions.
B.) Don't be surprised if I pop in once in a while, and say something that sounds like... a guy.
C.) For all the nice girls wanting a fella, it's kinda like wanting a new pet: it's not all roses! There's good and bad... so be careful what you wish for!


God Bless, and have a great day.

.

 

[Lynx]

In the singles forum there's always a lot of discussion about "why" people do things.

The "why" is both irrelevant and often unknowable.
a. We have no ability to either know all the "why's", or fix things if we do.
b. Therefore, the concern should not be "why" people do things, but simply "what" they do.
c. So if someone is too crazy for you... move on. Easy peasy.

And the Bible doesn't give any rules about ages in relationships.



Have a great day everyone.
.

I'm going to have to disagree with that first part. I often find why to be the most important question. Indeed, sometimes it's hard to forgive some people until I understand why they did it. Then it becomes easy.

As it pertains to the current thread topic, I find understanding why to be of paramount importance. Having the empathy to not ridicule people with such problems is the least of the reasons for trying to understand why.

 

[SomeDisciple]

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=Hagmaxxin...i=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--rS-yRL4dw

 

[maxwel]

I'm going to have to disagree with that first part. I often find why to be the most important question. Indeed, sometimes it's hard to forgive some people until I understand why they did it. Then it becomes easy.

As it pertains to the current thread topic, I find understanding why to be of paramount importance. Having the empathy to not ridicule people with such problems is the least of the reasons for trying to understand why.

The matter of "why" might be a great question, but in God's economy we don't always get that answered.
In fact, we quite frequently get no answer to that at all.
My primary point is this: with or without answering the "why" question, we are still able to assess the situation, and make biblical decisions.

Nowhere in scripture are we guaranteed an answer to all our why questions,
but we ARE given principles to deal with all situations, regardless of that.


.

 

[RodB651]

I have learned so much in this thread.

 

[cinder]

Don't have time to do this topic justice, but my first thought is "What are the women getting out of these relationships?" My second thought is, there almost seems to be a universal that men want to be taken care of (or at least have a home and creature comforts all provided for them to retreat to return to) I remember my mom doing little things to take care of my dad, even though he is a full grown capable adult who can take care of himself. Things like making sure there were TV dinners in the freezer for him to eat if she was going to be out and busy and not able to cook. But that desire to be taken care of in and of itself isn't as interesting as the complete abdication of responsibility here (at least that's what it sounds like since it sounds like these guys plan is to mooch and be provided for, not just to jump start their own productive life).

As to how to heal from bad childhood experiences, prayer and good relationships are a great start. And I think there's something to hearing other people's stories and realizing that if you don't like what you had, then there's other options about ways to conduct yourself. And it's time to go to improv so I'll have to maybe revisit this later (although improv can be good therapy too at times).

 

[seoulsearch]

In the singles forum there's always a lot of discussion about "why" people do things.

The "why" is both irrelevant and often unknowable.
a. We have no ability to either know all the "why's", or fix things if we do.
b. Therefore, the concern should not be "why" people do things, but simply "what" they do.
c. So if someone is too crazy for you... move on. Easy peasy.

And the Bible doesn't give any rules about ages in relationships.



Have a great day everyone.
.

Just to clarify:

1.) You have every right to post and discuss whatever is on your mind... and I think that's great.

2.) Lot's of people do enjoy discussing your topics... and I think that's great too.

3.) This might just be a good example of how men and women are so different (which is a great thing.)
a. Women, overall, tend to be more relationship and emotion oriented... as God intended.
b. Men, overall, tend to more pragmatic and results oriented... they want solutions.
c. I realize you and I approach things very differently, and sometimes I probably seem very curt... well... ya know... I'm a guy.
(Last I checked.)
: )

Conclusion:
A.) I think your relationship oriented threads are fantastic for all the people who enjoy those discussions.
B.) Don't be surprised if I pop in once in a while, and say something that sounds like... a guy.
C.) For all the nice girls wanting a fella, it's kinda like wanting a new pet: it's not all roses! There's good and bad... so be careful what you wish for!


God Bless, and have a great day.

.

The matter of "why" might be a great question, but in God's economy we don't always get that answered.
In fact, we quite frequently get no answer to that at all.
My primary point is this: with or without answering the "why" question, we are still able to assess the situation, and make biblical decisions.

Nowhere in scripture are we guaranteed an answer to all our why questions,
but we ARE given principles to deal with all situations, regardless of that.


.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

Over the years, I've had a lot of times when people came in and dismissed the things I've written, saying, "Well that's easy. Just do what God says." In other words, "Why are you wasting people's time asking such pointless and mundane questions?"

Except that most people don't seem to just do what God says, or make all the right choices, whether they choose to tell others about that or not.

I've known some Christians, both online and in real life, who have good intentions and a lot of wisdom to share, but they don't share anything about their own journey and are content to just try to tell others what to do based on their own observations. Which is perfectly fine and just how some people are built.

But for me, I need to learn by discussion -- the stories, the why's, the why not's -- and everything in between.

If I'm trying to learn how to lose weight, and the person telling me how is 300 lbs., chances are, at first glance, I'm not going to take that person very seriously. And it won't be very helpful to me if they tell me, "Eat less, exercise more," even if everything they say is true.

But if that person who weighs 300 lbs. takes the time to explain to me that they were once 350 lbs. and they've lost 50 lbs. and are continuing on their weight loss journey, I will learn a whole lot more from them.

Especially when they tell me about the times they hit a plateau, went on food binges, gained 20 pounds back... but then are able to share how they got back on track. I learn the most about living when people share their actual lives and the processes they personally went through.

I've been around a lot of church people who tell you everything in the world to do, quote a thousand passages, but never share what they themselves have done wrong or gone through that broke them, or the things that are still causing them current pain.

I completely understand that, especially in today's world. Many people don't want to share anything, for fear of criticism or looking like they're not living up to the advice they give. We are all built differently. But I just don't learn much from being told facts and quoted Scripture alone. I need a human touch, some kind of personality and personal life story to go with it.

And it's always been on my heart to reach out to others who learn the same way. As long as there's an audience that seems interested (and as long as God permits,) I'll keep going (it'll be 16 years in May.) I have to smile thinking back to it, when I used to encounter some when I first started writing threads who probably thought I'd go away in a few months.

I learn best from those who are at least a little bit willing to share something about themselves and their lives.

My threads are written for mostly for others who learn the same way, but of course, everyone can answer -- and some, like you, probably speak to an audience I'm most likely not reaching, nor am I meant for.

 

[maxwel]

I just don't learn much from being told facts and quoted Scripture alone. I need a human touch, some kind of personality and personal life story to go with it.

We all learn and process in different ways.

God Bless.

.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

We all learn and process in different ways.

Many of us learn and process in similar ways too.

I find it interesting that as I have been following the back and forth between you and seoul, I find myself agreeing with both of you, while disagreeing with neither of you. In fact, I learned something about myself earlier after reading one of your comments. I am referring to this:

Men, overall, tend to more pragmatic and results oriented... they want solutions.

I had heard the word "pragmatic" used several times before over the course of my life, but I had to look it up to make sure that I understood what it meant. That word, combined with what else you said, perfectly describes me, and yet it doesn't. In other words, that is a very real part of my personality, and probably the part that I display most often on public forums like this one, but that is definitely not the only part of me. Instead, another very real part of me falls perfectly in line with the way that seoul has described herself and her intentions here.

My intended point is that we are all probably a lot more alike than we realize. Some of us only show certain sides of ourselves, but that does not mean that those are the only sides that we have. Instead, it could mean that we have shown our other sides before, and they were not received favorably, and this might be why we appear one-sided to others. Anyhow, this is just me thinking out loud again, so don't pay me any mind.