So I started taking God seriously last year and I prayed a lot to receive the Holy Spirit. I tried to confess but honestly sometimes I don’t feel genuine enough. I feel that if I don’t feel emotional doing so that it was fake. But I keep praying for the Holy Spirit but it seems like my heart is just getting worse instead of better. I feel more wicked and sinful and my conviction and love just isn’t there. I lost my fear of God but I guess I was more scared to be punished. Ever since I fell back into sin because of unbelief and anxiety sparking high because of the doubt I first started feeling apathetic and I felt as though the Lord wasn’t there because I cried out to Him to save me and help me but nothing happened. I’m happy I haven’t given up on trying and I don’t deal with that horrible doubt anymore which I think it was just covered up with sin. I honestly don’t know what to do. I never feel like I have enough fear for God or love. I don’t feel like I’m being changed either. I try to pray for help but I don’t feel desperate enough and I start off genuine but then end up feeling careless and have a whatever feeling. I wish I felt a strong desperation and a care. I don’t feel serious about it even though I want to be serious and I want to feel love and reverence. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I also started having intrusive thoughts and emotions this year. Just seems like I’m getting worse.
You are going to get a lot of different OPINIONS about this and a lot of different answers. So let me advise you to go to the Bible for your answers and not men. The apostle Paul says that the Bible is the “mind of Christ.” 1 Cor. 2:16 and God assures us that the scriptures are “INSPIRED by God and are COMPLETE, PERFECT, and can equip us with ALL we need. 2 Tim. 3:16. So my first advice is to believe and trust the scriptures. John 17 says that God’s word is “TRUTH.”
Second, Roman’s 10:17 tells us that “FAITH comes by hearing the word of God.” You have a “faith problem.” The only way to get more “faith” is to read and study God’s word. You need to get “built up” on scripture. Let me suggest you read the Bible stories in the Old Testament—they tell of the mighty wonderful works of God. They will get you acquainted with JEHOVAH. Specifically, the stories of Noah, Abraham, Issac, Jacob, and Joseph in the book of Genesis. The story of Moses and the exodus out of Egypt in Exodus, Joshua, Judges, the kings of the Jews and Esther. Ruth is a short story about a young girl like yourself who is a great role model for you.
In reading the Old Testament you really get to know God. You understand his great love and long suffering but you also realize His mighty power and you will LEARN to fear Him.
The New Testament is all about Christ the Messiah. And you will learn about the Holy Spirit and how He works. It is helpful to understand and get to know BOTH Jehovah God and Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit because they make up the Trinity or God head. So build your faith by reading the Bible. Build your faith in Jesus Christ by reading the 4 books that tell all about His life Here on earth—Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Last, do a study of nothing but the Holy Spirit. Read every scripture about the Holy Spirit in the New Testament to get the “big picture.”. That way you will know all God tells us about Him. Here are some things to look for. 1)people in the New Testament got the Holy Spirit in different ways—not just 1 way. There were ONLY 2 times in the New Testament that the Holy Spirit was poured out on people in a miraculous way. Once, was in Acts 2, on the apostles, when they spoke in different tongues. This was a miracle. This time it was only on the Jews. The second time was in Acts 10. It was suddenly poured out on Cornelius and his house. This time it was poured out on the gentiles. When you study these 2 examples you will see that these people were NOT seeking the Spirit; they were NOT praying for it. It was a miraculous “sign.” First to show the Jews that the apostles were from God and that what they preached was from God. The second time it was to show the Jews that the gospel was for the gentiles, too, and not only the Jews. It was never given to “save” anyone. And no one else ever got a MIRACULOUS baptism of the Spirit. It was not intended for everybody. And it was only given at God’s discretion. No one could just have it because they wanted it. It was not given that way.
The second way people got the Spirit in the New Testament was by the apostles “laying their hands on them and giving it to them. Read Acts 8:18. Once all of the apostles died, the Spirit could no longer be given this way.
The last way the Spirit was given in the New Testament was when a person was baptized. Read Acts 2:38. The apostle Peter told those people—EVERYONE OF THEM—to be baptized,…FOR THE FORGIVENESS OF SINS, and they would receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. This is the only way anyone can get the Spirit today. We have to get it the same way THEY got it.
The Spirit has been promised to everyone who is baptized in the name of Jesus (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit-Matt. 38:18-19), for the forgiveness of sins. This is what God says in His Word. You can trust him to do what He says He will do. But God has NOT promised to save or give the Spirit to anyone who does not do what He says to do. Beware!! Men will tell you that baptism is NOT for the remission of sins and that you don’t even have to be baptized. But God has not promised to give His Spirit to anyone who does not obey his commands. Trust what God says in the Bible. Don’t listen to men. You must be saved by the Bible plan of salvation in order to get God’s Holy Spirit. His plan of salvation is to BELIEVE that Jesus is the Son of God, REPENT of your sins, Acts 3:19, CONFESS your belief in Jesus Romans 10:10 and Acts 8:37, and be baptized for the remission of sins. Acts 2:38, 1Peter 3:21, Acts 22:16, Mark 16:16. Please contact me if I can help you in your Bible study or answer any questions. Praying for you.