How is the single life for you as a Christian?

[Noel25]

I'm happy being single! I tried to date in my 20s but I quickly realized that they made me feel really bad about myself. I feel so much better when I'm alone and I don't have to worry about what a guy thinks of me.

However, I am very introverted and live with my mom. So if it weren't for those two things, I might feel more of a need to meet someone.

 

[seoulsearch]

Something else I'm grateful for regarding single life is having to learn to live on my own.

I was visiting family a few weeks ago and one of the residents where they live told me how much she admired that I was "a woman who could live independently, without relying on anyone else."

No, she's not a raging feminist. She's a woman in her 70's who is a Christian, has been married all her life, and is very dedicated to her husband.

But one issue I think the older generations had was that the division of gender roles inadvertently made a lot of people helpless. We saw this when my Grandma died -- my Grandpa had never cooked or done laundry, and had no interest in learning. He wouldn't even use the microwave and subsisted on cold cereal and sandwiches in between us stopping in to look after him.

This woman I was talking to told me her husband had always taken care of the bills and still did -- but that she had no idea how to get into their accounts to pay the after he was gone. Like my Grandpa, she also had no interest in learning -- and said she'd have to rely on her children if her husband died first.

She told me that she was in awe of the fact that I could do "all these things" without a man.

I've been seeing this a lot with older people -- the spouse who is left behind literally can't care for themselves in some way -- and, as much as I haven't liked being single during some phases of my life, I'm grateful for what I had to learn to do on my own because of it.

 

[Lynx]

Something else I'm grateful for regarding single life is having to learn to live on my own.

I was visiting family a few weeks ago and one of the residents where they live told me how much she admired that I was "a woman who could live independently, without relying on anyone else."

No, she's not a raging feminist. She's a woman in her 70's who is a Christian, has been married all her life, and is very dedicated to her husband.

But one issue I think the older generations had was that the division of gender roles inadvertently made a lot of people helpless. We saw this when my Grandma died -- my Grandpa had never cooked or done laundry, and had no interest in learning. He wouldn't even use the microwave and subsisted on cold cereal and sandwiches in between us stopping in to look after him.

This woman I was talking to told me her husband had always taken care of the bills and still did -- but that she had no idea how to get into their accounts to pay the after he was gone. Like my Grandpa, she also had no interest in learning -- and said she'd have to rely on her children if her husband died first.

She told me that she was in awe of the fact that I could do "all these things" without a man.

I've been seeing this a lot with older people -- the spouse who is left behind literally can't care for themselves in some way -- and, as much as I haven't liked being single during some phases of my life, I'm grateful for what I had to learn to do on my own because of it.

Fer sure!

I can cook my own meals and do my own laundry.

And if I ever do get married, she won't have to take care of me like I've heard some elderly women complaining about they had to take care of their husbands. Cooking every meal for a man... And without a paycheck!

The lady that stays with Grandma while I am at w*rk, I asked her if she ever wanted to get married again. "No way! I've had enough of taking care of a man. I had to take care of one for 27 years. That's enough for me."

The lady I marry won't have that problem. And I hope she won't have to rely on me for simple things everybody these days knows how to do.

 

[KBeef]

@seoulsearch (deleted the quote, Im still learning the ropes welp)


First of all, thank you for your reply and also the insight to the forum scene. I'm in my mid 20s and this is my first time on a forum I guess I should have expected an age gap. That makes this all the more interesting!

To your question, the single scene in general is as a lot of places in the world. Long-lasting relationships and marriage aren't as common anymore. Everyone has trust and commitment issues, no one knows how to be a great partner and I blame those anti-traditional views that have always been pushed onto young people. All that said, it's a little different in the churches.

Some still get married at the green age of 18, some in their early 20s. I am blessed, as I have never been pressured or asked uncomfortable questions from church members, although I often imagine some people do give some side eye. That's just my anxiety talking, though...

Intersting thing happened to me at the bank yesterday. I had an appointment to meet my new bank guy, who will be handling all of my banking issues. I expected a middle-aged Italian, but it turned out to be this young, completely tattooed guy. We spoke informally , which was nice. Long story short, he asked me out and I had to tell him I don't see a future with anyone who doesn't believe in God, which led to the question of which religion (my answer: "God, Jesus, Bible.") and he found that intriguing and wants to talk about that, so we exchanged numbers. If he does engage, I'm praying for God to use this situation to reach this guy. He was genuinely interested in learning new subjects. I could tell during our appointment.

I don't know if that counts as dating, but God can put anyone in my way. I make it my goal to be His witness. If God puts a nice, young Christian man in front of me, well then...lucky me!

 

[KBeef]

Hi KBeef, welcome to CC!

For most of my 20's I wasn't content with singleness and neglected my relationship with God because of it. But I have come to realize it's not so bad, and can be a blessing in some ways. I like that I don't have to ask permission from anyone but God, and I don't have to worry about the "static" of another person's input clouding my perceptions (though I do often ask others for input, I just like that it's by choice).

That said, if God did give me the chance to marry a guy I really clicked with and everything seemed right, I do think I would take that option. I'm just not holding my breath expecting it, life is happening right now and there's plenty to do. A ministry partner would be amazing, but I might work best as a solo operative and I have accepted that possibility.

I don't feel too awfully looked down on for being single. It's kind of annoying when pastors announce that motherhood is the single highest calling a woman can attain to, but I think that's usually more cluelessness than disdain. They probably don't know that I had always wanted to be a mom, and singleness at 41 was never a personal goal. And really I think that staying in God's will is the highest calling ANYONE can attain to, no matter where it takes us.....even down paths we never would have chosen. But at least we know where we end up!

Hi that definitely sucks if a pastor says that. While I hold motherhood in high regards and it should be commended for the tough job it is, God doesn't have every woman in mind as a mother, so that saying is a bit off, in my opinion. The highest calling a woman can attain is the calling that God has for a woman, 100% agreed. Should be common sense xD I'm not very focused today, so I read that you wrote what I just did after I wrote this. This week has been stressful

 

[seoulsearch]

@seoulsearch (deleted the quote, Im still learning the ropes welp)


First of all, thank you for your reply and also the insight to the forum scene. I'm in my mid 20s and this is my first time on a forum I guess I should have expected an age gap. That makes this all the more interesting!

To your question, the single scene in general is as a lot of places in the world. Long-lasting relationships and marriage aren't as common anymore. Everyone has trust and commitment issues, no one knows how to be a great partner and I blame those anti-traditional views that have always been pushed onto young people. All that said, it's a little different in the churches.

Some still get married at the green age of 18, some in their early 20s. I am blessed, as I have never been pressured or asked uncomfortable questions from church members, although I often imagine some people do give some side eye. That's just my anxiety talking, though...

Intersting thing happened to me at the bank yesterday. I had an appointment to meet my new bank guy, who will be handling all of my banking issues. I expected a middle-aged Italian, but it turned out to be this young, completely tattooed guy. We spoke informally , which was nice. Long story short, he asked me out and I had to tell him I don't see a future with anyone who doesn't believe in God, which led to the question of which religion (my answer: "God, Jesus, Bible.") and he found that intriguing and wants to talk about that, so we exchanged numbers. If he does engage, I'm praying for God to use this situation to reach this guy. He was genuinely interested in learning new subjects. I could tell during our appointment.

I don't know if that counts as dating, but God can put anyone in my way. I make it my goal to be His witness. If God puts a nice, young Christian man in front of me, well then...lucky me!

Hi @KBeef, if you have questions about quotes or other things about the system or forum, feel free to ask and we'll do our best to help. We're glad to have you hear and I'm interested in hearing how things go with this young man.

Please don't let the fact that I'm old stop you from sharing with us. It's awesome to have a younger person here (pulls us out of our ruts,) and we're looking forward to getting to know you.

Feel free to jump into any of the threads that interest you, as well as keeping right on making your own.

P.S. A lot of us struggle with anxiety too and are trying to work through it, so you're definitely in the right place.

 

[tourist]

One interesting thing is that the church doesn't seem to recognize all the people, especially nowadays, who are literally raising children who are not "their own."

How many of us know those who are helping to raise another's children? I've known several singles who are doing this, but yet, the church seems to elevate only "having ONE'S OWN" children as the highest calling. Biology seems to be everything to most in the church.

As an adopted child myself, I know this all too well. People always ask, "What about your REAL parents?" And people have even told me, "That's great that your parents took you in, but I know I could never raise someone who wasn't MY OWN child." And I do understand when I've talked to other adoptees who insist on having their own biological children rather than adopting themselves (they fantasize about a biological connection and think it will be more meaningful than trying to turn strangers into family.)

And yet, the Bible says, "Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." -- James 1:27

I'm certainly not saying everyone should adopt -- I know some people aren't cut out for it, including myself at my age (I didn't have any children and feel I'm past the age now, but at one time I wanted to adopt) -- but it's interesting that the church somehow seems to see biological ties as the ruling class.

Many years ago we had a single gal in her 30's who had a long history of fostering children, as she said she felt this was her calling. It's so ironic to me that many in the church wouldn't see her as a "real" mother, but I'm sure God recognized that she was taking on something very few could do (again, including myself.)

My younger brother raised one child from a sister-in-law who was an unfit mother with a drug addiction. He and his wife adopted her when she was young. Now, he is raising two grandchildren with two different mothers (nieces who are basically unfit).

 

[tourist]

Hi that definitely sucks if a pastor says that. While I hold motherhood in high regards and it should be commended for the tough job it is, God doesn't have every woman in mind as a mother, so that saying is a bit off, in my opinion. The highest calling a woman can attain is the calling that God has for a woman, 100% agreed. Should be common sense xD I'm not very focused today, so I read that you wrote what I just did after I wrote this. This week has been stressful

I agreed with your statement about the highest calling of a woman, and that is the calling that God has for this woman.

 

[Snackersmom]

Hi that definitely sucks if a pastor says that. While I hold motherhood in high regards and it should be commended for the tough job it is, God doesn't have every woman in mind as a mother, so that saying is a bit off, in my opinion. The highest calling a woman can attain is the calling that God has for a woman, 100% agreed. Should be common sense xD I'm not very focused today, so I read that you wrote what I just did after I wrote this. This week has been stressful

Well to be fair, he said it during a Mother's day sermon. And I am also well aware that he is not the most sensitive knife in the drawer . I should probably just skip church on Mother's day but old friends often come to that service since they are in town to visit their moms and take them to lunch.

In general though, he and other pastors I have encountered tend to treat singleness like it doesn't exist, or exists only by choice (if you want a spouse, just go find one!). Yet my pastor personally feels that his wife was selected by God, and I agree (it's a sweet story). I often hear sermons preached about marriage and how great it is, but have yet to ever hear one about singleness....though I'm not sure I'd want to hear one preached by someone who has been very happily married since his mid-20's

 

[Lynx]

I dunno... Paul did some good preaching on that topic.

Of course the Bible is pretty big and it might take a while for any topic to come around in sermons, especially the esoteric topics. If you've only been at that church less than a year, maybe they just haven't got to that one yet. But if you've been there 10 years and never once heard a sermon on that... I'm not saying leave your church, but maybe supplement with some online sermons from somewhere.

 

[RodB651]

In general though, he and other pastors I have encountered tend to treat singleness like it doesn't exist, or exists only by choice (if you want a spouse, just go find one!)

And that's generally the case. They really don't know what to do with that.

 

[Nicolas]

I think people view the life more or less as the same way dost matter if are Christian or not. To get married is a kind of social goal for most of us andthe vast majority of people don´t put his decisions in GOD´s hands. I personally still single at my 43's. I'm not sad but nor happy, that's because I feel that every year that passes it will be harder and harder for me to find that "special girl". I have decided to wait for her believing in GOD that someday she will appear but nothing until now. I have decided to wait because as seoulsearch said, I believe that everything that do not came from GOD always finish in bad way or came whit a lot of troubles. But to be hones I´m starting to get desperate a bit, but then I remember that the way of GOD are always better and maybe HE does not want for me to get married or maybe I just have to still waiting a little more. And to be clear I don´t want to get married just to please the social way of view. I have never cared much what society said or think. I want to get married because I always have been a family man, since I was a little child and as a family man, of course I want to form mine as well, If GOD wants.

 

[Snackersmom]

I dunno... Paul did some good preaching on that topic.

Of course the Bible is pretty big and it might take a while for any topic to come around in sermons, especially the esoteric topics. If you've only been at that church less than a year, maybe they just haven't got to that one yet. But if you've been there 10 years and never once heard a sermon on that... I'm not saying leave your church, but maybe supplement with some online sermons from somewhere.

True, I'm sure a long-married pastor could come up with a decent sermon on singleness based off of what is in the Bible...but honestly I'm not holding my breath for it and I don't think I'd want my pastor to even try . I've been there for 3 years and the only real mention I've heard was a 30-second blurb stuck on the end of an hour-long sermon about marriage. He was about to hand out little cross keychains to all the married people, and stuck in a 2-sentence mention for the single people, I think as an afterthought . I never did get a little cross keychain though because I didn't qualify.

But I don't mean to complain, I know the vast majority of adult Christians are married and I do like my church. And I don't go there to be emotionally coddled.....if I want to do any REAL iron-sharpening or really dig into a subject I come here to CC or talk to Christian friends IRL.

One thing I really DO like about my church is that regular members (including women) are allowed to speak as long as it's a testimony rather than a sermon. So during a testimony Sunday a few years ago I felt led talk about singleness and my journey with that. And the pastor did say it was a good testimony and he was sure it helped some people. So I guess the topic of singleness did get covered, in a sense!

 

[Lynx]

I think people view the life more or less as the same way dost matter if are Christian or not. To get married is a kind of social goal for most of us andthe vast majority of people don´t put his decisions in GOD´s hands. I personally still single at my 43's. I'm not sad but nor happy, that's because I feel that every year that passes it will be harder and harder for me to find that "special girl". I have decided to wait for her believing in GOD that someday she will appear but nothing until now. I have decided to wait because as seoulsearch said, I believe that everything that do not came from GOD always finish in bad way or came whit a lot of troubles. But to be hones I´m starting to get desperate a bit, but then I remember that the way of GOD are always better and maybe HE does not want for me to get married or maybe I just have to still waiting a little more. And to be clear I don´t want to get married just to please the social way of view. I have never cared much what society said or think. I want to get married because I always have been a family man, since I was a little child and as a family man, of course I want to form mine as well, If GOD wants.

Howdy Nicolas and welcome to the forum.

Interesting word choice, "desperate." I know a lot of people who get desperate to find a spouse.

Desperation is a curious thing. If I'm underwater long enough I get desperate for air. Out mowing too long without a drink, I get desperate for water. It's something I feel I must have RIGHT NOW! If someone with a gun was threatening people I would be desperate to stop him.

I don't know about the people I know who get desperate to find a spouse, why they feel desperation about it. But for me it would have to be if I felt like:
A - It was something essential for my survival;
B - I felt the opportunity to obtain it was slipping away.

I know both of those are not true. I can have a good life - in fact, at 46 I already have had one - as a single person, and I know of people who found the love of their lives and married when they were much older than I am.

But I still know a lot of people who get really desperate to find somebody. It's puzzling.

 

[Lynx]

I think people view the life more or less as the same way dost matter if are Christian or not. To get married is a kind of social goal for most of us andthe vast majority of people don´t put his decisions in GOD´s hands. I personally still single at my 43's. I'm not sad but nor happy, that's because I feel that every year that passes it will be harder and harder for me to find that "special girl". I have decided to wait for her believing in GOD that someday she will appear but nothing until now. I have decided to wait because as seoulsearch said, I believe that everything that do not came from GOD always finish in bad way or came whit a lot of troubles. But to be hones I´m starting to get desperate a bit, but then I remember that the way of GOD are always better and maybe HE does not want for me to get married or maybe I just have to still waiting a little more. And to be clear I don´t want to get married just to please the social way of view. I have never cared much what society said or think. I want to get married because I always have been a family man, since I was a little child and as a family man, of course I want to form mine as well, If GOD wants.

Ahem... Sorry. I get introspective a lot in the morning.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

 

[RodB651]

And I don't go there to be emotionally coddled.....

This is wisdom. If only all believers were like this.

if I want to do any REAL iron-sharpening or really dig into a subject I come here to CC or talk to Christian friends IRL.

I have found this to be true for myself. Mine comes through online group studies.

One thing I really DO like about my church is that regular members (including women) are allowed to speak as long as it's a testimony rather than a sermon. So during a testimony Sunday a few years ago I felt led talk about singleness and my journey with that. And the pastor did say it was a good testimony and he was sure it helped some people. So I guess the topic of singleness did get covered, in a sense!

I generally avoid testimony services. My experience with them is that most are not interested in the testimony unless it talks about being delivered from drugs or alcohol. There are people who need to hear that, but I'm not one of them. There was a time when this fella talked about being delivered from Marlboro cigarettes. Folks got to shouting etc.. and I was kinda new there and didn't know the established etiquette for unexpected shouting. I can't duck behind a pew cause I'm on the front row... 🤷

 

[Snackersmom]

This is wisdom. If only all believers were like this.

Thanks! But to be fair, my church has a pretty high percentage of mature believers. If we had a lot of baby Christians and seekers I'd expect a little more sensitivity from the pulpit. And I have found that God does know and care about our emotions, I just don't think a Sunday sermon is the best venue to address them. I handle that stuff one-on-one with God, or with another believer or two that I trust to understand and give perspective without sugarcoating.

I generally avoid testimony services. My experience with them is that most are not interested in the testimony unless it talks about being delivered from drugs or alcohol. There are people who need to hear that, but I'm not one of them. There was a time when this fella talked about being delivered from Marlboro cigarettes. Folks got to shouting etc.. and I was kinda new there and didn't know the established etiquette for unexpected shouting.

Dear goodness! But yeah, it does seem like a lot of people think they don't have a "real" testimony unless they were into the nasty stuff. I love testimonies in general though......never heard a boring one I don't think .

I can't duck behind a pew cause I'm on the front row... 🤷

Tactical error. ALWAYS sit on the back row!

 

[Nicolas]

Ahem... Sorry. I get introspective a lot in the morning.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

Ahem... Sorry. I get introspective a lot in the morning.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

Don't worry Lynx and thanks for your welcoming. In fact, your comments were really explicative and I know it wasn't with bad intentions.

I used the word desperate because was the first that came to my mind when I was writing my comment, but I should have used another one like anxious or concerned, and to be honest English is not my native language so sometimes I makes mistakes when I try to communicate something. I´m here more than nothing to practice and improve my English but I did not want to open an account in a secular chat website, so I came here. At least I can practice, talking about Cristians themes.

If I were desperate, I have married a long time ago whit the first lady that crosses in front to me, but I have decided to wait. Anyway, as you said, there are a lot of people out there that seems to be desperate to find a partner.

 

[Lynx]

Don't worry Lynx and thanks for your welcoming. In fact, your comments were really explicative and I know it wasn't with bad intentions.

I used the word desperate because was the first that came to my mind when I was writing my comment, but I should have used another one like anxious or concerned, and to be honest English is not my native language so sometimes I makes mistakes when I try to communicate something. I´m here more than nothing to practice and improve my English but I did not want to open an account in a secular chat website, so I came here. At least I can practice, talking about Cristians themes.

If I were desperate, I have married a long time ago whit the first lady that crosses in front to me, but I have decided to wait. Anyway, as you said, there are a lot of people out there that seems to be desperate to find a partner.

Yeah I get anxious sometimes too. Especially at 46.

Then I go to my job and I hear other people complaining about their spouses and their ex spouses and on and on and on... And I just start feeling so good about being single! Takes care of that lonely feeling.

 

[Nicolas]

Yeah I get anxious sometimes too. Especially at 46.

Then I go to my job and I hear other people complaining about their spouses and their ex spouses and on and on and on... And I just start feeling so good about being single! Takes care of that lonely feeling.

I guess that there always will be some difficult moments, even if you get to know the perfect person for you, that one that we say is the chosen by God for us. Problems and trouble are the usual this live. That is a risk that some of us are willing to take. You are right, living alone without anyone bothering you all the days is, of course a kind of a perfect life but sometimes, some of us want something more. Regards