Seoulsearch Tries To Date Multiple People At Once -- Ending In Epic Failure!
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Hi Sean, I'm not the most talkative knife in the drawer, I read a lot more than I post 
. Eating dinner right now and popped in to see if the thread I started is up for posting yet (It isn't!). Hope you had a good day though!
. Eating dinner right now and popped in to see if the thread I started is up for posting yet (It isn't!). Hope you had a good day though!
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Hi Sean, I'm not the most talkative knife in the drawer, I read a lot more than I post . Eating dinner right now and popped in to see if the thread I started is up for posting yet (It isn't!). Hope you had a good day though!
. Eating dinner right now and popped in to see if the thread I started is up for posting yet (It isn't!). Hope you had a good day though!
*Seoulsearch hunches over on her vulture stand and waits.*
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Lol, it's just one of those threads where you can post random questions to random members. I remember we had one of those back in the day before I left for a decade and it was really fun!
I do have another one in mind that's more of a deep psychological dive into Christian culture, you can reserve the vulture for that one lol
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Hmmmm, you say something happened around the year 2000, huh? . I was a high school junior that year, and I recall that the hottest trend in Christian dating was to kiss dating goodbye. All the good Christian girls I knew were adamant that they were only interested in a man who would "court" them. I looked into courting and it seemed dreadfully serious; if you began a courtship then you were expected to marry the guy unless something terrible happened to prevent it. It seemed like way too much to try to figure out before you even had a chance to get to know him. I had no idea what to even look for as far as compatibility goes, either. So I decided to be a rebel and just recklessly date every man who asked . NOT!!!!! I was a "Good girl" who was trying to follow the "rules", so I shot down every guy who showed interest in me if I wasn't comfortable with the thought of marrying him. Which was all of them .
Courting worked out ok for a lot of my friends, but I wish I had the self-awareness at that age to realize that it was a terrible fit for me personally. I realize it now, but I'm still finding my way through all the mental roadblocks I constructed in the meantime.
I have come to realize that what you said in bold is definitely the case for me personally. But for some reason it's still not well accepted in Christian circles.....people say it would lead to sin, or pain, or it's just plain wrong becasue the only reason men and women should be spending time together is to work towards the ultimate goal....marriage. But if a guy can't put up with me until we figure out if we're even possibly right for each other, then how the heck is he going to put up with me for the rest of my life?!? I can be pretty dang weird, I'd need him to know what he was getting himself into lol.
. I was a high school junior that year, and I recall that the hottest trend in Christian dating was to kiss dating goodbye. All the good Christian girls I knew were adamant that they were only interested in a man who would "court" them. I looked into courting and it seemed dreadfully serious; if you began a courtship then you were expected to marry the guy unless something terrible happened to prevent it. It seemed like way too much to try to figure out before you even had a chance to get to know him. I had no idea what to even look for as far as compatibility goes, either. So I decided to be a rebel and just recklessly date every man who asked . NOT!!!!! I was a "Good girl" who was trying to follow the "rules", so I shot down every guy who showed interest in me if I wasn't comfortable with the thought of marrying him. Which was all of them .Courting worked out ok for a lot of my friends, but I wish I had the self-awareness at that age to realize that it was a terrible fit for me personally. I realize it now, but I'm still finding my way through all the mental roadblocks I constructed in the meantime.
I have come to realize that what you said in bold is definitely the case for me personally. But for some reason it's still not well accepted in Christian circles.....people say it would lead to sin, or pain, or it's just plain wrong becasue the only reason men and women should be spending time together is to work towards the ultimate goal....marriage. But if a guy can't put up with me until we figure out if we're even possibly right for each other, then how the heck is he going to put up with me for the rest of my life?!? I can be pretty dang weird, I'd need him to know what he was getting himself into lol.
I always wanted to fall in love and be married, I just assumed it would happen by "magic". I wasn't in a rush because we think we're going to live forever. So, I didn't mind casual dating. I was just waiting for the whammy. You know... about being In Love or finding The One, they say, "You'll know". Good stuff...
I never did the official "courting" thing. But like you said, I think you'd have to have some very informative contact with someone before you'd know if a long process of courting is worthwhile. Maybe the idea is, if you're attracted to them and their a christian, that's enough? ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯
But yes, you're right that what I might think is being considerate or conscientious could actually be something unhealthy and unkind.......that's probably what I need to watch out for the most, really.
I have a crazy idea. Don't worry though; all my best ideas are crazy . Oh crap, wait......all my worst ideas were also crazy . Hmmm. Well, I guess we won't know which category this one fits into unless we try it out . Anyway, here it is: We can start a thread where members can each post 3 fake dating profiles, and you can tell us which one of the 3 you would choose. Then all of us dime-store therapists can analyze your choices and try to pick up on patterns of self-destructive tendencies! . Hmmm...ok now that I've typed it out, I'm pretty sure that one falls under "worst ideas" . But maybe I will start a thread on the topic, IDK...or you could, since it was your idea in the first place .
. Oh crap, wait......all my worst ideas were also crazy . Hmmm. Well, I guess we won't know which category this one fits into unless we try it out . Anyway, here it is: We can start a thread where members can each post 3 fake dating profiles, and you can tell us which one of the 3 you would choose. Then all of us dime-store therapists can analyze your choices and try to pick up on patterns of self-destructive tendencies! . Hmmm...ok now that I've typed it out, I'm pretty sure that one falls under "worst ideas" . But maybe I will start a thread on the topic, IDK...or you could, since it was your idea in the first place .
I think this one was supposed to be rhetorical? If not I'd be happy to give a shot at answering, but my guess could be dreadfully off the mark! If I were to try to answer, it would be helpful to know more about your selection process/criteria .
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@seoulsearch I never dated more than one woman at a time and there was plenty of time between them so I was never in danger of a mixup but there was this one time I was on the phone with a woman I had just started dating and I accidentally called her by another woman's name. I think something she said reminded me of another woman I had dated and her name came out. But she didn't say anything and never mentioned it. I wonder if she even heard it or noticed it. I never asked of course.
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That is how I felt exactly! Except in my case, I spent my teens and 20's (and most of my 30's) thinking that casual dating was a mortal sin. . But I was definitely holding out for the magic and expecting some sort of "whammy". Then when it came (the "love at first sight" instance I mentioned), it was so intense it scared me and I could barely eeke out a "hi" before fleeing at my first opportunity. And Jesus probly threw up His arms like "Make up your mind, woman....... I don't know what you want from me!!!"
I've heard many say that attraction isn't even a necessary ingrediant.... as long as they are a Christian you should be able to learn to love them and make them your "person". Maybe it worked ok for some, but I always seemed to need something much more specific.
I THINK I'm open to finding love and I have not been told by God personally that it's against His will (though kudos for acknowledging that could be the case!), but I'm also aware that God would have to be in it for a guy to push past my walls and barriers and hangups. And I have achieved a decent amount of peace with the thought of staying single. So I don't know. God likes to keep me in the dark until the last minute I think lol.
Regarding what I mean by "pushing away"..... well, guys are all different so I tailor it to them as individuals.
The sweet friend in my teens & 20's who wasn't good at expressing feelings but mustered the gumption to ask me out every year or so, I would just politely decline each time. I never had an actual conversation with him about it, which is one of my greatest regrets.
My goofy friend who gives great advice and helps me logic out issues and problems, I make sure to occasionally tease him about other girls and give him advice on how to ask them out (our dynamic is based off of mutual torment. It's a VERY long story.)
Others I have flat-out avoided, particularly those I feel suddenly drawn to like the "love at first sight" guy.
My longest and closest relationship I tried to push him away too, he was a very "upfront" kind of person so I just told him honestly that I didn't think it was worth the cost, my issues would get in the way and I had no desire to hurt him. But he said it was worth the risk to find out, and assured me that he would be ok. Sooooo...we spent the time to find out. It was a journey, and I have always been more of a journey person than a destination person. The destination did not turn out to be marriage but he was and is a great guy and I will be forever grateful for his patience and loyalty.
Ha, thanks...one of my nic-names in college was "the therapist"...... which is funny considering that I was a horticulture major. I'm fascinated by the reasons behind the things we do, how our pasts and experiences can mold us into something good, or something we don't like or recognize. Good thing we know The Great Potter who can set us aright when that happens!
Anyway.....if you are open to a guess, I don't know you very well but I would expect that women with issues are naturally drawn to you; you're a good listener, observant and insightful and you're probably good at making people feel "seen" (maybe for the first time in a long time for some). There's nothing wrong with dating someone with issues (We all have them to some extent!), but if they aren't actively working on them and trying to figure out what's a Godly boundary versus what's a trauma response, they're not going to be a good partner for you. I remember when you posted in my "Fear of Attraction" thread, you mentioned having (in the past) some avoidance tendencies (actually, what you described hit home the closest for me as far as explaining how I felt). Is it possible that, since you are (or have been in the past) holding out for the "whammy", then absent the whammy you are subconsciously more comfortable with the ladies who have an attachment disorder or hangup of some sort? Just thoughts! As I said previously, I could be dreadfully off the mark but that was just what came to mind. Hope it was at least vaguely helpful lol......likely there's multiple things at work but that could be a small piece of the puzzle .
I appreciate your insight and observations, your questions have really made me think...sorry this ended up so long though!
. But I was definitely holding out for the magic and expecting some sort of "whammy". Then when it came (the "love at first sight" instance I mentioned), it was so intense it scared me and I could barely eeke out a "hi" before fleeing at my first opportunity. And Jesus probly threw up His arms like "Make up your mind, woman....... I don't know what you want from me!!!" I've heard many say that attraction isn't even a necessary ingrediant.... as long as they are a Christian you should be able to learn to love them and make them your "person". Maybe it worked ok for some, but I always seemed to need something much more specific.
I THINK I'm open to finding love and I have not been told by God personally that it's against His will (though kudos for acknowledging that could be the case!
), but I'm also aware that God would have to be in it for a guy to push past my walls and barriers and hangups. And I have achieved a decent amount of peace with the thought of staying single. So I don't know. God likes to keep me in the dark until the last minute I think lol. Regarding what I mean by "pushing away"..... well, guys are all different so I tailor it to them as individuals
. The sweet friend in my teens & 20's who wasn't good at expressing feelings but mustered the gumption to ask me out every year or so, I would just politely decline each time. I never had an actual conversation with him about it, which is one of my greatest regrets.
My goofy friend who gives great advice and helps me logic out issues and problems, I make sure to occasionally tease him about other girls and give him advice on how to ask them out (our dynamic is based off of mutual torment. It's a VERY long story.
)Others I have flat-out avoided, particularly those I feel suddenly drawn to like the "love at first sight" guy.
My longest and closest relationship I tried to push him away too, he was a very "upfront" kind of person so I just told him honestly that I didn't think it was worth the cost, my issues would get in the way and I had no desire to hurt him. But he said it was worth the risk to find out, and assured me that he would be ok. Sooooo...we spent the time to find out. It was a journey, and I have always been more of a journey person than a destination person. The destination did not turn out to be marriage but he was and is a great guy and I will be forever grateful for his patience and loyalty.
Ha, thanks...one of my nic-names in college was "the therapist"...... which is funny considering that I was a horticulture major
. I'm fascinated by the reasons behind the things we do, how our pasts and experiences can mold us into something good, or something we don't like or recognize. Good thing we know The Great Potter who can set us aright when that happens!Anyway.....if you are open to a guess, I don't know you very well but I would expect that women with issues are naturally drawn to you; you're a good listener, observant and insightful and you're probably good at making people feel "seen" (maybe for the first time in a long time for some). There's nothing wrong with dating someone with issues (We all have them to some extent!), but if they aren't actively working on them and trying to figure out what's a Godly boundary versus what's a trauma response, they're not going to be a good partner for you. I remember when you posted in my "Fear of Attraction" thread, you mentioned having (in the past) some avoidance tendencies (actually, what you described hit home the closest for me as far as explaining how I felt). Is it possible that, since you are (or have been in the past) holding out for the "whammy", then absent the whammy you are subconsciously more comfortable with the ladies who have an attachment disorder or hangup of some sort?
Just thoughts! As I said previously, I could be dreadfully off the mark but that was just what came to mind. Hope it was at least vaguely helpful lol......likely there's multiple things at work but that could be a small piece of the puzzle .I appreciate your insight and observations, your questions have really made me think...sorry this ended up so long though!
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