Hey Everyone,
All the advice on the forum to date multiple people at once has had me thinking for a while. I was thinking about my own dating history, and trying to sort out why I have said for the longest time that I wouldn't do this. Then I remembered why.
Years ago, I actually tried an in-person dating service, as this was long before internet dating took off. It was insanely expensive and I'd never do it again, but I think I signed up for 12 matches. Although I didn't find someone, I did have some interesting conversations (and can tell you all the more to be careful out there!) Fortunately, they only gave you one match at a time and I liked being able to concentrate on talking to just one person.
Fast forward to a few years later when I was on a couple of paid Christian dating sites... My favorite thing back then was to hang out in the Christian Mingle chat rooms (arranged by ages in decades,) because I could see what people were like in real time. And of course, you got plenty of 50-year-olds hanging out in the 20-and-30-year-old rooms. (As far as I know, CM doesn't have these anymore? It's been years since I've looked at their site.)
Again, I didn't meet anyone special, but I did have some good conversations and learned from other's experiences. I also learned something very important about myself.
I had been chatting with a couple of really nice guys and when it felt comfortable, moved on to talking to the phone with a few of them. And I can still remember, I was talking with one guy, and I said something like, "Oh, that's right, your father..." and then I went on to finish what I thought was a story about his dad. And he paused for a minute, then said plainly, "Uh... that's not me."
In other words -- I WAS GETTING HIS STORY CONFUSED WITH THAT OF ANOTHER GUY I WAS TALKING TO -- AND I FELT SO BAD!!!
The poor guy was incredibly gracious about it, but understandably, we never talked again.
Shoot, it's not just in dating situations. I have a good friend I've known for years, but we only write each other a couple times a year, and when I asked how her parents were doing, she wrote back, "Well, I don't expect you to remember, Seoul, but my Dad actually died 20 years ago..." Oh my goodness. I felt like the worst friend ever.
Throughout my life, I've actually kept handwritten notes to remind me of people's important events, dates, and life facts, but I had foolishly gotten away from the practice, and it was obviously showing.
THIS is why I personally wouldn't date more than one person at a time. If I did, I would have to keep a fact-checking file on each person, then re-read it every time I talked to them to try to make sure I didn't mess up. I just remember that poor guy on the phone whose family information I incorrectly identified and how immensely disrespectful that was -- and all because I was talking to more than one person at a time -- even though it was all online.
And I thought about how I would feel if it got flipped around -- how would any of us feel if our "date" started talking to us earnestly about a family or life situation that wasn't ours, all because he was accidentally got our story mixed up with the 3 other girls he's dating?
It was about this time that I backed out of the dating scene, because I wanted to do better. I wanted to give someone the respect and attention he deserved, not a slice of time in between going out with Joe on Monday and Bobby on Friday.
And what really got to me is that I started wondering what kinds of affection are allowed on dates, because I would not feel comfortable dating someone if both of us were holding hands with/kissing other people on our days off from seeing each other. I know I probably sound like as old-fashioned as your Grandma -- heck, maybe even some people's Great-Grandma -- but for my own self, I felt that limiting my time and focus to just one person would be the most honorable thing to do.
I know others might be different though and maybe dating multiple people DOES work for them. Shoot, some people might even tell me I'm just too forgetful and/or stupid to be able to date several guys at once, lol, and I understand that. Or maybe they'll say I'm being too sensitive I'm turned off that my date gets my story mixed up with the girl he went out with the night before me.
So for those of you who DO think it's possible, I'm sincerely interested in how you keep all their stories straight. (Obviously, I can use these tips on just trying to remember facts about my long-term friends!)
* First of all, how do YOU feel about dating more than one person at a time? Yeah or Nah?
* If you DO see several people at once, how do you keep from mixing up their information?
* Do you feel it's ok to hold hands with, hug, and kiss each person when you take them out?
* What are you comfortable with your date doing in between dates with you: dating other people, holding hands with other people, hugging and kissing other people? And then being fresh, ready, and smiling to take YOU out the next night?
Everyone is welcome to answer -- it would be interesting to hear from our married friends about how this type of advice has worked -- or not -- in real life for them, or those they know.
I think this is going to be a fascinating discussion and I am eagerly awaiting your thoughts.
All the advice on the forum to date multiple people at once has had me thinking for a while. I was thinking about my own dating history, and trying to sort out why I have said for the longest time that I wouldn't do this. Then I remembered why.
Years ago, I actually tried an in-person dating service, as this was long before internet dating took off. It was insanely expensive and I'd never do it again, but I think I signed up for 12 matches. Although I didn't find someone, I did have some interesting conversations (and can tell you all the more to be careful out there!) Fortunately, they only gave you one match at a time and I liked being able to concentrate on talking to just one person.
Fast forward to a few years later when I was on a couple of paid Christian dating sites... My favorite thing back then was to hang out in the Christian Mingle chat rooms (arranged by ages in decades,) because I could see what people were like in real time. And of course, you got plenty of 50-year-olds hanging out in the 20-and-30-year-old rooms. (As far as I know, CM doesn't have these anymore? It's been years since I've looked at their site.)
Again, I didn't meet anyone special, but I did have some good conversations and learned from other's experiences. I also learned something very important about myself.
I had been chatting with a couple of really nice guys and when it felt comfortable, moved on to talking to the phone with a few of them. And I can still remember, I was talking with one guy, and I said something like, "Oh, that's right, your father..." and then I went on to finish what I thought was a story about his dad. And he paused for a minute, then said plainly, "Uh... that's not me."
In other words -- I WAS GETTING HIS STORY CONFUSED WITH THAT OF ANOTHER GUY I WAS TALKING TO -- AND I FELT SO BAD!!!
The poor guy was incredibly gracious about it, but understandably, we never talked again.
Shoot, it's not just in dating situations. I have a good friend I've known for years, but we only write each other a couple times a year, and when I asked how her parents were doing, she wrote back, "Well, I don't expect you to remember, Seoul, but my Dad actually died 20 years ago..." Oh my goodness. I felt like the worst friend ever.
Throughout my life, I've actually kept handwritten notes to remind me of people's important events, dates, and life facts, but I had foolishly gotten away from the practice, and it was obviously showing.
THIS is why I personally wouldn't date more than one person at a time. If I did, I would have to keep a fact-checking file on each person, then re-read it every time I talked to them to try to make sure I didn't mess up. I just remember that poor guy on the phone whose family information I incorrectly identified and how immensely disrespectful that was -- and all because I was talking to more than one person at a time -- even though it was all online.
And I thought about how I would feel if it got flipped around -- how would any of us feel if our "date" started talking to us earnestly about a family or life situation that wasn't ours, all because he was accidentally got our story mixed up with the 3 other girls he's dating?
It was about this time that I backed out of the dating scene, because I wanted to do better. I wanted to give someone the respect and attention he deserved, not a slice of time in between going out with Joe on Monday and Bobby on Friday.
And what really got to me is that I started wondering what kinds of affection are allowed on dates, because I would not feel comfortable dating someone if both of us were holding hands with/kissing other people on our days off from seeing each other. I know I probably sound like as old-fashioned as your Grandma -- heck, maybe even some people's Great-Grandma -- but for my own self, I felt that limiting my time and focus to just one person would be the most honorable thing to do.
I know others might be different though and maybe dating multiple people DOES work for them. Shoot, some people might even tell me I'm just too forgetful and/or stupid to be able to date several guys at once, lol, and I understand that. Or maybe they'll say I'm being too sensitive I'm turned off that my date gets my story mixed up with the girl he went out with the night before me.
So for those of you who DO think it's possible, I'm sincerely interested in how you keep all their stories straight. (Obviously, I can use these tips on just trying to remember facts about my long-term friends!)
* First of all, how do YOU feel about dating more than one person at a time? Yeah or Nah?
* If you DO see several people at once, how do you keep from mixing up their information?
* Do you feel it's ok to hold hands with, hug, and kiss each person when you take them out?
* What are you comfortable with your date doing in between dates with you: dating other people, holding hands with other people, hugging and kissing other people? And then being fresh, ready, and smiling to take YOU out the next night?
Everyone is welcome to answer -- it would be interesting to hear from our married friends about how this type of advice has worked -- or not -- in real life for them, or those they know.
I think this is going to be a fascinating discussion and I am eagerly awaiting your thoughts.
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