Struggling

[Follower7]

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor. But seeing abusive leaders in positions of power that are harming those trying to focus on Christ but are still in positions of power, or those that have sexually abused congregates but takes a while for them to be removed in their leadership roles. Or not having any Christian friends anymore or people to discuss faith with. Or the many differences in the Christian faith but specifically around people such as women, single moms, gender in leadership etc. People seem to see a different Jesus then I do...one that wants obedience but is for both male and female and for where their heart is and in telling genders they have specific roles that they must stay in their lane. Also, questioning if I can continue with my marriage where it feels I take care of everything and they forget, or they are no longer interested in faith which feels like its me pulling a huge wagon uphill. I'm just exhausted, I do devotions, pray but don't feel I am receiving anything but a depressed spirit that feels alone in their faith journey but am required to keep pouring from an empty cup.
I hope this makes sense to someone. Just is there actually a God, or have I been fooled all this time. Spending countless hours of study, prayer to something/someone that is not there....

 

[Cameron143]

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor. But seeing abusive leaders in positions of power that are harming those trying to focus on Christ but are still in positions of power, or those that have sexually abused congregates but takes a while for them to be removed in their leadership roles. Or not having any Christian friends anymore or people to discuss faith with. Or the many differences in the Christian faith but specifically around people such as women, single moms, gender in leadership etc. People seem to see a different Jesus then I do...one that wants obedience but is for both male and female and for where their heart is and in telling genders they have specific roles that they must stay in their lane. Also, questioning if I can continue with my marriage where it feels I take care of everything and they forget, or they are no longer interested in faith which feels like its me pulling a huge wagon uphill. I'm just exhausted, I do devotions, pray but don't feel I am receiving anything but a depressed spirit that feels alone in their faith journey but am required to keep pouring from an empty cup.
I hope this makes sense to someone. Just is there actually a God, or have I been fooled all this time. Spending countless hours of study, prayer to something/someone that is not there....

Sometimes God leaves us alone for a season to expose to us all that is in our hearts. During such times it is not unusual for doubt to creep in. It must have been how John the Baptist felt after having done all that God had asked of him, and yet he found himself in prison. After encouraging him by reminding him of all that was being accomplished for the kingdom, Jesus left him with some sage advice...blessed is he, whosoever is not offended in Me. You know what He is saying? Blessing accrues to those who accept the way God chooses to exercise His sovereignty in our lives, trusting that He knows best.
I hope and pray you find this blessing.

 

[Jeraboo]

He's there, remember the footprints in the sand?

 

[Jeraboo]

There's plenty of challenges in society and communities today, especially in church communities, I didn't mean for my reply to ignore your experience... losing sight of the people, not seeing them as HIS Image, as we all are, not always seeing past flesh and blood and the influences of this world, can affect us all; Yet it's something to remember (i need reminding to) that HE created us all, His understanding is not our understanding, and HE never leaves us nor forsakes us;

 

[Mem]

It is my opinion that the level of competence of a (good) leader is measured primarily in their ability to influence rather than their power to control. Influence without interest in control reciprocates a willingness to change while control without interest of influence commonly generates a hostile revolt, or at least so it would seem to me.

 

[Adstar]

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor. But seeing abusive leaders in positions of power that are harming those trying to focus on Christ but are still in positions of power, or those that have sexually abused congregates but takes a while for them to be removed in their leadership roles. Or not having any Christian friends anymore or people to discuss faith with. Or the many differences in the Christian faith but specifically around people such as women, single moms, gender in leadership etc. People seem to see a different Jesus then I do...one that wants obedience but is for both male and female and for where their heart is and in telling genders they have specific roles that they must stay in their lane. Also, questioning if I can continue with my marriage where it feels I take care of everything and they forget, or they are no longer interested in faith which feels like its me pulling a huge wagon uphill. I'm just exhausted, I do devotions, pray but don't feel I am receiving anything but a depressed spirit that feels alone in their faith journey but am required to keep pouring from an empty cup.
I hope this makes sense to someone. Just is there actually a God, or have I been fooled all this time. Spending countless hours of study, prayer to something/someone that is not there....

You sound like someone who built the foundation of their Faith on earthly organizations and people.. Better to build from the Holy Bible and the Word of God then hope for other humans to live out the perfection that is Christ..

As far as i am concerned i could end up in a Noah type situation being alone with the LORD and while that would be incredibly sad i could keep on walking with the LORD to my last day..

And to answer your question.. Yes indeed there is a God and He is the God of Abraham.. If you have been fooled in any way it may have been in relying on other humans to reflect God in this world in their faulty flesh..

Don't mix up you relationship with the LORD with your relationships with other human beings..

 

[EternalFire]

I pray that Jesus will reveal his God to you.

 

[maxwel]

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor.

I think the first step is to explore what led you to becoming an "ex" pastor.

.

 

[Follower7]

Sometimes God leaves us alone for a season to expose to us all that is in our hearts. During such times it is not unusual for doubt to creep in. It must have been how John the Baptist felt after having done all that God had asked of him, and yet he found himself in prison. After encouraging him by reminding him of all that was being accomplished for the kingdom, Jesus left him with some sage advice...blessed is he, whosoever is not offended in Me. You know what He is saying? Blessing accrues to those who accept the way God chooses to exercise His sovereignty in our lives, trusting that He knows best.
I hope and pray you find this blessing.

Thank you Cameron for this. That is where my eyes need to see and be reminded of all that he is accomplishing. Whatever that may be. He has certainly blessed me. Thank you

 

[Follower7]

He's there, remember the footprints in the sand?

Thank you. Although he may be gently dragging me at the moment
Thank you for your follow up, I read your first response as encouragement as I did the second. So thank you.

 

[Follower7]

It is my opinion that the level of competence of a (good) leader is measured primarily in their ability to influence rather than their power to control. Influence without interest in control reciprocates a willingness to change while control without interest of influence commonly generates a hostile revolt, or at least so it would seem to me.

Yes you are so right. That is why at times I have difficulty seeing those who have been placed in positions of power that are abusing that power. Not using it as influence but as control. Seeing that hostile revolt, and making hard decisions as to when to speak, when to be quiet and when to exit at times feels weighty when all your really want to Jesus to be seen.

 

[Follower7]

You sound like someone who built the foundation of their Faith on earthly organizations and people.. Better to build from the Holy Bible and the Word of God then hope for other humans to live out the perfection that is Christ..

As far as i am concerned i could end up in a Noah type situation being alone with the LORD and while that would be incredibly sad i could keep on walking with the LORD to my last day..

And to answer your question.. Yes indeed there is a God and He is the God of Abraham.. If you have been fooled in any way it may have been in relying on other humans to reflect God in this world in their faulty flesh..

Don't mix up you relationship with the LORD with your relationships with other human beings..

Thank you for your response and this gentle correction. I don't think my faith has been built on people, but I do think my eyes stray from Christ and who he is, to what I see in his followers. You are right.
It is sometimes that loneliness in my faith that I find my focus wanders. Life, and life in the world which looks like a godless society feels like a bigger mountain that I can climb somedays. But God is God and People are not, thus constantly falling short despite their level of knowledge and understanding of God.

 

[Follower7]

I pray that Jesus will reveal his God to you.

I really appreciate response. Thank you.

 

[Follower7]

I think the first step is to explore what led you to becoming an "ex" pastor.

.

Thank you for your response. I do know why that is, he is using me in other areas at the moment rather than a paid pastoral position and in the meantime he is healing me from the trauma from this position. Thank God.

 

[TolworthJohn]

I'm just exhausted,

May I suggest that you talk to your doctor about your feelings of depression and of tiredness.

If you can talk to a Christian you respect and seek out a church where you can slip in the back and worship.

There is a God, why else is there anything.
Sometimes we just need to stop and look/listen.

 

[Mem]

Yes you are so right. That is why at times I have difficulty seeing those who have been placed in positions of power that are abusing that power. Not using it as influence but as control. Seeing that hostile revolt, and making hard decisions as to when to speak, when to be quiet and when to exit at times feels weighty when all your really want to Jesus to be seen.

Look at yourself as a sower, with the only seed given you to work with is your faith (that no one can take from you, which not from the collective lack of trying, so neither let anyone take it from you). Just put it out there and trust God will tend the ground around it. Whether that is directly or by sending others, that's left up to God's discretion.

And be encouraged, not discouraged. Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader).

 

[Follower7]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond - for your encouragement, your prayers, your words of wisdom, your corrections and questions. I greatly appreciate this and today was able to enter into a more focused time of devotion, prayer and worship.

May I suggest that you talk to your doctor about your feelings of depression and of tiredness.

If you can talk to a Christian you respect and seek out a church where you can slip in the back and worship.

There is a God, why else is there anything.
Sometimes we just need to stop and look/listen.

Thank you for your response and concern. It is not clinical depression that I am experiencing but I appreciate the suggestion.
Unfortunately, in my area, I am having a difficult time finding a Christian I can respect to speak with. Those I have been in relationship with are wishy washy and not authentic, but thank you. Slipping in and out of church, without knowing the background information, does seem to be in line with what is needed. Thank you for this suggestion.

 

[Follower7]

Look at yourself as a sower, with the only seed given you to work with is your faith (that no one can take from you, which not from the collective lack of trying, so neither let anyone take it from you). Just put it out there and trust God will tend the ground around it. Whether that is directly or by sending others, that's left up to God's discretion.

And be encouraged, not discouraged. Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader).

Can I ask that you rephrase "Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader)" to ensure I understand what you are meaning. Appreciate it.

 

[Mem]

Can I ask that you rephrase "Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader)" to ensure I understand what you are meaning. Appreciate it.

In the OP, you mentioned issues relating to the controversy within the context of women placed in pastoral positions and concluded that is among the things of which complicate your struggle, being aware that opponents of the legitimacy of women in the position of pastor is often analogized as working within the spirit that Jezebel personifies (controlling). And my comment pertaining to myself was meant to express the closest I come to that accusation. That is, I do not operate in that spirit even if I might've "tolerated" it in others.

 

[Mem]

*note
it is my habit to see needed additions to my posts and edit them after submitting, so it is advisable to wait out the five-minute edit window before reading them in their entirety