I also need some advice.

[Ali]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

 

[D3vot3d]

Only God alone knows every situation. Seek his advice through his word on marriage, raising children and satan' tactics to discourage and frustrate believers. Draw closer to him and submit this in prayer, being willing to wait on his direction. Let him fight your battle, he alone can change hearts.
I too will be asking God for your directives.

 

[EternalFire]

That sounds extremely frustrating.

Is he willing to go to counseling with you, for either marriage, parenting, or both?

 

[HeIsHere]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

Conflicting messages from parents can cause problems presently and in the future, I can relate to this situation, it is indeed a challenge.

I am wondering why he is undermining you, it may not only be about different parenting styles... can you talk to him about it?

Or perhaps a third party like your pastor, teacher or other family member can help, help your husband understand that both parents need to be on the same page when it comes to raising a child.

 

[Ali]

Conflicting messages from parents can cause problems presently and in the future, I can relate to this situation, it is indeed a challenge.

I am wondering why he is undermining you, it may not only be about different parenting styles... can you talk to him about it?

Or perhaps a third party like your pastor, teacher or other family member can help, help your husband understand that both parents need to be on the same page when it comes to raising a child.

My husband is not a believer. If anything he is convinced that most pastors are frauds. Family is also in short supply as we are both from small families with deceased parents.

I also wondered about the true reason behind his actions, and
I signed us up for free couples counseling offered by the state. But he is of the opinion that the therapists are not confidential, so he is unwilling to share and does not make a committed effort to attend sessions though he is on vacation time.

I have committed the matter to the Lord as I saw suggested in a previous reply and I pray for God to change his heart with all of mine.

I bought books on marriage and child rearing and brought them to his attention asking that we set aside a little time each evening to read just few paragraphs together. I know he is not a strong reader and does not like to feel less than in anyway. Erego I did my best to keep it light and inviting. He agreed initially and we set a time. The following evening as I brought in one of the books to the room he was "busy" and subsequently informed me that he doesn't want to hear anything about the books again.

Because we are unequally yolked there have been other problems in the marriage, however I have been able to find a strategy for each that I can be able to cope.

This one worries me no end because I see the immediate effects and I dread the potentialities of the future.

I have started recieving complaints from my son's nursery school teacher. Upon bringing it up to my husband he responded that the child's behaviour it is my fault as I am his primary care giver most of the time.

Yes, I am frustrated, at my wits end and very afraid that if we don't get it right our beloved child will pay the price.

 

[GRACE_ambassador]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage

Precious friend, A Very Warm Welcome. I will pray for you.
Please Be Very Richly Encouraged and Comforted In:

God's Grace Word for our infirmities!

Amen.

 

[presidente]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

If your husband were a believer, you could reason with him based on 'Children obey your parents in the Lord' and 'Honor thy father and they mother.'

You can also gently tell him that you like how your son is obedient to his father. You would like him to back up your authority as an extension of your authority, and if mommy says to do it, daddy holds your son accountable for obeying that. When he is not there, you need your son to obey you, or it could be unsafe for him. What if he wanted to play with knives or run into the street and he'd been trained not to obey you?

Instead of books, how about viewing some carefully-selected short Youtube videos on parenting?

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authoritt somey this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

The issue seems like your husband is treating his time away the same as if you were divorced. What I mean by that is I watched my brother in law do the same with his daughter. My sister is his second wife, he had a daughter with his first wife. It became a struggle for my sister because the child was allowed to do whatever she wanted. My sister felt like her home wasn't her own. As soon as the girl cried or turned up her nose, everything had to be done to make her happy again. My sister was at her wits end trying to please this child. We all told my BIL that he was hurting, not helping the child but he refused to listen. Even in counseling.

Fast forward and that girl is now an adult. She's not yet 30, has been divorced twice, had a daughter out of wedlock and just recently had a boy with a man she doesn't even know. So she has two children under 5 and no husband to help her. She has no self control, she parties on the weekend while family keep her children. She is living a very unhappy life.

So let's get down to the point. My BIL was doing everything to keep his daughter happy because he felt guilty about the divorce. He didn't want to be seen as the "bad" parent who disciplined the child. He wanted her happy, happy, happy all the time. He made a mess of her life because he didn't teach her self control or the realities of life, that sometimes you have to do what you don't want or like to do. She can barely hold a job, has no idea how to keep a house. In the end my BIL didn't help her but stunted her growth, treating her like a baby giving her everything.

I believe your husband is doing the same thing. I think he feels guilty that he has to be away and so when he comes home he wants happy, happy, happy. He doesn't want the child upset. He doesn't want to deal with parenting. He wants to be the good or popular parent and you to be the heavy. That is unfair to you. And that is unfair to the child. He's doing damage to the child. And the thing is he doesn't see it, but he's doing it for selfish reasons. He's not doing it for the child. You're beginning to see issues with your son, that's not good. If what he was doing was for your sons benefit you'd be seeing improvements, not issues with behavior. Your husband needs to understand that it is not realistic to never have issues in life, you're putting your child in a dangerous place. What he's doing is not for himself, it's selfish, and it's unfair to you. I wonder how he would feel if you parented like he did for a while and see where that goes. Somehow you need to make him see that in the long fun he is doing damage to your child because he's being a selfish and lazy parent.

 

[Mem]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

The truth will set you free, so don't be afraid to express it. Scripture say honor your father and you mother and you will have a long life (paraphrasing). So, in essence your son is displaying the desire for only half the quality of life. I might lighten that reality a bit if I should encounter backtalk, with the old saying, "Listen here kiddo, I brought you into the world..."

It's unfortunate that you must be the 'bad guy' but you must care enough to accept that charge. Your son will appreciate later when he looks back on his life.

 

[Ali]

The issue seems like your husband is treating his time away the same as if you were divorced. What I mean by that is I watched my brother in law do the same with his daughter. My sister is his second wife, he had a daughter with his first wife. It became a struggle for my sister because the child was allowed to do whatever she wanted. My sister felt like her home wasn't her own. As soon as the girl cried or turned up her nose, everything had to be done to make her happy again. My sister was at her wits end trying to please this child. We all told my BIL that he was hurting, not helping the child but he refused to listen. Even in counseling.

Fast forward and that girl is now an adult. She's not yet 30, has been divorced twice, had a daughter out of wedlock and just recently had a boy with a man she doesn't even know. So she has two children under 5 and no husband to help her. She has no self control, she parties on the weekend while family keep her children. She is living a very unhappy life.

So let's get down to the point. My BIL was doing everything to keep his daughter happy because he felt guilty about the divorce. He didn't want to be seen as the "bad" parent who disciplined the child. He wanted her happy, happy, happy all the time. He made a mess of her life because he didn't teach her self control or the realities of life, that sometimes you have to do what you don't want or like to do. She can barely hold a job, has no idea how to keep a house. In the end my BIL didn't help her but stunted her growth, treating her like a baby giving her everything.

I believe your husband is doing the same thing. I think he feels guilty that he has to be away and so when he comes home he wants happy, happy, happy. He doesn't want the child upset. He doesn't want to deal with parenting. He wants to be the good or popular parent and you to be the heavy. That is unfair to you. And that is unfair to the child. He's doing damage to the child. And the thing is he doesn't see it, but he's doing it for selfish reasons. He's not doing it for the child. You're beginning to see issues with your son, that's not good. If what he was doing was for your sons benefit you'd be seeing improvements, not issues with behavior. Your husband needs to understand that it is not realistic to never have issues in life, you're putting your child in a dangerous place. What he's doing is not for himself, it's selfish, and it's unfair to you. I wonder how he would feel if you parented like he did for a while and see where that goes. Somehow you need to make him see that in the long fun he is doing damage to your child because he's being a selfish and lazy parent.

I think you are onto something. How very perceptive of you. I am just now remembering a recent incident in which we dropped our son off to school and he asked for money to buy the fruit popsicles the school sells daily for about 50 cents. I didn't have any change, so I said that I would buy them for him myself when I came back to pick him up. My son got upset and was just starting to "cry"when my husband got out the equivalent of a USD 20 dollar bill and gave it to him because he didn't have change either. It was a little extreme I thought to give a toddler such a large bill for such a small purchase, but I said nothing.
I am still trusting God for His intervention. Thank you to all of you who took the time to reply with your much-appreciated advice, thoughts and prayers. Please pray for us and for the child God has entrusted to us that we may raise him to be a Godly man of good character, an asset to HIS kingdom.

 

[Dino246]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

Sorry you’re dealing with this. As your husband is being extremely unwise, I would suggest that you address this with the long term in mind. Your husband is raising a misogynistic tyrant. If you can show him the kind of person your son will become, he might listen to reason.

 

[Ali]

Sorry you’re dealing with this. As your husband is being extremely unwise, I would suggest that you address this with the long term in mind. Your husband is raising a misogynistic tyrant. If you can show him the kind of person your son will become, he might listen to reason.

I am trying all that I know to make my husband see reason: logic, tears ,and even anger. I am beginning to lose hope in his reasoning skills on this matter. I truly have hope in God only at this point and that I might be able to influence our child when he is away at work. I hope perhaps those little seeds of self control and discipline along with the prayer and Bible study the child does with me will bear good fruit in spite of all this.

 

[Dino246]

I am trying all that I know to make my husband see reason: logic, tears ,and even anger. I am beginning to lose hope in his reasoning skills on this matter. I truly have hope in God only at this point and that I might be able to influence our child when he is away at work. I hope perhaps those little seeds of self control and discipline along with the prayer and Bible study the child does with me will bear good fruit in spite of all this.

Your situation is sadly common: one parent is lenient and the other is left with all the responsibility for training the child. The wise parent is resented by the child while the foolish parent is loved. Sadly, many children of such parents won’t learn until they are adults themselves… if ever.

Put the results in the Lord’s hands. Do your part and try to avoid battling your husband. God will bless and reward your efforts.

 

[HeIsHere]

I am trying all that I know to make my husband see reason: logic, tears ,and even anger. I am beginning to lose hope in his reasoning skills on this matter. I truly have hope in God only at this point and that I might be able to influence our child when he is away at work. I hope perhaps those little seeds of self control and discipline along with the prayer and Bible study the child does with me will bear good fruit in spite of all this.

My thoughts are really we cannot change others we can only change how we interact with them. So I feel since he is aware of your concerns let it go.

A long time ago I worked at a Mental Health Treatment Center for young children. I do believe your son is young enough that it can be turned around at least when you are with him.

First and foremost be consistent and put in place a good behaviour management program built on the sound principles of reinforcing prosocial behaviour and working to extinguish mal-adaptive behaviours.

There is nothing wrong with setting up systems like "first" "then" reinforcing and ignoring, but you have to be consistent and firm.
Ultimately I think children like having structure and knowing what the expectations are and reinforcers can be faded over time if done properly.

Pick you battles on what and where you need your son to be most compliant. I would also say where your husband is more lenient let it go, certainly a toddler is not going to be interested in doing "school work" learning at that age should be more exploratory and fun.

 

[Ali]

My thoughts are really we cannot change others we can only change how we interact with them. So I feel since he is aware of your concerns let it go.

A long time ago I worked at a Mental Health Treatment Center for young children. I do believe your son is young enough that it can be turned around at least when you are with him.

First and foremost be consistent and put in place a good behaviour management program built on the sound principles of reinforcing prosocial behaviour and working to extinguish mal-adaptive behaviours.

There is nothing wrong with setting up systems like "first" "then" reinforcing and ignoring, but you have to be consistent and firm.
Ultimately I think children like having structure and knowing what the expectations are and reinforcers can be faded over time if done properly.

Pick you battles on what and where you need your son to be most compliant. I would also say where your husband is more lenient let it go, certainly a toddler is not going to be interested in doing "school work" learning at that age should be more exploratory and fun.

Thank you for your advice. It might not come as a surprise to you that letting it go is easier said than done, but I am working on it for sure as far as I can.
However,whether we like it or not the world we live in does require us to live up to timeliness, manners and other social and professional protocols. Everyday execution of this is made a whole lot harder when simple tasks are an unnecessary struggle. God knows I hold my tongue. And I am actively seeking non confrontational ways of handling this while getting the desired result both with our child and his father.
I agree with you that learning when I was a toddler seemed a lot less formal. Education systems differ across countries and regions. Here our government sends workbooks to the nursery schools that are expected to be completed in Math, Writing Skills and Literacy. I don't expect my toddler to spend an hour with book and pen in hand. Certainly not! A puzzle to reinforce shapes here, a printable with a bit of tracing and colouring there and perhaps a picture study to reinforce the social concepts taught during the week. We may count and group a few items by colour, shape or size and not all at once either. My goal is for him to participate at home in a few activities to remind him what is being taught.

 

[Edify]

I am trying all that I know to make my husband see reason: logic, tears ,and even anger. I am beginning to lose hope in his reasoning skills on this matter. I truly have hope in God only at this point and that I might be able to influence our child when he is away at work. I hope perhaps those little seeds of self control and discipline along with the prayer and Bible study the child does with me will bear good fruit in spite of all this.

If he doesn't allow you to discipline, he's disrespecting both you & your beliefs
If you've really done everything, threaten him with divorce. If that doesn't affect him, serve him divorce papers immediately.
This isn't my usual advice, but if you've done everything, you're done.
Another reason I would present papers immediately is that if he feels threatened with time on his side he might run off with the child.
Also get his license plate #, you might need it later. If you have a joint account, wipe it out & start a new one with your name only.
I know how it sounds, but he's smarter than you think.

 

[Ali]

If he doesn't allow you to discipline, he's disrespecting both you & your beliefs
If you've really done everything, threaten him with divorce. If that doesn't affect him, serve him divorce papers immediately.
This isn't my usual advice, but if you've done everything, you're done.
Another reason I would present papers immediately is that if he feels threatened with time on his side he might run off with the child.
Also get his license plate #, you might need it later. If you have a joint account, wipe it out & start a new one with your name only.
I know how it sounds, but he's smarter than you think.

Do you really think it calls for a divorce? Not that it hasn't crossed my mind at least once. I figured that's not a viable answer. Honestly, I have had my internal questions about if staying is in the best interest if our child. I sadly have no real answer in my heart to that. I am blind trusting God at the moment to do what needs to be done in our thinking, hearts, mind and lives.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Do you really think it calls for a divorce? Not that it hasn't crossed my mind at least once. I figured that's not a viable answer. Honestly, I have had my internal questions about if staying is in the best interest if our child. I sadly have no real answer in my heart to that. I am blind trusting God at the moment to do what needs to be done in our thinking, hearts, mind and lives.

I'm not a professional, so I don't claim to be right here, but I think you might want to talk to your husband about parenting from guilt. I really do think that is the issue.

 

[Ali]

I'm not a professional, so I don't claim to be right here, but I think you might want to talk to your husband about parenting from guilt. I really do think that is the issue.

Indeed he quasi owns it. He is of the opinion that it's something he has a right to do and I should just look the other way. A bit of indulgence towards a child he loves and doesn't get to spend as much time as he would like with. The task now is getting him to see what the constant indulgence could spell down the road for a child that can't understand "no" and will not cooperate in situations where he needs to because he wants to do what he wants to do and is accustomed to getting his own way.

 

[blueluna5]

I am unsure of how to handle a situation in my marriage. My husband and I share a toddler, a son, one that I prayed dearly to God for after years of marriage. We were finally blessed. Our son was born prematurely and has had some behavioral and developmental problems. But things are getting better. Thank God.

The problem is that my husband wants our son to obey him exclusively. He encourages him to disregard my instructions if what I instruct the child to do is not what the child wants to do in that moment. I am talking about basic things like eating, bathing and schoolwork. He often takes the child and involves him in watching cartoons or taking a nap if the child says he doesn't want to do what I ask.

It has gotten to the point that daily I struggle to get our son to cooperate with the necessary tasks to get him and I out to school and work respectively in a timely manner. My son takes lightly everything that I say, checking in with his father first and delaying things or just point blank not getting it done.

I love my child with all my heart. I have asked my husband to tell him that he should obey me as his mother and make it clear that he supports any instructions I give. But he won't.
My husband works seasonally and is not always around. When he is, he is on vacation and feels that he should be able to have a "nice time" with his son and "comfort him" if he wants to with no regard to the lack of respect for authority this is fostering in the child.
How do I handle this as a believing wife?

That's a really tough one and typically it's the opposite. I would talk to your husband about it and be specific on your expectations of your kid. Make sure he is on the same page, and explain its just you guys when he's away and you want good habits.

For your child, establish boundaries. A boundary is something you control, and requires your kid to do nothing. "I'm taking the remote and when you finish your homework you can have it." "If you don't sit and eat dinner, I'm taking away snacks. " etc.