~Chuckle for the Day~
- Thread starter Bingo
- Start date
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun.
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun.
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Here is something to give you a break from politics and worrying about things.
VERY
INTERESTING STUFF
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
To beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
Of thumb'
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
Into the English language.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The first couple to
Be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money
Is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller
Print than women can; women can hear better.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was
Originally green.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick
Your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The State with the
Highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
This...)
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
A medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The average number
Of people airborne over the U.S. In any given
Hour:
61,000
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Intelligent people
Have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The first novel ever
Written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
------------
-- ------------ --------- ---------
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck
Of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander,
The Great
Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
If a statue in the
Park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
The person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
The air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
Of natural causes
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Only two people
Signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
And Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
The last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------
Most boat owners
Name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
Requested?
A.
Obsession
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to
Spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
Would find the letter 'A'?
A. One
Thousand
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do
Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
Printers have in common?
A. All were invented
By women.
------------
--------- --------- --------- -----
Q. What is the only
Food that doesn't spoil?
A.
Honey
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are
There more collect calls than any other day of the
Year?
A. Father's
Day
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.
I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
VERY
INTERESTING STUFF
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
To beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
Of thumb'
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
Into the English language.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The first couple to
Be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money
Is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller
Print than women can; women can hear better.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was
Originally green.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick
Your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The State with the
Highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
This...)
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
A medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The average number
Of people airborne over the U.S. In any given
Hour:
61,000
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Intelligent people
Have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
The first novel ever
Written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
------------
-- ------------ --------- ---------
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck
Of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander,
The Great
Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
If a statue in the
Park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
The person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
The air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
Of natural causes
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Only two people
Signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
And Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
The last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------
Most boat owners
Name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
Requested?
A.
Obsession
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to
Spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
Would find the letter 'A'?
A. One
Thousand
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do
Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
Printers have in common?
A. All were invented
By women.
------------
--------- --------- --------- -----
Q. What is the only
Food that doesn't spoil?
A.
Honey
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are
There more collect calls than any other day of the
Year?
A. Father's
Day
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.
I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
Attachments
YOUKNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2023 when...
1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee
11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
View attachment 263435
1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee
11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
View attachment 263435
Mark Hamill Joins Death Star Press Conference To Say What A Good Job He Thinks The Emperor Is Doing
CELEBS·May 3, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
DEATH STAR — Viewers of the Imperial News Network were stunned today, as Mark Hamill joined a Death Star press conference to say what a good job he thinks the Emperor is doing.
The surprise appearance, reportedly put together in an effort to shore up Emperor Palpatine's dwindling support throughout the galaxy, featured Hamill giving the Empire his official seal of approval.
"I hope the next two decades of his tyrannical rule is just as successful as his last two decades," Hamill said solemnly as he stood behind the podium. "No leader has ever ruled as well as the Emperor has. Everyone should ignore all the negative talk about falling wages, the deadly spice epidemic sweeping across the galaxy, unrest breaking out on every star system, and the continued flood of undocumented Gungans being transported to settle on other planets. Emperor Palpatine is the greatest leader this galaxy has ever had, and I'm proud to serve him faithfully."
A spokesperson for the Empire thanked Hamill for his endorsement. "The Emperor is honored to have Mr. Hamill's support," said Death Star Press Secretary Karibo Jen-Parassian. "He is a revered actor who is obviously an authority on which politicians everyone should side with. The Emperor is even considering making Mr. Hamill his newest apprentice."
Hamill later said he would do whatever he could to help Palpatine continue to crush his opposition and enforce rigid totalitarianism throughout the galaxy.
At publishing time, Hamill had reportedly asked for permission to hit the "FIRE" button when the Death Star destroys the next planet that dares to oppose the Emperor.
CELEBS·May 3, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
DEATH STAR — Viewers of the Imperial News Network were stunned today, as Mark Hamill joined a Death Star press conference to say what a good job he thinks the Emperor is doing.
The surprise appearance, reportedly put together in an effort to shore up Emperor Palpatine's dwindling support throughout the galaxy, featured Hamill giving the Empire his official seal of approval.
"I hope the next two decades of his tyrannical rule is just as successful as his last two decades," Hamill said solemnly as he stood behind the podium. "No leader has ever ruled as well as the Emperor has. Everyone should ignore all the negative talk about falling wages, the deadly spice epidemic sweeping across the galaxy, unrest breaking out on every star system, and the continued flood of undocumented Gungans being transported to settle on other planets. Emperor Palpatine is the greatest leader this galaxy has ever had, and I'm proud to serve him faithfully."
A spokesperson for the Empire thanked Hamill for his endorsement. "The Emperor is honored to have Mr. Hamill's support," said Death Star Press Secretary Karibo Jen-Parassian. "He is a revered actor who is obviously an authority on which politicians everyone should side with. The Emperor is even considering making Mr. Hamill his newest apprentice."
Hamill later said he would do whatever he could to help Palpatine continue to crush his opposition and enforce rigid totalitarianism throughout the galaxy.
At publishing time, Hamill had reportedly asked for permission to hit the "FIRE" button when the Death Star destroys the next planet that dares to oppose the Emperor.
