What is the Difference Between "Standards" and "Shallowness"?

[CarriePie]

I knew a similar couple. Ironically they met in church, and he was in the worship band. They got together, ended up having sex. She got pregnant. She wasn't interested in him enough to want to marry him, but he was crazy about her. He kept asking and asking to marry her, she kept refusing. She had actually planned on moving out of state, but she got some advice saying they should marry and she'll learn to love him. Finally she caved in and they got married.
She never learned to love him, and actually began to regret marrying him. He recognized this and began to grow bitter towards her. He eventually became verbally abusive, mostly to her, but also to their kids as well. Eventually she kicked him out, he became an alcoholic who continued to mistreat her every chance he got. Even 10+ years later.

But this makes me think of my dads first marriage. He married a woman, things obviously were going well with them. But he said they got in the car, after the wedding, literally right after, still in their wedding clothes. As he drove off she did a 180 and became a horrible person. And stayed that way the entire time of their marriage, till he divorced her. So even with compatible people you have to be careful.

These kinds of stories always worried me. I remember when I was a kid some well meaning person would start to say something to me along the lines of "Someday when you get married..." And I'd stop them and say, "No!" lol It seemed so terrifying to me to live in such a miserable situation. I certainly wasn't one of those girls who grew up pretending to be a princess and hoping to find a prince someday lol. No, I preferred being outside with bugs, spiders, critters. No princes!

After my parents divorced, I lived with my grandparents through my teenage years. Their marriage, though not perfect, was a much better example.

Of course, I came to believe marriage is a sacred union created by God. I also believe we are in a fallen world and nothing is perfect. Marriage takes an incredible amount of trust. I have never been married. I haven't even been engaged. And when in a relationship, I seek the Lord's will. Like you said, even compatible people have to be careful. We all have to be careful.

 

[Mem]

The latest series of bible studies I've sat through illuminated the seesaw-like engagement between self-focus and other-focus. One of the studies concerned "Unhealthy Patterns Christian Believe about WORDS" which address the ideal Christian endeavor of building up rather than tearing down.

The seesaw never really appealed to me except for the possibility that two could balance unequal weights at the fulcrum if one moves back and/or the other moves forward on their seat. There's no fuss about one being too heavy or the other being too light, there's only confidence that it can be done, whereas the attempt to maintain the seesawing often proves to be a more problematic endeavor. And I'd like to think of the achievement of the balanced seesaw as an illustration at achieving an equal yoke. It would seem to me that to be an easier venture than any attempt to find any one individual 'like' any other, taking the consideration of the individuality of individuals into account. The balanced seesaw, in one event, achieves both giving the heavier a sense of being light and the other lighter a sense of being heavy.

Be Kind to yourselves, including yourself. Who doesn't love that?

 

[Subhumanoidal]

These kinds of stories always worried me. I remember when I was a kid some well meaning person would start to say something to me along the lines of "Someday when you get married..." And I'd stop them and say, "No!" lol It seemed so terrifying to me to live in such a miserable situation. I certainly wasn't one of those girls who grew up pretending to be a princess and hoping to find a prince someday lol. No, I preferred being outside with bugs, spiders, critters. No princes!

After my parents divorced, I lived with my grandparents through my teenage years. Their marriage, though not perfect, was a much better example.

Of course, I came to believe marriage is a sacred union created by God. I also believe we are in a fallen world and nothing is perfect. Marriage takes an incredible amount of trust. I have never been married. I haven't even been engaged. And when in a relationship, I seek the Lord's will. Like you said, even compatible people have to be careful. We all have to be careful.

I've always known i wanted to be married. Never have been. Then again I'm no prince. Hehe.
I was fortunate in that my parents got along wonderfully. I was 21 when my mom died and now, 27 years later, my dad is still just as in love with her as he was when she was alive. His second wife, by the way. So my experience of marriage, growing up, was a good one.

 

[Lynx]

These kinds of stories always worried me. I remember when I was a kid some well meaning person would start to say something to me along the lines of "Someday when you get married..." And I'd stop them and say, "No!" lol It seemed so terrifying to me to live in such a miserable situation. I certainly wasn't one of those girls who grew up pretending to be a princess and hoping to find a prince someday lol. No, I preferred being outside with bugs, spiders, critters. No princes!

After my parents divorced, I lived with my grandparents through my teenage years. Their marriage, though not perfect, was a much better example.

Of course, I came to believe marriage is a sacred union created by God. I also believe we are in a fallen world and nothing is perfect. Marriage takes an incredible amount of trust. I have never been married. I haven't even been engaged. And when in a relationship, I seek the Lord's will. Like you said, even compatible people have to be careful. We all have to be careful.

Marriage is also very unnecessary. It always has been for any given individual, and more and more it is becoming unnecessary for large groups. We already got enough people. We don't need no more.

I sometimes think it would be nice to have, but there are a lot of nice things I would like to have that I am getting by just fine without. Maybe someday I will have one of those nice things. Maybe someday I'll even have a wife. But it's not a necessity, just something that would be nice to have someday.

 

[Eli1]

Marriage is also very unnecessary. It always has been for any given individual, and more and more it is becoming unnecessary for large groups. We already got enough people. We don't need no more.

I sometimes think it would be nice to have, but there are a lot of nice things I would like to have that I am getting by just fine without. Maybe someday I will have one of those nice things. Maybe someday I'll even have a wife. But it's not a necessity, just something that would be nice to have someday.

I like your approach towards marriage and your approach in life in general because you take things as they come and try to live in the now.
I also used to think that i will never be married and i was pretty sure about that fact.
Well, here i am now, married with two kids and i learned to never say never and take things as they come.

I even think of a though experiment and going back in time when i was a teenager. My first reaction now would not be joy but panic.
Where is my wife and kids?

 

[Lynx]

I like your approach towards marriage and your approach in life in general because you take things as they come and try to live in the now.
I also used to think that i will never be married and i was pretty sure about that fact.
Well, here i am now, married with two kids and i learned to never say never and take things as they come.

I even think of a though experiment and going back in time when i was a teenager. My first reaction now would not be joy but panic.
Where is my wife and kids?

Yeah, I ain't saying I'll never be married. Who knows? Not I.

And if I do find a wife, I'll probably be happy. I'm happy with life now, but I'll probably be happier with a wife.

But I'm not going to let potential future greater happiness ruin the life I have now. It's too short to waste griping about what I don't have.

I mean... There's seafood, there's chocolate, there's mangos, there's Skyrim, there's Fallout 4, there's Space Pirates And Zombies... I got a lot to do. No time for moping around about not having a wife.

Excuse me. I think I heard some dark chocolate covered cherries calling me.

 

[CarriePie]

I've always known i wanted to be married. Never have been. Then again I'm no prince. Hehe.
I was fortunate in that my parents got along wonderfully. I was 21 when my mom died and now, 27 years later, my dad is still just as in love with her as he was when she was alive. His second wife, by the way. So my experience of marriage, growing up, was a good one.

It's no doubt best. In my opinion, princes are kinda creepy.

Although I haven't been married or engaged, it has been discussed in past relationships. I've heard, "When we get married." No discussion about whether I wanted to get married. Not saying I don't, but that gave me an uneasy feeling. I trust the Lord will put a solid feeling of assurance in my heart if it is meant to be.

Thank you for telling me about your parents, it warms my heart and gives me hope!

 

[Subhumanoidal]

It's no doubt best. In my opinion, princes are kinda creepy.

Although I haven't been married or engaged, it has been discussed in past relationships. I've heard, "When we get married." No discussion about whether I wanted to get married. Not saying I don't, but that gave me an uneasy feeling. I trust the Lord will put a solid feeling of assurance in my heart if it is meant to be.

Thank you for telling me about your parents, it warms my heart and gives me hope!

Haha. Fortunately for me there are others that also don't need a prince. 😂

Oh, yeah, that could be bothersome. Not being asked, just presumed.

Welcome. My mom got really sick, hence why she died. She worked for years, as long as possible, until she was fired for her sickness. Ironic since her boss had the same illness.
My dad did his best to take care of her, especially in the final years as she grew worse mentally, due to her illness. He retired early to take care of her. They went out of state to go house shopping, to be closer to his family, and I presume for a change as well.
They picked out a house after a year of looking. That same night she suddenly died.
My dad went back home, canceled the new house. A few years later he did move there anyways, though. She was buried there. He's been there ever since.
He wasn't super into the idea of remarriage. He said even if he did remarry no would could replace my mom. He came close once, there were talks of it, but he doubted her motives and it didn't work out. He never really tried to meet anyone else.

There was also my grandparents. They were married forever, I don't even know how long. My grandfather died of cancer. A year later my grandmother died. She'd never recovered from losing him and just gave up. Died from a broken heart, you might say.

 

[CarriePie]

That's smashing! Snaps to those who realize a prince really isn't ideal!

I'm sorry about your mother. It's sad, from her being fired and through terrible illness and sudden death. Your father stuck by her side. He sounds amazing. Your parents are a great picture of true love!

My dad never remarried after the divorce. I guess he didn't want to go through that again.

It's nice to hear about marriages where two people actually want to be together!

The grandparents that I lived with were married forever too and most of that time they spent drinking beer together lol. They even built and ran a bar. I think they heard that old country song "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home" and took it a little too seriously. They were rarely home and I felt like I lived alone through my teen years, which was great for me at the time!

 

[Subhumanoidal]

That's smashing! Snaps to those who realize a prince really isn't ideal!

I'm sorry about your mother. It's sad, from her being fired and through terrible illness and sudden death. Your father stuck by her side. He sounds amazing. Your parents are a great picture of true love!

My dad never remarried after the divorce. I guess he didn't want to go through that again.

It's nice to hear about marriages where two people actually want to be together!

The grandparents that I lived with were married forever too and most of that time they spent drinking beer together lol. They even built and ran a bar. I think they heard that old country song "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home" and took it a little too seriously. They were rarely home and I felt like I lived alone through my teen years, which was great for me at the time!

Haha. Agreed.

Thanks. She also got sick From that job, as well.
My dad's great. But he's spent too much of his life taking care of people. First my mom all those years, then about 15 years ago I moved in with him and got sick and he spent years taking care of me. Then my sister moved in with us and she got sick, well, sicker. He tried helping her through alcoholism as well. They became really close and kept each other from being lonely.
Then she was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. They told her 6 months to live, at best. She survived two months. While in the hospital for the cancer she also developed covid. Ironically i was already in the hospital with covid. She died while I was still there. So that's two people he spent years taking care of that had died. And I was in the hospital.
And that wasn't even his biological daughter. She was 1 of 3 children from my mother's first marriage. But you'd never know that by how he treated them.
Obviously i survived covid, but a year later, almost to the month of my sisters death, I was diagnosed with cancer. So you can imagine how much that scared him. I survived, had surgery and just the other day was told I was cleared of any more cells.
He's had a few issues recently that makes him unable to help anymore. But he was still driving up till he was 90. Turns 91 in a few months.

Haha. Sounds like your grandparents were rednecks perhaps?
Yeah. As a teen my parents worked crazy hours and I was home alone a lot. Being an introvert I loved it. I could watch whatever I wanted, blast music, not do homework and eat what I wanted. Was great in those respects haha.

 

[CarriePie]

Haha. Agreed.

Thanks. She also got sick From that job, as well.
My dad's great. But he's spent too much of his life taking care of people. First my mom all those years, then about 15 years ago I moved in with him and got sick and he spent years taking care of me. Then my sister moved in with us and she got sick, well, sicker. He tried helping her through alcoholism as well. They became really close and kept each other from being lonely.
Then she was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. They told her 6 months to live, at best. She survived two months. While in the hospital for the cancer she also developed covid. Ironically i was already in the hospital with covid. She died while I was still there. So that's two people he spent years taking care of that had died. And I was in the hospital.
And that wasn't even his biological daughter. She was 1 of 3 children from my mother's first marriage. But you'd never know that by how he treated them.
Obviously i survived covid, but a year later, almost to the month of my sisters death, I was diagnosed with cancer. So you can imagine how much that scared him. I survived, had surgery and just the other day was told I was cleared of any more cells.
He's had a few issues recently that makes him unable to help anymore. But he was still driving up till he was 90. Turns 91 in a few months.

Haha. Sounds like your grandparents were rednecks perhaps?
Yeah. As a teen my parents worked crazy hours and I was home alone a lot. Being an introvert I loved it. I could watch whatever I wanted, blast music, not do homework and eat what I wanted. Was great in those respects haha.

Your dad is incredible. A man of steel! Staying strong inside is a whole lot harder than being physically strong. That much loss is really hard. My mother died suddenly of a heart attack during the pandemic. She got Covid and since she had underlying health problems she ended up having a heart attack. It all happened very fast. She had just came by to see me only about 3 days before she passed away and we shared some laughs. She suddenly got sick right after and then had the heart attack. She didn't make it to the hospital. I was not prepared for her death and wasn't prepared for the grief that resulted. Going through loss that close (and especially more than one loss) and seeing those you love going through very rough situations (medical or otherwise) is very difficult. It takes a lot to be that strong. Your father sounds pretty amazing.

You are strong too! I'm so glad to hear that you survived cancer and are free of any more cells!! I hope for the best for your health from here on!!

I never really thought of my grandparents as rednecks, but I guess they were lol The lived in the country, ran a honky tonk, listened to country music, and did all that other country stuff. I do miss the country though and am thankful that I got to grow up out there. I live on the edge of the country now, so I guess I'm still surrounded by rednecks

 

[CtheUSA]

Standards are based on God’s word or the Holy Spirit giving us the feelings of what should be better according to perfection. The person’s inside nature radiates to an outwardly glow. They are, in essence, what separates us from other animals … by putting our sin nature away.
Shallowness, on the other hand, is an animalistic tendency that lends to rudimentary breeding metrics or how that mate will make you “look” to others.

 

[GaryA]

They are, in essence, what separates us from other animals

"other" animals...???

We are not animals. God said so.

 

[Sculpt]

"other" animals...???

We are not animals. God said so.

I'm always up for learning something new. Where in scripture does God say that?

 

[Moses_Young]

I'm always up for learning something new. Where in scripture does God say that?

I guess you haven't got very far reading through the bible?

Genesis 1:25 - 28
25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

 

[Lynx]

Standards are based on God’s word or the Holy Spirit giving us the feelings of what should be better according to perfection. The person’s inside nature radiates to an outwardly glow. They are, in essence, what separates us from other animals … by putting our sin nature away.
Shallowness, on the other hand, is an animalistic tendency that lends to rudimentary breeding metrics or how that mate will make you “look” to others.

Translation:

Standards are when you extrapolate from biblical principles and apply it to your modern life.

Shallowness is when you extrapolate from what you want and then try to make it sound all holy by attaching biblical principles to it.

 

[Lynx]

Standards are based on God’s word or the Holy Spirit giving us the feelings of what should be better according to perfection. The person’s inside nature radiates to an outwardly glow. They are, in essence, what separates us from other animals … by putting our sin nature away.
Shallowness, on the other hand, is an animalistic tendency that lends to rudimentary breeding metrics or how that mate will make you “look” to others.

Also, howdy and welcome to the forum.

 

[Gojira]

I'm always up for learning something new. Where in scripture does God say that?

Physiologically, we are. I think the line is drawn at the spiritual realm??

 

[GaryA]

I'm always up for learning something new. Where in scripture does God say that?

1 Corinthians 15:

39 All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds.

 

[CtheUSA]

It is our prerogative to choose our standards for which things are important and how much much importance they are. Someone might consider us to be shallow if they disagree with the standards that we've chosen, but they aren't us and they aren't looking for the same spouse we are. For our own sake we should make sure to evaluate our standards to make sure that we have the right ones and are giving them an appropriate amount of weight. If a woman wants a man who is over 6ft and makes over $100,000, then with just those two things she is looking at less than 5% of men, which is the same group of men that a lot of other woman are looking for, which makes it pretty unlikely for her to find a spouse, especially when other standards are factored in, but if recognizes how much her standards are limiting her available options and she's ok with that, then that's her prerogative.

I know excluding a whole race of people is not only racist but very limiting. What if “the one” person you need in your life for fulfillment looks different than you? I’m guessing if I was God, I’d do that to racists. I’d put the most compatible people for racist as far away from their homogeneous perspectives as possible. If anything for fun. Asian are attractive like anybody, but it’s what’s inside that really matters.