Hey Everyone,
I was thinking about some issues that have come up in the threads about what singles want in a potential spouse.
I was also thinking of my grandparents, who were married for 64 years (until her death,) and how much different things were then. They knew each other all their lives, as they had grown up together in a one-room school on a farm. They married not because they each met a long list of the other's standards, though I'm sure there were some, but basically, he was a young man, she was a young woman -- they knew each other and each other's families, and liked each other, and so they got married. (My Grandma did have one stipulation, however -- she wouldn't marry my Grandpa until SHE had a certain amount of money in the bank that SHE had earned herself, which was very unusual in those days.)
Fast forward to modern times, and singles today have lists of "requirements" ranging from height to salary to body weight, hair, and eye color that would give all the wish lists given to Santa combined a run for their money.
When does the concept of "having standards" cross over into "being shallow"?
Here's a good example: as most know, I was adopted from Korea and grew up in a small white town with white parents. As a Christian single myself, I have often known guys or have seen profiles in which it says they are NOT attracted to Asian girls AT ALL.
Is this a standard, or is it shallow?
Modern culture has taught me that my knee-jerk reaction is to automatically shout, "RACIST!!!" and go on a loud, raging tyrant about how I should be seen as "EQUAL," but in my heart, I have to talk to God about the fact that maybe some people weren't built to be attracted to Asians. I'm certainly not saying this is absolute, I'm just saying it's something I have to consider.
As I talked to people over time, I also had to consider things like the white guy who grew with two adopted Asian sisters, and he said he wasn't attracted to Asians because it was impossible for him to look at Asian women as anything else but a sister. I have also heard of people who aren't attracted to certain characteristics because they were abused by someone who fit them in the past.
And considering that the most discriminating of all seems to be Asian culture itself (Koreans are expected to marry traditional Koreans with "good" family histories -- adopted Koreans like myself are NOT "real" Koreans, and, in the most extreme cases, not even real people because we have no "roots" -- recorded family history, and therefore, would bring "bad blood" into another family.) There ARE exceptions of course, and this forum has actually blessed me with an amazing traditional Korean friend whom I am VERY thankful for, as his friendship and God's blessing helped close up many of my childhood/adolescent/young adult wounds.
In conclusion, from my own personal view, I've come to see preferences like this as a choice, and it is between God and that person, even if it does hurt very deeply. After all, I'm guilty of having my own "preferences," and having to ask God about the areas in which I myself cross over into being shallow.
What do you see as the differences?
For instance, if you hear:
* "I don't find Asians attractive, so don't bother contacting me if you're Asian."
Is this a standard, or is it shallow? If you're Asian or don't have Asian people you are close to, it probably doesn't seem like any big deal. But what if it changes to:
* "I am only attracted to blue-eyed blondes -- any other hair or eye color need not apply."
If this statement now applies to you, does it change your reaction of whether this statement is now a standard, or just being shallow?
And so it goes on.
Let's say YOU the one making these statements from your own point of view:
* "I'll only date someone who meets my criteria for body weight and fitness."
* "I'll only date someone who makes a certain amount and above."
* "I'll only date someone who comes from a certain kind of family."
* "I'll only date someone healthy."
Are these standards, or shallowness?
Now let's change the scenario to someone who is telling YOU:
* "Yeah, you go to the gym 5 times a week, but you don't look like a fitness model and I won't date anything less."
* "Yeah, you make $75,000 a year, but I'm really looking for someone who's making 6 figures, and preferably, the first number isn't just a 1."
* "Yeah, you have a nice Christian family but you don't come from a prestigious Christian family, and that's what I'm looking for."
* "Yeah, your cancer has been in remission for 5 years and you haven't had any problems since, but I want to date someone who doesn't have any signs of chronic disease or sickness."
+ Does this change the way you look at the first set of statements? Does it have any difference as to whether you now see them as being a standard or being shallow?
+ In other words, do the definitions change when we go from being the one who sets the bar, to then being the one who falls short of it?
+ Is a standard only a standard when we get to set it, and is someone who sets standards we don't fit now being shallow?
I find this interesting because it seems nowadays, whether one is a Christian or not, if someone rejects someone else for ANY reason and that person disagrees with why they are being rejected, then obviously, it's because the other person is racist, sexist, a feminist, a toxic male, an ageist (and the list goes on,) not a REAL Christian, or, worst of all, just plain SHALLOW. Now of course, we all know that some set of baseline standards are necessary, but has anyone else noticed this disturbing dynamic? Any form of rejection that someone doesn't like/disagrees with is now being relabeled as "shallowness," shifting the negativity from the person who was rejected to the person who did the rejecting. And I understand this is a very human thing to do. But where are the lines?
It might just me, but I think this is another big way in which Christians are falling prey to the modern cultural message that tells everyone, "You are a beautiful, sparkling snowflake JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, and you have a right to be considered an EQUAL candidate in EVERY and ANY situation. ANYONE who rejects you is SHALLOW and bigoted and it's THEIR loss because they are missing out on the splenderiffic unicorn that is YOU!"
I know rejection hurts all of us, but it makes me wonder about how much of it God wants us to accept and shake off, and how much of it He wants to use to make us honestly face what He is saying needs to be addressed within ourselves (including our own shallowness.)
* How about you?
* What have your experiences been with standards, rejection, and shallowness -- both as the person who was rejected, and as the one doing the rejecting?
* Have we crossed the lines between what reasonable expectations to just looking for any and every excuse to both set our own standards, reject anyone who doesn't meet them, and then simultaneously shame anyone who dares do the same to us?
I was thinking about some issues that have come up in the threads about what singles want in a potential spouse.
I was also thinking of my grandparents, who were married for 64 years (until her death,) and how much different things were then. They knew each other all their lives, as they had grown up together in a one-room school on a farm. They married not because they each met a long list of the other's standards, though I'm sure there were some, but basically, he was a young man, she was a young woman -- they knew each other and each other's families, and liked each other, and so they got married. (My Grandma did have one stipulation, however -- she wouldn't marry my Grandpa until SHE had a certain amount of money in the bank that SHE had earned herself, which was very unusual in those days.)
Fast forward to modern times, and singles today have lists of "requirements" ranging from height to salary to body weight, hair, and eye color that would give all the wish lists given to Santa combined a run for their money.
When does the concept of "having standards" cross over into "being shallow"?
Here's a good example: as most know, I was adopted from Korea and grew up in a small white town with white parents. As a Christian single myself, I have often known guys or have seen profiles in which it says they are NOT attracted to Asian girls AT ALL.
Is this a standard, or is it shallow?
Modern culture has taught me that my knee-jerk reaction is to automatically shout, "RACIST!!!" and go on a loud, raging tyrant about how I should be seen as "EQUAL," but in my heart, I have to talk to God about the fact that maybe some people weren't built to be attracted to Asians. I'm certainly not saying this is absolute, I'm just saying it's something I have to consider.
As I talked to people over time, I also had to consider things like the white guy who grew with two adopted Asian sisters, and he said he wasn't attracted to Asians because it was impossible for him to look at Asian women as anything else but a sister. I have also heard of people who aren't attracted to certain characteristics because they were abused by someone who fit them in the past.
And considering that the most discriminating of all seems to be Asian culture itself (Koreans are expected to marry traditional Koreans with "good" family histories -- adopted Koreans like myself are NOT "real" Koreans, and, in the most extreme cases, not even real people because we have no "roots" -- recorded family history, and therefore, would bring "bad blood" into another family.) There ARE exceptions of course, and this forum has actually blessed me with an amazing traditional Korean friend whom I am VERY thankful for, as his friendship and God's blessing helped close up many of my childhood/adolescent/young adult wounds.
In conclusion, from my own personal view, I've come to see preferences like this as a choice, and it is between God and that person, even if it does hurt very deeply. After all, I'm guilty of having my own "preferences," and having to ask God about the areas in which I myself cross over into being shallow.
What do you see as the differences?
For instance, if you hear:
* "I don't find Asians attractive, so don't bother contacting me if you're Asian."
Is this a standard, or is it shallow? If you're Asian or don't have Asian people you are close to, it probably doesn't seem like any big deal. But what if it changes to:
* "I am only attracted to blue-eyed blondes -- any other hair or eye color need not apply."
If this statement now applies to you, does it change your reaction of whether this statement is now a standard, or just being shallow?
And so it goes on.
Let's say YOU the one making these statements from your own point of view:
* "I'll only date someone who meets my criteria for body weight and fitness."
* "I'll only date someone who makes a certain amount and above."
* "I'll only date someone who comes from a certain kind of family."
* "I'll only date someone healthy."
Are these standards, or shallowness?
Now let's change the scenario to someone who is telling YOU:
* "Yeah, you go to the gym 5 times a week, but you don't look like a fitness model and I won't date anything less."
* "Yeah, you make $75,000 a year, but I'm really looking for someone who's making 6 figures, and preferably, the first number isn't just a 1."
* "Yeah, you have a nice Christian family but you don't come from a prestigious Christian family, and that's what I'm looking for."
* "Yeah, your cancer has been in remission for 5 years and you haven't had any problems since, but I want to date someone who doesn't have any signs of chronic disease or sickness."
+ Does this change the way you look at the first set of statements? Does it have any difference as to whether you now see them as being a standard or being shallow?
+ In other words, do the definitions change when we go from being the one who sets the bar, to then being the one who falls short of it?
+ Is a standard only a standard when we get to set it, and is someone who sets standards we don't fit now being shallow?
I find this interesting because it seems nowadays, whether one is a Christian or not, if someone rejects someone else for ANY reason and that person disagrees with why they are being rejected, then obviously, it's because the other person is racist, sexist, a feminist, a toxic male, an ageist (and the list goes on,) not a REAL Christian, or, worst of all, just plain SHALLOW. Now of course, we all know that some set of baseline standards are necessary, but has anyone else noticed this disturbing dynamic? Any form of rejection that someone doesn't like/disagrees with is now being relabeled as "shallowness," shifting the negativity from the person who was rejected to the person who did the rejecting. And I understand this is a very human thing to do. But where are the lines?
It might just me, but I think this is another big way in which Christians are falling prey to the modern cultural message that tells everyone, "You are a beautiful, sparkling snowflake JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, and you have a right to be considered an EQUAL candidate in EVERY and ANY situation. ANYONE who rejects you is SHALLOW and bigoted and it's THEIR loss because they are missing out on the splenderiffic unicorn that is YOU!"
I know rejection hurts all of us, but it makes me wonder about how much of it God wants us to accept and shake off, and how much of it He wants to use to make us honestly face what He is saying needs to be addressed within ourselves (including our own shallowness.)
* How about you?
* What have your experiences been with standards, rejection, and shallowness -- both as the person who was rejected, and as the one doing the rejecting?
* Have we crossed the lines between what reasonable expectations to just looking for any and every excuse to both set our own standards, reject anyone who doesn't meet them, and then simultaneously shame anyone who dares do the same to us?
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