Marriage is Hard

[SoldierofChrist]

I'm posting this thread in order to not completely hijack another thread.

I had mentioned how I'm a workaholic at work 80 hours a week. I'm unsupported by my wife and my endeavors. She does not work. Yada yada yada. I thought perhaps a good discussion could ensue and perhaps we could encourage each other concerning marriage and Helen general. It's just tough. It's hard enough with two people from two different backgrounds becoming one. Much less dealing with all the baggage that each has had from their past. And we all have baggage.

I'm driving on my way to a job so please forgive the bad grammar, misspelling etc because I'm letting Google do the typing while I have paid attention to the road .

 

[SoldierofChrist]

Wow gotta love Google voice to text. Where did "Helen General" come from? It was supposed to be "Marriage in General".

So I have a questions on my mind.

Here's the first.

How does the idea of covenant pertain to marriage for you?

 

[Tall_Timbers]

How does the idea of covenant pertain to marriage for you?

The marriage agreement between two people is a covenant. It remains in place until one of the parties dies. There are just a couple of circumstances where the covenant may be dissolved.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

I think of covenant this way. When the Israelites crossed into Cannan after they took Jericho the Gibeonites came to them to make a pact with them. Now Israel was given strict instructions to kill or drive the inhabitants out and no treaties/covenants with the inhabitants...period...no exceptions. Well the Gibeonites came with old clothing, cracked wineskins, moldy bread, etc. and said they lived a long way off. Israel did not consult God and made a covenant. Israel eventually found out it was a lie but had already given their word. So they kept it. A very long time later King Saul decides to try and wipe the Gibeonites out... maybe he felt justified because the covenant was made under a lie. Who knows. Regardless, during King David's reign God punishes Israel greatly for the breaking of the covenant with the Gibeonites.

So God is so serious about breaking you word (covenant) that even when it is done without consulting Him and based on a lies from the other party that He expects you to keep it. Period.

Ultimately who am I striving to please? If it is Him, then I align myself with what He says is right and what He says to do. Not how I feel or what I want. I have to stand before Him, not others, not even myself.

A preacher once said, it may be permissible for me to do something, but will it please Him?

 

[MsMediator]

So God is so serious about breaking you word (covenant) that even when it is done without consulting Him and based on a lies from the other party that He expects you to keep it. Period.

I think this applies to marriage in general; even if you marry someone God doesn't approve of, He expects you to stay in the marriage.

 

[MsMediator]

I'm posting this thread in order to not completely hijack another thread.

I had mentioned how I'm a workaholic at work 80 hours a week. I'm unsupported by my wife and my endeavors. She does not work. Yada yada yada. I thought perhaps a good discussion could ensue and perhaps we could encourage each other concerning marriage and Helen general. It's just tough. It's hard enough with two people from two different backgrounds becoming one. Much less dealing with all the baggage that each has had from their past. And we all have baggage.

I'm driving on my way to a job so please forgive the bad grammar, misspelling etc because I'm letting Google do the typing while I have paid attention to the road .

We cannot provide our input without further detail. How do you feel unsupported? Do you want her to work? How many months/years have you been working 80 hours per week?

 

[SoldierofChrist]

We cannot provide our input without further detail. How do you feel unsupported? Do you want her to work? How many months/years have you been working 80 hours per week?

Personally I would prefer that my wife not work and be there for our children and to take care of the home. I am very traditional in my beliefs.

I have worked 80+ hours a week for over 5 years now. This allows us a couple weeks long vacations every year and to provide solely for my family without the need for my wife to work. That said I have never required that she not work. I'm not that guy. I don't make demands.

The primary difficulty in my marriage has to do with what I consider neglect. No physical contact. If I even ask for a hug or kiss she recoils and asks "why"? Ignoring attempts at conversations. I have to actually pay her to make my lunches. And the list goes on and on.

I almost feel like I'm giving a poor me diatribe...yuck.

What I was really hoping to achieve in this thread was not to make a poor me list but to encourage each other in our struggles. As being married is hard. It's not easy 2 becoming one with all the differences and baggage we carry.

 

[MsMediator]

No physical contact. If I even ask for a hug or kiss she recoils and asks "why"?

Not even a friendly hug? Does she hug or kiss the kids? If she came from a different background/culture, she may not be as comfortable with physical contact. When she asks why, what do you say in response? You need to find out WHY she doesn't want physical contact; there could be a multitude of different reasons.

 

[Maintenanceguy]

At 80 hours a week, she's been abandoned. I understand her resentment. Marriage is hard. She needs less stuff and vacations and more attention and time.

We also wanted my wife to be home to raise our kids and we were able to do it. I worked a job and a part time job, sometimes I had a small side business and wasn't home as much as I would like. She substitute taught a day or two a week. We lived lean and we didn't see each other as much as we would have liked and money was tight. Our vacations were an occasional day trip with dinner out. Our marriage was strained by the extra work hours but it would have failed if I was away at work for 80 hours each week for 5 years.

After 5 years, she's given up on even trying to get you to understand. You've already chosen between the marriage and the career and she lost. I get why she's no longer participating.

Sorry for being so blunt but you can only fix this by putting her first from now on.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

Not even a friendly hug? Does she hug or kiss the kids? If she came from a different background/culture, she may not be as comfortable with physical contact. When she asks why, what do you say in response? You need to find out WHY she doesn't want physical contact; there could be a multitude of different reasons.

The only time a physical contact is willingly given is if there is a request for additional money from her. Then her attitude changes to sweet. For a day or so. Yes she hugs and kisses the kids. She says that she is not a touch person and has a bubble, respect it.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

After 5 years, she's given up on even trying to get you to understand. You've already chosen between the marriage and the career and she lost. I get why she's no longer participating.

Sorry for being so blunt but you can only fix this by putting her first from now on.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

After 5 years, she's given up on even trying to get you to understand. You've already chosen between the marriage and the career and she lost. I get why she's no longer participating.

Sorry for being so blunt but you can only fix this by putting her first from now on.

I wish it were that simple.

I am trying to decide how much is appropriate to share.

As a child my wife's parents highly abused her in every way imaginable. Stuff that makes your brain freeze in disbelief. We have always dealt with the demons from her past, DID, demonic oppression. Heck her mother at one point was on a rampage about how our first born must be dedicated to Satan before she turned 2. Fortunately the Lord provided a way. They had money and influence. Looking back He orchestrated events perfectly for us to go to another country and for my wife to realize without my forcing or even suggesting that she needed to cut ties with her family. Which she did of her own. Obviously the Lord was involved.

Even when I wasn't working such long hours. In fact mostly managing her...personality and issues and taking care of the kids. She would rarely participate in physical contact. And was harsh, making accusations of infidelity and everything else. Telling me I needed to get my physical needs fulfilled elsewhere. Every business venture or job I had was sabotaged, honestly I allowed it to be by always putting her needs first for almost 15 years.

One day I was reflecting on all this and realized that I didn't feel like a man. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a simp. And decided no more. I was performing the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I had to change and quit worrying so much about what my wife thinks. Placing her in effect as an idol. So I started this business while working for someone else.

At one point about 4 and 1/2 years ago she was going to a church group in another town and she came back with the idea that because I desire to have an intimate relationship with her there is sexual deviancy involved and she needed to cut off all physical intimacy in order to "fix me". I think that's the way she put it. I got the impression all the women in this group had made some kind of pact to do this. I have tried broaching the subject many a time and lips are sealed.

So forget the intimacy, I'm 50 this year and it's been so long now I'm kinda over it.

I can't continue talking about this at the moment, my finger needs a break from the phone.

 

[PennEd]

The only time a physical contact is willingly given is if there is a request for additional money from her. Then her attitude changes to sweet. For a day or so. Yes she hugs and kisses the kids. She says that she is not a touch person and has a bubble, respect it.

You have to give opinions based on information given.

So I’m assuming she is a believer attending Church?

If so, my thoughts would be a little different than if she were not.

 

[tourist]

Marriage is hard but that's what makes it worthwhile.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

You have to give opinions based on information given.

So I’m assuming she is a believer attending Church?

If so, my thoughts would be a little different than if she were not.

Yes she is, and prays, professes.

To be honest sometimes I have to wonder who she prays to.

 

[MsMediator]

I wish it were that simple.

I am trying to decide how much is appropriate to share.

As a child my wife's parents highly abused her in every way imaginable. Stuff that makes your brain freeze in disbelief. We have always dealt with the demons from her past, DID, demonic oppression. Heck her mother at one point was on a rampage about how our first born must be dedicated to Satan before she turned 2. Fortunately the Lord provided a way. They had money and influence. Looking back He orchestrated events perfectly for us to go to another country and for my wife to realize without my forcing or even suggesting that she needed to cut ties with her family. Which she did of her own. Obviously the Lord was involved.

Even when I wasn't working such long hours. In fact mostly managing her...personality and issues and taking care of the kids. She would rarely participate in physical contact. And was harsh, making accusations of infidelity and everything else. Telling me I needed to get my physical needs fulfilled elsewhere. Every business venture or job I had was sabotaged, honestly I allowed it to be by always putting her needs first for almost 15 years.

One day I was reflecting on all this and realized that I didn't feel like a man. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a simp. And decided no more. I was performing the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I had to change and quit worrying so much about what my wife thinks. Placing her in effect as an idol. So I started this business while working for someone else.

At one point about 4 and 1/2 years ago she was going to a church group in another town and she came back with the idea that because I desire to have an intimate relationship with her there is sexual deviancy involved and she needed to cut off all physical intimacy in order to "fix me". I think that's the way she put it. I got the impression all the women in this group had made some kind of pact to do this. I have tried broaching the subject many a time and lips are sealed.

So forget the intimacy, I'm 50 this year and it's been so long now I'm kinda over it.

I can't continue talking about this at the moment, my finger needs a break from the phone.

It seems like your wife is no longer interested in sex/physical contact at all to the point of her suggesting you get sex elsewhere.

Your wife seems to be a very spiritual person, as she prays, professes, and has strong awareness of what she considers deviant (whether she is right or not). She may even find the act of sex itself deviant. There is definitely something spirtual and/or psychological going on. It is also possible that the church group is feeding some ideas.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

I think your spot on MsMediator

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I think your spot on MsMediator

You need to point out some verses on marital relations, she has broken her marriage contract. The Bible is clear that the two become one and only abstain for a period of time IF both agree, then they are to resume relations. Your body is not your own when you marry. How would she actually feel if she caught you getting your needs met with another woman? Biblically she is putting you in this place. Her church is wrong and it's easily proved. She has broken her vows and she is in the wrong whether you work 24/7 doesn't matter. Marriage is hard when people do what they want to do instead follow the pattern God has set. Your wife needs a wake up call.

 

[Karlon]

I'm posting this thread in order to not completely hijack another thread.

I had mentioned how I'm a workaholic at work 80 hours a week. I'm unsupported by my wife and my endeavors. She does not work. Yada yada yada. I thought perhaps a good discussion could ensue and perhaps we could encourage each other concerning marriage and Helen general. It's just tough. It's hard enough with two people from two different backgrounds becoming one. Much less dealing with all the baggage that each has had from their past. And we all have baggage.

I'm driving on my way to a job so please forgive the bad grammar, misspelling etc because I'm letting Google do the typing while I have paid attention to the road .

another "test' from someone? hhhhmmmmm!!!! sounds like you married your work 1st & then a wife as a means, partly, of convenience. the complexities of issues whether they are physical, mental or spiritual, are enormous. a Christian Psychologist is needed.

 

[JohnDB]

What do you want?
What is it that you will want in your senior years?

Even though you work for yourself and provide money...money is not everything a family needs. They really need you and not just a token from you.

No one ever wished they had spent more time at work when on their death bed.

However, most likely the reason you spend more time at work is that you get positive affirmation from work and not from your wife. We are men...uncomplicated at best.

And your wife is accustomed to perceiving people as perpetrators or victims. Since you aren't a victim you must be a perpetrator. So she will view your working hard and long hours as purposeful neglect....the truth of the situation left behind long ago.

To her, you can't do anything without malice (evil intent) at the moment. And unless you change things in your relationship with her it's only going to get worse instead of better.

This means that she likely wastes a good deal of the money you earn for her and the family on frivolous things....not because she really wants or needs them. And if you mention the way she spends money....you become a villain. So you spend even more time at work to overcome her spending...but you can never earn enough. To those who don't have enough there is no amount of money that will ever be enough. Even people we would think of as over the top wealthy figure this out eventually.

So....

Figure it out....is she willing to change? Are you willing to as well? It means a family lifestyle change for everyone. And that means EVERYONE is not going to be happy with the changes. (To say the least)

This is one of those situations where the cure seems worse than the disease.