Hello DawnDe, first off, welcome to CChat! I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us
Second, no worries, as there is an answer to the dilemma that you believe you've found yourself in
BTW, have you spoken to your pastor about this yet
If not, why not call him or email him (or even talk to him after services this Sunday) and let him know about your concerns. He is, after all, the Lord's undershepherd, assigned to watch over you/your soul on this side of the grave (an assignment that he will, in fact, be held accountable for by the Lord) .. e.g.
Hebrews 13:17.
Also, pastors not only love being helpful and answering their congregant's questions, they are, typically, very good at counsel (and telling your pastor what is going on with you/what you are worried about will help him know how to pray for you too).
That said, I don't believe that sins become unforgiveable because the Lord refuses to forgive a truly penitent sinner (even a Christian who is returning to the faith from a backslidden life), but because certain sins so callous the heart that the sinner is never willing to repent of them again.
This, I also believe, is what is being referred to in Hebrews 6 and 10. These passages were written about 1st Century Jewish ~almost~ believers, men and women who attended church and partook in all that it had to offer them, folks who KNEW, W/O A DOUBT, exactly who the Lord Jesus was, but who, in the end, rejected Him anyway and returned to Judaism. For them, as it says in
Hebrews 10:26-27, there no longer remained a sacrifice for their sins, only a terrifying expectation of judgement, because they had fully and knowingly rejected the only Means that they, or any of us have, of being saved.
On the other hand, you didn't leave the faith/reject the Lord Jesus like the folks in Hebrews 6 & 10 did, knowing that both He and the faith were true. Rather, you left due to unbelief instead (which is quite a different thing I think).
To be honest, I did the same thing. I was baptized as an infant and was raised in the church, and I loved it (for the most part anyway). I went to Sunday School from pre-school to 7th grade, sung in the children's choir, went on retreats, was confirmed (at age 12, I think), and then I attended church regularly through high school (you know, the whole 9 yards).
Then, not long after I got to college, I all but walked away from the church completely, into a very fun, but very sinful life/lifestyle! The thing is, I always "thought" that I was a Christian, even after walking away from the church and into sin for 10-12 long years, until the day that I actually became one (a Christian/true believer, that is), two months after my 30th birthday
That's when ~EVERYTHING~ changed for me .. e.g.
2 Corinthians 5:17
What I came to realize is that I wasn't a Christian who had backslidden, rather, I was just a CINO for all of those years, a "Christian In Name Only". So, I didn't actually return to the faith, because I don't believe that I was ever really a part of it/was never saved to begin with (even though I "thought" that I was).
The big thing is, I am now (a Christian, that is), and I have been one for more than 37 years, PTL. And I believe that this should be YOUR "big thing" too, that you are a Christian NOW (if that is indeed, the case).
Finally, we are admonished/commanded in
2 Corinthians 13:5 to make sure that we are truly in the faith, truly "in Christ". If you don't know the various ways to obey that command, just ask us, and I/we will be happy to help you.
God bless you!!
--David
p.s. - how sin affects us now, as believers, is typically different than it did when we were still outside of Christ. This is one of the things that helps have assurance that we really are who we claim and believe ourselves to be (Christians). As theologian and pastor, A. W. Pink put it,