Written on May 13, 2012...
This started by my lamenting that I could not see the stars close up -- until it occurred to me that I see a star close-up every day. That, for some reason, opened up the sky to me. The sun, a close-up star, made the sky seem almost 3-dimensional. The distances, the sizes of objects over my head all became more real to my perceptions. They were no longer just theoretical numbers. It was so real that it started to become terrifying. Perceiving 500 light-years in a way I never had before filled me with a fear that also helped me to understand why we are not allowed to see God. If that distance terrifies me, how much more would God?
This experience was beautifully humbling, and never have I before or since had a worship experience like this.
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Tonight brought an unusual experience to me. On my walk tonight, as I approached the South Pasadena fire station, I started looking up and noticed Scorpius. I also saw Libra and Virgo. I wanted to see these on my iPhone app for the first time since I got the phone. I began studying these constellations... and then nearby ones... I moved over and saw, for the first time maybe in my life, the stars that make up Bootes. And Hercules. And Ophiuchus. And Serpens. I started studying Ursa Major... Draco... Vega. And, I began to think deeply about what I was looking at. Tried to imagine its vastness, to see the truth of what I was looking at, not just the superficial perception.
As I considered the deeper truth of the night sky, I began to feel awed again about it... and then about the God behind it. These distant suns were soooooo far away... soooo big... soooo hot... soooo bright... so unimaginably far away... and what about all that laid outside my visual range? The galaxy behind these immediate stars? And all the galaxies beyond ours? Through the greatness... the insane, indescribable greatness of this creation, I began to perceive -- or get some idea of -- God's insane greatness.
HE... is behind ALL of that!!
HE designed it!!
HE... put it together!!!
His wonderfulness... His wisdom... His power... His majesty... The reverence due Him... the deeper than deep respect owed Him by every human... became clear to me. Who can compare to Him? Who in all that exists comes even close to deserving the respect and reverence due Him? Who else DARES to set himself up as Him?? There is NO ONE who compares to the one true God! NO one else who even comes CLOSE to deserving worship. Why should anyone or anything think that they ought to partake of that which is only reserved for the one true God??
I felt the need to kneel. I did, albeit on concrete. But, I stayed there and prayed and praised. I felt like I needed to embed my whole body into the ground. It was like I could not prostrate myself enough before God. There is no position reverent enough that any human could take that God deserves.
As I was feeling all this, I texted this to about a dozen people:
Looking up at the sky tonight, enjoying one of my favorite pastimes, stargazing. Using an astronomy app on my phone. For all of my frustration and anger towards God, i cannot help but be compelled to worship when I study the sky. I momentarily see my arrogance and God's indescribable greatness... His wisdom... His power. There are no human words to describe Him or that can even worship Him properly.
The whole mood seemed to last. Usually it doesn't last more than a minute or two. But tonight, it is still having an effect on me, about 90 minutes later, as I sit here and type this. I started crying fairly strongly as I walked by the fire station. It kept happening as I continued my walk back to the church parking lot toward my car. I sat on the stone level thingie in front of SPCC and worshipped some more. I felt despondent as I considered His greatness, my nothingness... that He should love me and DIE for me?!? Who the HELL am I that HE should even bat an eye at me? Yet... He did far, far more than that on my behalf. This great and magnificent God created me. Designed me. I am His idea!! I came out of that mind of His! I am connected to Him more deeply than I may have truly realized before.
As I sat in my car, I asked the Holy Spirit to burn the memories and realizations into my brain, so that no matter what happens to me, no matter what I experience, I do not lose sight of God's unimaginable magnificence... or any of the other thoughts that made their appearance in my mind tonight. I implored the Holy Spirit to sear them into my permanent consciousness, so that I would always see them regardless of the pain or pleasure in my life. I did not want to forget God as I saw Him tonight, ever again.
I also prayed that God would reveal Himself to the world the way I saw Him tonight. I wanted every human on earth to see God the way I did, so that they would turn to Him, submit themselves, humble themselves before Him and worship Him. I wanted every human to see their need for God and to understand why they ought to turn to Him. I asked myself tonight, while in my bathroom, why anyone's sin was more important or greater than God to some people. How could anyone perceive one of this world's corrupt pleasures as bigger or more important than God??? They choose poop over a diamond. The enemy has them so blinded... so deceived, that they think the pleasures of sin are better than anything God could offer them. Amazing. Simply amazing.
I am growing tired now. I want this to stay and thus far it has. I hope it never goes away. I want this perpetual spiritual fire to burn in my heart and mind. I like this. After I did all that crying, I looked back and thought how good an experience this was, how cool it was. If memory serves, I thanked God for it.
I've asked God to show Himself to me, to make Himself real. Was this an answer to that prayer? It still is not what I would have wanted, but in a sense, God did show Himself... or a piece of Himself to me tonight.
Or... was that just my own mind? Was this only the result of fatigue and poor sleep? I expect I'll find out over the coming days.
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