If Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Won't Marry

[presidente]

If you had a boyfriend or girlfriend who you were willing to marry how long would you wait before breaking it off?

Ladies, how long would you date a man for if he doesn't propose before you break it off?

Men if you propose and she says sh is not ready would you keep dating her? If so for how long?

Personally, I think it is important to discuss marriage, expectations about what marriage is supposed to be, marital roles, plans about children, etc. before a proposal and breaking up fast if values and goals are irreconcilable different. Dating just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to meet percieved recreational, emotional, or social needs can waste time and lead to temptation.

Feel free to post if:
1. You genuinely want to discuss this topic
Or
2. You like to beat up children and old people....and pets and you want to post on why this is not a good topic for this forum or why people shouldn't get married these days.

 

[Lynx]

It would depend a lot on WHY I want to get married, or WHY she wants to get married. I'm a nerd, and one of the great truths to which nerds adhere is "Upgrade only for a reason." If my computer is already doing everything I want it to do, I see no reason to get another computer or even install another system in this computer just because the next computer or OS is newer. WHY one of us wants to marry now would be more important to me than how much time has elapsed.

However... Elapsed time would still be a factor - "How long are you going to wait?" carries a lot more weight after eight years than it does after five months.

 

[Lynx]

There is also this:

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

- Carly Simon




SHORT VERSION: Sometimes getting married ain't the answer someone is looking for, so if someone insists on marrying NOW or it's over then I'd investigate the reason closely. We may not get what we think we're getting even if we do get married now.

 

[melita916]

First boyfriend and I started dating in college, and we both agreed no marriage before graduating. I graduated first and worked. He graduated a year later and went to work. 2 years after he graduated, I asked when we were gonna get married. He said he didn’t know, which of course I should’ve taken as a sign but I didn’t lol. We broke up later that year. We dated almost 5 years.

I met my husband in 2015. We got engaged 2016. Married in 2017. We were in our 30s, so we weren’t about to waste each others time lol.

 

[JohnDB]

First boyfriend and I started dating in college, and we both agreed no marriage before graduating. I graduated first and worked. He graduated a year later and went to work. 2 years after he graduated, I asked when we were gonna get married. He said he didn’t know, which of course I should’ve taken as a sign but I didn’t lol. We broke up later that year. We dated almost 5 years.

I met my husband in 2015. We got engaged 2016. Married in 2017. We were in our 30s, so we weren’t about to waste each others time lol.

Statistics show that you either get him to commit inside of 2 years or else it's never going to happen. There are exceptions of course but it's statistics....just a generalized rule of expectations.

 

[JohnDB]

Furthermore...
It takes two years (IMHO) to get to really know the other person.
Nevermind what they say...what do their family and friends say about them?

That will tell you more about the potential future with this person representing who you are to others than anything else.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

There is also this:

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

- Carly Simon




SHORT VERSION: Sometimes getting married ain't the answer someone is looking for, so if someone insists on marrying NOW or it's over then I'd investigate the reason closely. We may not get what we think we're getting even if we do get married now.

That's such a sad song! I was a kid when I first heard it, so maybe it was one of factors that influenced my not getting married. Because I had opportunity to marry throughout the years, but my need to be free and not be encumbered just kept preventing me from going through with any of them. 🤷


🏄🏻‍♀️

 

[MsMediator]

Nope, I would never date someone who isn't marriage minded. My time and freedom are more precious. If I was going to make any sacrifice, it would be for someone I intend to marry. If a guy is giving me a wishy washy response the relationship would end.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont want to be used as a prostitute so forget it. Some men seem incapable of being brothers, but it dont matter as I already have brothers.

I've usually ended it inside three dates once I know the guys intentions. I think the first times you date are the hardest because its when you are young and fresh and dont know much. You shouldnt really date if you have other commitments..study, work, family obligations etc.

Just go out with friends instead as a group or 2 or 3 as family. Females CAN be friends with females but beware those kinds of possessive friendships that are toxic.

 

[Lanolin]

Statistics show that you either get him to commit inside of 2 years or else it's never going to happen. There are exceptions of course but it's statistics....just a generalized rule of expectations.

what statistics

GET him to commit, how? Lol

You mean, propose to him?

 

[landona]

Sometimes it doesnt work out despite church, chaperone, or families want.

 

[Lanolin]

I suspect church matchmakers but if so someone needs to come up with the dowry I mean dough.

But I only reply to these topics because people seem to have misconceptions about what it is to be SINGLE

 

[presidente]

It would depend a lot on WHY I want to get married, or WHY she wants to get married. I'm a nerd, and one of the great truths to which nerds adhere is "Upgrade only for a reason." If my computer is already doing everything I want it to do, I see no reason to get another computer or even install another system in this computer just because the next computer or OS is newer. WHY one of us wants to marry now would be more important to me than how much time has elapsed.

However... Elapsed time would still be a factor - "How long are you going to wait?" carries a lot more weight after eight years than it does after five months.

It depends on age, too. If a woman is 29 and her boyfriend of two years, also 29, hasn't proposed, and they are settled career-wise, should she wait around until he decides he wants to get married? Making it clear somewhere reasonably soon in the relationship that one is looking to marry may be important. Some people are content to date forever. That is probably more of a problem for worldly fornicators than chaste Christians who want to start families.

Pressure to marry after 5 months seems unreasonable to me, at least in the US dating culture. Maybe in some country 5 months is a long time.

 

[presidente]

Furthermore...
It takes two years (IMHO) to get to really know the other person.
Nevermind what they say...what do their family and friends say about them?

That will tell you more about the potential future with this person representing who you are to others than anything else.

Two years seems like a long time to me. IMO, it depends on ages, too. If a woman is 39, wants children, and has never married, a man considering her as a wife needs to make a decision fast, and so should she. The egg timer is ticking.

College students at 18? Four or five years seems reasonable. Give him a year after he graduates to get settled in a job.

Before mid-20's, 2 years may be okay. Close to 30? Maybe a year, IMO.

Putting pressure on someone after a few months seems unreasonable. Letting someone go after a few dates if you realize they aren't marriage-focused seems reasonable. Don't want kids and you do? Next. Totally different ideas of the role of husband and wife? Next. Potential spouse is okay with gay marriage or castrating kids? Next. Will divorce over emotional issues or not getting along? Next.

I had a conversation with my wife five months and a few days after our first conversation. We figured out we'd been briefly introduced maybe a year before. We spent an awful lot of time getting to know each other. I also 'prayed through' before proposing. Marriage seemed to be the direction God was directing us toward and speaking to us about. We have been together over 20 years.

 

[Sculpt]

There is also this:

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

- Carly Simon

SHORT VERSION: Sometimes getting married ain't the answer someone is looking for, so if someone insists on marrying NOW or it's over then I'd investigate the reason closely. We may not get what we think we're getting even if we do get married now.

LOL - And you take the 3rd verse:

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself

It reminds me of the short story (play) I had to read in college "A Doll's House" by Henrik Ibsen 1879. You know that one?

 

[Lynx]

LOL - And you take the 3rd verse:

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself

It reminds me of the short story (play) I had to read in college "A Doll's House" by Henrik Ibsen 1879. You know that one?

Yeah, no... I know about that one, but even I wasn't going to go there.

 

[presidente]

LOL - And you take the 3rd verse:

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself

I heard some guy on TV say he wanted to marry 'an independent woman.' I don't get the appeal. If a man finds out a woman he is dating feels like the idea those lyrics express, like she is going to get 'caged' by a relationship, it might be best to find a woman who'd appreciate being married without feeling 'caged.'

 

[Sculpt]

Yeah, no... I know about that one, but even I wasn't going to go there.

It was an eye-popping concept... that you couldn't become who you are if you have all your roles defined for you. It's almost a sci-fi leap. Also, a prequel to Nitsche's concept of ubermensch, which incidentally came out three year later.

Modern psychology would take a long look at self, which I would sum up as a discovery that self is our relationship to other people. And you can throw in the poor health and impending psychoses of being alone. Of course, it also looks at getting out on your own acquiring adult skills. But 'finding yourself, by yourself, is fragile, and potentially dangerous concept.

 

[Sculpt]

I heard some guy on TV say he wanted to marry 'an independent woman.' I don't get the appeal. If a man finds out a woman he is dating feels like the idea those lyrics express, like she is going to get 'caged' by a relationship, it might be best to find a woman who'd appreciate being married without feeling 'caged.'

One aspect of the "independent woman" is a woman who doesn't need you to be engaged with them 24/7 (and the male visa-vera equivalent). Really, I think it's more related to personality types... some people 'more so' need to recharge by being alone; and other people 'more so' charge up by being with, or feeding off (interpersonally), other people. Most peeps are balanced, but when they're more one or the other, opposites are usually a bad mix.

 

[Lynx]

I heard some guy on TV say he wanted to marry 'an independent woman.' I don't get the appeal. If a man finds out a woman he is dating feels like the idea those lyrics express, like she is going to get 'caged' by a relationship, it might be best to find a woman who'd appreciate being married without feeling 'caged.'

I dunno... I know a lot of married people who are just like the examples in that Carly Simon song.

Of course it could be argued that the examples in the song, and the married people I know who match those examples, married for the wrong reason. It's no secret that marriage doesn't cure loneliness anymore than a Band-Aid cures appendicitis. But for that reason alone, that song is one majorly valid cautionary tale.