How Can We Help, Prevent, and Stop the Abuse of Men in Relationships?

[seoulsearch]

this is an incredibly deep subject, the anti male bias for the last 70 years has permeated our whole society. Starting with relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ being perverted to "if you want to go to heaven you have to go through us" religion to now, where the male is emasculated.The same problem men have with lust of the eyes, women have with self esteem , thus they fail to seek the Lord for His guidance and plan for their life and end up with Mr. Loser.

Thank you for recognizing the struggle that women have as well.

It's very easy for these topics to dissolve into concentrating on problems from just one side, so I appreciate that you mentioned that both men and women, not one over the other, are fighting to keep their eyes on God.

 

[shittim]

I got an "atta boy" from a member a while back, when I owned up to my error .
He really does move Isaiah 28, " Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little", humbling ourselves is so very important.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Of course I understand that sex is extremely important to men -- it would be to me too if I were married to the right one!

Twice, in just the last week or two, I have found myself saying this to two different people, one female and one male, at work:

I think that the stork dropped me off on the wrong planet.

Of course, a stork did not actually drop me off here as an infant, but I honesty do feel like a stranger and pilgrim on this earth at almost all times.

I do not know if there is something terribly wrong with me or something gloriously right with me, but I honestly do not lust after women like other men apparently do. The first thing that attracts me in a woman, even if I do not know what she looks like (like on forums like this one), is her spirit. If that is lacking in what I consider to be godly attributes, then I am immediately turned off...and it does not matter if she turns out to be the most beautiful woman ever outwardly.

I am just going to say something because I honestly do not care what anybody thinks of me, but I just like to be honest:

If I could only sleep with a woman sexually or sleep with a woman as in just lying in bed with her as my companion, then I would choose the latter of the two every single time. In other words, if I do not have some genuine connection with a woman at all times throughout the day, even in the menial things, then I have no desire or thought for her in any sort of sexual manner. Of course, I would keep any sexual thoughts or feelings confined to the marriage bed, but I fully expect to remain single for the rest of my life, so I doubt that any of this even matters.

Anyhow, "sex" is not as extremely important to me as it apparently is to other men. True intimacy with somebody I love and who loves me? Sure. Then you had better have the fire extinguishers handy...lol.

 

[shittim]

Thank you for recognizing the struggle that women have as well.

It's very easy for these topics to dissolve into concentrating on problems from just one side, so I appreciate that you mentioned that both men and women, not one over the other, are fighting to keep their eyes on God.

We really do wage war, the powers of darkness will always work against the Created order, the adversary knows when two agree in prayer on anything touching him, He will answer it, thus the attack on this of the Created order.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Been there did that, it had NO effect. They'd literally corner me and force me to listen. Then they'd go back to chasing jerks. Unfortunately, I just don't have it in me to be a jerk (altho I would imagine some here would argue that lol)

Wow, you have run in to some tough women. Maybe try moving south? They are a little softer. I never understood the whole looking for a "bad boy". My husband was a gentleman (southern) from the moment we met. And he still is and that was one of the big things that attracted me. These women marry these men and they will wish they had chosen you! I can't tell you how many sob stories I have heard from women who have done this and then suffer the consequences of marrying the bad boy. And we are all jerks sometimes, or maybe just in certain forums.

 

[tourist]

Jesus, thou son of David, have mercy on me!

Why did you have to start this thread?

It is like you are priming my pump.

I know many men who have suffered horrific abuses at the hands of their wives.

Rather than go into any specific details about them, I might just contribute some things that the Bible has to say along these lines in the future.

I suffered abuse from my terrible first wife many years ago but would not categorize it as horrific. More like horrible.

 

[cinder]

I think the way women abuse their men and the way men abuse there women are fundamentally different. I think it was just a year or two ago that I remember coming across two celebrity stories in quick succession, where both men said that their women had threatened to make false accusations of abuse if the men wouldn't do what the women wanted. And I think that's the form women abusing men tends to take, which can destroy your life but is super hard to defend against.

And in such situations (where the woman maliciously commits premeditated social / reputation destruction against the man) there are several hurdles for the poor men to get over:

First they have to recognize and admit that this is abuse (even though it's just words)
Then what can they do to resolve the situation? You can't threaten her or hit her. You can't really withold anything from her or else she'll say you're a terrible provider. Police won't do anything because your physical safety isn't at risk. And an abusive personality isn't usually open to reason or acting fairly and justly. And of course if there are children involved then even if he just up and leaves, the government may well let his lady get her hands on his money in the name of child support.

So the best way to prevent it, is to not be in such a hurry to get married or have kids that you rush into a marraige. Seems to me I heard a saying once: Marry in a hurry, repent at leisure (of course I'm in such an unhurry that I might never get around to it, but I'm just fine with not having to deal with any abuse in my home so it's an option I can live with).

As for the rest of us, about all we can do is be the voice of reason to tell men that if their wife or gf is making their lives a living hell, that's not right and they should get outta dodge because that's about all they can do.

 

[Lynx]

I think the way women abuse their men and the way men abuse there women are fundamentally different. I think it was just a year or two ago that I remember coming across two celebrity stories in quick succession, where both men said that their women had threatened to make false accusations of abuse if the men wouldn't do what the women wanted. And I think that's the form women abusing men tends to take, which can destroy your life but is super hard to defend against.

And in such situations (where the woman maliciously commits premeditated social / reputation destruction against the man) there are several hurdles for the poor men to get over:

First they have to recognize and admit that this is abuse (even though it's just words)
Then what can they do to resolve the situation? You can't threaten her or hit her. You can't really withold anything from her or else she'll say you're a terrible provider. Police won't do anything because your physical safety isn't at risk. And an abusive personality isn't usually open to reason or acting fairly and justly. And of course if there are children involved then even if he just up and leaves, the government may well let his lady get her hands on his money in the name of child support.

So the best way to prevent it, is to not be in such a hurry to get married or have kids that you rush into a marraige. Seems to me I heard a saying once: Marry in a hurry, repent at leisure (of course I'm in such an unhurry that I might never get around to it, but I'm just fine with not having to deal with any abuse in my home so it's an option I can live with).

As for the rest of us, about all we can do is be the voice of reason to tell men that if their wife or gf is making their lives a living hell, that's not right and they should get outta dodge because that's about all they can do.

Well... It worked for Potiphar's wife.

 

[Magenta]

First they have to recognize and admit that this is abuse (even though it's just words)

Isn't that like blackmail? But instead of money, something else (compliance) is demanded.

black·mail
/ˈblakˌmāl/
noun
noun: blackmail

the action, treated as a criminal offense, of demanding payment or another benefit from
someone in return for not revealing compromising or damaging information about them.

Only in your example, the potential allegations/charges against the victim's character are false, so it is

fraud
/frôd/
noun
noun: fraud; plural noun: frauds

wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain.

 

[MsMediator]

Men do not usually face physical or marital sexual abuse (men may say denial of sex is sex abuse, but it is not the same as physical sexual abuse). What they may face is emotional abuse, and personally I do not think emotional abuse such as nagging is on the same level as physical, marital sexual, or severe emotional abuse (yelling, harsh name calling, etc.). Nagging is the only tactic basically available to women, as there is an evolutionary subconscious fear that pushing the limits too far may get her hit by the husband (due to his greater strength and size). Women still bear the brunt of abuse in a marriage. In any case, living with a nagging person can be draining.

 

[MsMediator]

Most wives end up not reporting abuse to the police, as the husbands go back and forth asking for forgiveness, the need for his income and stability, and shame. Wives do not press charges unless the abuse is really bad/life threatening.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

What they may face is emotional abuse, and personally I do not think emotional abuse such as nagging is on the same level as physical, marital sexual, or severe emotional abuse (yelling, harsh name calling, etc.

Tell that to Samson.

Judges 16:16

"And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;"

Delilah's persistent nagging vexed Samson's soul unto death. Her nagging ultimately cost him not only his eyes, but his life as well.

 

[Lanolin]

I think this is one of the main issues right here. Men are told they need to be strong, silent, and must handle everything on their own.

Women are supposed to have a man's "big strong shoulders" to cry on; but it seems to be assumed that men will be ok if they just rely on God. Certainly we're all supposed to rely on God, but I think men need more, and I would like to see things changed.

Most especially if a man is taking care of a sick wife. He needs a support system and care relief!

This makes me wonder... I'll see if anyone notices this question... maybe it will turn into its own thread.


* Gentlemen, how helpful (or not) do you find things like Men's Groups and get togethers ("Men's Pancake Breakfast This Saturday at 8 AM") to be? Do any of you participate in these groups and do you feel they have helped you build a support network? *


Which brings me to ANOTHER question... Why is it always Men's Breakfast and Ladies' Lunches? I have actually wondered that... Why it seemed normal to assume guys wanted to get up at 7 AM to get to a Saturday breakfast at 8, while women were always corralled into lunch. (Admittedly, it might just be that I sometimes have a bias towards breakfast foods.)

what.

I dont think I've ever cried on a mans shoulder. I cried into my pillow. Its softer.

 

[Lanolin]

Is nagging abuse.
Or henpecking. Isnt this just 'normal' for most marriages?

Women may wear dresses and skirts but they always wear pants underneath. I mean what woman would go without wearing underpants?

 

[shittim]

Husbands more so than wives.

 

[Lanolin]

My dad just puts headphones on and listens to music, so hes deaf to nagging.

Nowadays people wear those earbud things, or noise cancelling headphones. I think it works.

 

[shittim]

Tell that to Samson.

Judges 16:16

"And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;"

Delilah's persistent nagging vexed Samson's soul unto death. Her nagging ultimately cost him not only his eyes, but his life as well.

No one seems to have mentioned how we are to take EVERYTHING to Him for His guidance, so far I see people posting of how they are going to continue to lean on they're own understanding, the very thing that creates problems.
If there is trouble here on earth, it is never from Him.

 

[notmyown]

But over the years, as "Girl Power!" becomes the extremely lopsided battle cry of society, I find myself more and more concerned that men, especially those of various demographics that have been almost unanimously villainized, will become more susceptible to suffering in silence than ever before. I think especially of young men who are trying to navigate an increasingly hostile society that sees them as the enemy, just for being male.

if i may, i'd like to address this part of your post. perhaps it would be helpful to the rest, i dunno.
i want to thank you for bringing up such an important topic. you're a very loving person. ♥

i believe we as Christian women should be doing everything we can to let the men and boys in our lives know how much we esteem and appreciate the male-ness of men (not in a creepy way). yes, all people are alike in many ways, but any parent can tell there's an inherent difference between their sons and daughters. it's visible by the time they're 3-4 months old.
i'm definitely with the "vive la différence" crowd.

masculinity in men isn't something to be berated, or even pooh-poohed, but celebrated. men are just as God created them to be and it's wonderful, just as femininity in women is.

can i just say to the fellas, thank you! thanks for wanting to protect those weaker than you are, and care for us, and for reaching stuff we can't, lifting stuff we can't, carrying stuff we can't (not always in a merely physical way). and i'm sad culture has decided to be demeaning about these things.
i realize there are times, especially in a marriage, that women may carry the burden for a while, yet i wonder if it's more natural to men.

but as seoul alludes to, today everything masculine is bad. unless a woman is doing it.

 

[seoulsearch]

if i may, i'd like to address this part of your post. perhaps it would be helpful to the rest, i dunno.
i want to thank you for bringing up such an important topic. you're a very loving person. ♥

i believe we as Christian women should be doing everything we can to let the men and boys in our lives know how much we esteem and appreciate the male-ness of men (not in a creepy way). yes, all people are alike in many ways, but any parent can tell there's an inherent difference between their sons and daughters. it's visible by the time they're 3-4 months old.
i'm definitely with the "vive la différence" crowd.

masculinity in men isn't something to be berated, or even pooh-poohed, but celebrated. men are just as God created them to be and it's wonderful, just as femininity in women is.

can i just say to the fellas, thank you! thanks for wanting to protect those weaker than you are, and care for us, and for reaching stuff we can't, lifting stuff we can't, carrying stuff we can't (not always in a merely physical way). and i'm sad culture has decided to be demeaning about these things.
i realize there are times, especially in a marriage, that women may carry the burden for a while, yet i wonder if it's more natural to men.

but as seoul alludes to, today everything masculine is bad. unless a woman is doing it.

Thank you for this very thoughtful post, NotMyOwn.

One of the greatest blessings I was ever given was a Godly (adoptive) father, and I try to make it a point to tell him (and my mom, who also adopted me) regularly how thankful I am for them and efforts and sacrifices they made to send me to Lutheran schools, regular church services and events, etc.

For as many conflicts as I've had while coming to terms with what I was reading in the Bible vs. what I was seeing carried out there, I know my parents and many of the people there worked hard to make sure I had a solid Biblical foundation, and I will always be grateful for that.

In my adult years, I've wrote a letter of gratitude to pastor there who was especially influential during my formative years, patiently trying to answer my endless streams of questions and caring for my classmates and myself as a spiritual father.

As you said, I think it's vitally important to let people know how important to their work has been in our lives and to reinforce their God-given abilities (a big part of the edification God tells us to give others.)

 

[JohnDB]

Women treating men with respect is not difficult.
Men expecting to be treated with respect is not either.

It either happens or it doesn't.

When you come into a relationship expecting the other person to meet your emotional, financial, daily tasks, and physical needs.....leave the relationship. It's that easy. Because if that happens it means YOU are the abuser. You aren't entering the relationship with the right motives.

That's not what a relationship is about.

"Two wounded souls" do not make a great relationship....they make a ward in a hospital for injured souls.