How Can We Help, Prevent, and Stop the Abuse of Men in Relationships?

[seekingthemindofChrist]

One of the worst dates I ever had was with a guy I really had high hopes for, as my friends who worked in missions had set him up, saying he had been a worship leader, etc.

The entire date consisted of him telling me everything his ex-wife did wrong, including withholding sex from him, and he winked at me and said, "I sure hope you wouldn't be like." He then actually made a comment about being willing to test things out right then and there on the restaurant floor.

I politely evaded, listened, and endured the "conversation"... but man oh man.

I couldn't get home fast enough.

A worship leader, huh?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

 

[seoulsearch]

How can we help prevent and stop the abuse of men in relationships?

Well, if you are a woman, then you can stop being a brawling, contentious, and angry woman who is like a continual dropping in a very rainy day, or like a torrential downpour, because it is easier to restrain the wind, or to grasp oil with one's right hand, than it is to deal with you.

Proverbs 21:9

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house."

Proverbs 21:19

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."

Proverbs 27:15-16

"A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his right hand, which bewrayeth itself."

I am just mentioning these things for a friend...

How about for women who, yes, are still human with flaws, but don't fit under those definitions?

I'm not saying this out of arrogance or self-righteousness.

I'm well aware plenty of people might see me as a contentious woman! 😳

Rather, I honestly don't think any of my female friends fit under those descriptions and I'm thinking of them.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

How about for women who, yes, are still human with flaws, but don't fit under those definitions?

I'm not saying this out of arrogance or self-righteousness.

I'm well aware plenty of people might see me as a contentious woman! 😳

Rather, I honestly don't think any of my female friends fit under those descriptions and I'm thinking of them.

I should have qualified my comments by saying something like "IF you are this type of woman, then..."

I know that not all women are like that, but many are.

It is also interesting to note that Solomon wrote those words, and he had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and none of them qualified as being a virtuous woman. Of course, Solomon was no day at the beach himself. Anyhow, I am definitely not trying to pick on women. I really just wanted to include some verses which show what many men have to deal with because it pertains to the topic of your thread.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Btw, there do seem to be some nice women on this website.

In fact, I think that I might be falling in love with lanolin.

Pray for me...her!

lol.

 

[FollowingtheWay]

Gentlemen, how helpful (or not) do you find things like Men's Groups and get togethers ("Men's Pancake Breakfast This Saturday at 8 AM") to be? Do any of you participate in these groups and do you feel they have helped you build a support network? *

I think they help somewhat. I’m in a weekly group and we’re going through a book centered on biblical masculinity . Problem is finding men willing to be vulnerable and share their story. We create elaborate (fig leaves) to cover our shame and we hide behind a false identity to self protect .
There is really actually something new I’m tracking in a Christian circle. It’s actually about as old as time. It’s a very non religious way to get men together and it’s quite literally around a campfire hosted once a month where on average 6 men come for maybe 3 hours and share story around campfire in the context of what God is up to in their life. God will use One story from one man’s journey to naturally minister to another man as the stories are shared in the group . Really neat stuff and I’m hoping to find a few men willing to try it with me for a season as opposed to the conventional religious settings we often find ourselves trying to address this stuff.

https://wildatheart.org/fires/

 

[shittim]

this is an incredibly deep subject, the anti male bias for the last 70 years has permeated our whole society.
Starting with relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ being perverted to "if you want to go to heaven you have to go through us" religion to now, where the male is emasculated.
The same problem men have with lust of the eyes, women have with self esteem , thus they fail to seek the Lord for His guidance and plan for their life and end up with Mr. Loser.

 

[seoulsearch]

A worship leader, huh?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Lol. Oh, it wasn't just the worship leaders.

I haven't been on the dating sites or an active part of the pool in probably... I can't even remember. So these are very old stories I've told a hundred times and I feel bad for the regulars who keep seeing them!

There was another guy I had high hopes for -- he seemed like such a fascinating person. His family was from another country so he had a very interest background; he had worked into a leadership position at his job but immediately gave the credit to his team; he was driving 90 minutes each way to go back to a church he believe God had really led him to, even after moving away.

I actually left that date feeling hopeful.

Until I almost got home... (a 45 minute drive for each of us,) and hadn't even walked through my door yet when my phone started blowing up. Basically, he was texting and saying that since we'd gotten along so well, when could we start "sharing bodies." (His exact words.)

One of the reasons I stopped actively trying to date is because I was becoming so anxious about having to fend off requests for sex -- especially on the first date. (In a way I was glad when the guy tried during that first meeting so I knew not to go out with him again.) I eventually had to face the fact that I felt a lot less nervous just staying home and doing all the nerdy little hobbies I normally do than worrying about what I would be asked to consider, and trying to plan my escape when it happened.

Now I'm sure someone out there will ask what I was doing to "lead these guys on," but ask any of my friends. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl, to any occasion. Very plain, maybe even a bit mousy, girl-next-door type. I think the issue with me is that my whole life, people have opened up to me about the deepest feelings and secrets of their heart. I think some guys felt comfortable telling me a lot of things on their mind, then mistook that as some sort of bond that would lead to intimacy.

Of course I understand that sex is extremely important to men -- it would be to me too if I were married to the right one! But to be asked about it on first dates that also included these guys talking about their churches or even roles in the church... Who needs that kind of stress? (And I've heard plenty of stories of guys who have been propositioned by the ladies as well, so I definitely know it goes both ways.)

This is why I write the threads I do. We're all in our places of life for a myriad of reasons... And many of them are extremely disheartening.

Through these discussions, we can all learn about what the other is going through and help encourage each other along the way.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

Hi Everyone,

Some recent talk in the forums had me thinking about the fact that when we talk about abuse in relationships, it's almost always assumed to be a case of a woman who is being abused by a man (and in many cases, maybe the abuse is coming from both sides.)

But the opposite side is rarely talked about, and as Christians, I think it's important to discuss so that we can be of help.

* Have you ever witnessed a man (perhaps even a close relative or your own father) being abused in a relationship? (I realize this question is probably too personal for any man who has been through it himself; feel free to share only what you are comfortable with.)

* Did he try to tell anyone or get help? What was done? How did the person survive?

* What can be done to help prevent men from getting into abusive relationships/marriages, and how do we help them get out if they are in one?"

One of the inspirations for this thread is a story I remember from a regular Singles poster who knew a man who was killed by his wife, and just reading that felt like a stab through the heart.

We probably have to start with talking about how abuse can be defined in these cases, as I'm guessing (I could be wrong; this is a chance for me to learn,) that a woman abusing a man might look a bit different than a man abusing a woman. For example, there might not be as much physical confrontation or beatings (though it certainly could be that,) but possibly more hateful ultimatums and threats?

I have known many men who were financially abused by women, which I think can be a delicate subject especially in the church because Godly men are seen as needing to be providers. But there must be a line between a man providing and a woman simply demanding more, more, and more to the point where the man is literally working himself to death.

This also has me thinking of times when husbands would have Biblical grounds to divorce their wives due to abuse. I have also heard of many single fathers who became that way because their wives were alcoholics or drug addicts, etc.

I grew up in a childhood church that pretty much insisted a married couple stay together no matter what; the church I found in my later adulthood told its members that if one was in an abusive marriage, "Get out while you still have your life." Now, I understand that there is a wide array of beliefs about this, and that the definition of "abuse" can easily be manipulated into serving one's wants and not actual Biblical grounds. I myself have the stance that God does not want us to stay in abusive situations, but those are just my own beliefs.

I have seen both male and female friends, co-worker, family members, etc., get into bad relationships or marriages because of something they were attracted to (a pretty face, financial stability, etc.) and they couldn't be talked out of it (I've been guilty of this myself!)

But over the years, as "Girl Power!" becomes the extremely lopsided battle cry of society, I find myself more and more concerned that men, especially those of various demographics that have been almost unanimously villainized, will become more susceptible to suffering in silence than ever before. I think especially of young men who are trying to navigate an increasingly hostile society that sees them as the enemy, just for being male.

Something has to be done.

What can we do as Christians to come together to help and protect our Godly men?

I think you identified the stereotype.
I enjoy studying Biblical sociology and crime prevention, so this has been an interest since I was a teen.
There are a number of reasons I could list, but have a break and time for one right now.

Example A.
I worked on a research farm / lab with all types of people from the farm hands to my professor. The only Christian was one of the best employees and nicest guys you'd meet.
I'll call him John. I noticed that his direct coworkers, who were the farm hands and maintenance, would rass him mercilessly about his wife. There was time long before I was there that John made the mistake of opening up to them about his marital problems. Since he was a Christian and hard worker, they had more motivation to go from teasing to outright constant harassment. The head of the farm knew of it and ignored the issue. John ignored it. He knew that there was no solution from the world's people. Most side with the women in the legal realm. Many of the judges of family courts are man hating homosexuals that share the woke mentality that the women are right, are the victims and are entitled. Sure there are too many men who abuse women and I've done proactive things to help wherever possible. However, when John was physically abused, had he called police, what good would it do?
Biblical counciling normally comes from behind the pulpits. It's the family's job to apply solutions. The biggest "solution" that most go for are the dirty divorce liars/ attorneys.

I went to visit John's church and had witnessed publicly how his wife spoke to him in front of everyone, so it was easy to believe what his coworkers said was true.

The converse can be said of others, but there is no excuse for violence in the family. The stronger man is meant to defend his family. The wife should never gossip nor allow a railing accusation to stand against her husband. The devil has had a field day in the lives of Christian families who disregard the plain Biblical mandates. He's got the wives at enmity against their husbands and husbands against wives. He's called all believers to peace.

 

[shittim]

Narcissist is just about the perfect description for one of the adversaries minions, and we ALL should recognize such as these in these very last of the last days. I found this recently and am meditating on the scriptures mentioned, what do you say?
best wishes

 

[seoulsearch]

Personally, and I am being totally serious, I would rather be shot out of a cannon into the mouth of an erupting volcano with a keg of dynamite strapped to my back than to attend a men's breakfast. Sorry, but I like women.

I think they help somewhat. I’m in a weekly group and we’re going through a book centered on biblical masculinity . Problem is finding men willing to be vulnerable and share their story. We create elaborate (fig leaves) to cover our shame and we hide behind a false identity to self protect .
There is really actually something new I’m tracking in a Christian circle. It’s actually about as old as time. It’s a very non religious way to get men together and it’s quite literally around a campfire hosted once a month where on average 6 men come for maybe 3 hours and share story around campfire in the context of what God is up to in their life. God will use One story from one man’s journey to naturally minister to another man as the stories are shared in the group . Really neat stuff and I’m hoping to find a few men willing to try it with me for a season as opposed to the conventional religious settings we often find ourselves trying to address this stuff.

https://wildatheart.org/fires/

I appreciate the honest feedback about Men's Groups/Breakfasts, whether positive or negative. It's the honesty that I'm most interested in.

I've asked these questions before on the forum and unfortunately, it always seems like a Catch 22. Men are taught not to open up or talk about their feelings. So what happens when you put a bunch of men together? In general, I'm guessing, they're all going to sit around and... certainly not share about their feelings. And so round and round it goes, with no real help. I do give the church for trying. I'm wondering if groups where men get together and cook out, watch the big game, or work on manly projects together -- however that's defined -- would be more helpful in building rapport.

I've also heard the sentiment before that many men only want to talk to women. I think of my Grandpa when he lost his wife of 64 years, and how he told me that men only share with women. So after she died, he set out to find another woman as soon as possible -- because he didn't know how else to cope with his loneliness.

Many years ago I went to a "Cleansing Streams" retreat. One day the topic was breaking free from sexual abuse, and there was a group of youn guys from Teen Challenge who had completely dominated the entire service -- in a good way. They were the ones singing, praising, and worshiping more boldly than any other group that attended.

Once we got into the session, one young man broke down crying, and the fell on the floor into a full-on weep. This particular subject obviously affected him deeply, and I was astonished to see the guys in his group offering continual shouts to God and patting him on the back in comfort.

It was one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed -- I'm getting goosebumps just remembering it -- and I have always wondered how we can make that kind of level of support norm for all men of all ages.

 

[Niki7]

Have you ever, nicely of course, told these women that you didn't want to hear their issues? I ask because I made that mistake with my hubby. He was being a nice guy and listening to my issues with another person. It's not something I did with others but he's a good listener. Then one day he just said " I don't want to hear about what the last guy did to you. Can't you see I'm interested in you?" I was shocked!! He said " why do you think I'm listening to your troubles, because I care about you!!" And that was the day our relationship started. Nine years this month.

I really appreciate that. Good for him and good for you for listening.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

.

The converse can be said of others, but there is no excuse for violence in the family. The stronger man is meant to defend his family. The wife should never gossip nor allow a railing accusation to stand against her husband. The devil has had a field day in the lives of Christian families who disregard the plain Biblical mandates. He's got the wives at enmity against their husbands and husbands against wives. He's called all believers to peace.

I was in a hurry and should have said, GOD has called believers to peace, particularly husbands and wives.

 

[Niki7]

This might just be me, but I think that mistrust has become the everyday norm in society, along with most people demanding that anyone who approaches them must "prove" something because of someone who hurt them. It's understandable, but since they are still living within their hurt, any new candidate becomes someone else who has to "pass all the test" to prove they are "different from all the others" and "worthy" of their company.

I can empathize with your story very well. I've had lots of guy friends talk about this often. It's the age-old adage, "Nice guys finish last." As terrible as it is, society seems to reinforce that quite often.

But what I've found is that it both genders are punished in slightly different ways. Some men are rejected because they are seen as not having what a woman thinks she is looking for, or there is no "spark" between them. Why that is, I have no idea. I've experienced it as well, both as the friend zoner and the friend zonee.

Why is it that so many wonderful people wind up as "just friends"?! This seems to be one of the mysteries of the universe.

The flip side for women is that nice women who don't have a certain look the guys want are also tossed aside. I know women who are the sweetest Christian gals you could ever meet, still virgins, no tattoos, could probably outcook Paula Deen, earn their own wages and are frugal with money -- but they don't fit within the weight limits, body styles, or level of looks the guys they've been attracted to, and so they too are "just friends."

It seems each gender unfortunately has barriers to progress that result in a lot of people being rejected.


One of the worst dates I ever had was with a guy I really had high hopes for, as my friends who worked in missions had set him up, saying he had been a worship leader, etc.

The entire date consisted of him telling me everything his ex-wife did wrong, including witholding sex from him, and he winked at me and said, "I sure hope you wouldn't be like." He then actually made a comment about being willing to test things out right then and there on the restaurant floor.

I politely evaded, listened, and endured the "conversation"... but man oh man.

I couldn't get home fast enough.

(This is also a reason why I usually don't ask someone pick me up on a date -- so I can have my own transportation to rely on if needed.)

I'd be interested in her comments. (meaning it sounds more like she had had enough of his particular brand of 'I am so important) Good idea about yr own transportation.

 

[FollowingtheWay]

I appreciate the honest feedback about Men's Groups/Breakfasts, whether positive or negative. It's the honesty that I'm most interested in.

I've asked these questions before on the forum and unfortunately, it always seems like a Catch 22. Men are taught not to open up or talk about their feelings. So what happens when you put a bunch of men together? In general, I'm guessing, they're all going to sit around and... certainly not share about their feelings. And so round and round it goes, with no real help. I do give the church for trying. I'm wondering if groups where men get together and cook out, watch the big game, or work on manly projects together -- however that's defined -- would be more helpful in building rapport.

I've also heard the sentiment before that many men only want to talk to women. I think of my Grandpa when he lost his wife of 64 years, and how he told me that men only share with women. So after she died, he set out to find another woman as soon as possible -- because he didn't know how else to cope with his loneliness.

Many years ago I went to a "Cleansing Streams" retreat. One day the topic was breaking free from sexual abuse, and there was a group of youn guys from Teen Challenge who had completely dominated the entire service -- in a good way. They were the ones singing, praising, and worshiping more boldly than any other group that attended.

Once we got into the session, one young man broke down crying, and the fell on the floor into a full-on weep. This particular subject obviously affected him deeply, and I was astonished to see the guys in his group offering continual shouts to God and patting him on the back in comfort.

It was one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed -- I'm getting goosebumps just remembering it -- and I have always wondered how we can make that kind of level of support norm for all men of all ages.

I think it’s culturally built walls that have to come down initially . There has to be an intentional slowdown and removal of distractions. Men have the ability to compartmentalize their lives. This is what makes men able to get through such atrocities as war without having a breakdown in the middle, but we see all too well the compartmentalization of their inner life shuts them down and walls off the pain and hurt till they cannot take it anymore and bad things happen as a result. But in a retreat style setting often 1man opens up and it gives other men permission to open up. It may take a man weeks or months to process what he just saw from another man for instance the man who opened up at that cleansing streams retreat. It takes men time and often more time than most are comfortable sitting with. We’re not taught in our current culture to sit well with and in others pain. Often we want to wrap it up in a neat bow in a 1/2 hour session which isn’t how a human soul processes things. I’ve often bumped into “the awkward silence” moments in group where maybe someone is processing but they get skipped over because someone is in a hurry and uncomfortable with silence. It really quite dynamic issues that have to be bridged and very few are willing to commit for various reasons.

 

[Niki7]

I'd be interested in her comments. (meaning it sounds more like she had had enough of his particular brand of 'I am so important) Good idea about yr own transportation.

why is that shocking "mind of Christ' if you don't mind me asking? There are always 2 sides to a story and when someone downgrades their wife to another woman on a first date, it was definitely not all the wife's 'fault'

 

[Niki7]

this is an incredibly deep subject, the anti male bias for the last 70 years has permeated our whole society.
Starting with relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ being perverted to "if you want to go to heaven you have to go through us" religion to now, where the male is emasculated.
The same problem men have with lust of the eyes, women have with self esteem , thus they fail to seek the Lord for His guidance and plan for their life and end up with Mr. Loser.

Actually, that comment on women and self-esteem is pertinent IMO

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

why is that shocking "mind of Christ' if you don't mind me asking? There are always 2 sides to a story and when someone downgrades their wife to another woman on a first date, it was definitely not all the wife's 'fault'

Sorry about that. I was on my phone, and I hit the wrong emoji. I actually agree with what you said, and I am removing the emoji now.

 

[Niki7]

Sorry about that. I was on my phone, and I hit the wrong emoji. I actually agree with what you said, and I am removing the emoji now.

LOL! Those wrong emojis have alot to answer for

Thanks!

 

[shittim]

the nature of the medium, we need to give each other a break, just like that.
blessings

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

the nature of the medium, we need to give each other a break, just like that.
blessings

Now I know what Job meant when he talked about escaping with the skin of his teeth...lol.