Does Marriage Cure or Even Lessen a Pornography/Sex Addiction? (All Are Welcome to Answer.)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

This is a question we ask here every now and then as a reality check, and it certainly seemed fitting to do so again with round of "Is There Sex In Heaven (I Sure Hope So)" threads that have circulated in the past few months.

We all know the infamous passage, "For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," 1 Corinthians 7:9, and I'm sure that for many long-time singles, if we got a dollar (or whatever your home currency is) every time we were quoted this verse in response to our singleness, we would all be -- well, we would all have a WHOLE lot more money in our wallets than we do now.

Now I am NOT AT ALL trying to refute the wisdom of the Bible or Paul's writings. However, I think everything should be taken into consideration on an individual level, with much prayer, counsel, and wisdom from others who may be able to help. It seems many in the church have made marriage into an idolic panacea that will cure all, especially regarding sexual curiosities and desires.

I've been here asking this same question (whether marriage cures porn/sex addictions) for years, and I might have missed it, but I can't think of a single time when someone said, "Yes, yes, yes it does!!!" And many of the people answered were indeed married, as those were the target audience for this question. In all this time, I can't recall even one married person saying it cured an obsession with sex, whether their own or their spouse's, nor can I remember anyone saying they had witnessed marriage curing this problem for someone they knew, either.

But who knows, maybe the current audience is much different -- and today just might be the standout day.

I'm going to write a poll that is generic enough so that anyone answering can do so as if they are talking about someone else without incriminating themselves, as having all the answers be completely anonymous (no one will know you answered.)

Normally I ask people to please participate in both the poll AND the thread, but I realize many might not want to answer with a post. Feel free to look over the poll and see what answers you have observed in your own life or of those you know, and add any further thoughts in a post if you feel comfortable.

Please also note that the poll system only allows a certain number of options so I am doing the best I can within the parameters of the system. After every poll I write, someone will say, "You should have included..." But I either ran out of choices that the system would allow or else I missed an answer you feel is crucial.

If that's the case, please add any additional answers in your post. For example, "I'd like to add (insert thoughts here) as another answer to the poll.)

This poll/thread is for everyone, both single and married. Even if someone is single and has never been married and is a virgin, they might know someone who has or is dealing with this.

And I'd like to leave you with these questions:

* If marriage doesn't stop or cure a porn/sex addiction, what does?

* Does a person need to wait until they have their porn/sex addiction under control before they marry?

* Can two people who are addicted to porn/sex marry? Is this double trouble that will lead to collapse, or will they be able to help each other through?

* Is it fair for someone without these addictions to marry someone who does? Or does it not matter, because of the grace of God?


I know there are no one-size-fits-all answers for these questions. Every situation is different, and the only guidance that fits all of them is seeking Godly counsel and a lot of prayer.

These questions are here to get people thinking -- and I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.

 

[seoulsearch]

And...

SNAP!!!


I was on a roll of writing possible responses, when the system cut me off and just automatically posted the poll.

Other answers I wanted to give include:

* Singles with a porn/sex addiction should WAIT until they are better/in remission/recovered before marrying.

* I know someone married who knew porn was a problem before marriage but married anyway.

* I know someone who knew porn/sex addiction was involved and refused/delayed marriage because of it.

* I know someone married who regrets marrying even though they knew a porn/sex addition was involved.

* I know someone married and the porn/sex addiction was lessened throughout their marriage.


And lastly, I wanted to add in a reminder for people to write in ideas for other answers they'd like to see in their posts.

I'm looking forward to the discussion.

 

[Lynx]

The system posts the thread automatically if you're not finished by a certain time?

That would make me paranoid. I'd have to start typing it out in a notepad file, then copy-paste to the forum thread.

 

[Lynx]

As for the topic, I've been single all my life so I have no idea about any of this. I've never asked my friends and they have never volunteered the information.

I will be interested in the answers we get though.

 

[seoulsearch]

The system posts the thread automatically if you're not finished by a certain time?

That would make me paranoid. I'd have to start typing it out in a notepad file, then copy-paste to the forum thread.

No -- what happens is that when you're writing answers for a poll, you have to hit Enter for it to give you the next blank box for the next answer.

The system gives you only one box to write in at at time instead of showing you all the blank boxes at once, so the only way to get a new one is to hit Enter.

Unless you've memorized exactly how many boxes the system gives you and are keeping track, it then automatically posts everything without warning when you hit Enter after finishing the last possible answer.

 

[Lynx]

Make a suggestion in the Suggestion forum.
"Could you give us a counter to let us know how many poll choices we have left, before we reach the end and it posts the whole flipping mess without warning?"

I'd make it myself, but I wouldn't know what I'm talking about because I've never posted a poll.

 

[seoulsearch]

Make a suggestion in the Suggestion forum.
"Could you give us a counter to let us know how many poll choices we have left, before we reach the end and it posts the whole flipping mess without warning?"

I'd make it myself, but I wouldn't know what I'm talking about because I've never posted a poll.

The answer I always see when suggestions like that are are given is that...

Well, the way my little pea brain understands it, the system they use has a certain fixed template and it can't be customized or adjusted.

Even if they could change it, I'm guessing it wouldn't be worth the trouble because so few people ever write polls anyway.

 

[Ruby123]

I dont believe that a porn/sex addiction usually ceases when someone marries judging by the number of threads we have had of married people wanting prayer for their spouses sex/porn addiction to cease. Most of the threads were written by women. I cant recall any men writing one although both sexes could have this addiction.
I think those that have this addiction allow for the devil to have a stronghold on their flesh and it is not easily broken. It seems to have a spiritual hold on them.
I remember once there was a tv show on ladyboys in Thailand (men who dress and behave as women) They said that their clients were mainly western men from Aus, England and America and they were mostly married. They interviewed a couple of these western men and asked them why did they like ladyboys. One guy said because they have the female look but they have the sex drive of a man something their wives did not have. So every year they would come on holidays to Thailand and have a holiday of sex.
Personally I would not want to marry a guy with a porn addiction. To me it would be a deal breaker.

 

[seoulsearch]

I dont believe that a porn/sex addiction usually ceases when someone marries judging by the number of threads we have had of married people wanting prayer for their spouses sex/porn addiction to cease. Most of the threads were written by women. I cant recall any men writing one although both sexes could have this addiction.
I think those that have this addiction allow for the devil to have a stronghold on their flesh and it is not easily broken. It seems to have a spiritual hold on them.
I remember once there was a tv show on ladyboys in Thailand (men who dress and behave as women) They said that their clients were mainly western men from Aus, England and America and they were mostly married. They interviewed a couple of these western men and asked them why did they like ladyboys. One guy said because they have the female look but they have the sex drive of a man something their wives did not have. So every year they would come on holidays to Thailand and have a holiday of sex.
Personally I would not want to marry a guy with a porn addiction. To me it would be a deal breaker.

I sometimes wonder if porn addiction in women is classified differently.

There used to be a used bookstore on the route I went to and from work everyday, and they had an entire back wall dedicated to "romance novels" for a quarter each. You could go in with a couple (American) dollars and walk out with a stack of books. I think I tried to read a couple back in the day because you know, they get marketed as being fantasy for women. But I thank God I found nothing romantic nor appealing about them.

I have known a few women who would read those kinds of books all the time. I suppose some could argue that they are reading them for the "story," but I'd have to argue that this would be like a man who tried to say he subscribed to Playboy for the "articles."

I could be wrong.

But I definitely agree with you, Ruby. I know God has the power to break anyone from any bondage, but it might not be in this life. Having bought into the "God can/will change him!" philosophy in that past and seeing nothing change, I'm a lot more cautious these days, which is probably why I'm chronically single.

But I've found that I'd rather be single than have to deal with impossible competition.

And I would tell a man to be cautious of a woman who has an addiction to romance/fairytales as well, because she is always going to want more, more, more. More attention, more gifts, more material goods to show how good of a life she has.

I don't want to leave people feeling hopeless, but I don't want to give anyone a false sense of security either, which I think is common: "Just trust God! He'll work it out!"

But at the same time, anyone who gets married and then asks for help with their issues always gets told, "DIDN'T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HUGE WARNING SIGNS BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?" They are always blamed in some way for their own problems.

It's a classic case of, you're in trouble if you do get married, and you're in trouble if you don't. Either way, other people are going to put the blame squarely on your shoulders when you struggle.

And yet, if we all waited for perfection (whether in ourselves or others,) NONE of us would ever get married.

I don't know where the line is between taking a leap of faith and heeding the warning signs enough to just stay single.

 

[Cameron143]

Marriage doesn't cure any problems, but it will reveal the ones that exist. Satisfaction and fulfillment can only be found in an intimate relationship with God. Too many people attempt to substitute a human relationship for that which can only be met in and through God.
This is reason so many relationships fail. People are trying to find in a mate what only God can provide. Until the Lord is your Shepherd, you will continue to want. And as long someone attempts to have those wants met in anything that isn't God, they will remain dissatisfied.

 

[Lanolin]

I think what Ruby wrote is true in my experience it doesnt stop it. Married people DO have affairs it doesnt stop them, much less any porn addiction, many men cannot be satisifed with just one wife. They want at least about 20

 

[Lanolin]

Wasnt King Solomon an addict judging by the number of wives and concubines the Bible says he had.

 

[Cameron143]

Wasnt King Solomon an addict judging by the number of wives and concubines the Bible says he had.

Some people need more convincing than others.

 

[seoulsearch]

Marriage doesn't cure any problems, but it will reveal the ones that exist. Satisfaction and fulfillment can only be found in an intimate relationship with God. Too many people attempt to substitute a human relationship for that which can only be met in and through God.
This is reason so many relationships fail. People are trying to find in a mate what only God can provide. Until the Lord is your Shepherd, you will continue to want. And as long someone attempts to have those wants met in anything that isn't God, they will remain dissatisfied.

Thank you so much for your post, Cameron.

I think marriage often gets idolized as something that will solve all our problems (at least as a long-time single, I feel it often gets marketed that way.)

I used to be, and have talked to, many singles who seemed to think marriage instantly solved sexual desire, loneliness, insecurity, financial stress, fulfilling life dreams... and the list goes on.

I'm always thankful for the married people here who give us realistic, but faith-based answers from their own experience.

One of my very favorite threads we ever had here in Singles was from a married woman who wrote how her Valentine's Day had gone -- and she emphasized that it was just another day.

It was refreshingly eye-opening because she was telling us to keep our expectations realistic without being condescending or alienating those who were single.

Thanks for taking the time to hang out with us!

 

[Cameron143]

Thank you so much for your post, Cameron.

I think marriage often gets idolized as something that will solve all our problems (at least as a long-time single, I feel it often gets marketed that way.)

I used to be, and have talked to, many singles who seemed to think marriage instantly solved sexual desire, loneliness, insecurity, financial stress, fulfilling life dreams... and the list goes on.

I'm always thankful for the married people here who give us realistic, but faith-based answers from their own experience.

One of my very favorite threads we ever had here in Singles was from a married woman who wrote how her Valentine's Day had gone -- and she emphasized that it was just another day.

It was refreshingly eye-opening because she was telling us to keep our expectations realistic without being condescending or alienating those who were single.

Thanks for taking the time to hang out with us!

Those are very kind words. Thank you.
I share because I see so many people getting married only to later divorce. Having been through that pain and watched how devastating it can be, it truly breaks my heart to see others go through the same.
And don't get me wrong...marriage is a wonderful estate when done well. But if you go into marriage for what you can get rather than what you can give, you are doomed to have problems. The kernel finds life in its death, and marriage finds life as each denies themselves and lives for the other. Then everyday becomes Valentines Day.

 

[Susanna]

I think, and I have to underline that this is just what I think, women are more prone to reading texts about what one would label pornography. Men, and again, this is what I think, are possibly more visual. Bottom line, though, both men and women are reading/watching pornography, but maybe in different ways.

Will marriage cure or lessen this? Again, I think consumers of pornography, men or women, like someone already mentioned, are creating expectations for themselves that can’t be met by the significant other.

 

[seoulsearch]

I think, and I have to underline that this is just what I think, women are more prone to reading texts about what one would label pornography. Men, and again, this is what I think, are possibly more visual. Bottom line, though, both men and women are reading/watching pornography, but maybe in different ways.

Will marriage cure or lessen this? Again, I think consumers of pornography, men or women, like someone already mentioned, are creating expectations for themselves that can’t be met by the significant other.

I completely agree, Susanna.

I always hear men say, "God created men to be visual (so I must have a hot wife.)" But my counter to that is always, "If God made men visual, does that mean He made women blind?"

I think there's this assumption that some guys think they don't have to take care of themselves because women are supposedly less likely to care about looks. Gentlemen, trust me -- ladies notice. I've seen many a good-looking Christian guy at church with all the women vying for his attention. (That's not to say every guy has to look like a movie star, but I'm always astonished to meet a guy who don't bother with basic hygiene, like deodorant or brushing his teeth, but thinks he'll land a hot wife.)

I think that what gets missed is that women often require atmosphere and some kind of bonding -- along with looks -- to get those feelings going. Men might be ready to respond with exposure to a single image or sight, and sure, women can be instantly attracted to good looks, but what really does it for most women is the setup of a slow burn. Women love the story of how a couple meets, and want to see the narrative grow from there. They relish the flourishing interactions where the guy is flirting, flattering, or flubbing up what he tries to say, all because he is so attracted to her.

Women desire the verbal banter, play, and connection built up within the span of a movie or book, and sometimes written descriptions can be even more appealing because it prolongs the tension (those books might not have pictures but they will describe a muscular guy's physique in almost humorously drawn-out detail.)

What's even more important to women is that they like to insert themselves into the narrative, which rom-com movies and romance books are all too adept at doing. And it can be a lot easier to do in a book, where you don't have an automatic visual reminder every time you see the characters (making it easier to envision yourself in the story instead, even if you look completely different from the main character.)

I could be wrong, but I think men are attracted to visual porn most for a specific sequence of events (and to be able to envision to those moments repeatedly,) whereas women want not only just the moments, but the entire "story" (lifestyle and process) that they are being sold as the book or movie builds it up.

Then we all meet someone in real life...

And wonder why nothing lives up to our expectations.

 

[G00WZ]

It depends, it could, porn comes in different genre and most men who watch porn aren't just watching straight vanilla sex. Nobody is on the porn sites searching for like missionary or basic sex, people want kinky, weird or deviant stuff they'd be too ashamed to ask for or to talk about.

I was watching a youtube video where this prostitute was talking about how she'd always have married men as clients and they would ask for the freaky stuff like bdsm. They would ask her for things that they wouldn't get out of their wives and she'd give it to them for a price of course. Most of it has to do with being open because as a rule peoples sexual appetites are a private matter even in a relationship. They should just lay out everything like "Im into this this and this" and lay all the cards out on the table. Some of them do though but the wife is like "yeah that's weird im not doing any of those things goodluck with that" and then the guy will either go watch porn or cheat it's often times just that simple.

 

[MsMediator]

As for the topic, I've been single all my life so I have no idea about any of this. I've never asked my friends and they have never volunteered the information.

I will be interested in the answers we get though.

These are issues married/partnered people generally don't disclose to friends or even relatives, until they are divorced/separated. It is like saying you have relationship issues without saying it. Children may aware of these issues if there is trouble/disharmony in the marriage.

 

[seoulsearch]

It depends, it could, porn comes in different genre and most men who watch porn aren't just watching straight vanilla sex. Nobody is on the porn sites searching for like missionary or basic sex, people want kinky, weird or deviant stuff they'd be too ashamed to ask for or to talk about.

I was watching a youtube video where this prostitute was talking about how she'd always have married men as clients and they would ask for the freaky stuff like bdsm. They would ask her for things that they wouldn't get out of their wives and she'd give it to them for a price of course. Most of it has to do with being open because as a rule peoples sexual appetites are a private matter even in a relationship. They should just lay out everything like "Im into this this and this" and lay all the cards out on the table. Some of them do though but the wife is like "yeah that's weird im not doing any of those things goodluck with that" and then the guy will either go watch porn or cheat it's often times just that simple.

Totally agree with you, @G00WZ.

I think one of the most dangerous things about porn is that it creates and anchors appetites in people's minds for things that they later cannot or should not fulfill. You can see why God told us that sex is for marriage -- it seems to bond you to whatever your desires learn to feed on, and He wanted those desires to be permanently connected to a spouse and the relationship they have together with God -- not images on a screen or descriptions in a book.

I don't have much experience with visual porn. Back when I was in my early 20's and at college, I went to a few people's houses for parties or get-togethers and sometimes people had a porn movie running in the background because they saw it as funny. I very quickly decided that was not for me and pretty much became a social hermit ever since! Because I find that for myself, my best defense is pretty much utter isolation -- which isn't healthy, but it's worked.

And I think you are 100% right. If people are watching/reading porn, just from that limited exposure, I grew quickly aware that people are not being exposed to what Christians might think of as "normal" sex.

The ironic thing is that I've seen guys/straight Christians absolutely preach at others about gay and alternative lifestyles, but then they go home and watch threesomes on their computers. They justify and excuse it by saying at least it's with two or more women and not other men. But porn specializes in crossing lines, so I would bet they're being exposed to the very things they're preaching against -- and by their own free will. "It's ok if I watch; as long as I don't actually try it, I'm not sinning." But Jesus said that lust in the heart carries the same condemnation of sin as the action carried out.

To me, this is the most troubling thing of all about the porn epidemic -- Christians believing they are doing the will of God by "confronting sin" -- IN OTHER PEOPLE -- but NEVER in themselves.