Merging Finances-- Wife Letting Husband Support Her

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presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,160
1,787
113
#1
I'll make a confession. I've seen some reality TV shows about marriage, where people get matched up in unusual ways, meet on the wedding day, etc. Something I have noticed on these shows is that some of the couples want to keep their finances separate. Some of them women want talk about wanting to have their own money. Some of the men talk about wanting to have an 'independent woman.' I wonder if they are thinking partly about finances when they say that.

It could be that the divorce rates for people who go on a reality show to find a spouse are so terrible, they think separating finances is less risky. But I wonder if this is just common for Gen-Y or Gen-Z folks who get married nowadays? My mom was a stay-at-home mom until we got into our teenage years. My wife was stay-at-home though we did run a small business that she did the lion's share of the work on during my graduate school years. We have run our household money out of a joint bank account. We have had non-joint accounts here and there when we had to start accounts fast after moving, and add the other one later. I think she had a joint account with her dad once to help him out with something. I have joint accounts with my kids that she isn't listed on. But generally, we have joint bank accounts and a 'common purse.'

After you get married, mom might home with the kids, someone might go to grad school. Merging finances makes sense.

When I hear these young couples on TV talk, it seems like they may not really want to commit all the way to marriage so much that it involves their finances.

My wife and I both have a desire to minister in the area of marriage and family. Watching these shows gives me insight into the way people think about these things. In general, I am a bit disappointed to see the lack of commitment to marriage, the idea that divorce is considered okay, and the overall thinking about marriage. One of the shows has a pastor who asks people if they want to get a divorce after so many weeks.

On the issue of finances, what do you think about married couples not wanting to merge finances? What do you think of someone who wants to marry... if you sign a prenup?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,425
2,416
113
#2
There are few circumstances where a couple shouldn't combine their lives (including finances) as much as possible. If you don't trust the other person enough to share finances, how are you going to trust them enough to share life? Also it isn't a terrible strategy to make divorcing as difficult as possible to help avoid doing so. If it's easy to do, you're more likely to exercise that option. If there's a bazillion well how do we split this up evenly questions then it just might be easier to stay together and make the marriage work.
 

JohnDB

Well-known member
Jan 16, 2021
6,187
2,504
113
#3
My wife and I combine finances. Been that way from the beginning. We have several accounts for security reasons but basically it's all together.

However....
One day I ordered my wife flowers as a surprise Valentines day present to be delivered at work.
Within 10 minutes of finalizing it she called me asking what that money I just spent was for.

So now I got a separate card/account we fill for me to buy presents with.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#4
seoulsearch has an excellent thread on the topic, if you can find it. I forget what the title is. seoulsearch, a little help here?
 

JohnDB

Well-known member
Jan 16, 2021
6,187
2,504
113
#5
@seoulsearch ,
Just tagging you because I think Lynx messed up the tagging....maybe not.
 

Karlon

Well-known member
Mar 8, 2023
2,539
1,140
113
#6
I'll make a confession. I've seen some reality TV shows about marriage, where people get matched up in unusual ways, meet on the wedding day, etc. Something I have noticed on these shows is that some of the couples want to keep their finances separate. Some of them women want talk about wanting to have their own money. Some of the men talk about wanting to have an 'independent woman.' I wonder if they are thinking partly about finances when they say that.

It could be that the divorce rates for people who go on a reality show to find a spouse are so terrible, they think separating finances is less risky. But I wonder if this is just common for Gen-Y or Gen-Z folks who get married nowadays? My mom was a stay-at-home mom until we got into our teenage years. My wife was stay-at-home though we did run a small business that she did the lion's share of the work on during my graduate school years. We have run our household money out of a joint bank account. We have had non-joint accounts here and there when we had to start accounts fast after moving, and add the other one later. I think she had a joint account with her dad once to help him out with something. I have joint accounts with my kids that she isn't listed on. But generally, we have joint bank accounts and a 'common purse.'

After you get married, mom might home with the kids, someone might go to grad school. Merging finances makes sense.

When I hear these young couples on TV talk, it seems like they may not really want to commit all the way to marriage so much that it involves their finances.

My wife and I both have a desire to minister in the area of marriage and family. Watching these shows gives me insight into the way people think about these things. In general, I am a bit disappointed to see the lack of commitment to marriage, the idea that divorce is considered okay, and the overall thinking about marriage. One of the shows has a pastor who asks people if they want to get a divorce after so many weeks.

On the issue of finances, what do you think about married couples not wanting to merge finances? What do you think of someone who wants to marry... if you sign a prenup?[/QUOTE for someone who wants to be married & keep finances separate that is a marriage of convenience saying, "i'll do what i want when i want. i'm free to go here & there. i'll be married to you when i feel like it". these people want to be single in a marriage! when a big argument brews the non merging married will have a reason to speed up divorce. it's conditioned in their brain, "the single way"! A PRENUP MARRIAGE IS NOT A MARRIAGE. God didn't teach it!! it's another personal convenience.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,378
113
#7
seoulsearch has an excellent thread on the topic, if you can find it. I forget what the title is. seoulsearch, a little help here?
@seoulsearch ,
Just tagging you because I think Lynx messed up the tagging....maybe not.
I honestly wouldn't know where to start.

I've been writing threads since 2009... At one point several years ago, a mod said I was up to 400.

I have no idea what the count is now - I'd guess it's close to 1,000, but I could be wrong - and I'm sure I've written more than one on this topic.

I honestly don't keep track of them at all once people stop adding to the discussion, so all I can suggest is the regular search box.
 

MsMediator

Well-known member
Mar 8, 2022
1,083
725
113
#8
Both people should be completely transparent on what they have, their salary, their debt obtained before they got married and during their marriage. A prenup is actually helpful in bringing transparency; a prenup can be invalid if a person undervalues assets or is being dishonest. I believe in a mixture of joint and individual accounts. Regardless of what prenups say, courts are typically strict on what is considered marital assets.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#9
I honestly wouldn't know where to start.

I've been writing threads since 2009... At one point several years ago, a mod said I was up to 400.

I have no idea what the count is now - I'd guess it's close to 1,000, but I could be wrong - and I'm sure I've written more than one on this topic.

I honestly don't keep track of them at all once people stop adding to the discussion, so all I can suggest is the regular search box.
Can you think of any key words though? I tried money, finances, separate, merging...
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,378
113
#11
Can you think of any key words though? I tried money, finances, separate, merging...
I have no idea.

The last thread I specifically remember writing about that topic was answered by the old 2015 crowd.

I specifically remember one woman who answered who was writing books 📚.

I can't remember all the details, but she planned on keeping the rights to her work, so that if she married and her husband left, he couldn't take anything having to do with her published works with him.

I haven't found the search box very accurate in the past... If there isn't something in my thread posting history on my profile, I'm out of ideas.

Though you might want to ask G00WZ how he found my original intro thread from 2009 and bumped it.

That one honestly had me bamboozled. 😂
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,378
113
#12
P.S. Years ago, there was another CCer who'd been here under a couple of names so I can't remember which one she was using at the time...

But she had a thread called something like Bringing Home the Bacon and it asked what happened if a wife earned more than her husband.

You might want to try looking for that one.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#13
I just wish I could search "all threads started by this person."

Ah well. We let this thread roll on.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#14
Here is how this thread usually goes:

Side A:
Definitely share all finances. If you can't trust them enough to share finances, how can you trust them enough to marry them?

Side B: You gotta protect yourself. I, or someone I know, was in a situation where the person lost everything because the person's spouse was terrible with money and/or left and took it all.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#15
I am tentatively on side A, but I've never so much as been on a date, so what do I know? I just can't imagine marrying someone I can't trust. But I've heard you can marry someone and THEN find out you can't trust the idjit.

seoulsearch is firmly on side B because she's been through the wringer multiple times.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#17
No, it's one specifically about husband and wife keeping separate financial accounts instead of pooling all money.

I found the one about combining debts over and over while I was searching for the one I wanted.

Thankee though.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,233
9,296
113
#18

Mem

Senior Member
Sep 23, 2014
7,148
2,167
113
#19
No, it's one specifically about husband and wife keeping separate financial accounts instead of pooling all money.

I found the one about combining debts over and over while I was searching for the one I wanted.

Thankee though.
How about this one?
share bank accounts...?
 

Mem

Senior Member
Sep 23, 2014
7,148
2,167
113
#20
I just wish I could search "all threads started by this person."
actually, you can if you use "advanced search" and just fill in the "posted by" field.