[Quote/] Angela I cannot read long posts it would be easier for me if you would maybe make more than post to confront me and again I tried to read the whole thing but it really hurts my eyes and again I will try to answer you as best as I can. I do however want to make it clear that I still respect you and hold you in very high regard even you think different of me.
The first thing I want to speak on is the self imprtanxe you have an issue with
I have never held back the fact that I have always struggled with self worth and low esteem and for the record I mentioned in my op I didnt consider myself to be special or chosen just willing. The title of a prophet means little to me I was never any one thing for him and I am however learning to stand in his authority and learning to stand with him in power authroity and the kingdom
And yes when God speaks through me I don't get to decide what is spoken I don't have control because I surrender control to him. Speaking prophetically is kind of like a river it has a flow to it and when you don't have things blocking it or in the way the river flows fluently
If I had any control or even a preconseption of what was spoken then it would just be my words not his but if your a clean slate and if the river has nothing blocking it this is how he is able to speak through us.
now as far as the church thing goes I am not sure what the point of speaking to a church is if you don't see an affect from it if your just speaking words and even just quoting scriptures but there is no life in it then all have is just another person speaking and teaching but not stirring the souls and hearts of others so would you rather that I did things normally and didn't allow his words to flow and imact these people? The results are what matter the fruits which are produced are what matters
Do I hear a pity party? Blain, get over your past! Many of us had bad years growing up. I was very abused physically and mentally by my parents. The first thing I did when God saved me was forgive them. My father & I reconciled before he died. I have reached out & prayed for my mom for 43 years, and yet she has not changed a bit in her attitude towards both me and my sister. (Her relationship with my brother is more complex!)
I am praying for her salvation, & even posted here, in prayer chains, and other Christian groups for her salvation! But, she is days from dying, and the last 2 times I have phoned her, she has refused to speak with me. Why? Because the nurse was there. In fact, the nurse was waiting for the phone. My mom has her own line, but she can no longer answer it, so we phone the nursing station who take her the phone. Her time is short, I pray only for her salvation. It is the only hope for reconciliation. She will not even talk to me as she is dying. That sums up my childhood, living with a narcissist mother.
I can't even begin to describe how I suffered, but I left home at 17 and lived in the streets while I finished high school. My life continued with more physical abuse from the man I lived with. After 7 years of this, I finally left him and went back to school. We had a home and land worth a lot of money, but I walked away from it all.
In my mid-30s, I developed severe asthma, which required daily trips to the ER. I couldn't be around even cooking smells, or I would have an asthma attack. My life was unbearable, nearly dying every day. Allergy shots were suggested, and I grabbed at the opportunity! And they worked! My asthma improved over the years I was in the shots!
Sadly, they did not know in the early 1990's, that allergy shots triggered the gene for Rheumatoid Arthritis, if a person had it. I did! I also had the childhood abuse as another contributing factor. Abuse has been shown trigger autoimmune issues like RA.
Ah! But you suffered from low self esteem, too! How do you think someone who grows up being physically abused by their parents develops emotionally, Blain? Not confident, although I pretended to be strong and confident, the low self esteem triggered depression. A good part of my teen years and early 20s were spent on the verge of suicide!
Only one thing changed all that! Only one thing healed me of damage from the physical and emotional abuse I received as a child! And that was God saving me!
It was so utterly amazing that God would save a wretch like me! I praise him daily, to this day! It's why I have so rarely brought up my physical issues, let alone the emotional ones. Because Jesus changed my life.
I did sink back once, into a deep pity party. My foot had just been reconstructed in 2009, and healed after 5 months. But, it still hurt, the second toe dropped, had nerve damage. The titanium screw worked it's way out of the bunion, which gave me terrible nerve pain for 9 years, till I finally had it removed. That screw was put in to hold the bunion resection together, but once calcified, it wasn't necessary.
Anyway, I was in the shower, looking at my ugly reconstructed foot, realizing the other foot also needed reconstruction surgery, to say nothing of the other deformities. I started to cry softly. Then, as my pity party got worse, the crying got louder, until I was screaming at the top of my lungs! My husband could still hear in those days, and he heard me. I had gone catatonic & could not move. He turned off the water, dragged me out of the shower, dried me off and dressed me for bed. It was then I heard God saying clearly, "No more pity parties!" And for the most part, I have not!
I won't get into how many med failures I have had, that have left me unable to get out of bed on my own even to go to the bathroom. My husband would have to lift me out of bed, put me in my wheelchair, take me to the bathroom, lift me out & put me on the toilet, then reverse. This happened when I was off meds for my reconstruction surgery. The pain and flares were so bad, I could not turn over, and the IV morphine never touched the RA pain. The really bad part? This is my fate, if my current biologic fails. I have been on every single medicine to treat Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have none left. Most RA meds last about 5 years, but my prayer is for 10 years, on my current med or take me home to Jesus!
But, even worse is that my suffering is nothing compared to my cousin, who got JRA at 1 1/2 years old. There were no miracle drugs in her day. But, about a year after she was diagnosed, prednisone came out. She was given it, as her disease was severe. But, it was never tested on children, and it dwarfed her. She never grew taller than a 5 year old. It also gave her bad osteoporosis, her bones were like lace, so they couldn't even do joint replacements anymore, there was nothing left to anchor the replacements. The prednisone also dissolved 2 bones in her neck! (It's called bone necrosis, or bone death.) They had to put a metal plate in the back of her head, or her head would have fallen off. She spent 5 months with this "halo" with spikes stuck into her head, which were constantly infected. She couldn't feed herself, and the family took turns feeding her!
How did she deal with her terrible pain & deformities? She got an English degree, then went on to get a Master's in Library Science. She started her PhD in library science, when she had to wear the halo, and that was the end of that. By then, she could only use her hands as pinchers, they were so deformed! She remained cheerful through it all. She had very wonderful parents, and I used them for my role models! Her RA got worse, she ended up in hospital & died 2 years ago, after 67 years with JRA, then adult onset RA.
I've barely scratched the surface of living with disabilities, and you are simply not the only one who had a rotten childhood or physical disabilities. You've talked about it before, but it seems like you are using them now to invoke pity. And worse, to justify your status as "prophet of God!" Yes, you said the opposite. You are just a humble person with low self esteem! But that is not what the reader sees!
And you are justifying that you don't need to read the Bible! Well, if you eyes are as bad as you say they are, listen to the Bible. There are many free programs online to listen to the Bible. I'm through here, I've said too much as it is![/QUOTE]Ok I am going to have to stop you here. I was not having a pity party and wasn't trying to gain pity I said what I did because you mentioned I had a self imprtance I have had more than my fair share of pain suffering just like you from the moment I was born into this world all I have known is abuse phydicslly mentally emoitonall and when I was finally taken from my parents they said it was one of the worst cases of abuse in Texas I was never mad at my abusers but the AMAGE THEY DID TO ME PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY WERE VERY SEVERE THEN MY 12TH BIRTHDAY GIFT WAS GOOD OLD LADY CANCER