The thing is, when I was growing up, in the church I was raised in, it was relentlessly stressed how good /holy a life we must live. And many stated ‘’You must obey the ten commandments’’ And whenever these things were mentioned, my thoughts turned to the inner me. I knew I was far from perfect on the inside. I had just reached puberty after all. And I wasn’t a fool, sin is sin, whether it is committed on the inside, where no one but you and God need know of it, or on the outside where everyone can see it. And it was relentlessly stated sin must stop if we want to be in a saved state. I tell you the truth, no word of a lie, I feared those impure thoughts when they came, I did not want to end up in hell. And the more I feared them the worse they got. I was breaking the ten commandments. In the end, to use a greek expression I became full of all manner of concupiscence. I had felt alive before I made a personal commitment to Christ, a normal healthy kid, but not afterwards. For then sin revived(or sin consciousness sprang to life) and I died/felt condemned. The commandments that I believed were ordained to life-if I obeyed them, instead brought death/condemnation, for I could not keep them. I knew the law was holy, just and good, but sin worked death in me through the law/ten commandments, and by the law sin made me exceeding sinfull. Basically, I tried to attain to heaven as Saul the Pharisee tried to attain to heaven, so I got the same result he got:
I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
8 But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.
9 For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.
10 And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death.
11 For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me.
12 Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good.
13 Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful. Rom7:7-13