Nothing left but anger

[Cameron143]

The last thing I would want to do is add to your pain but the fulfillment you seek is not going to be found in human relationships, successful endeavor, or any other earthly pursuit. Psalm 23:1...the Lord is my Shepherd: I shall not want...
We were not created to live apart from God but in fellowship and communion with Him. Even before sin God came each day to walk with Adam and Eve.
Have you ever considered that your dissatisfaction is a gift of God and an attempt on His part to make Himself more fully known to you?
Most people's understanding of God is woefully inaccurate and and incomplete. Who really is God? What is He really doing? How is He doing it? Why does He do things as He does?
As you seek and find these answers, you will develop a greater appreciation for God and the beginnings of satisfaction for the deepest longings of your heart.
I was helped immeasurably by studying the books of Habakkuk and Job.
I'll be praying for you.

 

[Gojira]

Let me start off by saying I am a Bible-believing Christian. I got saved ten years ago. I acknowledge that I’m a very blessed person, at least materially. I have money, a house, the basic necessities. I was raised in a loving Christian family and have never been abused. I’ve always been a good girl. But at 27 years old, I have no friends, no job, and I’ve never dated.

This may be partly because I have Asperger’s syndrome. But lately, I’ve realized something important. Something very depressing: I have no control over anything in my life. That’s why I’ve stopped trying to make friends, find a job, or do anything beyond restocking my food supply. None of my many attempts in the past have worked, so why should I keep trying? As for skills, I like creative writing. But I know that won’t earn me a living.

It’s been like this for a few years now. Time is moving too fast for me to keep up with it. I live with my parents but they aren’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to burden my brother or sister. Other than them though, I have pretty much no one and nothing to fall back on. Then again, I’ve always had this sense of loneliness throughout my life, knowing I’m different from everyone else.

Most of the time I just stay in my room, drawing, writing. In my room I can retreat to my fantasy worlds, far away from any outside forces that would just steal it all from me. I know, not exactly healthy, but it’s better than drinking or doing drugs, or porn.

Yes, I’m sick of being taken from. But again, I can do nothing.

I’m sad to say, but not even my faith has helped out with any of this. I wish I could say I’m confident in God, but nothing could be further from the truth. God is not another human being. He’s not going to speak to me audibly, he’s not gonna hug me when I need it, he’s not going to do anything that’s useful or helpful in the real world. Pretty much the only reason I’m still a Christian is for the hellfire insurance. Beyond that, I pretty much don’t trust him for anything. I know he loves me and all that, but I need more than base sentimentality.

Being a Christian doesn’t make you happier, it doesn’t make you more moral, it doesn’t remove your problems (in fact, it creates more). Like I said, the only thing it’s good for is the hellfire insurance. I know that sounds bad but at least I’m being honest.

I’m tired of knocking on God’s door and having it slammed in my face. The fact is I live in a cold, uncaring universe, I’m subject to its whims, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to undercut the current of constant and inevitable change. When all is said and done, I will be utterly alone, with no one and nothing familiar.

All I really have left now is my anger at all this. Yeah it devours your soul but at the moment anger is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

I understand. Totally. However, I never left the faith. I never told God to get away from me. You haven't either. And, that's what we need to do: stick it out, because, as Peter said, to whom shall we go?

I will say that for about 10+ years, I've maintained a consistent devotional time (that's entirely God's doing). Seek Him daily, regardless of your circumstances, of the results. You will, over time, start to see changes in yourself. And, I am currently in a period of blessing from God. No, I don't have everything I want, but a lot of prayers appear to be being answered (there are a few significant ones that still have not, though), I have a good job (far from perfect, but it pays well and is in my field), and I own a little mobile home, whereas 4 years ago, I was homeless, and one year ago, I was in a terrible apartment.

I've gone from yelling at God in horrible ways in profound frustration to not yelling at Him, and to being more humble towards Him. I still get frustrated, I still judge Him, I still want my way over His. But, I have softened. Again, that's His doing.

There is still much I lack, both spiritually and temporally, but I am in a better place. It took many years, but spiritually things have improved. I just lack human companionship here in AZ. So, stick it out, keep pushing forward. Don't listen to the enemy's antagonism in your ear. Keep moving forward.

 

[justahumanbeing]

I read the first message and a little from the thread.

You're reaching out because you feel no one understands your situation? You're not alone.

I'm in my mid thirties. Never been in a relationship. I've gone after friendships and tried to maintain them and about half my friends just left me for something which I didn't do. They were not genuine enough. Friends will be around when you're well. Not when you have problems. Well, not all friends. A good number of people are like that.

Take it from a guy who has been around people. Friends will rate you and drag you down if you let them.

This world is like that.

I have a suggestion for you. I don't expect you to do it. You're an angry young woman. Have you ever tried martial arts? I would recommend Brazilian Jiujitsu for you. You wouldn't believe the amount of like minded people you would meet on the mats. You can find some meaning and purpose for your anger and meet new people. No, you don't have to be physically fit to start. Neither do you need to be strong. It's up to you. Or if you're not all that violent, you could try Tai Chi Chuan. It's meditation in movement. Just find a good gym with a good reputable instructor with a good track record. Someone legitimate. This could change your life.

Other than being a martial artist, I'm a loner. No wife. No girlfriend. Nothing. Although I am ambitious. I'm very introverted myself. And you would hardly find me on the phone in conversation for hours with any friend. Because I don't have anyone like that.

For me, God is there in my silence. God is silence. He is calm. He encourages me to be calm. Especially when things seem hopeless and lost. I wake up feeling better the next day than the day before when I felt everything is hopeless.

You're looking at God like He can't help your situation.

Well I say, challenge God. He will give you what you want.

When God promises Abraham and Sarah a Child, Sarah laughed. To which God replied, "Is anything too wonderful for me?" Then Sarah believed with fear saying, "I did not laugh" to which God replies, "oh yes. You did laugh"

 

[lonelysummer]

I completely agree.

And, as such, others also have the responsibility to be sensitive to those who are trying to help as well.

One of the things I struggle with is people trying to say I have such and such advantage because I have this and don't have that, and then being spiteful and dismissive because of it.

I may not have Asperger's but every person has their own pains, struggles, and things that hold them back. I know I sure do.

I understand that we all have our moments and lash out. But one thing I have learned is that there needs to be mutual respect and at the very least, acknowledgement that some people have put a lot of effort into trying and not just idly stood by.

@lonelysummer, I have been reading your posts and I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like, or leave a message on my profile wall and I will PM you.

God bless.

Thank you.
BTW, yours is a very Christian response.

 

[lonelysummer]

I read the first message and a little from the thread.

You're reaching out because you feel no one understands your situation? You're not alone.

I'm in my mid thirties. Never been in a relationship. I've gone after friendships and tried to maintain them and about half my friends just left me for something which I didn't do. They were not genuine enough. Friends will be around when you're well. Not when you have problems. Well, not all friends. A good number of people are like that.

Take it from a guy who has been around people. Friends will rate you and drag you down if you let them.

This world is like that.

I have a suggestion for you. I don't expect you to do it. You're an angry young woman. Have you ever tried martial arts? I would recommend Brazilian Jiujitsu for you. You wouldn't believe the amount of like minded people you would meet on the mats. You can find some meaning and purpose for your anger and meet new people. No, you don't have to be physically fit to start. Neither do you need to be strong. It's up to you. Or if you're not all that violent, you could try Tai Chi Chuan. It's meditation in movement. Just find a good gym with a good reputable instructor with a good track record. Someone legitimate. This could change your life.

Other than being a martial artist, I'm a loner. No wife. No girlfriend. Nothing. Although I am ambitious. I'm very introverted myself. And you would hardly find me on the phone in conversation for hours with any friend. Because I don't have anyone like that.

For me, God is there in my silence. God is silence. He is calm. He encourages me to be calm. Especially when things seem hopeless and lost. I wake up feeling better the next day than the day before when I felt everything is hopeless.

You're looking at God like He can't help your situation.

Well I say, challenge God. He will give you what you want.

When God promises Abraham and Sarah a Child, Sarah laughed. To which God replied, "Is anything too wonderful for me?" Then Sarah believed with fear saying, "I did not laugh" to which God replies, "oh yes. You did laugh"

I like this response, too, except for the last part. I have given up on God finding me "the one".
Or maybe God did find "the one" for me - a small, short, furry being to spend my life with. That's where I'm at today - just trying to be content with what I have. Trying to be a good daddy to my kitty.

 

[justahumanbeing]

I like this response, too, except for the last part. I have given up on God finding me "the one".
Or maybe God did find "the one" for me - a small, short, furry being to spend my life with. That's where I'm at today - just trying to be content with what I have. Trying to be a good daddy to my kitty.

That's good for you. I'm thinking of getting a dog myself. But that's responsibility too. Maybe I will someday.

 

[notonmywatch]

God is not another human being. He’s not going to speak to me audibly, he’s not gonna hug me when I need it, he’s not going to do anything that’s useful or helpful in the real world.

Although they're rare, there are some genuine Christian men in this world who could easily love you.

 

[Adstar]

Problem is I'm not a saint. I'm just a normal person. If anything, I'm probably too weak.

If you believe Jesus and trust in the Atonement He secured on the cross then you are a Saint... People are not Saints because they are good.. Only God is Good.. People are Saints because they are forgiven..

 

[lonelysummer]

Although they're rare, there are some genuine Christian men in this world who could easily love you.

That's like when people tell ME that "you will find the right girl someday". I know you mean well, but I think I have an idea of how your words sound to HistoryPrincess. Her pain is real, and it's not something that can be wished away with "the magic words". I hope I'm not being harsh; my friends' mom recently told me "you are one of God's unclaimed jewels". That was very kind of her to say, but it doesn't change anything. I have no idea how people find each other in today's world. And it's not like I hide away in my room day after day. Actually, I'm a fairly visible person in terms of presence in my community; yet here I am alone.
Here I go again, making this all about me. Sorry for disrupting your thread, HistoryPrincess.

 

[justahumanbeing]

That's like when people tell ME that "you will find the right girl someday". I know you mean well, but I think I have an idea of how your words sound to HistoryPrincess. Her pain is real, and it's not something that can be wished away with "the magic words". I hope I'm not being harsh; my friends' mom recently told me "you are one of God's unclaimed jewels". That was very kind of her to say, but it doesn't change anything. I have no idea how people find each other in today's world. And it's not like I hide away in my room day after day. Actually, I'm a fairly visible person in terms of presence in my community; yet here I am alone.
Here I go again, making this all about me. Sorry for disrupting your thread, HistoryPrincess.

Well it is hard for me because I want a woman to love me for being me and not for what I have. Unfortunately, every woman I have met so far and made attempts romantically didn't give me that impression.

Growing up, I thought people loved each other without materialism and I also would find someone. I do come close sometimes, but it's not meant to be. It's a painful realization to understand that we could grow old and die without love or companionship. But not if God can help it. If it is His will, He can and will give what we ask. But if not, at least I Thank God for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am both in a marriage and even alone.

 

[notonmywatch]

That's like when people tell ME that "you will find the right girl someday". I know you mean well, but I think I have an idea of how your words sound to HistoryPrincess. Her pain is real, and it's not something that can be wished away with "the magic words". I hope I'm not being harsh; my friends' mom recently told me "you are one of God's unclaimed jewels". That was very kind of her to say, but it doesn't change anything. I have no idea how people find each other in today's world. And it's not like I hide away in my room day after day. Actually, I'm a fairly visible person in terms of presence in my community; yet here I am alone.
Here I go again, making this all about me. Sorry for disrupting your thread, HistoryPrincess.

I never meant to insinuate that her pain isn't real. When I read her post, as someone who was encountering her for the first time, I saw a lot of attractive qualities in her. For one thing, she's obviously articulate. She also spoke about other things which portray her as being creative in nature, and that is attractive as well. I also sensed her hurt and felt compassion for her. My point is that if I can see and feel such things for her as an outside observer on an online forum, then I believe that a godly man could easily see and feel such things if he were to meet her in person. Just trying to honestly encourage her. That's all.

 

[lonelysummer]

Well it is hard for me because I want a woman to love me for being me and not for what I have. Unfortunately, every woman I have met so far and made attempts romantically didn't give me that impression.

Growing up, I thought people loved each other without materialism and I also would find someone. I do come close sometimes, but it's not meant to be. It's a painful realization to understand that we could grow old and die without love or companionship. But not if God can help it. If it is His will, He can and will give what we ask. But if not, at least I Thank God for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am both in a marriage and even alone.

I agree with you 100%. I think of a gospel song called "There's Someone Worse Off Than I Am", and I have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I've had similar experiences. My last girlfriend was a devout Christian, but she didn't want to work. She wanted to be with someone who had a job that paid enough for two people (or two people plus children) to live off of so she could just stay at home and watch tv all day. She wanted a guy with money. She was also heavily into conspiracy theories, which I found interesting at stuff, but that was kind of a hole that ended up swallowing her. She ended up isolating herself more and more, just staying at home, locked up in her bedroom. She stopped coming to church, stopped answering her phone, I sent her text messages but she didn't respond. I feel very sad for her. I miss her terribly, but she won't let anyone help her, she's afraid of the world outside, afraid she's gonna get the mark of the beast stamped on her, thinks the covid vaccines are gonna install tracking devices in her or something.
All I can do is pray for her, and encourage others that know her to pray for her.

 

[lonelysummer]

I never meant to insinuate that her pain isn't real. When I read her post, as someone who was encountering her for the first time, I saw a lot of attractive qualities in her. For one thing, she's obviously articulate. She also spoke about other things which portray her as being creative in nature, and that is attractive as well. I also sensed her hurt and felt compassion for her. My point is that if I can see and feel such things for her as an outside observer on an online forum, then I believe that a godly man could easily see and feel such things if he were to meet her in person. Just trying to honestly encourage her. That's all.

Yes, I feel the same way. She seems like a person I would enjoy being able to sit down and have a long conversation with.

I don't know what happens to some of us. While everyone is out there looking for money and fame and all that temporary stuff, some very good people get passed by.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

That's like when people tell ME that "you will find the right girl someday". I know you mean well, but I think I have an idea of how your words sound to HistoryPrincess. Her pain is real, and it's not something that can be wished away with "the magic words". I hope I'm not being harsh; my friends' mom recently told me "you are one of God's unclaimed jewels". That was very kind of her to say, but it doesn't change anything. I have no idea how people find each other in today's world. And it's not like I hide away in my room day after day. Actually, I'm a fairly visible person in terms of presence in my community; yet here I am alone.
Here I go again, making this all about me. Sorry for disrupting your thread, HistoryPrincess.

It's an old thread anyway. And I've more or less gotten over my romantic phase too. I don't have any friends (or at least none offline) outside my family, and after a decade of trying and failing to maintain any such friendships 'cause…you know…that pesky thing called "life" got in the way, I hardly ever go out anymore and haven't set foot in a church other than Christmas and Easter. Churches and married people couldn't care less about single people without kids. Besides, I'm the last girlfriend a Christian guy could want. Absolutely zero dating experience, not a beauty model (I have short hair, I don't wear makeup and couldn't care less about fashion), no inclination whatsoever toward being a mom, and way behind on bible-reading, prayer, and Christian disciplines in general.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

And honestly, I'm used to be alone by now. Given I've never been so much as asked out even once in my life, I legit wonder if I'm even capable of maintaining that kind of relationship. Not to mention the emotional risk involved. One dear relative of mine was distraught when his girlfriend left him shortly before he intended to propose to her. He's fortunately since moved on for the better, but I don't know if that would be the case if that were me. I also in turn don't want to give a guy any false promises or end up letting him down in some way. And besides, I'm used to people outside my family coming and going. There's no guarantee the cycle will break.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

I agree with you 100%. I think of a gospel song called "There's Someone Worse Off Than I Am", and I have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I've had similar experiences. My last girlfriend was a devout Christian, but she didn't want to work. She wanted to be with someone who had a job that paid enough for two people (or two people plus children) to live off of so she could just stay at home and watch tv all day. She wanted a guy with money. She was also heavily into conspiracy theories, which I found interesting at stuff, but that was kind of a hole that ended up swallowing her. She ended up isolating herself more and more, just staying at home, locked up in her bedroom. She stopped coming to church, stopped answering her phone, I sent her text messages but she didn't respond. I feel very sad for her. I miss her terribly, but she won't let anyone help her, she's afraid of the world outside, afraid she's gonna get the mark of the beast stamped on her, thinks the covid vaccines are gonna install tracking devices in her or something.
All I can do is pray for her, and encourage others that know her to pray for her.

Well, I can at least promise I'm not into conspiracy theories. Nor do I just laze around. Unless I'm physically unwell, I'm doing pretty much whatever my creative mind drives me to do, whether that be drawing or writing.

As for the other things, I'm not proud of it – though at least I'm honest – but I haven't held a job in six years. I pay monthly bills to my parents whom I still live with (I love them and it's familiar), I do my own laundry and dishes and all that stuff. But – super-entitled though this might sound – as hard as I worked at all three of the jobs I held, none of them clicked. And though I have attended community college, algebra was my bane and I failed it three times – so yeah, no fancy degree.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

One more thing I forgot to mention is that I like to be clear about my intentions in regards to relationships. Romance, I'm not currently looking for. Friendship on the other hand I can try to make work.

 

[justahumanbeing]

I agree with you 100%. I think of a gospel song called "There's Someone Worse Off Than I Am", and I have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I've had similar experiences. My last girlfriend was a devout Christian, but she didn't want to work. She wanted to be with someone who had a job that paid enough for two people (or two people plus children) to live off of so she could just stay at home and watch tv all day. She wanted a guy with money. She was also heavily into conspiracy theories, which I found interesting at stuff, but that was kind of a hole that ended up swallowing her. She ended up isolating herself more and more, just staying at home, locked up in her bedroom. She stopped coming to church, stopped answering her phone, I sent her text messages but she didn't respond. I feel very sad for her. I miss her terribly, but she won't let anyone help her, she's afraid of the world outside, afraid she's gonna get the mark of the beast stamped on her, thinks the covid vaccines are gonna install tracking devices in her or something.
All I can do is pray for her, and encourage others that know her to pray for her.

Your girlfriend has a lot of characteristics my mother has. I hope she's not middle aged like in her 50s. Even if younger, some people just withdraw into their shell. My mother's middle aged and very similar. Full of conspiracy theories. Too much religion. She was a Church goer. Now she just stays home. Same thing. It's also the times we live in. These are hard times. Covid wasn't easy on anyone. I'm not looking for marriage anymore. Don't know how to feel about a relationship either. I've got priorities in my life though. Things to do. Goals to achieve. That's enough for me for now.

 

[justahumanbeing]

It's an old thread anyway. And I've more or less gotten over my romantic phase too. I don't have any friends (or at least none offline) outside my family, and after a decade of trying and failing to maintain any such friendships 'cause…you know…that pesky thing called "life" got in the way, I hardly ever go out anymore and haven't set foot in a church other than Christmas and Easter. Churches and married people couldn't care less about single people without kids. Besides, I'm the last girlfriend a Christian guy could want. Absolutely zero dating experience, not a beauty model (I have short hair, I don't wear makeup and couldn't care less about fashion), no inclination whatsoever toward being a mom, and way behind on bible-reading, prayer, and Christian disciplines in general.

I read all your threads you wrote today. I just want to say that like you I held 3 corporate jobs. I didn't suck at work. I was good. But it was taking it's toll on my health. It was a night shift that goes all night late into the morning. I felt drained. I'm a martial artist and health was always a priority then. It still is today. So I quit that last job and started martial arts full time.

You are making assessments of yourself to yourself and forgive me for saying so, they're not positive.

Not everyone out there look to marry a girl to procreate with her. Not everyone will like you for how you look. Women can look beautiful and be complete a you know what as much as any man can be. People don't want to live life alone that's all.

Never say that of yourself. If you are a woman, you will be beautiful. Don't ever look down on yourself. Being humble is one thing. But saying you're not pretty, don't do that. And don't let anyone treat you like that either. Because people will know how you feel of yourself. The right people will be good to you no matter what. Don't let those people go.

Also, I'm not saying if or when or anything. I just want to say attempting love and relationships are the same as war. If you want that, you have to be willing to trust people. And sadly, people let you down and it hurts. It's happened to me time and time again. I just thank God I'm still alive and I move forward. I'm saying all this so that you can take something good from it. You have a nice day. God bless.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

I read all your threads you wrote today. I just want to say that like you I held 3 corporate jobs. I didn't suck at work. I was good. But it was taking it's toll on my health. It was a night shift that goes all night late into the morning. I felt drained. I'm a martial artist and health was always a priority then. It still is today. So I quit that last job and started martial arts full time.

You are making assessments of yourself to yourself and forgive me for saying so, they're not positive.

Not everyone out there look to marry a girl to procreate with her. Not everyone will like you for how you look. Women can look beautiful and be complete a you know what as much as any man can be. People don't want to live life alone that's all.

Never say that of yourself. If you are a woman, you will be beautiful. Don't ever look down on yourself. Being humble is one thing. But saying you're not pretty, don't do that. And don't let anyone treat you like that either. Because people will know how you feel of yourself. The right people will be good to you no matter what. Don't let those people go.

Also, I'm not saying if or when or anything. I just want to say attempting love and relationships are the same as war. If you want that, you have to be willing to trust people. And sadly, people let you down and it hurts. It's happened to me time and time again. I just thank God I'm still alive and I move forward. I'm saying all this so that you can take something good from it. You have a nice day. God bless.

Thanks. And it's not like I'm saying I wasn't pretty. Just a plain Jane. And it's just something I've observed like Christian guys tend to like girls who are interested in being moms. Plus, I have put myself out there, a lot. And more often than not, I simply blend into the background 'cause I am very much an introvert and with that tends to come social anxiety. The more I tried, the less motivated I got. I tried an experiment one time where I went to a small party at this one small group leader's apartment. I said nothing and sat alone (again, let me reiterate, I was experimenting). After 30 minutes of literally no one coming up and talking to me, I left in tears and learned an important lesson. People may say they want others to be themselves, but they don't really mean it. People like images, not actual personalities.