It all started in January 2015 after coming from an abusive relationship in December 2014; I decided that I am quitting alcohol, after a month or so I started developing immense fear (started as a minor fear that the ex-girlfriend might want to force herself through into my house), then I started having dark intrusive thoughts ,I then kept on telling myself (without saying it) that “I am going to kill myself” and this was for increasing fear it was not with intent to do it, I then started imagining what if I do this and that and those things being very scary and then I will be very tense, I researched and found that there is what they call PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) from alcohol and that it can be the reason, well I am not sure if it really was the reason or it was the devil seeing that I might be gone from him so he wanted me back, even though I wasn’t born again. I went back to alcohol after 8 months of attending Psychologists and nothing working.
I continued being a heavy alcohol drinker, and then I had a seizure in 2018, it was due to Hypoglycaemia, which is a severe drop in blood glucose, It is also called insulin shock or insulin reaction caused by heavy drinking and not eating, the seizure is called hypoglycaemic episode, I felt numb and my jaws clenched, I was driving and parked on the roadside but I saw someone I know there and called him and he rushed me to a hospital where I was put on a drip. This was in October, from there I stopped drinking for two months, Then I started again, and then on 31st December and 1st January I drank heavily again, on 2nd January 2020 again the seizure wanted to start and I went back home.
From there I decided to quit alcohol completely, I suffered a lot from there, I fell into trauma of those episodes, which triggered anxiety and panicking because I was thinking it will happen again when I am around people, and it caused me to want to be alone all the time, I couldn't eat. I thought I was running mad as I had intrusive evil, dark thoughts. I was so skinny. Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Anxiety, Depression, Panicking all at once. I started going to church, once had a panic attack in church ,I gave my life to Christ but it continued and I was depressed, sometimes I felt I am only in Christ because I am trying to make myself forget the whole thing and trying to run away from it, because even if I don't have the anxiety and feel healed I kept on feeling the anxiety will come back ,and then yes it kept on coming back, I used to be on psychotherapy sessions, I was even on a psychiatric pill for over a year which we ended up stopping when time elapsed, but it had no effect at all. Sometimes when I hear that someone has killed myself, I am creeped by fear thinking what if I am going to do that because of this anxiety and when I see a mentally ill person, I have the fear of what if this anxiety drives me there.
I felt I am reading the bible and praying for the sole reason that I am only trying to avoid the anxiety from coming back, even now I sometimes feel like that which sometimes sort of makes me lose faith in God’s healing and intervention. Through the months anxiety keeps on shedding away slowly though, but occasionally It happens whereby, I just panic and become stiff when I am in the middle of people thinking it will come back, thinking I will run mad, or my jaws will clench. And when I have a trip to somewhere or something very good is coming my way like having to meet the right people, I will just have this anxiety prior or on the day, also sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be a married man or be on a higher professional position because what if I am in but still suffering inside and having a no way out, it’s just a whole lot. I can’t even travel anywhere that’s far. Sometimes I have doubts if the Lord will completely deliver me from the anxiety. I have been praying with my reverend, but this thing isn't going away completely, and I lose faith as I start questioning if I really believe. The months I won't be having it (anxiety) I will still be having it at the back of my mind that it's going to come back, also I won't be trying hard not to sin thinking it will come back because of sinning which bring me guilt, condemnation, and heaviness.
The anxiety will be being afraid of insanity, death, suicide etc, you know whereby it's fear of things you fear and imagining yourself doing them, I sometimes have images of me mad and shouting at the top of my voice. It’s not nice at all. Sometimes I ask myself if God isn't going to help me then who will and how is it going to end, that’s when I fear the worst, I fear being hopeless. I dread the embarrassment of me being mad and people talking about me, I don't want to also see myself living with this anxiety as "condition that I have". Or maybe I have tapped into the part of a mind where there is no way out?
Also, I am a child of rejection and abandonment. At 17 years old our mother threw us out (me and my siblings) after meeting our stepfather, so from there I grew up knowing I have no one I can run to should life be difficult, I worked very hard that now I am an MBA graduate, a team leader, and a businessman and partly I have this thing also of being afraid to lose evrything. It’s only last year after 23 years that I/we decided to forgive her, and we went to her to try to build a road to reconciliation, unity, and forgiveness. Before going to her we called her first on the phone, after that I cried for 45 minutes straight. So even after we tried to do the right thing, from there she tried to divide us, of which she partly succeeded so we’re not close as siblings now as I speak, she is unrepentant about everything and wouldn’t want to do the right thing. I decided to just block her on my phone as I wouldn’t take her divisive tactics anymore. So, I realize that anger towards her is coming back, and I also feel guilty and blame myself.
As I speak, the fear of insanity, death, suicide etc and imagining myself going through them and being more fearful is what I am going through. I pray and pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and deep deep down something tells me I am going to come out of this. It’s been 8 years.
How can I have this problem ultimately gone? is it spiritual or medical? be also in prayer with me..
I continued being a heavy alcohol drinker, and then I had a seizure in 2018, it was due to Hypoglycaemia, which is a severe drop in blood glucose, It is also called insulin shock or insulin reaction caused by heavy drinking and not eating, the seizure is called hypoglycaemic episode, I felt numb and my jaws clenched, I was driving and parked on the roadside but I saw someone I know there and called him and he rushed me to a hospital where I was put on a drip. This was in October, from there I stopped drinking for two months, Then I started again, and then on 31st December and 1st January I drank heavily again, on 2nd January 2020 again the seizure wanted to start and I went back home.
From there I decided to quit alcohol completely, I suffered a lot from there, I fell into trauma of those episodes, which triggered anxiety and panicking because I was thinking it will happen again when I am around people, and it caused me to want to be alone all the time, I couldn't eat. I thought I was running mad as I had intrusive evil, dark thoughts. I was so skinny. Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Anxiety, Depression, Panicking all at once. I started going to church, once had a panic attack in church ,I gave my life to Christ but it continued and I was depressed, sometimes I felt I am only in Christ because I am trying to make myself forget the whole thing and trying to run away from it, because even if I don't have the anxiety and feel healed I kept on feeling the anxiety will come back ,and then yes it kept on coming back, I used to be on psychotherapy sessions, I was even on a psychiatric pill for over a year which we ended up stopping when time elapsed, but it had no effect at all. Sometimes when I hear that someone has killed myself, I am creeped by fear thinking what if I am going to do that because of this anxiety and when I see a mentally ill person, I have the fear of what if this anxiety drives me there.
I felt I am reading the bible and praying for the sole reason that I am only trying to avoid the anxiety from coming back, even now I sometimes feel like that which sometimes sort of makes me lose faith in God’s healing and intervention. Through the months anxiety keeps on shedding away slowly though, but occasionally It happens whereby, I just panic and become stiff when I am in the middle of people thinking it will come back, thinking I will run mad, or my jaws will clench. And when I have a trip to somewhere or something very good is coming my way like having to meet the right people, I will just have this anxiety prior or on the day, also sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be a married man or be on a higher professional position because what if I am in but still suffering inside and having a no way out, it’s just a whole lot. I can’t even travel anywhere that’s far. Sometimes I have doubts if the Lord will completely deliver me from the anxiety. I have been praying with my reverend, but this thing isn't going away completely, and I lose faith as I start questioning if I really believe. The months I won't be having it (anxiety) I will still be having it at the back of my mind that it's going to come back, also I won't be trying hard not to sin thinking it will come back because of sinning which bring me guilt, condemnation, and heaviness.
The anxiety will be being afraid of insanity, death, suicide etc, you know whereby it's fear of things you fear and imagining yourself doing them, I sometimes have images of me mad and shouting at the top of my voice. It’s not nice at all. Sometimes I ask myself if God isn't going to help me then who will and how is it going to end, that’s when I fear the worst, I fear being hopeless. I dread the embarrassment of me being mad and people talking about me, I don't want to also see myself living with this anxiety as "condition that I have". Or maybe I have tapped into the part of a mind where there is no way out?
Also, I am a child of rejection and abandonment. At 17 years old our mother threw us out (me and my siblings) after meeting our stepfather, so from there I grew up knowing I have no one I can run to should life be difficult, I worked very hard that now I am an MBA graduate, a team leader, and a businessman and partly I have this thing also of being afraid to lose evrything. It’s only last year after 23 years that I/we decided to forgive her, and we went to her to try to build a road to reconciliation, unity, and forgiveness. Before going to her we called her first on the phone, after that I cried for 45 minutes straight. So even after we tried to do the right thing, from there she tried to divide us, of which she partly succeeded so we’re not close as siblings now as I speak, she is unrepentant about everything and wouldn’t want to do the right thing. I decided to just block her on my phone as I wouldn’t take her divisive tactics anymore. So, I realize that anger towards her is coming back, and I also feel guilty and blame myself.
As I speak, the fear of insanity, death, suicide etc and imagining myself going through them and being more fearful is what I am going through. I pray and pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and deep deep down something tells me I am going to come out of this. It’s been 8 years.
How can I have this problem ultimately gone? is it spiritual or medical? be also in prayer with me..
-
4
- Show all
)
