Ephesians 4:23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. 25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil.
This entry is difficult to start as I wonder about where it is going. Don't think I slept even 1 hour this morning and agai.n my thoughts were about childhood. It does seem that my childhood thoughts would be dragged behind me and in a sense drag me down. Which after reading the 18th verse of Isaiah 5:18 Woe unto them that draw iniquity with cords of vanity, and sin as it were with a cart rope: 19 That say, Let him make speed, and hasten his work, that we may see it: and let the counsel of the Holy One of Israel draw nigh and come, that we may know it!))) seems to apply in my understanding though I hope to be wrong in so doing. But that is only a part of what is a seemingly troublesome understanding of scripture. When I also think of the commandment dealing with parents it is difficult to reconcile verse 25 of Ephesians 4 and Isaiah 5:18. I am possibly being influenced by THE DECEIVER to bring these verses together and feel that I am offensive to God. Years ago, in the 70's, when I wasn't aware of the verses in Isaiah and Ephesians I was only troubled by the commandment about parents. Now I am hoping I am unnecessarily complicating matters. I will start at some random event and see where it leads. I don't recall where my mother and I were headed. I was driving my stepfathers' clunker and the brakes were shot. It was a close call to wrecking and my mothers' expression and comment still haunts me as it was as though she would have been happy if I would have been in a wreck. Did she always have a desire for me to be involved in some trouble if not even dead? I didn't quite think of it in those dreadful of terms at time with that almost wreck but read on. Something she liked to drill into our heads, that is my older brother and I from the earliest age was hatred of our father. She claimed that as an infant I had suffered a cut over my eye that required stitches because of something my father did which was never explained to me and I don't feel the cut was that bad although the scar was apparent for many years. It seemed to me to be an over reaction on her part. And around 1992 I received a letter from my father in which he seemed to be apologetic for having to divorce my mother when I was two years old. He claimed he couldn't stand her screaming which, made sense to me as I lived with not only the screaming but also the beating with a rubber hose when she could catch me. She usually couldn't get hold of me as I would jam myself under the bed and only on occasion would she be able to dislodge me with the help of my three years older brother. Plus it seems the pain inflicted was tolerable. I also recall what seems to be the first time something like her coming after me scared me so bad that I tried to keep out of her way. It may have been some time in the 90's that one of my mothers sisters told me several interesting things about both my mother and me. This was after her death and it is possible she didn't want to offend or enrage my mother while she was yet living. I was told that the three girls father was somewhat of a disciplinarian, for lack of a better term, but primarily with my mother. She supposedly had a skill for drawing and the father would burn her work for reasons unexplained. Also my mother supposedly had a temper early on. Her sister claims my mother was angry with something and took it out on their cat by throwing it against the wall. I find it believable as around age ten she threw a pot of water at her father and I was so upset I took off from the house intending to go who knows where. It was quite late at night and I must have walked about a mile and realized I had no place I could go and the streets were empty and I had to return home. Another little incident I was told of was my first introduction to my older brother. The claim is that my brother was playing with a toy tool set when I was brought home and his reaction was, "bring him here and I'll saw him up". He seemed to be after me all my life until adulthood. But as adults I lived in California and he in the Chicago area. So now I piece some of these things together and I get the feeling my mother may have been not so happy with me from the get go and possibly because I took after my father who she often compared me to in some very colorful language. This kind of childhood was at times difficult to live but and also unsettling to recall. Even when people talk about something as mundane as comfort food I don't want to say ham sandwiches and tv dinners. It just doesn't seem like comfort food. And the strange twist is that my mother would always get money from her sisters for her drinking and give me enough to eat at the restaurant and very often. One more unusual thing I was told that even while still in a stroller my mother would take me with her to the taverns. By age 11 or 12 I was ordering, or attempting to order, cocktails myself. At that age my mother had to order them for me. Usually a seven seven. Well fine pickle I've got myself into this time Ollie. What a confused mess but this took possibly 90 minutes and it stays. As I read over this before posting it doesn't sound like life was very bad growing up. But maybe that is because I was drinking alcohol at an early age.
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